DESSY

My tired and achy body tried to turn but I felt so sluggish.

Holy shit.

Where was I?

My eyes adjusted, gazing around the large room as recognition set in and I realized I was in Bear’s room, in his bed.

“Morning,” I heard Bear’s voice call from behind me.

Turning my head and then my body to face the voice, I saw him sitting in the leather chair. However, it wasn’t in its usual place, it was next to the bed.

“What are you doing?” I asked him, while blinking to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

“Need to talk. Sick of you running and all that bull shit, so we talk like this,” he answered me.

His face was sullen and I doubt he’d had any sleep last night.

“I’m not running anywhere Bear,” I noted.

“Yesterday, some significant things happened and we need to discuss them,” he said. “I went to see your mom, she don’t like me and made that clear. Where do you stand on that?”

This man must have bumped his head. At that moment, I straightened up to face him.

“Bear, I know how my mom feels about you and us. That’s why I didn’t want you guys to meet until it was time,” I replied. “Where do I stand? What kind of question is that?”

“It’s the question I’m asking because yesterday you decided I couldn’t touch you or do anything?” His voice was sullen as he recited my words.

“Because, Bear. You went behind my back to meet my family member. Not just any family member but my mother. I’d never do that to you. Never. When you wanted me to meet someone, is when I’d meet them. You do it, don’t tell me and then I’m left in the middle of this feud that I was trying to prevent and you wonder why I’d be upset? Oh, let's not forget it was dumped on my door step on my birthday."

He quickly leaned forward and hissed, “You were moping around here like something was wrong. You wouldn’t tell me what it was and I didn’t know how to make it better, so I took matters into my own hands. No, I will not apologize for going to go see the woman. No, I will not act like it’s no big deal. She not liking me, I could give two fucks. How that impacts what you think, now that, I care about. So don’t sit here and act like I was in the wrong, when I was trying to fix what was wrong with the woman that I love. I won’t apologize for that.”

I stared at him with more disappointment than anger and then I realized, Bear was who Bear was. He wouldn’t be making any apologies, he wouldn’t care how mad I was about it and that was really the end of the discussion as far as he was concerned.

“Fine, Bear,” I muttered eventually.

“That’s it. Fine?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, fine.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Don’t act like a sullen teen, Dessy,” he snapped.

“What’s sullen about me saying, fine. You said what you had to say, I hear where you’re coming from and that’s really all there is to say about it, right?”

His eyes narrowed on me, then he repeated, “You hear where I’m coming from, huh? Not understand.”

I had nothing else to say on the matter, so I stared at him for a bit and asked, “So, what’s for breakfast?”

He looked at me, erupted in laughter before he said, “That’s it. The matter is settled.” 

“Settled,” I repeated.

He rose from the chair and put a knee on the bed as he leaned over so his face was in mine.

“What do you take me for?” Bear asked.

“A man who’s determined to do whatever he wants and makes no apology for anything he does.” I looked at him straight in the eye. “That’s what I take you for.”

“That bother you?” he asked in a low voice.

“Normally, no.”

“But right now?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He nodded, then leaned back.

“I’ll get breakfast started,” I said as I rubbed my eyes.

He had turned and was sitting on the bed looking out the window. So, I made my exit and cooked a veggie omelet, home fries and poured him some coffee. The man was probably still pouting upstairs, so I brought his food to him.  He was still sitting on the bed in the same exact spot.

“Bear, here’s your breakfast,” I said. “I’m going to head out because I have to meet up with Shay.”

Moving towards him, I leaned down and kissed his lips. At first he didn’t respond then his arm wrapped around my waist holding me close to him while he remained seated. His lips started to move but nothing came out. Instead, all he managed to say was, “Dessy.”

His eyes said everything else. The man looked like he was pleading with me to understand, empathize or even meet him half way but I had already done that. Instead of addressing the plea, I laughed it off and said, “Eat Bear. I’ll see you later.”

My lips touched his again and then I left to handle my business.

*****

THAT NIGHT I WAS WORKING at the bar for a big Guardian shin-dig. All my texts had gone unanswered to Bear and I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Bear never showed up which was unusual because if he did when I was working, he'd always stay near me, sat at the bar, in my section or something.

As closing time came, Shiz came over to me and said, ‘Hey, I’m taking you home. Bear’s on a mission.”

“O-kay,” I said slowly. “He couldn’t tell me that.”

“Not in this, Dessy,” Shiz warned.

I pulled out my phone and sent him a text:

Me: What’s the deal? You’re on a mission and you couldn't tell me. I've been texting all day.

It went unanswered for the next ten minutes, so I shut my phone off and followed Shiz outside to his truck. During the ride, he received a phone call that had his eyes lighting up and the man was all smiles. When he finished, I found myself smiling too.

“She must be a keeper,” I noted.

“Huh?” He looked in my direction. “What do you mean?”

“The look on your face when you saw who was calling. Must be someone you like?” I elaborated. "Never thought you for the type."

“Naw, nothing like that.” He laughed. “She fucked up my car and was trying to get me to not call the insurance people. I did and now the Guardians are helping her with some shit with her brother. That’s all. It’s just business. “

I shook my head and muttered, “That smile was not business.”

“You would know, huh?” he said with a smirk.

“Guess I would.”

“You done fucked Bear all up,” he offered. “Got the man thinking he’s being set up and played. For his sake, I hope that’s not the case. He’s gone for you. Like, I’ve never seen the big man like this. He don’t really talk to me because I’m too young and don’t always say the right shit but I see things. So, while I may not know a lot, I know that no matter who has the dick, you own him.”

Okay, wow.

I wasn’t sure what to say to that because it was supposed to be the opposite way. He owned me. Bear had explained that he was into the BDSM life but our relationship was beyond sub and Dom roles. He’d said that we would be the ones to make the rules, not the life so what was his problem then? Bear never went on missions, he was the operations guy. Something wasn't adding up.

The next morning, I didn’t have to work at all but after calling Bear a few times and he didn’t pick up, I hopped in the car and went to the compound searching for him.

“Bear,” I yelled. “Bear!”

“He’s not here, darling. Ain’t seen him,” Debra told me as she prepared breakfast for the men.

His bike was at home but his truck was gone, so I called him again and then sent him another text.

Me: Where are you?

This went on for another two days and I even called Razor, Bronx and Apollo to find out where he was. They weren’t trying to get into it so nobody told me shit. Which made me think it wasn’t a mission and something else. They were keeping shit on the hush, which drove me absolutely insane and after sleeping in a cold bed for three days straight, waiting for the man to come home, I lost it.

I called Shiz.

“Hey, how’d you know to pick me up the other day?” I didn’t greet him.

“Dessy?” he called. “Yo, Bear told me to.”

“He called you?” I asked, knowing all the patience I had was gone. "He doesn't go on missions. He deals with the operations of them."

“Yeah,” he answered. “Look, Dessy...”

“Call him, right now, on three-way,” I yelled into the phone.

My blood was boiling.

“Shiz, I’m telling you to call him right now and do not say shit, just put us on. I need to say one thing to him and that’s it,” I pleaded.

“Fuck, fine,” he huffed and then the line went silent.

A phone ringing could be heard and then I heard his fucking voice, “Shiz, what?”

“It’s not Shiz, it’s Dessy you son of a bitch. You can’t answer my calls, return my texts. You’re mad about something and you’re not man enough to come and talk to me. You want me to do you the courtesy of sharing but you just up and leave. On a mission, my ass. Didn’t say one goddamn thing. I’m sleeping in an empty bed and I have no idea why.”

Hot, scorching anger ran through my veins and all I saw was red. I didn’t even know what was coming out of my mouth as I let it rip.

“Fine, Bear. No more chasing you. No more making exceptions for you. No more, Bear. Fuck you. You don’t talk to me, don’t acknowledge me. You forget I exist. You hear me,” I screamed.

Then I hit the end button and for the last time, went in his place, gathered my shit, left his key and locked the door from the inside as I walked out.

I wasn’t sure what would happen after that because what I didn’t want to deal with was the awkwardness of seeing him everywhere. Remembering the sweet promises he’d whispered in my ear; the plans, the kids, the everything.

And right on cue, my mother called me and I probably shouldn’t have answered her call but I was ready to take on anyone. The love of my life had given me one big fuck you, so my mother was about to be another one to catch holy hell.

“What’s wrong?” My mother did not say hello.

“You were right, Mother. Happy now. You were right,” I snapped. “The big, old white biker has left me and couldn’t bother to say two words.”

“I’m not happy about that,” she answered quickly. “I didn’t want it to happen and I’m not happy about it at all. Do you think you’re overreacting? What did he do?”

“You’re on his side?” I gasped.

“Dessy, I always have your back. I’m just saying, the dream I had about him was one as a protector, healer of sorts, and a provider. Not one to leave you high and dry.”

“Well, he did. So, there,” I yelled as the tears started to flow down my face. “He left without a word.”

“Honey, I’m sorry.” She actually sounded sincere. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s over and I’d like to at least on my part, for us to try again. I was wrong. The dreams may not show all but what they show is true. That man loves you, more than he loves himself. While that’s scary as hell, it’s also real.”

“If that’s love, I don’t want it,” I said. “Mom, I gotta go.”

I didn’t want to hear her backpedaling and becoming team Bear.

Fuck Bear.

I was done.

******

TWO WEEKS HAD PASSED and I had not seen or heard from Bear. I know what I told him but my heart ached every time I thought about it. I wouldn’t discuss it with Shay because I loved her to pieces and she’d probably shoot the man. Bronx and the rest of the guys were all looking like they wanted to say something but knew better.

It was a Wednesday night, I was in the bar and my heart started fluttering as a familiar scent caressed my nostrils.

Holy shit.

It was him.

“Scotch, neat,” he said while looking at me in the eye.

There wasn’t another waitress on duty, so I got him his scotch the way he liked and walked away. He sat there for an hour but I refused to look at him or even go his way if I didn’t have to. Eventually, he left a hundred-dollar bill on the table and left. I wanted to throw his big ass tip at him but figured I’d better pocket it or someone else would.

The next day, the same thing happened. Early in the evening, before most folks came, he asked for a drink but this time, there was another bartender, so I had them take his order while I stayed far away from him. When I felt his presence near me, his voice said in a whisper, “Will you talk to me, please?”

All the rage that boiled up within me, couldn’t have accounted for the look I threw him. Instead of replying, I turned my back to him and kept counting the bottles for inventory. 

“Love you, Dessy,” he said. “Will always love you.”

The blood started to pump to my chest at crazy rates which had my eyelids closing as hot tears ran down my face. I tried not to jerk my shoulders because I didn’t want him to see me crying so I ran out of there and told Big Joey that I wasn’t feeling good and was leaving. That exit was made out the back door and instead of going to my house, I went to Kylie’s. My tail was still on me but that also was not comforting because Bear was the one that was supposed to protect me.

When I arrived, baby Kaitlin was asleep in her room, Razor was at work and Kylie was catching up on her reading. She said her new favorite author was Theodora Taylor and I should check her out. She was the reader of the four of us and our e-Readers were loaded with books that she had recommended. To her credit, they were all good stuff.

It was good watching her transition from the bad ass, I don’t fuck bikers, to a mommy who’d married a biker. Kylie with her daughter made my heart tingle. Everything was where it was supposed to be and on some level that gave me hope.

*****

I WAS DOING SOME GROCERY shopping where I ran into Jeb.

“Fuck, Dessy.” He beamed. “Girl, you look good.”

“You don’t look so bad, yourself.” I laughed.

“Yeah, thinking of moving here permanently. You know this is a good town and the Guardians are the fucking best.”

I nodded and said, “Yeah, I get that. Funny, I’m thinking of moving away from here.” 

His eyebrows went up and then he asked, “You and Bear still a ...”

I rudely cut him off, “No.”

“Well, then maybe you and I...” I cut him off again.

“Jeb, if you’re thinking of being a Guardian, there’ll never be a you and me. That’s how they do it and I’m not coming between members of the brotherhood.” I held up my hand.

“Obliged,” he said. “Alright, Dessy. Well, take care of yourself, huh. Also, rethink that move. Manor suits you well.”

“You do the same.”

That night, I was not working so I visited another bar, Strayers, by myself. It was slightly out of town but it wasn’t crawling with Guardians. When Lori first came back to town, she was all about going to other bars because she couldn’t stand being around Apollo. Look how well that worked out for her.

I had on jeans, heels, a flirty blouse and my hair was pinned up. Sitting at the bar with my back toward it, I scoped out the scenery and thought maybe I could at least start a new friendship. I was having better luck here with three guys approaching me and only one I let stay.

Just as the guy was about to tell me about his family, that familiar voice cut through the the conversation, “Get lost.”

My head swiveled around and my squinted eyes burned daggers into my ex-man. Bear did not look good, the bags under his eyes were huge and he looked like he’d lost some weight. None of this was my concern anymore but it hurt me just a little to see the man in such a bad state.

Only a little.

Once it passed, I hissed, “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Bear didn’t even acknowledge my words. He simply looked at the man and watched him leave.

Coward.

My lip turned up towards Bear as he sat down and asked for a clean scotch. My head felt like it was about to burst. The anger cloaked me as I hopped off the seat and started to scream at him.

“Bear, what the hell is wrong with you?” My voice was up way too high. “How dare you come in here like you own me?” I said that on purpose. “You have no ties to me whatsoever.”

His blazing eyes met mine and he simply said, “Love you darlin’.”

Bear turned over his arm on the counter and there was a tattoo that had a picture of a Bear standing next to a woman with bobbed hair and the words, Bear loves Dessy.

Holy shit.

“I canno...” Everything went black and I have no idea what happened next.