i hadn’t slept at all. There was no way I was going to be able to with the battle inside my head. I couldn’t even remember what time I decided that staying in the house alone was a bad idea and jumped in my car. I had no destination in mind. I just had to keep going.
I’d spent hours at home after leaving Hannah at the hospital, but it felt like days. Years, even. I kept telling myself that it would get easier, that if I just waited long enough to calm down, things could be okay. But that didn’t happen, and I didn’t calm down.
I debated getting rip-roaring drunk in the comfort of my own home, but that wasn’t really my style. I didn’t have any alcohol in the house anyways, considering I didn’t drink much. I could have gone to Chad’s house. He always had at least a few beers, but the thought of seeing anyone, of having to explain what was wrong, was out of the question.
So here I was, in my car with absolutely no idea where I was. I’d been driving for a couple of hours. Maybe I shouldn’t have been driving while I was this upset, but being behind the wheel calmed me down a little. Not that it helped ease my mind, but I was no longer ready to throw my fist through a wall. Or twenty.
No matter what had happened, no matter how I was supposed to be feeling, I still couldn’t shake the fact that Hannah’s baby wasn’t mine. This life I’d been planning in my head for the last month wasn’t going to be a reality. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself to be rational, that there was no way Hannah would have intentionally lied to me about something like this, I still couldn’t bring myself to believe it.
How could Hannah not have known?
I’d asked myself that question a million times since I heard the news. Fifteen weeks. Two words and my world had been thrown upside down and sideways all at once. Wouldn’t the fact that she hadn’t had a period since then be enough proof? But she told the nurse at the clinic, as well as on her paperwork at the hospital that her last period had been around Halloween. Why?
Fuck.
What if she’d been lying? What if she knew the whole time and just hoped I wouldn’t find out until I was too invested? I mean, come on. It wasn’t like she could have hid it forever. I might not know much about pregnancy, but when she gave birth two months early to a perfectly healthy, normal-sized baby, I’d surely know something was up.
Or maybe she just thought I was stupid.
Whatever the reason, I kept bringing myself back to the baby. That baby didn’t deserve me abandoning it. That baby didn’t deserve Justin as a father after all the hell he’d put Hannah through. Hannah and I didn’t have to be together for me to be a good father to that baby.
That was, if Hannah would allow me to be a father even if I weren’t with her.
I hadn’t made any decisions yet. I couldn’t. I still hadn’t calmed down enough to make a rational decision. I’d never let my emotions control me in that way. Nothing good ever came from it.
Exhibit A: my unknown destination because I just got in my car and drove.
I pulled into a gas station, needing to fill up if I was going to make it home. As I got out of the car and made my way into the store, I had half a mind to buy a six-pack to take home but thought against it. I wasn’t much of a drinker, and I wasn’t about to start now.
I walked up to the counter and pulled out my wallet so I could pre-pay, handing over thirty dollars and telling the cashier what pump. I looked around, hoping I’d find something with a clue as to how far I’ve come, but came up short. I didn’t want to ask where I was and sound like the idiot that I was, but I had to ask to get an idea.
“About how far from Batavia am I?” I asked as the man behind the counter handed me my receipt.
“Batavia? I’d say at least a couple of hours.”
I nodded my thanks and walked back out to the car.
Ten minutes later, I was back in the car and pulling back out on the road. I needed to go home. I’d done what thinking I could, and now I just needed to rest, though I didn’t figure I’d sleep. A shower sounded nice, though.
I wondered what Chad had been up to tonight. Then it dawned on me what today was. Or, more accurately, what day yesterday was as it was now pushing four in the morning.
Amy’s birthday.
I didn’t text her yesterday morning because I knew I’d see her that night at her party, and I was too excited about doctor’s appointment. After the devastating news, I’d thrown my phone against the wall so that wasn’t an option anymore. Not to mention Amy hadn’t even been on my mind once until now.
I couldn’t believe how suddenly guilty that made me feel.
All the shit that was going on and I felt guilty about missing Amy’s birthday. I guessed that said more about me than I was willing to admit.
Chad would have been at her apartment last night. I’d have interrupted the party Devon had surprised Amy with had I called. He’d have left because I know Chad and there is no way he could continue having fun at a party after the news I had, and then Amy would have worried, and I’d have ruined her night.
No, it was better that I hadn’t tried to get ahold of him, for more than one reason.
Besides, Amy shouldn’t have been the one on my mind right now, but dammit, she was suddenly all I could think about. I was one screwed-up man.
I had a lot of thinking to do. I needed to get my mind straight and figure out what to do about Hannah and the baby. I could worry about Amy later once my mind was clearer.
The two-hour drive ahead of me was going to be absolute hell.
the next morning, i sat in the waiting room of the OB’s office, my knee bouncing a mile a minute. I was at least an hour early, but I didn’t want to take a chance and miss Hannah.
I thought I had everything figured out when I arrived earlier, but I was wrong. The longer I sat here, the more nervous I became and the less sure I was about what I had originally planned to say and do.
I had every intention on coming here and asking Hannah for forgiveness for the way I acted. I was definitely in the wrong. I knew that now. I just hoped she would forgive me.
But after it was all said and done, that wasn’t all I was planning on telling her.
I needed a little time to process what I knew now. That didn’t mean I wasn’t willing to work at it, but she had to give me time. Frankly, if I had to make my decision today, I highly doubted she’d like my answer. Hell, I was sure I wouldn’t like it either. I didn’t want to live to regret what had happened so I needed to really think it through, and the twenty-four hours I’d already had weren’t enough.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with Hannah. I wasn’t sure I didn’t want to be with her though either. Maybe my dad had a point. Maybe I was sticking around because it was the right thing to do when it came to the baby. I cared about Hannah. I’d been in love with her for most of my life. There was no question there, but that didn’t necessarily mean I had to stay with her out of some obligation I made up in my head.
No, if I stayed with her, it would be for the two of us, not just the baby. Coming together for the baby only would end up hurting our child more than it helped. It would be hard to keep the charade up, and eventually, he or she would catch on. Who knew what it would do to the child to find out Mommy and Daddy didn’t really love each other.
Knowing now that the child wasn’t even really mine really put things into perspective for me. I still wasn’t happy, but it did help me see that maybe the baby was the only thing keeping me with Hannah, and I hadn’t wanted to realize it.
Still, I refused to make a hasty decision. Hannah would have to give me that before we could even more forward, as friends or as more.
The door opened for what felt like the hundredth time, and I groaned in frustration as a different couple walked in. I looked down at my watch and saw Hannah had about fifteen minutes before her appointment.
Fifteen.
I really hated that number.
Just as I was about to get up and start pacing, the door opened again, and my breath caught at the sight of Hannah walking through the door with Erica in tow. Erica saw me first, and based on the glare she was sending me, she obviously wasn’t happy with me at the moment. Not that I blamed her.
“Marcus?” Hannah’s startled voice caused me to refocus on her.
She was more surprised than I’d imagined she would be. My track record right now would say differently, but I’d thought Hannah would at least think I would come around.
“Hannah, I’m—”
“What are you doing here?” Erica’s snarl cut me off.
I had to take a deep breath so I wouldn’t remind her that this didn’t involve her. It did involve her. Had I not walked away, Erica wouldn’t even be here. She was being a good friend to Hannah, and despite my sudden anger with her, I was happy Hannah had a friend like her.
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” I started again, completely ignoring Erica’s question, keeping my gaze on Hannah.
“I didn’t think you’d be here,” she replied in a whisper, almost sounding scared if I wasn’t mistaken.
When I took a step towards her, she took a step back, and it was confirmed.
She knew I’d never physically hurt her, but I can’t imagine the emotional hurt I caused. She looked up at me, her green eyes still extremely wide with shock and fear. I knew she wasn’t scared of me, but more than likely scared of how I might react. Whether I’d stay or not.
Since we were standing right in front of the door, I couldn’t help but look up when it opened again. I wished I hadn’t. I wished I could have ignored the person who was now standing directly behind Hannah, staring me down like I was the intruder.
“Justin,” I breathed, the wind suddenly knocked out of me.
“Marcus, I can explain,” Hannah started, taking a step towards me, making me retreat much like she did just a few moments ago.
I shook my head, suddenly not wanting to hear anything she had to say to me, and took another step back. Her eyes glass over, unshed tears making the green of her eyes stand out, and I couldn’t bring myself to care. Justin smirked at me from my peripheral vision, but I refused to look at him. For all I knew, it could have been my imagination, but I didn’t want to confirm it.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered, but I knew Hannah heard me by the sharp intake of breath. She opened her mouth to say something, but I didn’t give her the chance. “I can’t do this,” I repeated. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
I stepped around them, dodging Hannah’s hand as she reached for me and walked out of the door. I hated that we made a small scene in the waiting room, but I wasn’t about to make it worse. I needed to get out of here.
“Mark!”
I stopped, hearing Erica’s voice, though I tried to tell my feet to keep going. Deep down, I needed to hear what she had to say. My own form of punishment.
I turned to face her, taking slow and steady breaths to keep myself calm.
“You can’t walk away again,” she said a little breathlessly as she caught up to where I was waiting.
“I have to.” I turned to leave but her hand on my arm stopped me.
“She needs you, Mark.” She sounded tired as she spoke and I imagine she was. But so was I.
“Clearly, she doesn’t.” I tossed over my shoulder, waiting as patiently as I could for Erica to release my arm.
“She’s trying to do the right thing.”
“So am I.” I faced her fully now, her hand finally falling from my arm. “For me.”
The look on Erica’s face told me she thought I was sounded like a selfish bastard. I took that as my cue to go.
“So, that’s it then?” she asked when I got a few feet down the hallway.
I faced her, knowing exactly what she was asking, and it wasn’t just about this appointment or the baby. She was asking about my relationship with Hannah, and I had to be honest with her.
“Yeah. It is.” I was completely walking away from this because I didn’t know what else to do at the moment.
The shocked look on Erica’s face caused a lump to form in my throat, but I kept my ground. She didn’t reply so I finally was able to turn around once again and walk away.
Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I wasn’t. I couldn’t be sure until I had time to calm down yet again. This was too much. I didn’t want to handle it all right now.
Hannah had Justin to be here with her as well as Erica. He was the father of her baby. Maybe it was better this way.
Time. I still needed time. I couldn’t walk away from Hannah forever, but I couldn’t just sit back on the sidelines now. I needed to focus on myself, clear my own head. Maybe then we could figure out where to go from here. I would talk to Hannah, once I was calm. I was invested in more than just the baby. But I wasn’t willing to go through all of this again.