CHAPTER 23

Julie

The second Michael walked out the door, I collapsed in a heap on the floor. All my strength was sapped from my body as tears finally fell from my eyes. I’d been holding them back, determined not to cry in front of Michael. But once he was gone, I couldn’t hold myself together for another second. I sobbed as I hit the floor, a pitiful cry ripped itself free from my chest, and Andrea rushed out of my bedroom.

“Is he gone?” she asked, looking around the room frantically.

All I could do was nod. Andrea ran to me and sat down on the floor beside me. Her arms were around me in an instant, holding me together while I let myself cry everything out. I sobbed and rocked, holding onto Andrea for dear life.

I needed something solid to focus on, something that would keep me grounded while my heart shattered. Andrea was that something. I clung to her arms like they were my own personal lifeline. She held me just as tightly, her head resting gently against my own. She didn’t move an inch as I sobbed, tears pouring uncontrollably down my cheeks.

When Michael first showed up at my door, I couldn’t believe he was there. I was livid. Furious. Then, I remembered that he didn’t know anything. He had no idea about my dinner with Joshua, so he didn’t yet know that I’d found out the truth. He looked so excited when I opened the door. His dark blue eyes were lit up with the smile I knew all too well. My heart ached when I saw him.

It took all my strength not to give in to my feelings. Just looking at him was enough to shake my resolve. I wanted to believe Joshua was lying. I spent all day telling myself it couldn’t be true, that Joshua was just trying to weasel his way back into my life. Deep down, I knew I was lying to myself. Joshua wasn’t lying. Everything he said at dinner was the truth.

Still, when Michael finally admitted it, I was crushed. A part of me had been clinging to the slim possibility that it was all a lie. I was desperate to believe Michael was a good man, the perfect man. I was wrong. Horribly wrong. And for what? What was his end game? Was he trying to humiliate me? Was he using me to get at his brother for something? I just didn’t know. All I knew was that it hurt like hell.

Andrea tightened her grip on me as the sobs finally started to subside. My throat was sore, and my nose was dripping, but I didn’t care. I wanted to get everything out so I could start to make sense of my new situation. If I let my emotions control me, I knew I would never pick myself back up again.

I pulled away from Andrea and sniffed. My face felt disgusting, so I hurried into the bathroom and cleaned myself up. As I stared into the mirror, I told myself to pull it together. I cried. I broke down. Now, I needed to move on. I needed to pick myself up and figure out a way to let go of both Michael and Joshua. For good.

When I walked back out to the living room, Andrea was sitting on the couch. She smiled when she saw me and patted the cushion beside her. I sighed and sank down, letting my head fall back. My entire body felt weak with exhaustion. If it wasn’t for the dull ache in my chest, I could have fallen asleep right there.

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Andrea asked softly.

“How much did you hear?” I asked.

“Pretty much everything,” Andrea said.

I nodded. I knew that would be her answer. When we saw that it was Michael at the door, I ushered Andrea out of the room. She hid in my bedroom to give Michael and me some space, but I knew it killed her to not be right beside me. If I knew my best friend, she had her ear pressed against the door until the minute Michael left.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” I said, speaking more to myself than to Andrea.

“I’m so sorry,” Andrea said. She put her hand on top of mine and squeezed my fingers. I tried to smile at her, to show how grateful I was that she was there, but I couldn’t. Even my face was exhausted.

“This is insane,” I said. “How did this happen?”

“I don’t know.” Andrea shook her head. “It does seem surreal.”

“It’s beyond surreal,” I said.

“Fucked up,” Andrea said. “Fucked up is the best way to describe this.”

“How could he lie to me?” I asked. My eyes burned with fresh tears, but I blinked them away impatiently. I didn’t want to cry anymore. Not tonight.

“Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing,” Andrea said softly.

I jerked my head up to stare at her. I thought for sure I’d misheard her. For a second, it sounded as if Andrea was going to defend Michael.

“What?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Andrea said quickly. “But, it just… He really seemed to like you. I can’t imagine he would do something like this just to hurt you. It doesn’t make sense.”

“It does if it was some sort of game,” I said. “If he and Joshua cooked up a scheme or something.”

“Do you really think that’s what happened?” Andrea asked doubtfully. “I mean, you said yourself that Joshua was shocked when he saw you with Michael.”

“It could have been an act,” I said.

“And the whole ‘I still love you’ thing?” Andrea pressed. “Was that part of their game?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged. “Don’t ask me to understand how their minds work.”

“It just doesn’t add up, Julie,” Andrea said. “It doesn’t make sense for Joshua and Michael to plan this whole thing out just to screw with you.”

I shook my head and looked away. The last thing I needed was for my best friend to defend Michael and, yet, I knew she was right. It didn’t make sense. Joshua was way too surprised to see me with Michael. He was shocked. Livid. There was no way he knew about us until we showed up for dinner.

Still, Michael knew the truth the whole time. That first day in the café, he knew who I was. He knew all about my relationship with Joshua, and he never said anything.

“How could Michael lie?” I asked again. “And why? What was the point?”

“I don’t know,” Andrea said. “That part really doesn’t make sense.”

“I mean, he could have just told me who he was,” I said. “He could have said, ‘Hey, I’m Joshua’s brother, and I recognized you from Facebook. You’re Julie, right?’ It would have been that simple.”

“Maybe.” Andrea shrugged. “Or maybe not.”

I frowned and stared at her. Andrea was usually the first person to man-bash. Every time either one of us went through a breakup, she was vicious with her insults. It always helped us move on, but now, she was only confusing me more.

“What’s going on with you?” I demanded. “I thought for sure you would hate Michael for what he did to me.”

“I do!” Andrea said quickly. “Julie, trust me. I’m pissed as hell right now.”

“Then, why are you defending him?” I asked.

“Because he doesn’t seem like a jerk,” Andrea said simply. “Joshua always seemed like a total tool. From the first time I met him, I hated him. But Michael, not so much.”

“You’ve never actually met him,” I said.

“You’re right,” she said with a nod. “But the way he was talking to you, it’s obvious that he really cares about you, Julie.”

“If you care about someone, you don’t lie to them.”

“Maybe he didn’t know how to tell you,” Andrea said softly. “Maybe he saw you in the café and wanted to talk to you, but he was afraid you’d run away if you knew who he was. Then, he really started to like you, and the closer you two became, the harder it was to tell you the truth. Maybe, he just wanted to see if things could work out between you guys before he dropped the bomb about being Joshua’s brother.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t make sense. Besides, even if it’s true, it’s a shitty reason to lie to someone.”

“I agree,” Andrea said. “But it makes sense, doesn’t it?”

I just shook my head again and turned away. I didn’t want things to make sense yet. I just wanted to be angry, to silently curse Michael for making me fall for him. I hated him for breaking my heart when it was already in a shambles over Joshua.

“I wish I’d never met him,” I said softly. “Him or Joshua. They’ve only brought me grief.”

“I know.” Andrea sighed and sank down closer to me.

We sat in silence for a while. My head was spinning. It seemed crazy that this was where my life had ended up. It wasn’t that long ago that Andrea and I were moving my stuff into this house. It felt like yesterday that I was crying over Joshua and, now, here I was, broken over a man who turned out to be his brother.

“I just,” I said, finally breaking the silence, “I really, really wish I’d never met either one of them.”

“You don’t mean that,” Andrea said softly.

I looked at her, angry at first. She just smiled at me kindly and squeezed my hand again. Andrea was never the type of friend to lie. She wouldn’t sugarcoat things. She wouldn’t hide from the real issues just to make me feel better. Most the of time, I loved her for it.

“I wish I meant it,” I said, sighing.

My eyes closed, and I felt fresh tears begin to form. As much as I wanted to be done crying, I wasn’t.

“I was falling in love with him,” I said weakly. My voice broke, and just like that, I was crying again.

Andrea pulled me into her arms and smoothed my hair. She let me cry on and off for the rest of the night. We switched between hating Joshua, cursing Michael, and laughing at them both. Still, nothing we did made me feel any better. I missed Michael so much that my stomach felt like a pit. It was as if he’d created a void I wasn’t sure I would be able to fill again.

“He meant a lot to you,” Andrea said later that night. “I can tell.”

“You want to know something really pathetic?” I asked.

“Always.” Andrea smiled.

“Part of me thought he was the one,” I said. “I know, it’s stupid.”

“Why is that stupid?” Andrea asked.

“Because we barely know each other,” I said. “We only just met and, already, I was falling for him.”

Andrea shrugged. “Sometimes it happens that way,” she said. “Love at first sight does exist, you know?”

“I’m not so sure about that,” I said doubtfully. “That’s a fairy tale.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Andrea said.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I said. “Everything’s different now. Everything’s changed.”

“So, you never want to see him again?” Andrea asked. “Ever? You don’t want to let him try and explain?”

I didn’t know the answer to her question, so I didn’t give one. Part of me hated Michael more than I’d ever hated anyone. Another part of me wanted to fall into his arms and let him heal me. I didn’t know which part of me would win.

“I don’t want to think about it tonight,” I said. “I just want to get through this.”

Andrea nodded. We kept talking through the night. We ordered pizza and sipped wine until the sun rose outside.