CHAPTER 21

Julie

Michael tried to see me twice on Wednesday, but I just wasn’t ready. If I saw him, I knew I would tell him everything about my plan to see Joshua. I wouldn’t be able to keep it from him if we were in the same room. Deep down, I knew it was a mistake to hide this, but I didn’t know what else to do. If Michael insisted I not see Joshua, then what? Would I listen? Would I ignore him and do it anyway?

It was easier to just push Michael to the side for a couple of days. All I needed to do was get through this dinner with Joshua— just one more dinner—and then, everything could go back to normal between Michael and me.

As much as I told myself everything would be okay, I was still shaking from head to toe when I got behind the wheel of my car that night. Joshua wanted to meet in Dallas because of his residency schedule. I didn’t mind. The drive would help me clear my head and prepare me for seeing him again.

Still, when I parked my car outside of the restaurant, I didn’t get out right away. I clung to the steering wheel and took a few deep, calming breaths. My nerves were a mess and they had been for days. Nothing I did helped me calm down. I only hoped that, after talking to Joshua, I would feel somewhat better about our situation.

I planned to drive straight to Michael’s house after dinner. After I heard what Joshua had to say, I would tell Michael everything. I didn’t want any secrets between us, but I also knew I needed to deal with Joshua before things could progress with Michael.

With my hands still trembling, I shoved open my car door and made my way inside. I stuffed my hands into my coat pockets when I saw Joshua sitting at a table in the back. The last thing I needed was for him to see me shaking.

“Hey,” I said when I stepped up to the table.

“Hi.” Joshua smiled and jumped up quickly. He moved toward me as if he wanted a hug, but I sank into my chair before he could reach me.

I was willing to talk to him, but I wasn’t willing to hug him like nothing ever happened between us. Joshua’s face fell but he quickly recovered and sat back down. His smile was familiar and sweet. He looked like he was genuinely happy to see me, which was not what I’d been expecting. Not after all the ugly accusations he’d hurled at me the other night.

“Thank you for coming,” Joshua said. “I didn’t think you would.”

“Neither did I,” I said honestly. “But you said you wanted to talk.”

“I do,” Joshua said with a nod. “Let’s order first.”

“Okay.”

Our waiter came over a few minutes later. We ordered our food and then fell into an uncomfortable silence. Joshua stared at my face, barely looking anywhere else. My eyes scanned the room slowly. I found it hard to meet Joshua’s gaze.

“So,” I finally said. “Tell me. What did you want to talk about?”

“I still love you.”

Joshua’s confession was blunt and unapologetic. I jerked my head up and stared at him in disbelief. His dark blue eyes were the exact shape and color as Michael’s. I didn’t know how I’d missed it before.

“You’re not serious,” I scoffed.

“Of course, I am,” Joshua said. His voice was soft and gentle. He leaned forward, resting his hands on the table. “I still love you, and I think we made a huge mistake when we broke up.”

“You dumped me,” I said firmly. “We didn’t break up, Joshua. You dumped me without a second thought.”

“That’s not true,” Joshua said. “I was torn. Ending things with you was the hardest decision of my life.”

“Then, why did you do it?” I asked boldly. “If it was so damn hard, why do it at all?”

“Because…” he said, trailing off slowly. “I thought it was for the best. My life became so hectic and insane. With my residency starting, I just thought it would be better if I let you go.”

“That’s bullshit,” I said.

“It’s not,” Joshua said. “It’s the truth.”

“Well, it doesn’t work that way,” I said. I was so angry that my vision was blurry. “You can’t just come crawling back after I’ve moved on and expect me to jump at the chance to be with you again.”

“Moved on?” Joshua asked with a laugh. “You mean, my brother?”

“Look,” I said. “I’m sorry if it’s weird for you. Okay? It’s weird for me too. And for Michael. But I really like him.”

Joshua glared and sat back in his chair. All the kindness vanished from his face. Suddenly, he was the same Joshua I remembered. The same guy who broke my heart into a thousand pieces and then sent me on my way.

“You don’t even know him,” Joshua said.

“That’s not true,” I said. “We may have only known each other for a short time, but I do know him. We have a connection and—”

“A connection?” Joshua scoffed. “Julie, you and I have two years’ worth of history. We were in love. We practically lived together. We had a real relationship. You and Michael, you don’t have anything.”

“It’s new,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.”

“And you think he feels the same way?” Joshua asked. “You really believe he cares about you?”

“Yes,” I said firmly. “I do.”

Joshua shook his head and laughed darkly. He looked away from me as if he couldn’t stand the sight of me for another second. I thought about leaving, just standing up and walking outside, but I felt frozen in place. There was something about Joshua that sparked all my insecurities. With just one conversation, he already had me doubting myself.

Maybe he was right. Maybe things between Michael and me weren’t as serious as I believed. Maybe it was all just some casual fling. Maybe Michael never wanted anything real with me.

“I’m sorry if this hurts you,” I said. I was no longer angry, but I wasn’t going to cave. “But I like Michael and he likes me. We’re together, and you’re just going to have to get used to that.”

“I can’t believe you would sink this low,” Joshua said. He shook his head again and glared at me. I’d never seen so much anger in his eyes.

“What is so bad about what I did?” I asked. “I moved to Ennis, Joshua. And when I did, I met Michael. Where is the harm in that?”

“You’re dating my brother!” Joshua said. “After everything you and I went through together, you’re sleeping with my brother. That’s so fucked up, Julie.”

“I didn’t know who he was,” I said. My anger was beginning to come back. “You ended things with me, remember? You broke my heart. I left town to try and get over you. And you know what? It worked. I did. I got over you, and I moved on. I’m sorry that it just so happened to be with your brother.”

“You had to have known who he was,” Joshua said. “You did this just to get back at me.”

“No.” I shook my head. “Trust me. I never would have gone out with Michael if I knew who he was. But I didn’t know. And I did go out with him. And I don’t regret it.”

“Why the hell not?” Joshua asked. He was furious now. He wasn’t used to being told no, especially when it came to me.

“Because he’s amazing,” I said.

“You really had no idea who he was?” Joshua asked skeptically. “No clue?”

“How would I have known?” I asked, frustrated now. “You never let me meet him. Even after I helped you find him, you refused to let me be involved. I never even knew his name, Joshua.”

Joshua glared at me, trying to decide whether he believed me. He didn’t want to. It was easier for him to be angry if he thought I was being malicious.

“Well,” he said. “Michael sure as hell knew.”

I blinked. “What?”

“You may not have known who Michael was,” Joshua said slowly. “But he knew about you from the very beginning.”

Before I could even process his words, my head was shaking from side to side. He was wrong. There was no way Michael knew I was Joshua’s ex. It wasn’t possible. When we met, he was just a stranger in a café. I was just some girl he saw. He never knew I was connected to his brother. He couldn’t have.

“You’re lying,” I said boldly. “Michael told me he didn’t know who I was. After we had dinner with you, he said he didn’t know.”

“He lied to you,” Joshua said simply. “Michael’s known about you since he and I first met.”

“I don’t believe you,” I said.

“You don’t have to,” Joshua said. A satisfied grin spread across his face. I longed to reach across the table and slap him.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked weakly. “Because I said no? Because I’ve moved on? Because I’m happy without you?”

“No.” The smile fell from his face. “Because it’s the truth, Julie.”

“It’s not.” It couldn’t be. I refused to believe him.

“Look,” Joshua said. “When I said I still love you, I meant it. I love you, Julie. I always have, and I think I probably always will. Nothing can change that.”

“That doesn’t matter anymore,” I snapped. “Not to me.”

“Maybe not,” Joshua said. “But it means I wouldn’t lie to you. I just wouldn’t.”

I stared at him in disbelief. Why was he doing this to me? After he broke my heart, I spent so long just trying to crawl out of my hole. When I finally did, I felt stronger and more like myself. Meeting Michael was a breath of fresh air. It was like the universe had given me a gift. Now, Joshua was hellbent on taking that away from me.

“Michael wouldn’t lie to me,” I said weakly.

“He did.” Joshua’s voice was firm. “When he and I first met, I told him all about you. He knew your name, Julie. First and last. He even told me he looked you up on Facebook, so he knew what you looked like, long before you ever stepped foot in Ennis.”

I shook my head slowly. This was insane.

“No,” I said.

“I’m sorry,” Joshua said softly. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but you should know the truth.”

I couldn’t listen to another word. I jumped out of my chair, leaving my food untouched. Without looking back, I ran out of the restaurant and didn’t stop until I reached my car. I slid myself behind the wheel and cranked the engine. As I sped out of the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of Joshua hurrying outside. I didn’t slow down. I pressed harder on the gas and disappeared around the corner.

My heart was racing in my chest as I hurried toward home. I’d planned to go to Michael’s immediately after my dinner with Joshua. I wanted to see him, to talk to him, to kiss him. I just wanted to be with him without the memory of his brother hanging over our heads.

Instead, I knew I couldn’t see him. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

As much as I wanted to ignore Joshua’s words, I couldn’t. I knew Joshua almost as well as I knew myself. He wasn’t lying. He was telling me the truth.

My stomach churned painfully as I continued to race toward home. Just a few days ago, my life felt perfect. I had a job, a great house, and a great guy. Everything had finally fallen into place. Now, I couldn’t stop things from spinning out of control.