SHAY

“Cousin, I just wanted to thank you for letting me stay with you.” Dessy started with the gratitude again.

“Dessy, you’re good. Just glad I could help. No need to keep bringing it up,” I said again.

“You don’t understand.” She shook her head. “I was headed nowhere quick, Shay. I needed to get the fuck outta there, and I just want you to know I appreciate what you’ve done. And your friends.”

“It’s fine, really. Now, what type of job are you looking for?” I asked as we went through the newspaper ads.

“I used to bartend, I can wait tables, and I’m good with my hands and shit.”

“Oh, hold on.” I grabbed my phone and texted Kylie. “Maybe there is something at Peppers you could do.”

Looking at her, she’d be perfect. Cute hair, shorter on one side and layered in the back. She was the same complexion as me with bright eyes, a huge smile and had the ability to be larger than life. 

“That the place we went to the other day?” she asked.

“Yup, that’s where we usually hang out. It belongs to the Guardians and Kylie’s man is the President of the MC. She also works there as the events coordinator. If there is something there, she’ll know about it.”

“Cool, I like that place. It felt like the bar on the Cheers TV show. A place where everybody knows your name. Well, not mine. Yet.”

I laughed as we demolished my favorite chocolate ice cream, topped with whipped cream.

“So, you and the tall black guy?” Dessy smiled.

“Yeah,” I smiled back.

“Is it serious?” she asked me.

“It’s complicated, but it’s seriously complicated,” I laughed at my own assessment.

“With the way he looks at you, nothing is complicated in his mind,” Dessy noted.

“I see you’re team Bronx,” I added with a laugh.

“He makes you happy, then yeah. But if not, then no. I’m just Team Shay.”

“What about you? You see any guys of interest?”

“Well, most of the guys at that place were hot, and I got a couple of numbers. May give ‘em a call or may not. I don’t know yet, but what do you know about the guy they call Bear?” she asked me.

“Ugh, Bear? Long shaggy beard, big man? That Bear?” My face had to be contorted into all types of confusion.

“Yes,” she sighed with a far-off, dreamy tone to her voice.

Wow, the heart wants what the heart wants.

“Well, he’s a surly son-of-a-bitch. He mostly sticks to himself, but he’s a loyal Guardian. At events, always on point and he used to be in the Marines. He’s older, maybe a year or two older than Razor, whose forty-five now.” I shrugged.

“You know anything else about him?” she asked.

“Uh, well, I’ve heard he’s old school kinky. Likes his women tied up and shit. Spanks them when they get in trouble. BDSM shit. I don’t know much about it, but he’s really into it, so he doesn’t sleep around. I guess that’s good.” I thought. “Wait, did he give you his number?”

“Oh no,” she laughed. “He ignored me even when I tried to talk to him. He told me, I should move along because I wasn’t looking for what he was offering.”

Well, shit.

“Yeah, that might be wise,” I said.

“But,” Dessy looked at me. “What if I am looking for that?”

Holy fuck.

“You’re into that?”

“Well, yeah. I didn’t have the right guys before, but it does appeal to me.”

My head nodded.

“Well, in that case, maybe try another approach,” I offered.

“What approach?” Dessy put down her spoon and moved in closer.

“Ignore his ass. Date some other guys. Get over him because if he doesn’t move heaven and earth to get with you, then why should you move heaven and earth to get him to notice you?”

“Is that what you did with Bronx?” she asked sincerely.

“As a matter of fact,” I nodded my head. “I did. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to me because that shit backfired and it was all a misunderstanding, but it helped me in the moment.”

“Well, you may have a point. I do have some phone numbers, so there’s nothing wrong with getting to know other folks.” Dessy stood. “Thanks, Shay.”

“Again, no problem Des. You’re family.”

“I know, but sti...”

The doorbell rang.

“I got it,” Dessy said as she went to open the door.

It was ten o’clock, so I wasn't sure who would be at the door so late. Maybe one of the Guardians.

“It’s for you and I’m going to go to bed now.” She smiled brightly.

Right behind her, Bronx strolled in dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, his cut, and boots.

“Fancy seeing you here?” I stood and licked my spoon clean. “You're on duty?”

“Something like that,” he smirked. “Came to make sure my lady isn't sore and see what I need to do to make her sore again.”

I burst out laughing as the tingling near my lower regions started. The man sure knew how to light a damn fire.

I dipped my spoon in the nearly empty container and pulled out the last little bit of ice cream. Then I slowly licked it clean, leaving my tongue out and on the silver utensil.

“Hmm,” I moaned, turned around, grabbed the whipped cream and headed to my room.

His footsteps followed and as soon as we crossed the threshold of my bedroom, he wrapped his arm around my stomach and pulled me into him.

“Missed you, kitten,” he whispered in my ear right before he bit my neck.

“Missed you too.” I sagged into him, then turned around to kiss him.

Long, hard and deep because it was only Wednesday. Granted, I tried to stay occupied so I wouldn't have to think about him. That didn't do much good, but his tongue in my mouth took all of that away.

Bronx lifted me up and said, “I came to tuck you in for the night.”

“Oh, is that what they call it now?” I joked.

“No, fucking you to sleep and tucking you in are two different things.” He placed me on the bed, toed off his boots and threw his jacket. “Lift.”

When I did, he placed the covers over me and him, then pulled me into his hard body. My head was on his chest and his hand on my hip. Just like when we were at his place.

“I like your place.” He broke the silence. “It fits you.”

“Yeah, I like yours too. Who would have thought you'd be so modern?” I laughed.

“What’re trying to say?” He squeezed me.

“You look like you'd have an old-fashioned furnace, have to chop wood to heat the place and some throw-away furniture. This is all based on that damn truck of yours, of course.”

“Do you have a filter?” Bronx laughed.

“Not since I can remember.” I joined him.

“Well, I did have all of that before but about a year ago I had everything upgraded.”

“Except the truck?” I commented.

He laughed again. “Yeah, that was upgraded today.”

“What?” I exclaimed. “You got a new truck? Why?” I pulled away from him so I could see his face.

“Where are you going?” He tried to pull me back.

“Why?” I repeated.

“It's no big deal?” He attempted to pull me closer.

“Bronx,” I warned, with my arms still extended, holding him back. “Tell me. Is it because I'm always teasing? Don't listen to me. I just talk a lot of shit. Have you seen my car? It's old. Fuck.”

“Stop,” Bronx interrupted me. “It wasn't because of that. I know you, Sharon Russell. That mouth I've had the pleasure of hearing for almost ten years and more closely over the past five or so. I bought a new car because I wanted you riding in something nicer. I told you, things have changed for me, so that means, they're changing for us too. "

Holy shit balls.

There was nothing else to say to that, so I wrapped my arms around him again, let him tuck me in and fell asleep comforted by the rhythm of his heartbeat.

When I woke the next morning, Bronx wasn't there. He must have left really early because it was six-thirty in the morning. There was a note in small cursive lettering that read.

You snore. :-)

Oh my God.

I grabbed my phone to text him and wrote:

Shay: You left me because I snore? *Angry face*

Bronx: Turn the card over

Oh.

It read:

Ohhh.

Shay: *Hearts* - we're good.

Bronx: My heart

Where the hell did this Bronx come from?

******

"GIRL, I CANNOT TAKE this new Bronx. I swear the man is totally different than I imagined. Don't get me wrong, he is my ideal man, but what the fuck, Kylie. Is this shit happening? I'm hallucinating right?" I twirled the phone cord around my finger.

Kylie laughed and said, "Yes, it's happening and yes, he's one and the same. If I told you some of the shit Razor has done for me, you wouldn't believe me. Remember when I was still recovering? He painted my toenails. They were fucked up, but he did it. At least once a week, I get breakfast in bed. You already know, he's making a studio on the side of the house so I can continue with my singing. When a man is in love, he does shit like that."

"In love? No, it's just new for us. We are all sweet and shit until I have to tackle his ass," I laughed.

"You are so ridiculous. How will you not get on a mechanical bull, but will smack and tackle Bronx, who is practically built like a damn bull?" She laughed again. "And no, honey. Buying a car for us is not a 'we're new' thing to do. That's a building something, and we are about to make some major moves."

What?

As much as I wanted to pump the breaks, Bronx had a point. We were at a standstill for almost four years, so there is no need to slow down when we are making up for lost time.

"I guess. Let's not jinx it okay." I started to get sad. "No jinxing it. Let's just ride this out."

"Okay, honey." She picked up on my mood. "Let's ride."

******

KYLIE HAD TO MANAGE an event for another group coming to sing at Pepper's, so she wanted some support. Dessy and I went to help out, and it turned out to be a really good band. Kylie said she toured with them before, so they were in town and said they'd stop by. I was on my third drink and Dessy was on her fourth, because she kept getting 'male suitors' to buy hers. She was flirting and doing what she said she would do. Getting out there and I was happy for her. I still couldn't believe she was thinking about Bear. He was cool and cute in a 'gruff, I'm a biker, I will smash your face in’, sort of way. Bronx was like that in a way too, but he was more approachable. Bear was not someone you want to walk up to because he would definitely let you know where to go.

Razor had a few disagreements with him, but he was loyal. Bear just wasn't one of those guys anyone could lead. You would have to have his respect and I guess Razor did. A few of the girls did tell me that he was great in bed. Well, the word was awesome and huge. However, he had a kink that included the term daddy, rope ties and other shit that made me take pause. 

Dessy had moved to talk to Ren, on the far side of the bar. I think he was just patched into the club last year. I'd have to ask Kylie about him and get some more information. Kylie had moved to help Big Joey with something behind the bar as I nursed my drink. It was only Wednesday and whether I liked the office or not, I did not want to go in there hungover.

"Hey, stranger?" I heard a familiar voice say behind me.

Shit.

"What are you doing here?" I asked without turning around. "I told you we were done. There's no reason to talk. Clean cuts, remember?"

Greg scoffed, then he said, "Yeah, I remember the rule. Fuck and be gone. I just wish I'd known you were in love with someone else before we started this."

That, definitely had me turning around.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"You heard me," he sneered.

"First of all, Greg." I'd had enough of his shit. "Fuck buddies are just that. A buddy you fuck. We were that, and you were fine with that. It was exclusive, well, I was, and we said, when one or the other was done, we'd be done."

"Right," he said as he ran his hands through his hair. "We said that, but you just cut me off."

I stood up because I felt vulnerable sitting there and he was acting like he didn't understand what we were doing.

"Greg, there were rules. We followed them and then it was over. Not to mention, you said some shady shit to me, which you should know I don't take. So, let's not forget that."

"I've said some shady shit to you?" he gasped. "Blair Wilson said some shady shit." He raised his voice. "Basically, he told you to fuck me, and now you’re with him, but not me?”

Oh, no he did not. My eyes had to be the size of slits as I glared at him.

“You,” I pointed, “are not Blair Wilson. So, get that, the fuck, straight. You don’t know anything about me and him. Not a goddamn thing, so don’t stand here and try to tell me why I should be fucking you and not him.”

Greg threw his head back and released a vicious and diabolical laugh.

“What I know, and you don’t, sweetheart! Is that Blair was engaged to be married to my sister.” He pointed to his chest. “Left her high and dry at the altar and never to be seen again, except now he’s leading another woman to believe he’s in it for the long haul. It so happens to be a woman, I’ve come to care for, so forgive me if I’m not Team Blair. That’s what I fucking know. He also did not want you to know that little tidbit, but since I care and he wants to lie to you, there you go.”

What the fuck?

That’s how they knew each other?

He did not say one thing to me about being engaged.

Not a goddamn word.

I looked up and saw Kylie standing there shaking her head. Fuck, she didn't know either. Her face reflected the pain in my chest. I pushed past Greg and went to Dessy.

“I'm leaving now, are you good to get home?” I asked.

She nodded, “Yeah, are you alright?”

“No, no. I'm good. Enjoy yourself. I'll text you later.”

I went to leave, and I heard Kylie calling me.

“Shay. Shay!”

“Not now, Kylie!” I yelled as I burst through the doors to get to my car. Once I was in, I saw her running toward the car. I started the ignition and tried to drive off, but she had already had the passenger door open.

Fuck.

“Oh, no you don't,” she said as she turned her body to face me. “Don't you even think about leaving me.”

Tears threatened to come, so I tried to restrain as much as I could. “I just want to be alone. Okay? I just want to be left alone.”

“Well, you're not.” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Go ahead, we’re getting out of here, but I'm not leaving you alone.”

Fuck.

“Kylie.”

“Shay, either you drive or I will, or you stay and hand Bronx his ass. I don't give a fuck, but with everything going on with the other club and shit. I'm not leaving you alone and don't forget you have a tail.” She pointed to the back, grabbed her seat belt to put over her pink halter top and took a deep breath.

“Fine, you bitch,” I snapped because she had a point.

“Back at ya, bitch.” She was smiling even though I had my eyes on the road.

******

WE DROVE TO LANCASTER’S mall almost in silence, except when Kylie informed me that she was going to text Razor that she was okay because, after that whole incident with the stalker, he would lose his fucking mind. Which, he would.

Greg’s words just kept playing over in my head. Bronx was engaged, left some poor woman at the altar and never saw her again.

We had to be too good to be true. This wasn't even a time that I went looking for information, this time, it found me and smacked me in the fucking face.

Kylie and I sat on the bench, eating Auntie Anne's pretzels, when she finally said, “Okay, worst case scenario, he has commitment issues. So you guys can take it slow, and when he's ready, he’ll be ready.”

I shook my head as I thought about all the places my mind went when he said all of those sweet things. I thought of a wedding, babies, and everything he wanted for me. He said that, but maybe that's why he wouldn't commit because he wouldn't be the man to deliver it. Maybe he was trying to warn me, but why lead me on? That is what kept making me angry.

“Shay?”

“Hmm,” I mumbled.

“You're scaring me.”

I turned to her and said, “You know, I never said this, but I understand why Lori left. I get it. She was publicly humiliated by a man who gave zero fucks about her and made that known after she made it known that she gave every fuck about him. That is the most bone crushing thing that could happen to anyone.” I nodded my head and said, “I get it.”

“Shay, that's not what happened here,” Kylie tried to clarify.

“Oh, but it is. The very same thing. He's not saying it to the whole town of Manor, but it is the same thing. We put our feelings out there, other people saw it, and it’s like the damn joke is on me.” I shook my head. “I’m tired, Kylie. I don’t want to do this anymore?”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I can’t handle Bronx breaking my heart. I’m telling you, girl.” The tears started running down my face. “Why do you think I worked so hard to stay away from him? He’s my kryptonite. I’m scared of my feelings for him. You and Razor didn’t know each other. It’s different for you. We knew each other and worked together in a way and were associated in the same circles. I liked him, we had sex and then a four year nothing, then he comes, sweeps me off my feet and now this. I can’t.”

The tears started flowing down my face faster.

“Let’s go,” I said and stood up.

“Wait, Shay. Let’s just think this through, okay?”

“Kylie, love you like a sister, but I’m tired. I won't be standing at the alter waiting to be publicly humiliated again. Fuck him,” I shook my head, “and I don't want to talk about it anymore.”

The scorching tears continued to roll down my face as I tried to convince myself it was all a dream and it never happened. It was a weeklong fantasy that came true and now it was back to reality.

“Well, I'm driving.”

I tossed her the keys. “Fine by me.”

If I saw him, I'd probably run his ass over.

******

AFTER MY SHOWER, I went home, threw anything Bronx-ish in the garbage, including that fucking note and got in bed. My phone was off, so there'd be no conversations that night. I would have said something I would regret and could never take back.

Well, no sleep came to me that night, and the hot tears continued to fall on my pillow. I called out the next morning and laid in bed all day. Dessy knocked on the door and asked if I was okay, but I told her, I was a little under the weather. She offered to get me some soup and crackers, but I declined. The last thing I ate was a pretzel, which I consumed only to keep my hands busy.

By the afternoon, a hard knock rattled my door.

“Open up.” It was Bronx.

“Go away,” I yelled.

“Open the door, Shay,” he repeated.

“Listen, Bronx. It was great while it lasted. Okay? We lived it. Can't say it wasn't good, right? So, let's call a spade a spade. We would never last. You and I both know it. I can't go through this with you. Not you.”

I stopped talking because my voice was breaking and the tears started to roll down my puffy face.

“Shay,” he growled, “open this fucking door.”

I didn't move. I couldn't.

There was a loud bang and then another one, which sent the door flying open, and the top hinges pulled out of the door frame, causing me to jump.

Bronx resembled that of a mad man. His normal calm mocha skin seemed darker, eyes were sharp, mouth tight and his fist were clenched. When his dark eyes hit mine, then his face softened before he shook his head slowly.

“Stop, crying.” He palmed his bald crown. “Stop.”

Bronx walked over to my bed and started to crawl towards me.

“Stop, Bronx.” I moved closer to the headboard, pulling my feet up to my thighs. “Please, just go.”

“Shay, stop crying,” he said, as my voice hitched again.

Bronx’s arms wrapped around my waist as his head rested on my stomach. I tried to push him off, but his grip was lethal, and there was no moving him.

“Go,” I cried.

He lifted his head and said, “Not letting you go. I won't let you sabotage us. Or fucking Greg or something that happened almost twenty years ago. I've paid my debt. I paid, Shay. I have nothing else to give. You're it, and I'm not going to just leave. It's been four years, I've denied myself, tried to make sure you would get what I wanted you to have, but you didn't. So, I'm not letting you go. I don't have a single fuck to give, so you're stuck with me.”

Bronx laid his head back on my stomach and stayed there until I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up again, there was a plate of fruit on the bed next to me along with a note.

My stomach growled, but I snatched the note to read,

‘eat something. I'll be back later’.

Quickly pulling out my phone and turning it on, I texted Bronx.

Shay: Don't come back. Need space.

Holy Fuck. He wasn't going to leave it alone, and I had no idea how to get him to stop, so I called Kylie.

“You doing alright?” she asked.

“No, girl,” I sighed. “No, I'm really not.”

My voice broke again. I'd never cried so much in my fucking life.

“Oh, honey.” Kylie exhaled as my sadness was catching on.

“I can't. He came over yesterday, and I just can't deal with him. This isn't me being bratty, I need fucking space. I need time to gather my thoughts.”

“Then tell him that. Just like you told me.”

“He won't listen, I tried.”

“No, Shay. You call him and tell him. If he really cares for you like he says, he’ll give you that. Maybe give him a time and see if that works.”

“Kylie, you know better than I do that what these Guardians want, they get.”

“Except you,” she corrected.

“What?” I exclaimed.

“Bronx has been wanting you for the longest. He had a glimpse of that, and now that is either going to be taken away from him or put on hold. You pick?”

Fuck.

“Okay, will call you back.”

I hung up and held the cell phone to my chest. Kylie was right, we needed to talk, and we needed to do it soon, or there wouldn't be anything to fix.

My fingers pressed his name on my phone as my heart sank.

“Shay?”

“Listen, you got a minute so we can talk?”

“We need more than a minute.” He sounded worn out too.

“We do. But Bronx, I got to get my shit together, okay? I need time to think, and you cloud everything for me. Can you give me a couple of weeks?”

“Fuck no,” Bronx answered immediately. Then his voice got low, and he said, “Absolutely, fucking not.”

“What!?!” I exclaimed.

There was a lot of noise in the background, and then it went silent.

“Sharon, you’re acting like I don't have any feelings or say so in this shit. Do you know how long I've waited? How long I've held back? How long I've had to agonize over not having you? Do you even care?” He paused, but I dared not say anything. I'd never heard Bronx like this. “Fuck, no. I've waited too long for you. I'm not giving you two weeks to conjure up some shit to cut me loose. Fuck that. You want to get rid of me then you give me a good goddamn reason, and you do that shit to my face. I deserve that because hearing some almost twenty-year-old shit when I was a damn cub is not it. You dig deeper and see what we really have. You have until I come back in two days. Fuck your fears, Shay. I'm all in and I want this. And you know what Shay?  So do you.”

Click.

“Hello.”

He fucking hung up.

He hung up.

******

ACCORDING TO KYLIE, the guys were out of town on a mission. She didn't specify, and I assumed she did that on purpose because she usually told me everything.

Dr. Kron called me into his office on Thursday, after I was out for the past two days.

“How are you doing?” he asked. “Feeling better?”

“Yes, a little.” I lied as the bags under my eyes gave me away and the yawn I bellowed out walking through the door.

He nodded his head full of gray hair and said, “That's good to know.”

“What do you want to do here, Shay?”

My eyebrows rose as I thought about where this conversation could go. Did he want to fire me? Transfer me?

Dr. Kron raised his hand to calm what had to be the look of fear on my face. First, a breakup and now I was about to lose my job.

“No, no. We’re a small town, so we don't have a lot of nurses traveling through here. So I know you're probably bored out of your mind some days. Everybody seems to like you and think you’re funny, but I'm just wondering what do you see yourself doing in the future? Where do you want to go?” he clarified.

I was just talking about this with Dessy when she found out from Shay that Peppers could use a bartender and she was hired, because she actually had experience. We started talking about the notion of being a nurse and how I liked to do that but also giving back in a way through the different charities, etc. I couldn't narrow it down, which made me feel pretty stupid at thirty-three years of age. I should know where I wanted my life to go. Shit, I didn't even know where to begin.

“I really don't know,” I sighed. “I mean, I should, but I don't know.”

He chuckled a bit, reminding me of one of my uncles. His entire body moved when he laughed or thought something was funny.

“That fine. You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you. It’s just a mat...”

I cut him off and asked, “I mean do you? Do we really have our whole lives? What if I felt like I've wasted four years of my life doing something that I later regretted? Then I get scared and go back to my default. Just going through the motions and not living like I should. What then?”

I swear, my period had to be close because I was an emotional wreck. Tears threatened my eyes as I thought about living my life like I had and not wanting to go back to the life of sex buddies and no real connections. It wasn't desperation, but it was a realization of what Bronx was saying. Digging deep to see, I had a partner. Not a fuck buddy, not someone who wanted something from me, but a man who fucking broke down doors and would risk himself for me. No questions asked.

Fuck.

“Well, if you're talking about your job,” Dr. Kron said, “you've been here for eight years.”

I waved my hand in the air. “No, no. Sorry, I was just thinking of something else,” I murmured.

“Right, well I have an answer anyway.” He smiled. “There is a traveling nurse that is coming through, and he comes highly recommended. But I think it might be a good idea to shadow him. See if it's something you like, then you'll know where to go from there. If not that, then I have a lawyer friend, who would love to get some help.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” I interrupted him again.

“No,” he laughed, his shoulders jumping up and down. “Just trying to do my part in getting you to your next level. This,” he waved his large hand around the room, “isn't it for you.”

Wow.

That was twice in the span of several weeks that someone else told me they wanted more for my life than I intended to go after.

Existing.

“I'd be happy to shadow him,” I found myself saying. “When is he coming?”

“Great!” Dr. Kron said. “I'll set it up. He'll be here tomorrow and will stay until next Wednesday.”

“Great, I'll be ready.”

This actually was good news because I needed a good swift kick in the ass to get me in gear. There was shit to do, and I need to not just remain content with life as-is. Bronx had lit a fire in me, and I wanted to not have any more regrets. Then out of the blue, an opportunity knocks on my door.

Damn right, and I was taking it. The worse that could happen was I wouldn’t like the nursing field. Which I was okay with, but I would try being a law clerk.

It felt great to have options.