thank god it didn’t take long for the nurse to get what she needed from Hannah. I was ready to see our baby. Was I still nervous? I wasn’t sure I’d even make a good father. Everyone else seemed to think I would though, and that counted for something.
I tried not to let the words my father said to me make me think right now. There would be plenty of time for that later. I was where I belonged. For now, I wanted to be here. With Hannah. Ready to see the life we created.
“You’re not far enough along to see by a regular ultrasound,” the tech said, pulling on a pair of gloves.
The nurse had led us down the hall to a room labeled “Ultrasound” and passed us off to the woman seat on the other side of Hannah. Her name was Claire.
“This will be an internal ultrasound.” She held up what looked like a thick wand, and I cringed.
When we first got back to the room we were in now, Heather the nurse had left a hospital robe for Hannah to change into. There was a bathroom off to the side of the room so Hannah changed in there. I was a little relieved. I didn’t need any sexual distractions right now.
Now Hannah lay on the table, her back propped up with pillows. The tech covered her with a sheet before she’d put her feet in the stirrups at the foot of the bed. I stayed by her head anyways, her hand in mine. Heather poked her head into the room after knocking and came on inside.
“Dr. Lopez is going to be a while longer and asked if you wanted to wait or reschedule. She can see you tomorrow morning.”
Hannah frowned and looked up at me before looking back at Heather.
“You can continue with the ultrasound now, of course. This will just be for her to examine you herself and talk about your plans.”
“Oh,” Hannah said, visibly relaxing. Her grip on my hand lessened a little. I hadn’t even realized she was squeezing it so hard until she stopped. “Um,” she said as she looked up at me in question.
I was supposed to work tomorrow, but I was sure I could figure something out.
“Tomorrow morning will be fine,” I said to the nurse, smile at her.
She nodded and told us she would mark it down, and we were free to leave after the ultrasound and walked back out the door. When she was gone, I smiled down at Hannah, and I could see the excitement in her eyes. I was sure it matched mine, and I could hardly contain it.
“All right, Hannah. This will be cool, and you’ll feel a little pressure. Just relax.” The tech said, her hand disappearing from view underneath the sheet that had been pulled over Hannah’s knees.
Hannah gasped, but it was barely audible. What was more noticeable was the way she tensed, squeezing my hand again at the initial intrusion. It wasn’t but a few seconds in when we heard the static sounds being replaced with something else, and Hannah relaxed again. I couldn’t really describe the sound. Like a clock under water, maybe?
“There’s the heartbeat,” she said.
It was my turn to gasp. Once she said what we were listening to, it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“It’s strong. That’s good.” She was smiling at us. “Let’s see if we can get some measurements, and I’ll snap some pictures for you.”
She focused on the screen in front of us while she moved her arm, the only indication she was actually moving the wand that was inside of Hannah because I couldn’t see from the sheet. I could see the black screen flow with the movements, and finally, there was a big blob of white. Sorry, but that’s exactly what it looked like at first.
My face was hurting from how much I was grinning. That was my blob. I created that blob. I looked down. There were tears in Hannah’s eyes. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head before standing back up and looking back myself.
“Hmm,” Claire said. She frowned at the screen for a moment before frowning at Hannah’s chart.
“Something wrong?” I couldn’t help myself. If something was wrong, I definitely didn’t want any of them to beat around the bush.
“Not wrong, no.” She looked up and grinned at me before going back to the task at hand. “Just a miscalculation, I’d say.”
Miscalculation? What the hell was she talking about? She seemed as calm and relaxed as she had when we began, all the confusion and the tension I felt from her just moments ago gone. My tension, however, was still very much present. A miscalculation seemed like a bigger deal than she was letting on. I didn’t even know what kind of miscalculation she could be talking about.
“What do you mean a miscalculation?” Thankfully, Hannah still had her voice, though it was very soft.
“Well, according to your chart,” she said, glancing back down at it, “you should be just a little over eight weeks along right now.”
My heart just stopped. Should be?
“But according to this, your baby is measuring about fifteen weeks.”
I blinked. What?
“Fifteen weeks? T-that’s impossible.” I could barely hear Hannah over the rushing in my ears.
Fifteen weeks. That was impossible. We’d barely been together for two months. I didn’t look away from the screen, even when I felt Hannah looking at me and squeezing my hand. She and the tech both said something, but I’ll be damned if I couldn’t hear a single thing they said.
Fifteen weeks? I frowned deeply, staring at the living creation on the screen. It was moving a little, and I almost smiled. Almost. I was racking my brain, trying to do the math in my head. Fifteen weeks was when? September sometime.
Fuck.
I jerked like I’d been slapped, and in a way, I guess I had. My breathing became more labored, and I couldn’t stop myself from dropping Hannah’s hand. Fifteen weeks. September. That meant…
This was Justin’s baby. Not mine.
i had no idea how I got home, but there, I was walking through my front door. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t feel. I was just numb.
Like the douche that I obviously was, I walked out on Hannah right there at the hospital.
I didn’t know what exactly came over me. Well, yeah, I did. I just found out my girlfriend was pregnant by another guy. Granted, she hadn’t cheated. It was from when she dated him before, but still. I couldn’t get past the fact that the baby I’d been so anxious to see, the baby I thought belonged to me, the one I’d been talking to every single night since we found out wasn’t mine.
I didn’t think I could cope.
How could Hannah not know? How in the world could she have gotten this wrong? I had no right to be blaming her. I truly didn’t believe she lied to me, but, damn, I felt like she should have known. She should have known so she could warn me.
There were signs I’d apparently overlooked like the fact that her belly was bigger than we’d expected. She’d chocked it up to being bloated and everything I’d read online backed that up. Nope. Not bloat. The baby was older than expected.
Fuck. How in the hell did this happen? Just this morning, things were fine. We were fine. We’d been excited about this appointment, and now, look where we were.
How could Hannah not have known?
I paced my kitchen, stomped around was more like it, and some of my humanity seemed to be returning because I suddenly felt guilty about walking out on Hannah. But not guilty enough to go back. Not yet.
I got my phone out of my pocket and sent a quick text to Erica, telling her to pick Hannah up at the hospital ASAP from the appointment. That was all I said.
The rage I was feeling came back, and without thinking, I threw my phone as hard as I could, watching it shatter against the far all in the kitchen beside the refrigerator. It wasn’t satisfying enough.
I wasn’t a violent person. I’d never felt anything like I was right now, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I walked back into the spare bedroom where Hannah and I had started buying little things here and there. Things we could get away with without knowing the sex, some unisex baby blankets, random onesies with cute sayings on them, supplies we would need no matter what the sex. I couldn’t stand to look at it.
I wanted to smash it. I wanted to break everything in sight and tear the clothing and bedding to shreds. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to take my anger out on an innocent baby.
He or she may not be mine, but they deserved much more than that.
Instead, I went back to the kitchen for a large trash bag and came back to the spare room. Without a second thought, I started throwing as much as I could into the bag, filling it more quickly than I’d imagined. I had to go back for two more bags before I got everything out of the room. What to do with it now was the question.
I debated taking it to Hannah’s apartment, but in all my haste, I had no idea how much time had passed and wasn’t sure if she’d be home or not. I opted for the garage for now. I could deal with it later when I’d calmed down.
I had a feeling I’d regret trashing it. I also had a feeling I’d regret tossing it in the garage like trash. For now, though, it was a small comfort in the hell that had become my life.
Was I overreacting? Maybe but I’d never felt a betrayal like this.
Hannah might not have been fully aware of the situation, but I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever at least suspected it. I didn’t think Hannah would lie, but she’d been doing some pretty out of character things when she was jealous of Amy. What if she just didn’t want me to know so I wouldn’t leave her?
That couldn’t have been it. She had been just as excited as me for this appointment. If she knew that it wasn’t my baby, she wouldn’t have been. It had been a shock to her too.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to go back. I needed time away from her, time to think.
I just hoped she’d forgive me when I was ready for it.
If I was ever ready for it.
I didn’t know what this meant for Hannah and my relationship. If I had to decide right now, I’d say it was over, but I couldn’t really think rationally. One thing I knew for sure was that I would not take it out on that baby. He or she deserved a father.
If Hannah would have me after this, that was exactly what I’d be. The way I was feeling right now, I would be that and nothing more.
A father.