Chapter Eleven
Natalie
There was a crash just outside our dorm, and I moaned as I tried to hide away under my pillow. There was another commotion a few seconds later, and I realized that my lethargy was wearing off. I sighed and emerged from underneath the pillow I was holding over my head.
“Morning.”
I turned towards Missy’s bed. She was under her covers, in her pajamas but she looked slightly more alert than I did. “When did you wake up?” I asked.
“Five minutes ago,” she replied.
“What’s going on out there?”
“The usual probably,” she smiled. “You’re just sensitive to noise right now.”
“My head feels like it’s going to explode.”
“The mark of a successful night out,” she said proudly. “Apart from that, how are you feeling?”
“Tired,” I admitted. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving the bar. I just got…”
“Distracted?” I could see from her expression that no apologies were necessary. She was obviously bursting to know what had happened between Chance and me last night.
As the memories came flooding back, I felt a moment of delirious ecstasy, followed by a sharp stab of disappointment.
“Distracted is one way of putting it,” I said.
“I saw you leave with him,” she admitted. “And I figured…”
“You figured what?”
“How about you just tell me what happened,” Missy said, sitting up so that she could face me.
“He came up to me at the bar…”
“I saw that, too,” she nodded. “He was clearly into you.”
I sighed and fell back onto my pillows. “Sure, he was into me, but he clearly didn’t know who I was. He didn’t recognize me as one of his students.”
“Well, can you blame him?” Missy asked. “I barely recognized you last night, and we’ve been best friends for four years. That was the whole point of your makeover.”
“I know,” I nodded. “And I was really into my ‘mask,’ except…”
“Except what?”
“Well, I kind of wanted him to be interested in me,” I admitted. “Not just my mask.”
“Your mask is you, Nat,” Missy insisted gently. “That’s what you don’t realize. It’s part of you – it’s the part you’ve neglected all this time.”
“Yeah, but…”
“No, trust me,” Missy interrupted. “It’s not as though you transformed into a different person. It’s not like we changed your face or your hair color; we just highlighted your beauty – your natural beauty.”
I smiled. “I suppose the fact that he didn’t know who I really was made it easier for me to be around him,” I conceded. “I might have been too nervous if not for that fact. I have to admit; it was hard to look him in the eye. He was just so…”
“Delicious?”
“Handsome,” I said.
“What was he like?”
“He was amazing,” I said. “He was charming and funny and confident. There’s something so very attractive about a man who’s so self-assured. He approached me almost immediately, and he complimented me—”
“What did he say?” Missy asked eagerly.
I imagined the moment he had looked at me. His hazel eyes were on fire, and there were tiny diamond flecks dancing across them.
“He told me I was stunning.”
“Damn,” Missy said dreamily. “I can’t remember ever getting a compliment like that one. Usually, college boys usually go with ‘you’re hot’ or ‘you’re fine’ or some derivative of the same.”
“Well, he’s no college boy,” I pointed out.
“Lucky bitch,” she said playfully. “Go on.”
“We just started talking about stuff,” I said, with a shrug. “I can’t quite remember what… All I remember was that it was easy to talk to him. He was the one making the conversation. I’ll admit, I wasn’t helping very much, but he took the initiative.”
“Another good sign.”
“Then he asked if I wanted to take a walk with him, and we walked towards the fountain on Prescott Lane.”
“The fountain, huh?” Missy said, raising her eyebrows. “What a perfectly romantic spot.”
I smiled. “We did talk a little about our families,” I said. “I told him about my parents, and he mentioned he had a sister and a nephew.”
“Did he share anything personal with you?” she asked eagerly.
“A little,” I admitted. “And, I think he was a little surprised by that. I don’t think he opens up very often.”
“No, he doesn’t seem the type,” she nodded.
“Um…he did seem a little distracted though.”
“Distracted?”
“Yeah, he kept looking behind him as though he were hearing things,” I said.
Missy frowned. “Or maybe he was really just hearing things,” she said. “You’re probably reading too much into that.”
“Probably,” I nodded.
“Well?” she asked impatiently. “Did anything happen between the two of you? Or was it strictly PG?”
“Strictly PG,” I admitted, and her face fell immediately. “We did kiss, though.”
Instantly her face broke out into a huge smile, and she started cheering loudly. “Oh God,” I said, covering my ears with my hands. “Please don’t… I have a hangover, remember?”
“Fuck that,” Missy said uncaringly. “I’m gonna cheer for this.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Actually, a part of me wanted to join in the cheer.
“Wait,” she said quickly. “This was your first kiss, wasn’t it?”
I smiled self-consciously and nodded.
“And, how was it?”
“It was pretty perfect,” I admitted, trying not to look too moony-eyed. “He was… Well, he knew what he was doing.”
Missy clapped her hands together. “I’m so happy for you,” she exclaimed. “And then what happened after the kiss?”
“Um… Well… I… The thing is…
“Out with it, Nat,” Missy said, in her no-nonsense tone.
I sighed. “I kind of freaked out.”
“Why?” she asked, in confusion.
“Well, he wanted me to come back to his place,” I said.
Missy raised her eyebrows. “You mean, he wanted to—”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“And you—”
“Yeah.”
“So—”
“Pretty much.”
“Oh, NAT!” Missy cried, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration.
“I haven’t had any experience, okay?”
“And you’re never going to if you keep running away every time an opportunity presents itself,” she pointed out.
“Everything was moving so fast,” I said. “I was doing all these new things, I didn’t look like myself, it was cold, and it just… It was all too much.”
“You got scared,” Missy said simply.
I sighed. “I got scared,” I nodded.
“So, what did you do when he asked you to come home with him?”
“I can’t quite remember what I said,” I admitted. “I think I apologized and told him I had to go. Then I…went.”
Missy looked at me carefully for a moment. “Do you regret it?”
I thought about that question, and then I nodded slowly. “A part of me does,” I replied. “But a part of me doesn’t. It was too fast, and it would have been my first time with a man. I’m not sure that’s how I would want it to happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because as beautiful and charming and dreamy as Chance is, I don’t really know him. And, he certainly doesn’t know me. I would want us to have a connection before we slept together… I told you, I’ve always thought sex should mean something.”
“Fair enough,” Missy nodded. “But can I give you a piece of advice?”
“Always.”
“Everything can’t always be perfect, Nat,” she said. “Sometimes, perfect only works in the books and movies. Real life… It’s raw and messy and complicated. I get you want your first time to mean something, but meaning is entirely subjective and can be based on a million different factors. If you wait around for perfection, you might just miss out on a whole bunch of experiences in the process. Sometimes perfect enough is the best we can hope for.”
I nodded thoughtfully. “How will I know when I’m ready?”
“I really can’t say,” she said. “Only you can decide that. All I’m saying is we’re getting ready to join the real world soon. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life afraid to take the plunge?”
“No, of course not,” I said, realizing that Missy was right.
“Good, then it’s time to put yourself out there right now,” she said. “No excuses.”
I nodded and looked towards my desk. The dress I had worn the previous night was draped over my chair. I reached out and touched the silver-blue beads.
“He liked the dress?”
“He did.” I smiled. “And, I loved it, too.”
“I’m glad,” Missy said. “It suited you. You didn’t look as awkward or out of place as you felt.”
I stared at the dress and made a split-second decision. “I think I’m going to take a little inspiration from this dress,” I said.
“Meaning?” she asked, raising one eyebrow.
“You’re right,” I said. “I need to take some risks and put myself out there – starting with my wardrobe.”
Missy’s expression was a blank for a moment, and then I saw a glint in her eye. “You mean…”
“I’m going to keep the look,” I said. “Or at least, the spirit of the look. I’m going to swap out some of my clothes for something that actually takes the shape of my body.”
She let out a triumphant wolf whistle.
“And, I think I’m going to keep the contacts, too.”
Missy looked thrilled. “I’m so proud!” she said dramatically.
I laughed. “I think I’ll keep my ponytail, though… I’m fond of it, and I don’t want to change too much. There are things about myself I like.”
“I support that completely,” she said approvingly. “The ponytail’s got a sexy vibe to it, anyway, especially now that you’re going to dress properly.”
I laughed. “I might need to borrow some clothes from you.”
“Hey, I’m more than happy to share,” Missy said immediately. “I just wish you had wanted to raid my wardrobe sooner. How about we figure out what you’re going to wear for your Monday lecture?”
I bit my lip. “Do you think he’ll recognize me?”
“Definitely.” She nodded as she got up and went to her cupboards. “We’ll make sure of that. Now, what are you thinking: jeans or a dress?”
“A dress,” I said decidedly. “I want it to be a paired down version of my birthday dress.”
“Pretty but practical.” She nodded. “I get it, and I think I have the perfect thing for you.”
As Missy walked me through the options, I found my mind wandering slightly. I kept reliving all my favorite moments from the previous night. They were little things, tiny seconds that were forever frozen in my mind, but they made me feel more alive than I could ever recall.
I remembered the moment he had walked up to me, the moment he had told me I looked stunning, the moment he had asked me to walk with him. I remembered the way he had taken my hand and wrapped it around his arm, the way he smiled with his eyes, the way he had looked when he told me about his sister and nephew.
But most of all, I remembered the way his lips had felt against mine. I remembered feeling weightless for a moment, as though gravity had abandoned me and for just a second…I was free.