Jessica

 

Sleep always seems to avoid me. It’s like I have the plague. When I do sleep, dreams torment me. Each scar on my body is a reminder of the life I now live. Each one reminds me that I was nothing and will always be nothing. Fear isn’t uncommon for me anymore. Jake didn’t come home earlier, and I was thankful for that. My mom talked to me for all of thirty seconds. That was a dramatic change from the usual. I suppose it’s because David had gone out to a business meeting and she was lonely. I honestly couldn’t say why she spoke to me. It wasn’t much. A few passing words and she asked if I was eating ok. No, I’m not, but I didn’t tell her that. She doesn’t know what happens behind her own doors and frankly, I want to keep it that way.

As I lie here and let my eyes slowly flutter closed the dreams come again. This one isn’t so bad. It’s me when I was younger, sitting in the pew at church. The pastor is speaking of sins and the harm they do. I don’t listen as I should because I am so young. I didn’t want to be there. Had I known that I would become one of the sinners that he spoke about perhaps I would have paid better attention? Or maybe I wouldn’t have become a sinner at all. Maybe I could have run and found the courage to tell someone what happened to me for several years of my life but what good would that have done? No one believes me; they bow down to Jake. My dream slowly takes a turn as the pastor becomes fuzzy. His voice changes and morphs into something so sinister that I try to stand from my seat as fear eats its way through me. It does me no good; I can’t control my dreams.

“Once a sinner, always a sinner. You are a sinner, baby. You like when I make you wet. You like it when I make you scream.” The pastor that was once there is now gone, replaced with Jake. His cruel words seep into my being as I stand from my seat. He watches me, the way a hunter watches his prey. A shiver runs up my spine as he descends the steps and walks toward me. Everything inside of me is telling me to run, but I’m frozen with fear. Fear of him and what he will do to me.

“You forget who you belong to, Jessica.” His eyes are as red as the devils. He is the devil. I open my mouth to speak, but my words are cut short when his hand wraps around my throat and squeezes. I hit and claw at him just the same as I do when I’m awake. I can’t get enough air into my lungs, and it burns so badly.

“You’re always going to be mine. It doesn’t matter if I throw you away, no one will ever be able to erase what I’ve done to you.” As he squeezes harder, my vision begins to blur at the edges. I try to gasp for air–try to scream–but I can’t. Suddenly my eyes pop open and I’m in my room. I’m safe. I’m no longer in my dream. I sigh as I roll to my side. As soon as I do, my heart nearly leaps out of my chest. The air is once again sucked from my lungs as Jake is sitting on his knees, on the floor next to my bed, watching me. He has his shirt off, his muscles covered in sweat as if he just went for a run. He cocks his head to the side, watching me intently.

“What are you doing in here?” I ask him. His lips tip at the corners, but he doesn’t move. He stays in his spot, watching me.

“Have a bad dream?” he asks. My heart begins to thump rapidly in my chest. I feel lightheaded. How can he do this to me with just a glare? Why can’t I fight this?

“Get out, or I’ll scream,” I warn him. Jake chuckles before scooting closer to my bed. Once he’s right next to me, he reaches out his hand. I naturally flinch away from him, which only serves to make him angrier. Jake grabs a handful of my hair, jerking my head back to face him. His eyes dance with hunger and violence that I know too well.

“Someone has been trying to get me in trouble with Dad. Do you know who that could be?” he asks, his voice dripping with sureness. My heart tangles in my chest, tripping over itself before it nearly falls to the floor in front of me.

“No,” I whisper. Jake yanks my hair harder, causing my scalp to burn from the pain. I wince but quickly pull my mask back into place. He can’t beat me all the time. I have to learn to fight back.

“No? That’s what you’re going with? Just… no? The thing is, Dad doesn’t know either, and now he’s trying to get me to stop being who I am.” My insides tremble. He doesn’t know who the hell his son is and if he does, he doesn’t care. At least not when it comes to me. I don’t open my mouth to say another word. I can’t possibly calm him right now. His free hand comes up to rest on the mattress for a split second before he has my breast wrapped tightly in his hand. The way he squeezes and pinches, my insides catch fire.

“You like when I hurt you, don’t you Jess.” It wasn’t a question because he already knows the answer to it. I’m a sinner. I’ve been a sinner since the day I let him touch me, the day I found myself wet from him touching me and the day I came for him and only him.

“You remember,” he says, as if he could read my mind. My stomach rolls as I swallow hard.

“Leave me alone, Jake.” I grit my teeth, trying to consume just a fraction of the power he holds. If I could just grab onto a piece, I could wield it against him.

“Leave me alone, Jake.” He mimics me. His eyes dance over my face as a tear leaks down my cheek.

“You cry for me. You cry for me to stop. You cry for me to start. You cry for me to make you come. You love me, don’t you, Jess?” His fingers squeeze my breast harder, this time causing me to gasp from the pain. Jake nods before he releases me and stands to pull his sweatpants off. I’m torn between watching and scooting away, although either choice is wrong. If I watch, he will know how wet I am, and that part makes me ashamed, but if I scoot away, he will hurt me worse.

“You like watching me. I know you do. You’re a filthy slut,” he rumbles before grabbing his dick and stroking it. The more I see it, the hotter the room becomes. Am I seriously a bad person? Is this really what I’ve become? Shaking my head, I decide to go with the moving route. I sit up quickly and back away from him. His lips curve into a smile only a maniac could provide. My stomach clenches as more tears run down my cheeks. Jake’s head lolls to the side as he studies me, watching me, becoming me. He’s smart. He knows my next move before I ever make it, so it’s no surprise when I try to fake a move to the left and back to the right that he’s there with his hand around my throat. His right hand collides with the side of my head as my vision blurs once again. Jake lifts my body effortlessly and slams me back onto the bed roughly. Removing his hand from my throat, I catch my breath as he moves to reach something on the side table. Next, he climbs over my legs, startling me. My legs are pinned by his body as he slides the metal ring off his finger. He holds it up and examines it in the moonlight that shines through my window.

“You always make things difficult, Jess. I don’t know why you want everything to be so hard. You know, I was talking to Phoenix earlier about running away and starting over.” Oh God, please let him go. Please, I beg you. Jake looks down into my eyes and laughs as he raises his eyebrows.

“You thought I’d leave you behind? How stupid are you?” He laughs louder as every hope I had vanished. I try to move and wiggle out from under him when he grabs something else. Flicking it in his hand, I stop my fight instantly. His pocket knife is a cold piece of metal that I’ve become very accustomed to.

“Do you know how beautiful you look with my marks on you? How hard it makes me? Fuck, Jess. You turn me on by doing some of the stupidest shit.” Setting the knife on my chest, I try to control my breathing. Jake brings the lighter up in one hand and his ring in the other. Heating the ring up, my body trembles.

“Please, Jake. Let me blow you.” My voice comes out so unsure and shaky. Jake doesn’t even glance down at me until the ring is glowing in his fingers.

“Let’s see. Where should we put this?” he questions the air.

“Please, Jake. Don’t do that. Please.” Panic begins to set in, and I shake uncontrollably beneath him.

“Now is not the time to beg. Now is the time to scream.” Bringing the ring down, he places it on my chest. The unmistakable smell of burning flesh hits my nose as I scream in pain. The searing heat is almost too much to handle. I scream until my lungs burn and scream along as well. They scream for oxygen while I scream for freedom; however, neither of them wins.

Jake pulls the ring away as I cry uncontrollably. He grabs the knife and flips it around in his fingers before bringing it to my throat.

“I wish I could hate you. I wish I could take your life and wash my hands of you, but I can’t. Do you know how many times I’ve put little things here and there in your food?” he asks me, his eyes dancing with mine. What? He poisoned me?

“I see you remembering all the times you were sick.” Bile races up my throat before it spews from my lips. Jake slaps me across the face before scooping some into his hand.

“You make me sick to even look at you, but I can’t let you go. Why the fuck do you do that to me? Huh? Why do I fucking love you so much?” He screams at me before shoving the vomit into my mouth. I heave again, but he drops the knife on my stomach, the blade nicking my skin. His hand comes up to my face, one hand holding my mouth closed, one pinching my nose. I can’t breathe or open my mouth. Panic darts around my body as I slowly try to fight. Jake releases me after what seems like forever before standing up. He grabs the knife and my wrist and yanks me from the bed. My heart and body are panicked and weak.

“Shower.” He grinds his teeth in my ear. I tell myself repeatedly to put one foot in front of the other and get into my en-suite bathroom. My legs tremble as I walk toward it, a sense of peace surrounding me, but then it all changes and Jake is there once again. I sigh in defeat as he grabs the back of my hair and yanks me to a stop.

“Did you think I was done with you whore?” His laughter makes my stomach clench and a new wave of nausea wash over me. With a push forward, I step into the bathroom just as Jake shoves me forward once more. My body collides with the tub, no doubt bruising my ribs. It won’t be the first time. He hovers behind me, the blade trailing down my back until it breaks skin. Each slice rips through my skin. Each cut is deeper than the last, and with each one, I scream and cry until I hear the blade hit the floor. Jake’s hands yank my hips back right before his dick thrusts into me. I cry out from the pain, but as he always told me, no one came to check. No one came to see what the hell was happening to me because no one cares. Thrust after thrust, he takes what he wants from me. Normally I might enjoy it or at least get some satisfaction out of it but not this time. This time there is too much pain and too many things running around in my head. He said he was going to take me away, take me somewhere no one would find me. I believe him because Jake isn’t a liar. He may be a monster, but he has never lied to me. He tells stories as he calls them to keep himself safe and I understand that. I do… but when he tells me he will do something, Jake doesn’t lie.