Phoenix

 

That one question was enough to blow my self-control. She’s right. He is my best friend, but I’ve had my lingering suspicions about him. I saw the way his obsession ended last time. It ended with a dead body.

“He was obsessed with her. Her name was Sandy. He beat her. I thought it was some sort of fetish... I thought we were the same.” Jess gasps when I say that.

“What? You…you beat… women?” She inches away from me, but I shoot my hand out and capture her hip. Dragging her back into her place, I rub slow circles with my thumb.

“Not the way you’re thinking. Do I like to spank women during sex? Yes. Do I like tying them up, restraining them? I do… I like all kinds of dark things, but beating isn’t one of them. Jake likes to beat. That’s why he went to the club.” Her eyes fill with tears, and it makes me wonder what the hell she’s thinking.

“He was in a rage one night, right after Christmas. He beat her. Badly. I’d never seen his eyes like that. So cold and lifeless. He didn’t stop until she didn’t move. We cleaned it up. We moved on.” Tears fall silently down her cheeks as her mouth hangs open. She has something to say, I can see it.

“It was my fault. He killed her because of me,” she cries. Her tears turn to sobs that choke and shake her. I reach for her, pulling her into my chest, running my hand up and down her back. I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about, but it’s killing her. It’s ripping her apart.

“You didn’t do anything,” I reassure her. Jess pulls away, pushing up so she’s sitting. I follow her and do the same, crossing my legs in front of me. We sit face-to-face, a connection that’s undeniable.

“He came home drunk,” she says, her fingers running over a scar on her chest right over her heart. “He was mad. So… mad. He came into my room and pulled out his knife. He was rambling on and on about how much he loved me and needed me. He said that if I wouldn’t willingly give him my heart that he’d take it. He came after me. I tried to run. He caught me. He always caught me. He slid the knife down my chest. I screamed, Phoenix. I screamed, but he didn’t stop.” Sobs shake her once again. I reach for her, but she pushes me away, trying to calm herself. This is fucking ripping me up. The girl I fucking lusted after–maybe even loved for years–was hurt in ways that I can’t even imagine, and all under my fucking nose. I was in that house all the time! How the hell had I not seen it?

“The cut was deep. I knew it needed stitches, but after he fucked me every way he could, he found an old sewing needle and did it himself. I passed out from the pain, and when I woke up, he was lying on top of me. I shoved him off, and he lost it. He started all over again. He beat me pretty good that night after I told him he’d never have my heart. He left after that. I killed her, Phoenix. If I had just told him what he wanted to hear, she wouldn’t have died.” Whether she likes it or not, I drag her body into mine. What the hell has happened to her that she hasn’t told me? What kind of sick fucking bastard is Jake? I thought I knew him. I thought we were brothers, but I can tell by the look in her eyes that Jess isn’t lying to me. I left her to that. I left her there.

“I’m so sorry, Jess. I didn’t know. I swear to God, I didn’t know.” Rocking her in my arms, I can’t let her go. I can’t do this. What fucking kind of person am I that I didn’t see this happening to her?

“I wished for you. I wished that you would come and save me… but you never did.” She cries harder. I hold her tighter, rocking faster. I am a sick bastard. I let that happen. I wasn’t smart enough to see what Jake was doing right under my fucking nose. He was abusing her, raping her, and could have killed her, and that’s all my goddamn fault.

“He will never touch you again, Jess,” I whisper in her hair. She pulls back, her red-rimmed swollen eyes peering up at me, so fucking haunted and ruined.

“You believe me?” she asks, confused. I get why she’d feel that way. I thought I knew Jake better than I knew myself. I was wrong.

“I believe you, Jess, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it sooner. I’m sorry that you had to go through that.” She shakes her head, wiping her tears quickly.

“I liked it.”

“What?” I shift back a little and glare at her.

“Not that he hurt me but when he’d do things to me, I would come. I’m as sick as he is. I liked when he’d finger me. I liked when all I saw was the finish line. You shouldn’t have touched me, Phoenix. I’m as sick as he is,” she admits. The look in her eyes is killing me. She’s so fucking lost, and that bastard made her believe she was sick for what her body couldn’t push away.

“You aren’t sick, Jess. You can’t control the way your body responds. It’s a normal reaction,” I assure her.

“It’s not! Who comes when they are forced into sex?” she snaps. I hate that she’s hurt. I hate that he made her do what he did.

“Jess… Do you love him?” Her body tenses under my hold. My heart hammers in my chest. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. She isn’t mine to have, but she is.

“Not like you think. I don’t even know what I feel anymore; he’s taken all that away from me.” She nuzzles her face into my neck. My heart wants to explode from my chest. It wants to climb out of me and wrap around her, holding as tightly as possible, showing her that it’s ok to have feelings. That it’s ok to feel something. I swallow hard before I ask the question that has burned the back of my throat since the day I first saw her as a woman.

“Do you love me, Jess?” My chest squeezes as I wait for an answer.

“You left me there every time. I watched you go, and it tore my heart out. I wanted you to see through the mask Jake placed on his face when you were around. I prayed that you would take me with you–but you never did. It killed me to see you go because I knew what would happen next.” Holding her tighter, I feel like such a fucking failure.

“God, Jessica. I’m so goddamn sorry. I was so wrapped up in the business and myself. I didn’t fucking see what was right in front of my face,” I growl. I hold Jess in my arms and rock her softly.

“To answer your question...” I can feel her breath tickling my skin before swallowing hard. “I do love you, Phoenix.” Protectiveness swells in my chest. Love for her fills me with the fuel I need to move forward and fix all of this. Hate sparks the fire in my soul.

“I’ll think of something… I don’t know what yet, but I’ll figure it out,” I mumble into her hair. Jess leans back, her shimmering eyes staring deep into my soul.

“Kiss me, Phoenix. Make it all go away.” Her voice pleads with me. I want to take her and fuck her into oblivion, but I can’t. She’s hurting, and I can’t be the one to hurt her worse. I lean in, trying to control every raging thought that races through my mind. Pressing my lips to hers, everything else slowly fades. The outside world isn’t there, it’s just her and me, the way I’ve always dreamt. Just her, wrapped around me in perfection. Jess shifts in my lap, scooting so that she’s straddling me. She lowers her naked pussy down to my raging hard-on.

“I need to feel you, Phoenix. I need you to give me all of you.” She leans in, kissing me again, and I lose it. I’ve fought for control of my body. I’ve fought for control of my mind–but I can’t stop this time. I don’t want to hurt her–but I can feel it inching its way into me.