last night was my first night in my new apartment.
I was a little ashamed to admit that, at twenty-five years old, I was nervous to stay alone in my apartment. It wasn’t that it was in a bad part of town because it wasn’t. It wasn’t like I was scared for my safety. I might have stayed in my own apartment for a while alone, but it never felt like that. It didn’t feel like mine. This did.
No problem, though, because Andrew and Natalie were more than happy to spend the first night with me. I was a little worried about Mom being alone, but she reassured me she would be fine. Maybe she was actually looking forward to some alone time. This would definitely work out for both of us.
We’d laid out blankets and pillows and slept on the living room floor. I had a T.V. from my room at Mom’s but no stand to put it on. Lying on the floor was better for watching television anyways. The kids had fun. Hell, I had fun. I’d have them over all the time. It would give Mom a break, and they could keep me company when I was lonely.
I’d felt lonely a lot lately. Between worrying about the kids and thinking about Marcus, it was hard not to get lost in my own head sometimes.
My mom texted me that she was outside, and I hurried to get the kids ready. Natalie was ready to go, excited to go shopping even if it was for furniture. Andrew, on the other hand, didn’t seem as pleased.
“What’s up, squirt? You look down,” I asked him as I put Natalie’s mittens on her and took her hand to leave.
“Nothing,” he said quietly, looking down at his shoes.
Frowning, I led them out the door and turned to lock it before continuing down the steps. We made it to the parking lot, and Mom got out of the car. Natalie took off running to her mam. Thankfully, Mom was parked closest to the building so I didn’t have to worry about her going into traffic. I sighed. She could make my hair turn gray quicker than anything.
“Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” I looked down at Andrew to see him still looking at his feet as we walked slowly to the car.
He stopped suddenly and looked up me with his sad eyes. I could’ve cried on the spot.
“Do you want to be away from us?”
My heart broke at his words. I kneeled down in front of him and pulled the front of his coat tighter around him for something to do rather than crush his little body into mine.
“Why would you ask that?” He’d been so excited the other day when Mom surprised me with the apartment. What was all this about? “I thought you were happy about my surprise?”
“I was…” he trailed off, looking back down at his feet which were now randomly kicking the sidewalk.
“But?” I prompted, though I could pretty much guess what he was going to say.
“We like staying with you and Mam.” I frowned and brought my hand up to cup his cheek, making him look at me. “Aw, Andrew, you are still gonna stay with Mam, and you and Natalie can come and stay with me anytime you want.”
He brightened when I spoke but only a little. “You won’t be like Mom?”
I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. I looked over to see my mom looking at us sadly but leaving us to our moment. I looked back at Andrew and failed to keep my tears in check.
“No, buddy. I will never leave you.” I wiped a tear from my face. “I will never leave you. You will always have me. And Mam. I promise.”
He nodded, and I pulled him into a hug.
It was times like these when I hated my sister. These kids deserved so much more. For them to assume that’s just what happens with families, to think that I’d just leave them made me physically sick. I could kill her, but I’d settle for loving her kids in a way she couldn’t seem to achieve.
“I love you, Aunt Amy,” he whispered into my neck.
I smiled through my silent tears. “I love you too, Andrew. More than you know.”
He pulled away, and we both smiled.
I kissed his forehead. “We better go before Mam and Natalie leave us.”
He laughed, but he was still a little upset. I didn’t know what else to say to make it better, and that just about killed me.
after spending the afternoon trying to find the best deals, which wasn’t too hard considering most places were having extended Black Friday sales, we returned to my apartment. The furniture I picked out would be delivered on Monday, but we got a few things to spruce up the place along with some groceries. The kids were taking a nap in my room while Mom and I put some more things away and started decorating.
“Andrew is taking this pretty hard now, isn’t he?” Mom asked me as she started reorganizing what I already had put away in the kitchen.
“How did you know?” I asked.
She gave me a look. Mom knew everything. That was how.
I sighed, pausing from here I was trying to hang some pictures, “He thinks I’m abandoning them. Like mommy,” I said with a hateful tone.
“I was afraid of that.” She sighed, crumpling up the now empty bags and adding them to the new bag holder she insisted I needed that was hanging from one of my cabinet’s handle.
“I’m so angry at her, Mom,” I said through clenched teeth. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Tears for those beautiful children sleeping in my bed right now, tears for the love that I had for them, and tears for my fury and frustration at my sister.
“I know, honey.” She came over and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her back tightly, drawing my strength from her like I always did. “Go ahead and take a seat on your makeshift furniture.”
We giggled. The lawn chairs I’d taken from her apartment were a temporary fix.
“I’ll be right there,” she added.
I did as she said and plopped down in a lawn chair. I slouched so I could lay my head on the back and covered my eyes with my arm. I took deep breaths to keep the tears at bay, but it was hard. I didn’t want to be upset. I didn’t want to be angry with my sister. I wanted to be there for those kids who deserved a much better life.
I was so proud of how they’d turned out. My mom was the reason why they were so well behaved and polite. They could have taken after their mom and been brats.
I looked up when I heard Mom sit down next to me and had to laugh. She was holding an open bottle of wine and two generic green Solo cups. She poured me a very generous amount of wine while only giving herself a little. I raised a brow at her.
“Hey, one of us as to be the responsible adult around here,” she said.
I laughed again. “I’ll drink to that.” I raised my cup to hers and touched them together before taking a drink.
“I have something I need to talk to you about,” Mom said as she sat the bottle of wine down on the carpet.
“Okay.” I took another big drink as I looked at her, figuring I needed more alcohol in me. I didn’t like the way she’d said it.
“You keep asking me about what process it takes to get the children permanently,” she started, turning to face me. “I’ve spoken to a lawyer a couple of times in the last week.”
I blinked, unsure of where she was going with this.
Mom kept trying to talk me out of taking the kids on my own, but it was something I wanted to do, something they deserved. It would be hard work, and I probably wasn’t ready to be a mother, but they needed it. I needed it.
“If everything pans out right now, I will be their legal guardian by Christmas.”
I gasped, almost dropping my cup. “What?”
I always thought my mother deserved more than raising kids her whole life. It didn’t seem like the life someone would want to volunteer for.
“We have to take your sister to court. You know she’ll fight me on this. If she can get clean and stay clean for a while, she’ll get them back. I think she deserves that chance.”
“Mom, she’s had chance after chance. She’s never going to stop using.” I sighed, exhausted from having the same argument. My mom had faith in my sister. I didn’t.
“I was hoping that if we actually got the law involved, it would be more motivation for her.”
“Her kids should be motivation enough.” I took a deep breath, not wanting to blow up. This wasn’t my mom’s fault. “I’ll help you with them.”
“I know you will, sweetie.” She smiled and patted my hand. “I’m counting on it.”
after our talk and dinner, Mom took the kids home, leaving me alone in the apartment. I sighed. My new place was coming along, but it still felt empty. Not to mention, I’d been expecting to have the kids or at least just Andrew tonight, but Mom insisted I get used to the place alone.
I lay down on my bed after making sure the door was locked for the millionth time and stared at my ceiling. I was alone for the first time in a good while, and it wasn’t that bad. Not yet anyways.
I pulled out my phone and, against my better judgment, decided to text Marcus. After he texted me yesterday, I got to wondering if I was overthinking things. Maybe we could be friends. The distance from each other at work this weekend had already been better for us.
Hey, what’s up?
Lame. I seriously couldn’t think of anything else to say? It didn’t matter, I guess, because he replied almost instantly.
Not much. You?
Nothing. First night alone in the new apartment. Just thought I’d see what you were doing.
Oh nice. Do you like it? he texted.
Yeah, it’s a nice place.
Good.
The conversation was becoming forced. I wanted us to be comfortable with one another. Maybe I was asking too much.
I made a face as I typed out my next message. I had to at least make an effort.
How’s Hannah?
Funny you should ask…
I frowned at my phone. What did he mean by that? And why did he only send that?
Why’s that?
We got some news yesterday. I’m not sure how you’ll take it.
I frowned again. How I would take it? Why would their news have anything to do with me?
Okay… I sent.
I had been hoping to distract myself from the talk I had with my mom earlier. I’d succeeded there, but now I wished I had something else to think about besides worrying about whatever the hell Marcus and I were anymore.
Hannah’s pregnant.
Well, that would do it.