Jessica

 

Stupid! How could you be so damn stupid! The little voice in the back of my mind keeps asking the same question over and over again. It’s the truth though. I was stupid. I heard Phoenix pull up and I knew if I was going to run and get out of this house before things got any worse, it would have to be when Jake was busy. I was wrong. As soon as I rushed out the door, Jake heard me. He called to me, but I didn’t stop; not until I slammed into a brick wall of a person named Phoenix. His grip was hard, yet gentle at the same time. He held me there, close to him, like he never wanted to let me go–but as always Jake won.

My bedroom door flies open, revealing the monster that is Jake. His hand tightens around the belt that he had me hanging from earlier. My eyes flash between him and the long, unyielding leather.

Deep breath in… and out. In… and out.

I repeat that to myself, hoping like hell that Phoenix didn’t leave yet; that he will walk in and see what Jake is about to do to me. I don’t know why I feel like he’s my savior. He isn’t. No one is.

“Where the hell did you think you were going?” His voice is hard and angry. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have tried to run. So stupid of me.

“Jake!” I hear David call out to him. My eyes widen as I think he’s about to get caught.

“What?” Jake snaps back.

“You need to keep your property under control! She can’t be running out of the house that way in this neighborhood!” David’s words send a chill up my spine. I’ve never heard him address me as Jake’s property before. Jake’s eyes land on mine, a smirk crossing his face.

“Oh, I have it handled,” he says, “Now, tell me what the fuck you think you were doing?”

“I just needed some air,” I mumble under my breath, praying that he will let it go. I’m a grown woman for God’s sake! Why do I let them hold me down like this? The thought has occurred to me more than once. Why I don’t run. Why I don’t get away from it all. But when it comes down to it, Jake knows my feelings for Phoenix. He may not truly understand them, but he knows what I feel.

“Clinging to the person that you want, huh? He doesn’t want you, Jess. You disgust him. He knows you fuck me. Do you really think he would want you after you fucked your brother?” His words sting my heart like a thousand bees. A piercing pain ricochets in my chest. Jake walks slowly toward me, that belt hanging in the most taunting of ways. My heart speeds up when his hand comes to my cheek. Holding tightly, he pulls me until I’m standing, his sky-blue eyes burning into my much darker ones.

“No one wants you, Jessica. Not Phoenix. Not your mom. No one but me. Do you understand that?” I want to shake my head no. I want to spit in his face and tell him he’s a liar but what good would that do me? My mom used to love me. At one point I thought she still did, but the more I saw her with David, the less I believed that. She did hate me. She blamed me for my father leaving her. She blamed me for the fights between her and David when I truly had nothing to do with them. Jake was right. No one wanted me. Except him. And that wasn’t an option for me.

“Still fighting it, are you?” His question pulls me quickly out of my own thoughts and back into the real world where I stand before a monster.

“I’m not fighting, Jake.” Trying to hold my head high when all I feel is worthless is hard.

“Yes, you are.” He grits his teeth just as the unmistakable sound of the leather whipping through the air sounds next to me. I close my eyes and await the impending pain. And there it is. Hit after hit, I take it all while biting my bottom lip. I can taste the blood on my tongue, but it will be nothing compared to the welts and bruises that Jake litters over my body.

When the pain begins to be too much, I let myself fall to the floor in a heap of uselessness. That is what I am. Useless. Not for Jake though. For him, I’m a sex toy. I’m a punching bag, an item to be used when the urge strikes him. I crumble and curl into a protective ball. I know it will make him angry. Maybe that’s why I do it; to elicit some emotion from him. I don’t know why I need it, but I do. Any emotion. There is no love here. There is only hate and anger, and when Jake isn’t hurting me, I’m hurting myself just to get a taste of that emotion.

A few more snaps and Jake drops the belt near my head, his body looming over me. I want to look up and see the monster in his eyes, but I’m afraid of what the punishment would be if I did. Slowly, he drops to the floor next to me, his fingers combing through my hair.

“You always bring out the worst in me, Jess. Why can’t you just take what we are for what it is? Don’t you know how much I love you? If only you’d realize that, we could move on from this. We could be together, be happy.” His words are meant to soothe me, but the underlying message is loud and clear.

Be a good girl, Jessica, and give him whatever he wants. You could end this pain.

Nagging little voice. She’s naïve if she believes that. At one point, I believed it too. Jake will never stop, and I will never give in to him. He will break me over and over, and I’ll slowly put myself back together. Letting him ruin me isn’t an option. Maybe one day I will come to my senses and stop this madness, but today, I don’t have the strength. Today I’m fighting to live another day and take another breath.

“I love you, Jessica.” His words swim in the pit of my stomach like the worst acid. It burns, and it rips its way through me, but there is nothing I can do to stop it. This is the world I live in. He doesn’t love me. He loves the way he can use me and manipulate me into getting his way. He loves that he can hold my mother’s life over my head, knowing that I would never let harm come to her regardless of how badly she treats me. It’s a never-ending cycle.

“I hate you, Jake. I hate you. I hate you. I. Hate. You.” That was the last straw for him. I’d broken into that façade that he holds in place. I’d broken through the good guy mask he portrays to everyone but me. I know what lurks beneath it. I’ve seen it. Touched it. Grasped it in my hands. Why I want to taunt it is beyond me.

I will never understand why I can’t keep my fucking mouth shut and just do as he wants.  I guess because there’s a rebellious streak in me, a part that wants to push him to his limits just to see how far he’s willing to go.

“You are making a huge mistake to talk to me that way.” His breath dances over my cheek as he whispers softly to me. My stomach cramps, the realization of what I’d just done settling somewhere inside of me.  Jake moves quickly. Grabbing a handful of my hair, he jerks me to my feet. I yelp as the force jerks my neck in an uncomfortable way. He holds me in front of him like a piece of trash; like a broken toy that he’s about to toss out. The evil smirk and the flicker in his eyes embed itself into me as he pulls his fist back. The first hit is always the worst. It steals your breath, robs you of air. The second is the one that numbs you to anything else he may do–but it’s the third that is the sweetest. The third hit is the one that sends me plunging into the darkness that I crave, to the spot that holds no pain or fear.  That is where I hide, where I never cower.