a week. one full week had passed, and I hadn’t left my apartment. Erica, being the mama bear she had to be sometimes, made sure I ate, showered, and whatnot, but I wasn’t ready to face the world.
She made sure to get my class assignments for me, which I tried to focus on while I was home alone all week long. Luckily, most of my professors didn’t keep track of attendance. I wouldn’t get in trouble for not actually being there as long as I got my work done. It was a struggle though.
I told myself I wouldn’t mope. Every night, I told myself that tomorrow would be different. Yet, here I was, doing the same thing I’ve done every day. I lay back in my bed and stared at the ceiling. There were times when I could briefly forget everything that had happened, when I could think that everything was fine. Times when I could forget I ever met Justin, back when Marcus and I were still best friends.
This was definitely not one of those times.
I’m sorry about the other night. I typed out a text to Marcus and let my finger hover over the send button, only to backspace until it was gone. I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to try to fix what had happened.
Marcus, I don’t want to lose you…
And again, I backspaced my way out of that text as well. I couldn’t just text him. I didn’t want to face the rejection of him not replying.
I spent the morning crying, and now, I was spending the afternoon crying. Erica, while she was supportive, apparently couldn’t listen to me bawling anymore. She went to the library to get some things done for school. She was giving me space, which I desperately needed but also desperately didn’t want. Sure, I had moments when I wanted to be alone to cry in peace. But then there were times, like now, when I felt so broken that the thought of being alone made it that much worse.
My phone died sometime after my last attempts to text Marcus, and I never put it back on the charger. That would only give me means to try again and pathetically ask for forgiveness or to text or call Justin and give him a piece of my mind. Justin deserved it, but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for that. Besides, I honestly didn’t think he’d care, and I didn’t really want to waste my breath or my time on him anymore.
Too bad my mind wasn’t getting that memo.
The sound of the front door opening and closing pulled me from my thoughts. I rolled over in bed, faced the wall opposite my door, and wiped my face on my sleeve, wanting to look a little better. Maybe I’d give her hope that I was getting better when we both knew I wasn’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
“Hannah?” she whispered as she walked into my room.
I didn’t reply. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, not even Erica.
She sat in front of me on the edge of the bed, much like she had last week when we finally talked everything out. Letting out a breath, she rubbed my shoulder. I fought the urge to jerk away from her. I didn’t want to be touched. I just wanted to wallow in my own self-pity.
“Hannah, have you eaten today?”
“Yes, mom,” I said a little snarkier than she deserved.
She sighed. “Come on. Let’s go watch a movie. You need out of this room.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere, E.” I took in a deep breath, feeling tears form again. “I don’t want to risk seeing anyone right now.”
“Then let’s just go to the living room. We’ll order Pay-Per-View.” She continued to rub my shoulder.
I just shook my head. “I don’t want to, Erica.”
She sighed again. “Hannah, you can’t stay in your room forever. You have a life to get back to.”
This time, I did shrug away from her. With a final sigh, she got up and left me alone. The moment my door closed behind her, the tears came back with full force. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to have someone with me. I couldn’t decide.
My mind was no more straightened out than it had been a week ago. Everything remained fresh in my mind. I knew I was being a little more dramatic than need be, but I couldn’t help it. I was still really hurt.
Not only had I lost my boyfriend that night, but I’d lost my lifelong best friend too.
A girl could only take so much.
come monday, i tried to get back to my normal routine, as much as I could. I went to class, worked at café, and then came home. Erica seemed a little more pleased that I was at least trying.
Idly flipping through the channels, I was sitting on the couch while she made us dinner. I had to admit it did feel nice to not be curled up in a ball in my bed, but at the same time, I was so ready to be back in there so I could cry myself to sleep some more.
I really was pathetic.
Erica had been trying to avoid talking about her current crush all week, but I could tell she was about to bust. I felt like a terrible person for not wanting to know about him. I felt even worse that I ruined her Halloween night with him. She had been at his place when she got Marcus’ text about what happened with Justin.
Every time he’d call, she’d step outside so I wouldn’t have to hear it. Her face would light up in a big smile every single time when she’d get a text from him. She deserved to be happy, and she definitely deserved to have a best friend who actually cared. But I just couldn’t. Not yet.
I took a deep breath, and the smell of the lasagna Erica was making filled my nose. I almost moaned out loud. I hadn’t been eating well, but I loved lasagna. I knew that’s why she was making it now.
It wasn’t too much later when she brought me a plate of lasagna with a breadstick and a salad on the side. Wow, she really went all out for this. I forced a smile and sat forward on the couch so I could use the coffee table. She walked back into the kitchen and came back with her food, minus the salad, balancing two glasses of wine in her other hand. I quickly took the glasses from her to sit them on the table.
“I hope you’re hungry,” she said with a smirk.
“I am, actually.” I could almost see a twinkle in her eye at my words.
“Good,” she said, forcing her words to sound nonchalant. But I could tell she liked my answer.
The food tasted wonderful. I couldn’t believe how hungry I really was after the I took that first bite. A couple of times I had to slurp one of the noodles in my mouth quickly to keep it from dripping on my clothes. Erica would give me a smile of adoration, like she loved to see me eat without abandon.
While we were eating, I watched Erica out of the corner of my eye. Every once in a while, she’d look at her phone and grin before typing something. Her phone must have been on silent because I never heard it. Maybe she was trying to hide it from me seeing as I hadn’t been very welcoming of her talking about it.
I’d been such a crappy friend this last week. I really needed to work on that, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to listen to her talk about her guy. I was worried it would make me think harder about Justin or Marcus, but maybe she needed me. She’d done so much for me. It was the least I could do.
“So, this guy…”
She startled and furrowed her brow at me.
I nodded to her phone, which caused her to smile. “David, right?”
“Yeah,” she said, a little shocked I remembered. I was shocked myself. She couldn’t contain her smile. “Hannah, he’s pretty great.”
“That’s great, E.” I forced out with a small smile. I really wanted to be happy for her. I was happy for her. I just didn’t know how to show it yet.
“Hannah, we don’t have to do this.” She was frowning at me.
I hadn’t realized I’d zoned out a bit.
“I’m trying, Erica. I really am.” I pushed my plate away.
“I know you are, Hannah. I’ll talk about him if you’re comfortable with it.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve been dying to tell you about it.”
“Go for it. Maybe it will distract me from my own thoughts. Keep me out of my own head,” I said with a small grin.
She didn’t need to be told twice.
“Okay, so he works for his dad right now. Real estate. He hates it. But I think he wants to branch out and do it on his own and not under his father…” She was speaking about a mile a minute.
“Hold on, slow down there, tiger,” I said with a small chuckle. She stopped eating and looked at me like I’d just spoken another language. “What?”
“Nothing,” she smiled. “I just wasn’t sure you were actually listening to me.”
“Erica, of course I’m listening!” I shook my head. “Wow, I have been a terrible friend the last few days, haven’t I?” I sighed and frowned at my food.
Erica scooted closer to me and nudged my shoulder with hers. “No, Han. You haven’t. You’ve been through a lot.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you and what’s going on in your life.” I turned my head to face her. “You’re my best friend, E. I’m sorry this has got me so messed up.”
She put her arm around me and squeezed. “Do not apologize for that. It would have anyone messed up.”
I leaned into her for a brief moment and then sat up again before I let my thoughts cloud my head again. I wasn’t about to let it overwhelm me right now when Erica and I were finally making some progress. “Okay, so tell me more about David.”
She kept speaking as she stood up and gathered her dishes to go to the kitchen so I did the polite thing and got mine to follow her. We fell into a little routine without me even realizing it. She talked as we put away the things she used to cook, and then she washed the dishes while I dried.
It wasn’t much, but it was a start. I almost felt a little like myself.
We both leaned against the kitchen counter and I was starting to wish the conversation was coming to an end. Not because I didn’t want to hear about her new relationship, but because I was starting to hurt the more she talked. It all just made me think more about Justin and Marcus. I was saved by the bell, or ringtone rather. When did she turn her phone on ring? She apologized and went outside to answer her phone, and for that, I was grateful.
I took my chance and went back to my room, plopping down carelessly on my bed. I really needed to try harder. I was upset, and I was heartbroken, but it was not the end of the world. God, why did it still hurt this badly? I just wanted it to stop.