APOLLO:

The Lori I knew didn't curse, raise her voice, or display hostile anger. She was annoying but this was different.

She was different.

I didn't like it.

Her hair had changed, she had contacts instead of her occasional glasses and even her attitude was no longer mousy.

What the fuck?

I had fucked up and royally which was the only reason I was even trying to keep from getting back in her face. Amends needed to be made and I'd let her be; just like she wanted. Even when her being away from me wasn't what I truly wanted. Shit, I'm not sure I ever wanted her to leave me be. It was a universal thing. I didn't want anyone close to me but to see that disappointment in her eyes; that killed a piece of me and I needed to fix that.

Every day that week, I was out there creating the image she wanted. She didn't bother to come outside, check on the progress or even see if I needed anything. I'd see her when she got home from work and when she went to sleep. All I wanted to do was talk with her and apologize. She wouldn't hear me though and I didn't need no one to tell me that shit. I had to show her.

When I finished, I left a note on her back steps under a rock. Hopefully, she got that before the rain did.

*****

THE NEXT WEEK, I WAS back with my own routines and apparently so was Shay. A knock on my door at the compound had her coming through with a cheese burger for both of us.

She tossed it to me and said, "So, why are you really in Lori's face?"

Shit.

"Making amends, like I said."

She nodded with her lips turned down, then she whispered, "Bullshit."

Unsure why the woman was so damn crazy but I erupted in laughter. 

"The fuck I'm trying to do then, all knowing?" I kept laughing, which was something I hadn't done in a damn long time.

"Hmm," she grunted. "You know damn well what you doing. I know too but what I really want to know if are you ready for that fight?"

She thought there was something else to my making amends. I mean, there was but it wasn't.

"It's not like that." I responded. "I fucked up and I'm trying to make it right."

"Why?" Shay asked as she leaned forward so her elbows were on her thighs.

"The shit needed to be done."

"Why now?"

"Why not now?" I asked.

"You hear she’s having second thoughts about her guy? You know she ain't thinking about you. Trying to stay relevant in her life? You like being stalked? Shit, I don't know," she countered.

My jaw tightened at her words.

"The fuck you mean?" I sneered.

"I mean," Shay said as she stood up. "That's my fucking friend, one of my best friends. Apollo, I owe you my life but I swear to all things holy, I will fucking kill you myself if you break her like you did before. She was in love with you. Anywhere you were, she was right behind you so unless you plan on not just making amends so you can sleep at night but you're interested in making her yours in a permanent way, leave her the fuck alone. She's moved on. She ain't thinking about you; pining over you like some wimpy woman or lost puppy. She's found her way and I'm telling you, LEAVE HER THE FUCK BE! You don't know what you want so leave her alone until you do. You don't need to make amends to her – she's already paid the price."

Shay walked out of my room and slammed the door.

Fuck.

I'd paid the cost too.

****

"SUP, APOLLO," RAZOR called. "How's the shoulder?"

We were getting ready for the club party that night and he needed someone to go with him and pick up the kegs. We didn't lift anything so it was probably Razor's way of checking in on me. Usually a recruit did shit like that so it was weird that he wanted us to monitor the duty.

"Shoulder is fine," I replied.

It had been fine as my rehab was complete as far as i was concerned. Donna was becoming more annoying by pushing sex and pills on me after I told her I wasn't feeling either.

"Haven't seen that nurse around," he noted. "She coming tonight?"

Razor asked me while loading the seventh keg in the back of the truck bed.

"Don't know," I answered honestly.

Even though her assignment with me had finished, Donna had texted me about the flyer for the party we were throwing. The last she was at the compound to give me therapy was a week ago and I told her to get lost. Now she was texting me about a Guardian event.

Weird.

The party was at the G Building which was a huge warehouse with an open back where the grilling and cooking would happen. There was a wooden floor that was usually made for dancing and a bar near the food. The surround sound speakers were everywhere, tables were spaciously line up and there were two mini-bars throughout the large space. It was the perfect place for a huge party and in true Guardian-style, folks came to dance, drink and let loose.

By the time the glasses started smashing and shit, that was when the party really began. All of the guys were there with their women. Bear was there and Dessy was close by, like they were trying to act like they weren’t together. However, no man dared to get near her because the beastly man started to growl.  She, on the other hand, looked like she wasn't sure if she was coming or going. He must not have taken his own advice because it didn't seem like he'd made a decision just yet.

Lori was not there and I knew because I had looked. Shay's words twirled over and over in my head and I couldn't make them stop. The crazy woman was right though, and as mad as I was about her threat, I appreciated her more for being real and protecting her girl.

I walked towards our normal side of the bar and Bronx greeted me, "Hey, man. Where you been?"

"Laying low," I replied.

"Man of little words. As always." Bronx laughed.

"Shay, can I see you?"

She looked up from her beer and nodded towards me. Kylie looked to Bronx and Razor looked at me but we kept moving to the back of the warehouse. When I finally stopped, I turned towards her and said, "You're right."

"About what?" Shay asked.

Yeah, she was going to make me spell it out and honest to fucking God, I didn't even know what I was going to say.

"She got to me, Shay. Okay." I ran my hands through my hair. "I couldn't have her getting close to me. Nothing good ever comes from that shit. I did that shit a year ago so she'd back off. I wasn't trying to send her nowhere, I just didn't need her getting to me. I knew what she wanted but I could never give it to her. I'm a broken man. Unrepairable. I stopped trying to do that shit a long time ago and she's fucking beautiful. I mean, come on, Shay. Who wouldn't want to be with her and I know she created this whole thing in her head so even if I did take her then, she'd have been fucking disappointed. The look she gave me that night. That look is what has haunted me because that's the look she would have given me if we'd ever got together. I would have surely disappointed her and she would have left me for good..."

"Apollo..." She tried to interrupt.

"No, Shay. I have nothing to offer her. I'm not like Razor and Bronx or the other guys. They got shit going for them and I'm living in the fucking compound doing surveillance at night. The night at your place killing that piece of shit, that's not the first time, sis. I doubt it'll be the last and if you don't think that shit don't haunt me, you're crazy. No woman needs that in her man. I've been in war, lived through war, and ended them. I got my own shit I deal with regularly and no woman needs that shit. I'm tellin' you."

"Apollo!" she snapped. "I'm not about to stand here and pretend I know everything you're talking about. It sounds like some deep shit but it also sounds like some familiar shit. You," she pointed, "do not make decisions for other people. You make decisions for yourself. Bronx did the same fucking shit with me. Thought I was better off without him and made the decision completely without even asking me. I'm not sure if you know, but I'm a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions and think for myself. I chose Bronx a long time ago. I was just like Lori. I fucking lived and breathed Bronx.  When he turned me away and when I thought he had played me, I was done. He had shit and he dealt with his shit and when he let me know, I told him like I'm gonna tell you. Do not make decisions for other people when their lives are attached to the decision. It's not fair, Apollo. It's not right."

I shook my head. She didn't understand.

"Listen to me, for once. I'm telling you not because I'm a woman but because I know Lori. What you're saying and doing is not right. Like I said before, if this is just something you're feeling because she's lost interest, let it ride. But, if this is something you truly felt before and couldn't or wouldn't articulate and now you feel like you're about to explode, not only do you need to fix your shit but you got to fix what you broke. I got to know you a bit, so I'm with you either way but you just gotta be sure," Shay pleaded.

"How?" I asked without thinking about it. "How can I fix it? She won't even look me in my face. Forget be in the room long enough to have a conversation."

"Apollo," Shay smiled. "Brother, you gonna have to work for it. I ain't saying it'd be easy but what you did was the ultimate. Maybe try to undo it or top the ultimate. Publicly honor her the same way you shamed her but a hundred times better."

Damn, that sounds like a great idea.

When we returned to the corner of the outdoor bar where we left the crew, there were three additions. Lori, her guy, and Donna.

"Awww, shit," Shay muttered. "Good luck, man."

She sauntered over to Bronx, kissed him on the lips and snuggled into her man. They sat gazing at each other like the rest of us weren't around and it was then that it hit me almost like lightening; that's what I wanted. I hadn't before nor didn't think I ever would but now I wanted that shit. The partner who just knew what to do.

"Pollo," Donna purred as she saddled up to me. "Thanks for the invite."

Her hands started to roam over my body and then she stood on her toes as her body pressed to me and whispered in my ear, "Missed you last time. Hoping tonight I get lucky."

Her hand started to descend towards my crotch but I grabbed her by the wrist and asked, “What do you think you’re doing?”

She was acting strange.

All eyes were on us including Lori’s and even then, there wasn’t an ounce of jealousy. She just appeared curious as to how this would play out.

Who was I foolin? I was dead to her.

So, I pulled Donna by the wrist and dragged her outside.

“Won't ask again,” I said through gritted teeth. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

“Nothing, Apollo. I might have had a little too much tonight, that's all,” she said.

“Too much of what?”

She eyed me which explained it all. A prospect walked by so I stopped and asked him, “You been drinking?”

“No, Apollo.” He nodded.

“Good, take her home,” I told him.

“No, I wanted to stay with you,” she cried.

Looking her in her face, I said the truth which was the only thing that would work. Apparently, I had a knack for it.

“We don't do that. You fuck me and go on with your job. We don't do events or stay any fucking where together,” I said, “So get on the recruit’s bike and go home.”

“Who is it?” she sneered. “Which one of those bitches is it? It's between the black one and the short haired one.”

She eyed me closer or as much as she could then she said, “It's the short haired one. You're too loyal to fuck with another man’s woman. Ah, but I saw the way you look at the short haired one. Yes, it's that bitch.”

“Get on, now,” I yelled at the recruit.

He grabbed her by the waist and put her on his bike to take her home or whatever address she gave him. It wasn't my concern and just as I was about to go to my room, someone stopped me.

“Hey, Apollo,” a voice called.

Yeah, this was going to make it official.  I did not like this guy, even without knowing him.

“What?” I turned.

“Just wanted to tell ya thanks for doing the garden for Loriline. She loves it,” Henry said.

“Just making amends.” I nodded and turned to keep walking.

“Yeah, about those amends. That's over now, right?” This caused me to stop. “You've repaid the debt. The garden looks exactly like the magazine.  So you're good, right?”

Shit, the man must feel threatened by me; but there wasn't a reason he should. Lori didn't want anything to do with me.

“Why?” I asked.

“I mean.” He laughed. “You've done more than enough already. Are you a designer or something? That job alone could cost tens of thousands of dollars. There's that and then there's the other thing. You know, seems weird with you coming around now.  I'm just the boyfriend, not sure how she feels about it, but I can almost guarantee it's awkward for her.”

“So if you don't know, what are you saying?” I asked.

“Ah, nothing man. Just wanted to know if you're amends were over or not.” He laughed.

“No, I reckon they aren't.” I looked at him and decided to return to the party.

Looked like my day wasn't over just yet. She wanted this dude?

Couldn't be.

Soon as I walked in, Lori glanced my way then returned her attention back to Kylie and Shay. Shay simply smirked at me and kept talking. The guys were over near the back so I joined them for a little more fun. Bear saddled up to me after a while and said, “I fucked up man.”

“Haven't we all?” I nodded.

“Yeah, I guess so. I want her man.” Bear laughed. “I really do.”

Nobody could ever say I didn't vote for love because before I could stop myself, I answered, “Then fucking take her. At least she wants you back.”

He stared at me a bit then he mumbled, “You're goddamn right.”

Bear got up and said, “Word of advice man. You may need to take what's yours too. Fuck him.”

Then he stalked off, picked up Dessy while she was on the dance floor with another guy, and brought her back over to the booth behind me sitting her on his lap. I couldn't help but hear them so I figured I'd just keep listening.

“What are you doing Bear?” Dessy asked.

“Want you on my lap,” he answered.

“Why, Bear?” She was sassing him.

Damn, she was like her cousin.

“You want to be over my knee with all that mouth?” he asked.

“I'd have to be yours for that to happen. Right?” Dessy was in full sass mode.

“I'd make an exception,” he replied.

“I wouldn't.”

Oh shit.

The booths started moving like maybe she was trying to get off his lap.

“Stop!” Bear seethed.

“Why? You don't want to fuck with me but I can't be with anyone else? Who does that, Bear? I'm not playing that game with you...”

She was abruptly cut off and then I heard kissing noises.

“I do want you, sweetheart. Can't stop thinking about you, ever. That smile, your lips, those eyes. I'm all fucked up.” Bear was mumbling against something.

“But ....?” she asked.

“You're so fucking young. What do you want with an old man? I got nothing for you. There won't be all-nighters, money, wealth or even stocks. I ain't got that shit.”

“What do you take me for?” Dessy snapped. “Because I'm younger than you, I have to want something? I told you before, I just want you. Why is that so hard to believe? I simply want you.”

Bear sighed and I heard nothing else from them. No kissing noises, only silence.  I didn't want to peek but they were probably doing what Bronx and Shay were doing earlier.

I turned towards Razor who was watching a pregnant Kylie on stage getting ready to sing. I felt like I was surrounded by all this romance and I was destined to have cheap thrills. It was unreal. I was not going to anybody’s heaven with the shit I'd done but damn, a little peace on earth would have been nice.

A glass shattered and the crowd started to chant but this time it was because of a guy who had Lori by the wrist. Shay was helping Kylie and Bronx was on the other side of Razor. Her boyfriend was trying to talk with the guy as Lori was struggling to get away.

What the fuck?

I was immediately on the move.

“Apollo,” Razor called but I kept moving towards the commotion.

“Listen, there's no need for all of this.” Henry was trying to negotiate.

“I'm just gonna do a little dirty dancing with her.” The man was pulling Lori towards the dance floor.

“That's my girlfriend and she doesn't want to dance with you,” Henry pleaded again.

“Get off of me, you asshole.” Lori started hitting the guy. “Let me go.”

He shook her and that put some pep in my step. I leaped in the air and punched the guy in the face. With the force behind my punch he let her go and fell to the ground. I proceeded to follow up with a few more punches before I heard Lori screaming for me to stop.

Looking down, I saw the guy wasn't moving. Then I looked at Lori on her hands and knees next to me.

“Please, stop.” She had tears in her eyes. “Connor, please.”

I blinked and saw her boyfriend standing with the phone in his hand and a look of horror on his face. Standing up, Bronx and Razor were beside me and I saw a few of our guys on the floor.

“I was going to call the police,” Henry finally said.

My face, like many others, twisted in disgust as they looked at him but I kept my eyes on her.

Call the fucking cops?

She stood up and kept her eyes on me for what seemed like eternity. Many things passed in those few moments and what I'd hoped to communicate was the following.

1. You're really with this ass hat?
2. Can you see I'm sorry?
3. I'd always protect you.
4. He was going to call the fucking cops!

In her gaze, I'd like to think she was communicating the following with me:

1. Stop showing up the man.
2. I see you're sorry but that's not enough.
3. I know you'd protect me.
4. There's so much I want to say but can't.

"Lori," I called but she turned away from me and went out the door.

When I went to follow her, Razor tagged my arm and shook his head. I knew what that meant and he was right but when would be my time?

Henry's punk ass followed her out and the rest of us started picking up the guys on the floor to toss them out as well. Then I went to my room because I could have seriously hurt something that night. A few minutes later, Bronx was at my door.

"Shay said you need to put your hand in this." He tossed a bag of ice towards me as I lay on the bed watching television and sipping on my last beer.

"Tell her thanks." I nodded.

"You into Lori now?" he asked.

My eyes turned back to the television because I was in no mood for a lecture.

"I fucking knew it." He laughed as he plopped down on my sofa.

My head swiveled around to look at the serious man with a smile as wide as the Atlantic Ocean.

"What?" I asked.

"I knew that shit." He laughed. "Fuck, I knew it. Well, Razor called it too but the recruits were betting against you. Bear was torn."

"When has my love life been anyone’s concern?" I was fully alert.

"Ever since you started banging that nurse and the headboard was keeping folks up. That's when."

Fuck.

I needed to get my own place and soon.

"She ain't interested in me. Not after our last major scene," I finally said.

"Man, you got to make her interested. Not sure if Shay told you how we got together but I had done some fucked up shit. Not as fucked up as yours though." He laughed. "However, she hated my goddamn guts. Wouldn't even look at me and nearly didn't talk to me for like four years. That shit was agonizing. Being so close and couldn't touch the one thing I wanted. Day after day."

"Yeah, she told me," I said.

"Yeah, but what she didn't tell you was that it wasn't until a man had a knife to her throat and I saw what I wanted about to lose her life that I said, fuck all of the other shit. I needed to take what was mine." He eyed me with one eyebrow up.

Shaking my head in the negative, I started thinking about that guy holding her wrist and jerking her.

"That shit will fuck with you. Not ever getting the chance to at least see if the woman in your dreams could be your reality." Bronx leaned forward. "God forbid, if Lori died today or tomorrow, or even got married, what would your biggest regret be or would you have any?"

"That I never got to make amends," I answered honestly.

"You did that. I saw that fucking garden. That's talent," Bronx complimented. "We'll talk about that later but you made amends."

"No, I did something nice for her. That's not amends. I want to talk to her, tell her I'm sorry and I didn't mean the shit I said. Tell her how I really feel." Flicking the television off, I swung my legs to the side of my bed. "That's what I'd regret."

"You're a Guardian, a biker and most importantly, you're Apollo," Bronx started. "You live freer than any man I know, so go on and live with no regrets."

He stood up and headed towards the door.

"I think you'll be surprised by the results." Bronx gave his parting words.

Everybody had an opinion opposing mine about the approach with Lori. Leaving her alone was my opinion but everybody else had other ideas.

Maybe it was time to fucking listen.