LORI:

"Girl, where is that man of yours?" Aunt Barbara asked.

"He's out of town for the weekend. Had to take care of some business over in Philadelphia," I answered.

"Oh. He's pretty hot," she exclaimed.

"Yeah, he is," I admitted.

"So, you liking that new house of yours?"

"Yeah," I said as we waited for my parents to show up for our Saturday luncheon. "It's really nice."

"Well, how are you really doing, dear?" Her sharp eyes tried to read me but she should have known better.

I had mastered my expressions a long time ago; that skill had become easier when you had so many things to hide. My aunt probably wasn't aware of the past issues I had with cutting and varying types of obsessions. Mom wouldn't have told her and if she did know, she would have surely thrown it in my face by now. Shay and Kylie didn't even know the things I had dealt with in the past. However, here sat my aunt, who knew I'd been away and she wanted me to open up to her. That, I was not doing.

"I'm doing really good. My boyfriend is the best and looks out for me. My house is so nice and at my job, the people there respect me and what I bring to the table." I spouted that off with no feeling at all. "How's Uncle Greg? I saw him last week over in Manor."

That would shut her up. It might have been mean but people like Aunt Barbara weren't really interested in my well-being. They just wanted to talk about someone else to keep the attention off their own messed-up lives. Uncle Greg was a philandering maniac who hid nothing from his family or community about his dealings, especially with younger women. You would think a known scandal like that would keep her humble. Instead she was quite the opposite; it kept her nosy and in everybody else’s business.

Like mine.

Just like a pro, she nodded and said, "Well, you know your uncle. He’s always getting into something silly, and as always I'm there to clean up the messes. You know," she paused, "like parents do when their kids fall off track. Somebody has to come in and keep things afloat. You'll see as you get older."

She was an evil shrew but she had years of practice, and I was sure a lot of pain that needed to be released somehow. I understood that, more than she knew but I did know pain. After my ‘incident’ at the bar, I rode off with some random guy. I was not thinking clearly which could have been from the alcohol or the fact that the love of my life had just crushed my whole world with only a few sentences.

The irony was that I thought I was still in control.  I ended up at my place with some biker from out of town and we did nothing because I was crying so hard he dared not touch me. He eventually drifted off to sleep and then I cut myself with a razorblade. However, this time I was under the influence, and in my desperate need for control and relief I cut too deep. The next place I woke up was in a hospital where my mom and dad stood over me with unshed tears in their eyes.

"Glad you're back," my dad had whispered.

The only thing I could do was say, "I need some help. I have to go back to rehab."

My parents shook their heads with relief and approval. I couldn't imagine the heartache that they felt and turmoil that the past few hours had caused them. It wasn't my intention but I had completely spiraled out of control.

I went to a different rehabilitation clinic that focused on patients that cut or did self-harm.  I stayed for ninety days. They focused on patients that cut or did self-harm. The place was not a shock for me and I knew the format, layout and the outcomes. It had worked before and if I worked at it right this time, it would work again with the needed results. I needed help and that meant letting go of everything. My recovery was my top priority.

Before the incident, I would cut occasionally when I was stressed or feeling out of control. My obsession with 'that man' contributed to my need for control but it made the cutting worse because I had none when it came to him. I was obsessed with this notion of being with him and in my head, he only had to notice me. It had happened months ago but the point of the rehabilitation was to treat my obsessive behavior and the cutting.  It had to stop and become a problem I could move past. My psychiatrist worked with me at the facility and I had two counseling sessions a weekly. This wasn't new for me but I definitely wanted it to be my last episode.

"Hey!" My mother's voice yelled in the background, bringing me back to the present.

"Hey, Mom," I said as my chair pushed back so I could embrace her.

"Hey, sis," Aunt Barbara sang. "Lori and I were just catching up."

"I'm sure." My mom smirked and gave me a side-eye.

Thank God, she was not in oblivion about her messed up sister. Mom of all people should know how she could be. Most people did, yet no one called her on her shit.

"So, shall we get our girl time on! I have it all set; lunch and the full spa package, including the pedicures and massages," my mom exclaimed. "I just love this time."

"Me too," I said and I did.

When Aunt Barbara wasn't being a total bitch, she could be cool.  My mom was very prissy but we treasured the time with each other. Men free and for the most part drama free, when Aunt Barbara would mind her own business.

The three of us spent the day together. After a few drinks, exfoliations, nails, and deep tissue massages, we went to have dinner and then made our way home. Aunt Barbara lived in the next town over, Mom lived closer to Manor, and my new place was in Baltic. I loved my house, probably because it represented a new start for me.

Brand new.

Henry came into my life during my time at the rehabilitation center. He was a counselor there.  We didn't have a relationship while I was a patient there, we began as friends. It was against policy for us to fraternize with the staff but if I was ever in his ward, he always stopped to talk to me. When I finally left, we saw each other at the local Walmart, he asked for my number and that was the beginning of us.

My return to Manor was a month-long process because I originally did not want to move back. I was concerned that everything would be a trigger for a relapse if I fell back into my old routines, encountered the same folks and hung out in the same old places. I had truly missed Shay and Kylie but I was willing and ready to let them go or encounter them from a distance because my recovery was my main priority. I loved them dearly but if I had to, I would have separated myself from them to get better.

Oddly enough, it was Henry who convinced me not to allow my past to limit my future and to continue the journey. His rationale was as simple as understanding the triggers; not always hanging at Peppers, to leave before a certain time, or getting the gang to go elsewhere. Maybe try hanging with Shay and Kylie outside of Manor. This was exactly why I moved where I did so it would not be a problem with being in the mix of all that Manor provided. Henry convinced me that he'd help me through it and I believed him.

After meeting with my girls at Razor's house, we started to hang out some and they even hung with me outside of Manor. However, Kylie was married to Razor and Shay and Bronx had finally gotten together so they wanted to be close to their men. On top of that Kylie was very pregnant and shouldn't go too far anyway. Henry thought it would be good for me to go and then he could be introduced to the gang. At first, there was a major case of apprehension on my part. The Guardians were nice enough and all but they were still bikers. The men were good and upstanding guys but they weren't necessarily the type Henry would normally hang with. He was socially appropriate so I had him meet me at Pepper’s.

To say I wasn't nervous for my first encounter with the entire crew of Guardians was an understatement. It was even more of a situation to be back in the fold of the folks in Manor, the place where my life was shaken to its core. I was nervous but I was also confident. I'd made it over the biggest hurdle. I was better and there was no trace of attraction or affection for Connor.

I didn't talk about him, think about him, or even dream about him. The first time I saw him was just a brief glance that evening. He looked surly and shocked but I did not spare a moment in his direction. Shortly after, Henry came and we hung out with them. He had been right; having him there made it much easier to deal with. The guys were a little standoffish but not rude and Henry's southern charm did not allow any of that to faze him. This made me like him that much more.

*****

"YOU GOING TO THE GYM tomorrow?" Henry asked me in our nightly Facetime chats.

"I think. Shay's going early, so I might as well go with her or I won't go at all. After work, I'm so tired."

"I know. Your eyes are low now." His face moved closer to the screen as I started laughing.

He always did that when showing me one of his eyes and I'm not sure why I thought it was funny but I'd always laugh.

"I'm fine. Just wanted to end the day with you, is all." I smiled.

"Good. That's what I like to hear." He kissed the screen.

"Oh my gosh. That's so unsanitary," I screeched at him all the time when he did that.

"It's just my dead skin cells," he said, every single time.

"Whatever. Night." I nodded.

"Loriline," he called.

"Yeah." I picked up the seriousness in his voice.

Crap, he was about to start talking about the other topic that I wasn't comfortable discussing.

"I know we said we'd table this conversation but I just want you to know where I stand with us," he started. "I love you. I see us going the distance. You marry me, then we start our lives with little Henrilines running around soon after. I want all of that with you."

"Henry, since we agreed to table this discussion, I don’t want to feel pressured into any decisions. It’s only been two months and this is not something I'm ready for right now. Maybe you forgot but I just got out of the hospital that I admitted myself into. I..." He cut me off.

"I know. I know," he pleaded. "I just wanted you to know. Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you."

Then the mobile screen went to my home settings. He always did this. Left me with some heavy feelings or thoughts so I had to wrestle with them through the night. I told him it was the counselor in him. Drop a bombshell and schedule the next session so you could think about the weight of the world. It drove me crazy but that night, there was nothing to think about. I was not ready to marry and have anyone’s children.

That just was not in my immediate future.

A text came through showing it was Shay.

Shay: You comin' tomorrow with me?

Me: Yeah, need to blow off some steam

Shay: You alright, I have a loaded gun

Me: lol – I know Sheriff Sharon. Just need to hit something

Shay: haha. Okay, I'll see you at 7 then – night chicky

Me: Night

Shay was my girl and even though I'd left and not communicated with Kylie or her for weeks, I knew she would be madder. She always confided in me besides the time she was sleeping with Greg. Outside of that, I knew it all. I knew she felt hurt when I hadn't told her my whereabouts or what I was doing. She later confided in me that she understood and was glad I sought the help I needed. Kylie understood as well but she probably wasn't as hurt about it as Shay.

Typical Shay, who usually ran and sparred with Bronx during our workouts, decided it was time to spar with me. The girls had been taking self-defense classes and advancing to some other forms of martial arts because of the tension around the club, after what had happened to Kylie, Shay and Dessy. If a Guardian had an old lady or a woman, they had them in those classes. Much kudos to Bronx and Razor who started the initiative. The first three classes were free and the women around Manor were eating it up.

After my fifth attempt at trying to hit Shay, I stopped, tore off my gloves and turned to walk out.

"Wait, wait, wait. Lori," Shay called. "What's up with you? The best way to let off some steam is to hit something."

"But that's just it," I said as I turned around. "I'm not hitting anything."

"You're not focused." Shay walked towards me. "Your head is not here today. What's up?"

Here was my dilemma. Most women had faced it. The notion that you wanted your friends to like your man. Therefore, women thought they needed to keep touchy subjects from their friends in order to keep the good perception of the boyfriend. Should I say something or shouldn't I. Shay had the ability to perseverate and become hyper focused on non-issues but she always could be just as level-headed as a guy.

"You can tell me. Bronx says I can be a good listener when I focus. So, how about we go hit the bean bags and then I'll be focused on hitting while you hit and share?" She smiled.

I laughed but nodded my head. "Sure."

The great thing about the morning workouts was how few people were there. There were two weight rooms; one for the intense body builders and then another for everyone else. The punching bags were located in the big guy’s room but at seven in the morning, none of the men were there. Except for one guy with a ponytail was over on the side doing curls but he was far enough away.

"Okay, spill," Shay said as she threw the first punch.

"Henry is a really nice guy.  I like him and all but he wants to settle down too quick, Shay. The man is talking about marriage, kids and moving."

Something hit the floor and our attention turned towards the guy who had dropped a weight and was picking it up.

"Yeah, so it just seems really fast for me," I said and threw a punch.

"How long has it been? Six months for you both?" Shay asked as she concentrated on the bag.

"Yeah, about that. He was there for me when no one else was," I said without thinking. "No, I mean, when I wouldn't allow others to be a part of my problem."

"Hmm," Shay muttered. "So, you think it’s too soon. Have you told him that?"

"Yeah. I told him to table the discussion." I threw another punch. "I'm not saying I wouldn't want those things with him but it's just too soon right now. You know what I mean?"

"I do." Shay threw a right jab before she asked, "Do you love him?"

"I could see myself falling in love with him," I answered. "I mean, he's everything I want in a guy and he adores me, Shay. I know you know what that's like because Bronx treats you like a princess."

"Because I am," she joked. "Well, then give it time and when you feel ready and not a minute before; marry the man and have his babies."

Now that was shocking coming from Sharon Russell. 

"Wow, girl. Bronx has really tamed you, huh?" I laughed before I threw a left jab.

"Girl, nothing can tame this but I have learned something from him that I didn't always get before. When a man is into you, you'll know it. You'll feel it and there will be no denying it. You won't have to think, ask or conjure up an emotion. It's there for you and everyone else to see." Shay turned to me. "That man is into you. All I'm saying is, if you're into him at least half of how much he's into you, you should take him up on his offer, settle down and live your happily ever after life. Lori, I want you to be happy. If he makes you happy, he has you at your best self and you love him; then you go for the ride."

"Yeah, but how will I know it’s right? I've gone for the ride, Shay but I want the right ride. I want it to be just right. I don't want to wonder. I know he's into me but I'm not where he's at yet emotionally," I countered.

"Then you wait but you do not bail." Shay threw a punch, then another. "You wait and if he's not the one, then you don't waste the man's time."

Who was this Shay and what did she do with my friend?

"Gotcha," I nodded. "That makes sense."

"Good." She threw a left jab. "How's the sex? On a scale of one to ten?"

I laughed. Only Shay would ask this sort of question. Well, Kylie too.

"It's an eight," I giggled.

"Really?" Shay gasped and turned towards me again. "What is he not doing?"

"Well, I like a bit more," I paused. "Uh, not sure how to say this."

"Just say it. It's me."

"He's a gentle lover. You know?" I dropped my hands. "He's good and God, he's big. But, I want a guy to ...uh?"

"Spank your ass and pull your hair," Shay interrupted me as I stumbled on every word.

The heat rose to my flushed face in embarrassment. After years of hanging with Kylie and Shay, I'd have thought that I wouldn't be so embarrassed to discuss these things in public. I wasn't a prude and I didn't mind talking about them but not in a gym with some guy  several feet away. Shay, on the other hand, had zero shits to give about the matter. That's why I loved her.

“Well, yeah,” I whispered.

“Girl, ask for what you want and if he can't then don't tie yourself to someone who doesn't satisfy you.” Shay threw another punch at the bag.

“But if that's the only thing, then why would I throw away ...” she interrupted me again.

“Lori, hear me out. If that's something that you can live with then fine, but the fact that you brought the shit up tells me you can't. You want what you want and there's nothing wrong with that. Believe me. Greg was fine but he was no Bronx. If I’d had to, I would have settled with not having the right one but I can't say I'd have been happy.” She stopped throwing punches and turned towards me. “You get me? Believe me, Lori. Don't discount what you want in the bedroom as just a thing. That means something and those things we ignore can be the thing that end a marriage. I got that insight from my mom.”

“You ever have that question about Bronx?” I asked.

“Well, yeah. For a few reasons. The fact he never said anything to me for four years, that gave me pause. He left a woman at the altar. He insists on being a bad ass when he's sick. And he's shared some things of concern about me. I'm a hot head. I clearly don't think before I speak and he's expressed concern over my temper. He doesn't want to go to jail because he's killed somebody that I've got an issue with,” Shay confided. “We’ve discussed those things over and over. We’ve come to compromises and even had some therapy. This is one of them.”

She pointed to the bag.

“When I channel my aggression, then I'm not tackling his ass in the street,” she continued.

“Shay, you did that?” I gasped.

“Oh, hell yeah.” She shook her head. “He had it coming but I digress. We've talked about those things and will continue to have those discussions. I spoke to my mom about them too and she told me what I told you.”

“Hmm,” I mumbled. “That's a lot.”

“Yeah.” She laughed. “Ready to get out of here?”

“Yeah, sure.” My head swung over towards the guy who was steadily lifting and not paying us any mind.

His head turned quickly to pick up his towel and for a moment there was something familiar about his face but I couldn't see it clearly. Plus, none of the guys I knew in town wore ponytails.

We left, showered, purchased smoothies from the store Bronx had recently opened, and went to work. Shay was actually in nursing school and loving it. We always laughed at what she would say to the patients if they got out of line. Bronx said she could be pleasantly sweet, sometimes.

****