CHAPTER 25

Julie

Saturday morning came too early. Andrea was passed out on my couch, but I hadn’t yet made it off the living room floor. My head ached from all the wine we drank and, yet, the hangover still didn’t hurt as badly as the memory of what happened with Michael. I could still see him leaving the night before, disappearing out my front door without a backward glance.

Andrea tried to convince me to call him. By the time we opened the second bottle of wine, she was convinced that my love for Michael was real. She pushed me to forgive him, saying that it would only make me happier if I did. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to make the phone call. As much as I still cared about him, I wasn’t ready to face him yet. I didn’t know if I would ever be ready.

“Good morning,” Andrea mumbled when she saw that I was awake. “I need water.”

“On it.” I slowly got to my feet and grabbed two water bottles out of my fridge. I tossed one to Andrea. She groaned as she opened it and took a long sip.

“I hate hangovers,” Andrea said.

“This isn’t so bad,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve had worse.”

My mind returned to thoughts of Michael. I remembered waking up beside him after his company Christmas party. My head was resting on his chest and, even though it was pounding from the alcohol, I had never felt more comfortable. Just being with Michael used to be enough, but now, I wasn’t sure.

“How are you feeling about everything?” Andrea asked. She sat up slowly with another groan.

I shrugged. “I’m fine, I guess.”

“Have you thought any more about calling him?” she asked.

I shook my head and turned away. Today was going to be a long day. My parents were expecting me at their place by lunch.

“Just think about it,” Andrea said. “I won’t push you anymore.”

“Thank you.” I smiled, but it didn’t quite reach my eyes.

“Are you heading home soon?” Andrea asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “My parents want me there for lunch. You?”

“I’ll see mine on Christmas morning,” Andrea said. “But I have to get back to Dallas for work. My shift starts in like two hours.”

“Damn.” I laughed. “Have fun with that.”

“Yeah, fuck you.” Andrea groaned again, but it quickly turned into a laugh.

It took us a while to get moving, but soon, we were both heading out the door. Andrea walked to her car with a giant cup of coffee in her hand. I waved goodbye and climbed into my car, happy to be alone for the short drive back to my parents’ house.

As much as Andrea helped the night before, I needed time to myself. It was hard to wrap my head around everything that had happened between me, Michael, and Joshua. Accepting that they were brothers was hard enough, but finding out that Michael had been lying all this time felt impossible. Even after two days, I still couldn’t make sense of it.

Luckily, I didn’t have long to dwell. When I pulled into my parents’ driveway, my sister ran outside to greet me. Layla was on her hip, bouncing around happily and waving her arms at me.

“Hey,” I said as I hurried over to them.

Bethany pulled me in for a tight hug while Layla played with my hair. I kissed my niece on the cheek before turning my attention to Bethany. She was watching me closely, a slight frown on her face.

“What’s the matter?” she asked immediately.

“Don’t.” I shot her a warning look as our mom and dad stepped outside. “Not now.”

Bethany nodded and stood aside while I said hello to our parents. They both hugged me and quickly ushered me inside. My dad took my suitcase upstairs to my old bedroom. I’d be staying for a couple of days, although I wasn’t sure that was the best idea.

Despite how excited I was to spend Christmas with my little niece, I didn’t know how well I’d be able to hold myself together. Michael stayed in the back of my mind throughout the entire day.

We ate lunch together as a family, laughing and catching up on life. Bryan wasn’t there yet, though he would be arriving later that night. He and Bethany agreed to spend Christmas with our parents this year because his parents lived out of town. Everything was nice. Normal. Calm. I tried to feel comfortable, but I couldn’t stop my emotions from creeping up on me.

While my mom cleared all the dishes, I just sat at the table and stared down at my hands. Bethany was watching me from the living room. She had Layla on her chest, rocking her slowly to sleep, but her eyes never left my face. I could feel her gaze the entire time.

Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I pushed away from the table, mumbled some excuse about being tired, and ran upstairs. I felt like a teenager again as I pulled my door closed behind me and fell onto my old bed. My head hit the pillow, and immediately, fresh tears sprung into my eyes.

I was getting impatient with myself. All this crying was pathetic. Not only was Michael not worth it, but I refused to be the kind of girl who fell apart every time a relationship didn’t work out.

Angrily, I shoved myself up off the bed and began to pace around the room. My head was spinning with thoughts of Michael, and my heart ached from missing him so much. But I refused to let the tears fall. I walked circles around my childhood bedroom until I was certain I could keep my emotions at bay.

Just when I thought I was ready to head back downstairs, the door slowly crept open and Bethany stepped inside. She smiled at me knowingly and sat down on the edge of my bed.

“Talk to me,” she said simply.

I sighed and sat down beside her. She waited patiently until I was ready to unload everything. When I first saw my sister outside, I didn’t want to tell her anything. I just wanted to keep the whole situation a secret. I wanted to bottle everything up and pretend like it didn’t exist until after Christmas. But now that we were alone, I couldn’t stop myself from spewing the entire story.

“Michael is Joshua’s brother,” I said bluntly.

Much like Andrea, Bethany assumed I was kidding. She was shocked. As I told her the rest of the story, she just shook her head from side to side in disbelief. It wasn’t until I was completely done talking that she finally found her voice.

“Well, damn,” Bethany said. “No wonder you look like hell.”

“Thanks,” I snapped.

“Hey,” Bethany said. “Don’t expect me to start lying to you now.”

“I know.” I groaned. “I feel like shit, Beth. I barely slept last night.”

“I can imagine,” Bethany said.

“Michael showed up at my place last night,” I said softly. “He just showed up with what I assume was my Christmas gift. He didn’t even know something was wrong until I told him about dinner with Joshua.”

“How did that end?” Bethany asked.

“With us both yelling,” I said. “Then, I kicked him out and spent the rest of the night drinking with Andrea.”

“Sounds healthy,” Bethany said with a laugh.

I laughed with her, feeling relief flood my body. I hadn’t laughed much lately. It felt amazing to let myself feel something other than confusion and pain.

“I’m sorry,” Bethany said. “You don’t deserve this. Any of it.”

“I just thought we had something real,” I said softly. “Michael and me, I mean. We connected so quickly, you know? It almost felt like…”

“Fate?” Bethany finished for me.

“As pathetic as that sounds,” I said. “Yes, it felt like fate.”

Bethany shrugged. “Well, maybe it was.”

“How?” I asked. “How could it be? After what he did?”

“He lied,” Bethany said with a nod. “But is that really the worst thing you can imagine?”

“It’s not the best,” I said darkly.

“Of course not,” Bethany said. “I’m just saying, Michael isn’t the devil, Julie. He lied because he didn’t know what else to do. He obviously cares about you.”

“I just feel like our entire relationship was built on a lie,” I said. “Like none of it was real.”

“Do you really believe that?” Bethany asked.

I hesitated. My immediate answer was ready and waiting on my lips, but it didn’t feel true. When I thought about all the time I’d spent with Michael, a warm feeling spread throughout my entire body. I could remember the way I felt the first time I saw him, how his dark blue eyes had drawn me in instantly. Our first kiss came flooding back to me, and my stomach clenched with desire at the mere memory.

More still, when I remembered the way Michael looked at me as we stood in front of that huge Christmas tree in the middle of the town square, I knew his feelings were real.

“I don’t know anymore,” I said, defeated.

“Just think about it,” Bethany said gently. “You want to be with him, Jules. It’s written all over your face.”

“Of course, I do,” I admitted. “But what does that matter now? It’s not like we can just snap our fingers and fix everything. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Doesn’t it?” Bethany smiled.

“Beth.”

“It’s a phone call, Julie,” Bethany said. “One phone call. You call him, you talk, and you go from there.”

“What if it doesn’t change anything? What if he tells me it was a setup for whatever fucked up reason he might have?” I asked her.

“I don’t think that’s it, Jules,” Bethany said confidently.

“What makes you say that?”

She shrugged. “Gut feeling.”

“Girls!” our mom’s voice called from downstairs. “Layla’s up from her nap!”

“Oh, crap.” Bethany groaned. “Already?”

“We should get down there anyway,” I said. “Mom wanted to bake cookies tonight.”

Bethany linked her arm with mine and led me out into the hall. We bounced our way downstairs just like we did as kids. After one conversation with my sister, I no longer felt like my world was crumbling around me. I felt stronger. More confident.

Still, I didn’t know what to do. My confusion was stronger than ever as I stepped into the kitchen. Mom had all the stuff ready to make cookies. We got to work while Andrea changed Layla and then brought her over to help us.

The four of us girls spent the rest of the evening baking and decorating cookies. We crowded around the kitchen table with icing and sprinkles scattered everywhere. Christmas music played in the background and, just like that, I was a kid again.

We all laughed and teased each other while we worked on the cookies. Layla giggled every time she snuck a bite of icing. Even my dad made his way over to help. It was amazing to just be in the moment with my family and let my problems disappear.

When I went to bed that night, I didn’t feel like crying. Michael’s face appeared in my mind, and I smiled to myself, remembering everything we’d done together. I replayed our conversations over and over again in my head. I could almost hear his voice. When I drifted off to sleep, my memories turned into dreams. I awoke the next morning flushed with desire and smiling.

It wasn’t until I realized I was only dreaming that the smile fell from my lips. I felt Michael’s absence stronger than ever, and I wondered if Bethany was right and I should call him.