Chapter Forty-Six
Jace
I waited nervously in the outer office for Bishop McDougal. I’d beat my brains trying to find the right decision. I kept waiting for a sign, but when I really searched within myself, I found out that I truly believed just meeting Daphne was the sign. I never should have been in that bar and it wasn’t a normal place for her to be, either…but we were both there.
I put everything together that had happened over the past couple of months and the way I was feeling about my choices and my faith after Grandmother died, and I finally came to the conclusion that there was no right and wrong. God gives us free will and that free will was telling me to follow my heart.
My heart was across town, with Daphne, and that’s where it wanted to stay.
“Father Jace? The Bishop will see you now,” his secretary said as she took me into his office. I took a chair opposite his desk and looked at the religious artifacts along the wall behind him. I still got a feeling of peace in my heart when I was in or around a church. I wasn’t as worried anymore that God and I wouldn’t be okay. I felt He’d given me His blessing.
I took a deep breath and I said, “How are you, sir?”
The bishop looked at me like he was waiting for me to drop a bomb. He thought I was there to confess. I suppose I could have, but I didn’t see the point. God knew what I had done. His opinion, and mine and Daphne’s, are all that really matter.
“I’m fine, Father,” he said. “What can I do for you?”
I knew I was doing the right thing, but from childhood, the leaders of the church had been my male role models. Sitting face to face with him and telling him this was different than practicing it in my head.
Quickly, before I lost my nerve I said, “I was wondering if I should step down and save the church the annoyance and embarrassment of having me investigated. I know these things can often take months, if not years, and you won’t be able to put a permanent replacement in place until it’s over. I want to do what’s best for the church. I also think that at this point in my life, it would be best for me.”
He raised a bushy gray eyebrow. “You’re willing to just give up your calling that easily?”
I sighed, “May I speak frankly with you, Bishop?”
“Please do.”
“For some time now, since the death of my grandmother, I’ve had serious struggles with my faith. At least, I thought it was my faith.
“But, with much soul searching and praying I think the conclusion that I’ve come to is that it’s not my faith I’m struggling with. It’s my choice to become a priest. I was a confused kid when I decided to do this. It was what my Grandmother hoped for me, as well. I wanted to please her and I felt safe here. I thought that was enough to justify taking the vows.
“I think, though, that I finally realized that I don’t have to be a priest to be a good Catholic, and I think that’s where I became a little lost and confused. I thought this was what I needed to do in order to have a relationship with God, but I don’t believe that’s true any longer.
“So, since I have these issues with the investigation and all, and I’ve already been considering leaving…maybe now would be the best time to go and just make a clean break. It would probably save us all a lot of embarrassment and trouble.”
He nodded slowly. “I hear what you’re saying. There’s no sin in deciding this isn’t for you and walking away…as long as you’re okay with God. I will offer you counseling, Father Jace, and I will encourage you to examine yourself more deeply than you ever have before. This is not a big step; this is a huge, life-altering step.”
“I do realize that, sir. I have dug down deeper than I ever have, and I do believe this is the right thing…the only thing for me to do.”
“Okay, I will begin the process with the Diocese and we will call you for your exit conference when everything is ready. I’m sorry to see you go, Father, but we all have to do what’s right for us, as well as the church.
“I appreciate your honesty with me about this and I do appreciate you doing this now before we went through the effort and expense of a lengthy investigation.”
I thanked him and shook his hand. He gave me a blessing before I left. As I walked through the church on my way out, something about it felt different. I still felt at peace, but there was another, lighter feeling there, too. I didn’t really understand what it was until I got home. I looked around my place and thought about what I was going to do with the rest of my life.
In that moment, I realized that having that freedom of choice also gave me a feeling of relief. I knew the first thing I wanted to do was go get the woman I loved. I love Daphne, and as long as she and I are together, I have faith that the rest of it will fall into place. My faith is restored in God, and in life…all thanks to her.