Chapter Thirty-Five
Phil
“It’s going to be fine.”
Megan looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile. It was the second time that morning that she had repeated that to me.
We were standing in the visitors’ line as we filed into the prison. We had to stand for spot checks before walking through metal detectors. Two guards checked our bags, and our phones were confiscated on entry. It was suddenly becoming very real, and my palms were starting to sweat. I kept looking at Megan, and I realized her presence was the only thing giving my strength.
We were walked through to a room with several tables arranged in equal distances from one another. There was one chair on one side of the table and the opposite end held two chairs. The guests piled in and chose tables randomly. I could see that the room wasn’t even full. There were four vacant tables in the corners of the room. There were two guards positioned at the door and one more outside the room, looking in through the window.
“What do I say to him?” I asked, turning to Megan in panic.
“Start with hi,” she suggested. “And then go from there.”
“What if we have nothing to say to each other?”
“It’s been two and a half years, Phil,” Megan reminded me gently. “You will definitely have things to say to each other.”
“But—”
“Relax,” she said gently, putting her arm on my shoulder. “Take a deep breath and be honest—that’s all you can do.”
I nodded slowly. “Okay.”
“Listen,” Megan said. “I was thinking that you two need some time together, without me sitting in on your conversation.”
I frowned. “Where will you go?”
“I’ll just sit at that table on the far right,” Megan said. “Then when you’re ready, you can call me over and introduce me to your brother.”
I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with that plan, but I did see the importance of having some one-on-one time with Paul… especially after so long. I might be comfortable with Megan being there, but I wasn’t sure Paul would be. That was what made me agree in the end.
“Okay.” I nodded.
We heard the shuffle of footsteps, and I realized that they were coming. Megan turned to me and gave me a small wink. She squeezed my hand and headed off to the corner table to sit and wait. A second later, the door opened, and a guard ushered in the prisoners. I strained my neck to catch sight of Paul, and then he appeared at the back of the line.
He was dressed in a dark uniform, and from the looks of it, he had built up some serious muscle since I’d last seen him. His hair was cropped short and was darker than I remembered it. Apart from a few old scars on his arms, he looked fit and healthy. He approached me straight on, but he didn’t look me in the eye right away. When he was right in front of me, he raised his eyes to meet mine.
His expression was almost unreadable, and I felt my lips dry out with nerves. So I decided to take Megan’s advice. “Hi, Paul,” I said, reaching out to shake his hand.
We shook hands and then an instant later, he pulled me in for a quick hug. When we pulled apart, I saw the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile. “Hello, little brother.”
We sat down together, and I breathed a little sigh of relief. “I didn’t think you’d want to see me,” I said, being as honest as Megan had advised me to be.
“For the first six months, I didn’t,” Paul replied. “But then I grew up and got over it.”
“I’m sorry,” I said immediately. “I should never have stopped coming.”
“You know, in a weird way…the fact that you stopped coming to visit is what gave me the reality check I needed. I was forced to look at my life and realize that I had no one anymore—and that was because of the choices I had made.”
“That still doesn’t stop me from feeling ashamed of what I did.”
“Water under the bridge, little brother,” Paul said fervently. “I forgave you for that a long time ago. I didn’t exactly make it easy for you when you did come and see me… I was always so hostile.”
“Why was that?” I asked.
“I was jealous,” he said simply. “You were free, and I wasn’t. I had ruined my entire life, and you still had the rest of your life ahead of you. I was bitter and petty and stupid, and I took it out on you when you came.”
I looked down. “Still…”
“Don’t,” he interrupted firmly. “What’s done is done. You’re here now.”
I smiled. “You look good,” I said.
“I do, don’t I?” He smiled. “I look almost as good as you. Am I right in assuming you are now a full-fledged firefighter?”
I nodded.
“I’m proud of you,” Paul said, and his tone softened into seriousness.
“Thank you,” I said.
“How is life as a firefighter?”
“I’ll tell you,” I promised. “But first I want to hear about you. I need to know how you’ve been holding up these last few years.”
“I’ll be straight with you,” he said, with a little sigh. “The first year here was difficult, to say the least. I was angry and defensive and mad at the world. Even though the person I should have been mad at was myself.
“I started seeing a counselor here, and he’s really helped me. I started to realize that the problem with my life was no one else but me. You see, I blamed Mom and Dad for a long time… And now after a lot of work, I’ve finally forgiven both of them, too.
“I’ve been reading a lot, exercising a lot, and basically trying to keep my mind and body as healthy as possible. My counselor suggested I take up studying, he told me it would be the best investment of my time here, and after a few sessions, I started to see what he meant. So I started taking a couple of courses last year so that by the time I get out of here, I’ll have a couple of degrees underneath my belt and a shot at a better future.”
“Fuck, Paul,” I said, in awe. “That’s something…”
He smiled and shrugged. “I’m doing everything I can to get out of here as fast as I can.”
“You think a reduced sentence is possible?”
“Definitely.” He nodded. “I might be able to shave a year or two off my sentence…we’ll see.”
“Dude, you have no idea how proud I am of you,” I said. “This is really impressive.”
“Well, I couldn’t let my firefighter brother outdo me, could I?” Paul said teasingly. “How’ve you been doing?”
“Life’s been stressful,” I admitted. “But in the best possible way. Firefighting is the purpose I needed in life. It gave me meaning and focus, and it’s kept me out of trouble all these years. Well…so to speak.”
Paul frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It’s a long story,” I said. “I might have to start visiting you regularly to tell you the whole thing.”
He smiled. “I’d like that.” He nodded. “How about you give me the cliff notes version?”
“I spent a couple of nights in a jail cell a few weeks back,” I said.
“No way,” he said, with raised eyebrows.
“I was accused of drug dealing.”
“You are fucking kidding me.”
“Nope,” I said. “I was being framed, but we had to have a trial…the whole nine yards.”
“I take it all charges were dropped against you?”
“Of course.” I nodded.
“Damn, you’re right… I need the details,” Paul said.
“I’ll tell you all the details.” I nodded. “We have many more visits to look forward to now.”
Paul smiled and nodded at me, recognizing the promise that I was making to him at that moment. “Anyone special in your life?” Paul asked.
I hesitated. What should I say? I had a girlfriend…sort of? I wasn’t really sure at the moment. “Well… it’s complicated.”
Paul rolled his eyes. “My life is complicated, Phil,” Paul said. “Yours is a fucking dream.”
“I’m actually here with someone.”
“Oh?” Paul asked, immediately interested.
“Her name is Megan.”
“Girlfriend?”
“Well…she was,” I said uncertainly.
Paul looked around the room and caught sight of Megan. “Is that her?” he asked me discreetly.
“Yes.”
“She’s a stone-cold fox,” Paul said. “She’s too good for you.”
I smiled. “I agree…but we’re sort of in limbo at the moment. It’s—”
“Let me guess?” he said, cutting me off. “It’s a long story?”
I smiled. “I’ll tell you about it on my next visit.”
“Fine.” He nodded. “Well, invite her over here and introduce me. You brought her in here for a reason.”
I stood up and gestured for Megan to join us. She looked a little nervous as she walked over, but she gave Paul a beautiful, open smile and leaned in to hug him before he did.
“It’s really nice to meet you, Paul,” Megan said, sitting down next to me. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“I wish I could say the same.”
“Hey, now,” I said, feeling strangely at ease in this unusual situation.
“So, Megan, is this your first trip to prison?” Paul asked.
“It is.” She nodded.
“I hope that Phil didn’t drag you here?”
“Not at all,” she insisted. “I wanted to come. I wanted to meet you.”
“I wish we could have met under different circumstances.”
“I don’t know; this makes for a pretty interesting first meeting.”
Paul smiled, and Megan looked instantly horrified with herself. “Oh my God…was that just a really insensitive thing that only assholes say out loud?”
Paul laughed and looked at me. “I like her,” he said.
We spent the rest of the hour talking about random things. Mostly, I listened to Paul and Megan exchange stories about me and felt strangely happy. It was the closest thing I’d gotten to a family dinner, except that we weren’t at home and there was no dinner on the table. But still, my mood only improved as the minutes ticked by. Megan and Paul got on well, and there were no moments of awkward silences between any of us.
When the guards came in to usher us away, Megan looked up in shock. “Already?” she said. “That can’t have been an hour.”
“You’ll have to visit me more often,” Paul said.
“I will,” I promised again.
“Not you,” he said. “I was talking to Megan.”
I smirked at Paul as he gave me a good-natured wink and Megan laughed. As we stood up to say goodbye, I felt a little tug of emotion come over me, and I started to unravel, realizing that I was going back to my life and Paul was just stuck here within these walls with no family and no one to lean on.
Paul seemed to sense what I was thinking because when he leaned in to hug me, he whispered in my ear. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine here.”
“I’ll come back in a few weeks,” I said.
“I believe you.” Paul nodded.
Then he gave Megan a hug and disappeared out a different door with the guards. Megan and I waited until he had disappeared completely from sight and then we walked back out of the prison, collected our phones, and headed to the car. We walked in silence the whole way, but I was conscious of Megan glancing over at me every now and again.
The moment we got in the car, Megan put her hand on mine, and I took a deep breath that made me feel much better. Then we started the drive back home. We didn’t really talk much during the journey, but we didn’t really need to. It was enough to just be with Megan. When I stopped outside Brent’s apartment, I turned to her and kissed her softly on the cheek.
“Thank you,” was all I said.
“Anytime,” she replied.
Then she got out of the car with her bag and walked away from me, and I wondered why I felt so sad at the image of her retreating form.