Evelyn
It smelled like flowers.
It looked like a field of flowers, too.
I was in a field of flowers.
A grateful smile formed on my face, one that I couldn’t contain. It was so beautiful, too good to be true. The place was colorful, so brilliantly decorated I could hardly believe it was a real. My eyes roamed the landscapes, small hills surrounded me, and the world’s most colorful butterflies flew throughout.
Birds chirped, and I could almost see the flower petals blooming by the second.
How the hell did I get here?
My heart, it felt happy…but it felt weird, a sense of sadness I couldn’t understand. My heart hurt, as if it was breaking. As if I was leaving someone behind…but why? I looked around, and though the place felt like home, I didn’t feel I belonged…and yet I didn’t want to leave.
I looked up; there was not a single cloud in the sky. It was as if the day had decided to be one of those days in which everything would be perfect.
It was magical.
Serene.
I smiled softly, looking at the distance where the sun seemed to reflect over water, a small lake, like the one by Nathan’s parents’ house. Why wasn’t he here with me?
I took a few steps, running my hands through my hair, the softness of it taking me by surprise. I wore a pretty little blue dress, too elegant for my taste, but I felt comfortable in it. It was fitting to the place I was in.
Peaceful.
Distracted by the landscape, I almost missed the child’s giggle that echoed around me. I frowned, taken aback. My feet followed the sound, my curiosity as always getting the best of me.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.
A beautiful little girl ran, chasing after butterflies, her curly hair bouncing up and down while she played. Her white dress made her look like a princess, and her laugh…it was precious. But even though she was so joyful, my heart ached…until she looked up at me.
Her eyes took my breath away.
A butterfly landed on her small hand, and she grinned, raising her hand to me. “The butterflies are my friends,” she proudly stated.
Her eyes sparkled innocently. Gray eyes.
Beauty many times comes from fallen ashes.
“Where’s your mommy?” I asked, dropping to my knees in front of her.
The little girl smiled. “I don’t know. I don’t think she’s ready to be here yet.”
My lip quivered. “Why are you here?”
“I’m an angel.” She shrugged. “I’m here until I’m born…but I haven’t been born yet. All I know is that my mom is tired, so I’m playing for a bit, until she decides what to do.”
I gulped. It couldn’t—
“Ah, Lily, go on and play.” A strangled gasp left my lips when I heard that voice, a voice I hadn’t heard in such a long time. I turned around, covering my mouth with my hand while I started to realize what was happening.
The woman smiled down at me, her hand cupping my cheek softly. “I’m so happy to see you again, my precious girl.”
“Nana,” I breathed, blinking past my tears. I didn’t dare move, didn’t dare breathe. She was there, in front of me. I could see her. I could feel her. Raising my hand, I covered hers over my cheek, closing my eyes when I realized this was real. Nana pulled me into her arms, embracing me with strength and love, surrounding me with peace.
Those comforting arms.
I cried into her shoulder, hugging her tightly because I didn’t want to let her go.
I’d let her go once already. I couldn’t do it again. “You’re with me, Nana,” I sobbed, hugging her tightly.
She pulled away, smiling warmly, but with sadness. “And you shouldn’t be here.”
“But I’m with you,” I said, wiping away my tears. “I’m finally with you and—”
She stopped me. “And if you’re with me, what does that mean?”
Nana paused, letting me draw my own conclusions. A chill surrounded me as I finally understood what was happening. “Am I dead?”
“Why are you here?” she asked again, squeezing my hand tightly, her eyebrows furrowing, lips tilting down. “You shouldn’t be here, Evelyn, not yet.”
“I remember fighting,” I said brokenly, the memories fuzzy. “And then I was tired, just so tired and—”
“And?”
With a shaky breath, I averted my gaze.
It was easier to stop.
It was easier to rest.
Now you’re here.
Now there’s no going back.
“That little girl…who is she?”
Nana smiled. “Oh, you know who she is.”
She placed an arm over my shoulder as she turned us around to face in the direction of the little girl who still played, this time barefoot on the grass, chasing after butterflies, giggling without stop.
Happy.
“She’s my daughter,” I said, my voice breaking. “She’s my baby.”
“She’s your baby,” Nana said proudly. “Looks just like you when you were that age, but those eyes…they’re all Nathan.”
I placed my hand over my chest when the same sense of sadness took over, this time more intense. My heart beat, but it was slow…weak.
“It hurts, doesn’t it?”
“A lot,” I admitted, wishing the pain away. It wouldn’t disappear, though; in fact, it grew and grew, to the point where it was getting harder to breathe. “Why does it hurt?”
“It’s their pain,” Nana said, holding my other hand, squeezing it in comfort. “It’s the pain of the people you’re leaving behind, the pain of those who love you. They are hurting, knowing that you are leaving them. They are hurting because they need you.”
“Why can I feel it?” I whimpered, holding on to my chest tightly. It was too much.
“Because leaving those who you love isn’t easy. It hurts. It’s heart wrenching. It’s a reminder that there are always people who care, always people who love you.”
I glanced up at her, unable to see her clearly with the tears clouding my vision. “But you left anyway.”
She hummed. “I did, but it was my time, darling. I’d lived a full life, I’d loved…I gave what I had to give. I was at peace. You aren’t yet. You were barely starting to live, barely going to form your family. You’re not ready. It’s not your time.”
“But Carter—”
Nana’s gaze softened. “I’m always there with you all…but you shouldn’t be here. Do you understand?”
I sniffled. The pain grew worse, and I sucked in a breath as my chest constricted even further.
I stood there with her, sobbing for a reason I couldn’t understand or didn’t want to understand. I didn’t know whether I was letting go or trying to hold on; I didn’t know what I was fighting for. I was happy to be with her, happy to see her, but it wasn’t right. No matter how much I wanted to be with her, I couldn’t stay.
“But since you’re here.” She smiled, brushing my hair back. “Let me tell you a couple of things.”
Her eyes glistened with tears. “I never meant to hide the truth from you,” she said, cupping my cheek. “I always thought I was doing the right thing, and truth be told, I didn’t think it mattered.”
“Why not?” Like tiny paper cuts scattered throughout my body, the reminder of the truth sliced through me. I wasn’t ready to talk about this.
“Because you’ve always been my little girl,” she stated simply. “I didn’t need blood for us to bond, didn’t need to tell the world that I’d taken you in. I just needed you. Perhaps your mother didn’t know how to love you, how to cherish you, but I always knew, darling. I never had a doubt in my mind or my heart that you were my little angel.” Her gaze was full of love when she said the following words: “I am so incredibly proud of you, Evelyn. So proud of who you are.”
“You are?”
“Oh, yes.” She nodded, a tear running down her cheek. “I’m proud of the strong woman you’ve become. I know I did something right while I was on earth.”
“I’ve needed to hear that so many times.”
“I know, but I am saying it now, and I want you to memorize it, Evelyn. You are my family; you are my granddaughter. By now, I know that you are aware that blood doesn’t make people family. It’s the connection they forge.” I nodded.
It was true. I had a large family to whom I wasn’t related by blood. I hugged Nana again, suppressing the slight ache that I felt, and settling instead with happiness. She loved me, and I loved her. She was my family.
“You can’t stay,” she whispered, still holding me tightly. “I can’t let you stay, Evie.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“Nathan, that boy…he’ll be lost without you. And you can’t leave Carter either…Hannah, she needs you more than ever now. If you leave them, Evelyn, they will never recover.” Cupping my face in her hands and with a tear rolling down her face, Nana smiled. “It’s your choice, darling.”
I swallowed, and though it hurt to admit, I knew what I had to do. “I need to go, Nana,” I said, looking up at her. She nodded, her expression full of pride.
“You are very wise, Evelyn.”
She took a deep breath and smiled a mother’s comforting smile before she turned to Lily and called her over. The little girl ran towards us, her eyes bright and innocent. Nana leaned down, whispering something in her ear that made her face morph into that of pure excitement. She jumped into my arms, hugging me tightly.
I laughed, hugging her just as tight, the contagious joy settling deep in my heart. “What was that for?”
She pulled away, kissing my cheek. “I’ll see you soon, Mommy.”
I tucked a curl behind her ear, smiling. “I’ll see you soon, okay, baby? Be good.”
“I’m always good.” She grinned, glancing up at Nana. “Nana always takes care of me.”
I believed her. She ran off again, and I stood face to face with Nana for the last time, except this time I knew. I knew what I didn’t the first time she left my life, and I did what I couldn’t do before and memorized her, memorized every second of our interaction, her loving gaze. She did the same silently, until it was time.
“Everyone has so much to offer in this life, Evelyn, and that includes you. Don’t let anyone dim your light, and don’t let the anything define you. Stand strong, and love without reserves. That’s what makes you who you are.” Her eyes glistened with tears, and this time it was I who caught one with my thumb.
“I love you, Nana…and I am who I am thanks to you,” I murmured, hoping she knew how grateful I was to her, for her.
With a small smile, she placed her hands on my shoulders. I etched the sound of her voice forever in my mind, knowing that it would be the memory I’d turn to if I ever needed it. “I love you, my sweet girl. Now go.”