Roy

 

Miles vanished under our feet as we plowed uphill through the thick snow. I was tireless, led by the burn of anger at what I’d just witnessed. Even Seng was having trouble keeping up with me and I impatiently waited at the next outcropping, surveying the tracks with narrowed eyes.

It was not getting away this time.

Three hours later, however, I had to admit the obvious. Defeat. It had gotten away and it was now nearing midnight. We were miles from the Cantina on a trail long gone cold.

Frustrated, I let out a snarl and swiped at a tree, liking the feeling of wood torn like butter through my claws. And as we trudged home, I realized the anger hadn’t left me. I was still pissed.

Kesari, what were you thinking? I wanted to scream.

When Fortune and Wrexler had reported she’d vanished from the lab, I hadn’t been too concerned at first. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It was easy to see she'd snuck out the window, though I had no idea why.

Trying to keep calm, we'd fanned out and I was walking around the edge of the Cantina when I saw a blur of a figure leaping across the moon.

And then the snarling shadow slamming into it.

Once again, by sheer luck and timing, I’d managed to snatch Kesari from its jaws by seconds.

My lip curled. Of course, then, even after I saved her – she had to go and attack it. It had just slammed me hard and I was trying to get my bearings when I saw the paw crushing her neck.

Her feeble movements at trying to escape. Muscles leaden, I'd thrown myself at it, dragging it away and then, thankfully, it was outnumbered as the rest of the SOA guard descended.

And once again it ran, getting away and making fools of us.

Shifting back as we got into sight of the Cantina, I said a curt good night and threw myself onto a snowmobile, zipping through the woods. We’d had some mechanical trouble with these lately and I was relieved when mine didn’t act up.

At the house, I encountered Fortune and Wrexler sitting outside and looking exhausted.

“Go home. Rest,” I said tersely.

“Sorry, boss,” Fortune mumbled as they got to their feet.

"Not your fault," I said grimly, even though I wanted to chew them out anyway. Inside, Obi was reading a book at the table and Kesari was nowhere to be seen. “Where is she?”

Obi pointed to her door and I nodded tightly. He gave me a searching look, then said, “Maybe you should leave that conversation for the morning or at least after your shower, boss.”

I was about to make a sharp retort, but I bit it back and nodded again.

After Obi left, I glanced at Rurik and asked, “She asleep?”

I don’t know. She was pretty shaken when she got home, but Lev says she’s fine.

Taking a breath, I went and took a shower, then got ready for bed. I was hoping by then I'd be less angry, but if anything, my rage had risen a few levels.

And part of it was because I was starving. I hadn’t had dinner yet, as I’d planned on eating that with Kesari before she decided to go for a jaunt through the woods and get attacked.

I was about to dig into my dinner when Kesari’s door opened and she appeared, stopping at the sight of me. Twisting her hands into her hair, she said, “I just – I needed a glass of water.”

Don’t say anything, I told myself sternly.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, appearing at my elbow and gazing at me. “You’ve got a bad bruise on your forehead. Do you want something for it? A little healing?”

I looked at her and I could feel my face tightening as I saw her bruised neck, the pink lines from the claws and I let out a shaky breath.

“No, I’m not okay,” I said. “And, yes, I want something.”

Kesari looked worried. “What?”

“I want for you to stop making my job so damn hard, Kesari!” I exploded, standing up and knocking the stool over. “What the hell were you thinking tonight? Sneaking out on your guards? You are so reckless, I cannot–” I gasped for air. “Are you insane? Or trying to kill me?”

“I didn’t sneak out – I needed fresh air,” Kesari said, backing up. “I was frustrated and–”

“Never mind me, do you know what kind of hell you put Fortune and Wrexler through? Just stop – stop forgetting you need to have them or me with you. It’s childish and selfish!”

“I didn’t–” Kesari protested.

“You did not think,” I interrupted. “I know. For someone as brilliant as you are, sometimes the moments you decide to turn your brain off truly astound me. Do you have a death wish?”

“Well maybe if I had the whole story, I would have been more careful,” Kesari replied coldly.

“What?” I asked, as my stomach clenched. No. She can’t know. Please tell me…

“That hybrid-thing – it knew me, Roy. It was after me. It was the same hybrid that showed up the first time and here I thought it was Hale Hunter.” She was glaring at me and I was trying to school my features. “That’s what you lead me to believe – that he wasn’t lucid and attacked. But you lied! There’s another hybrid running around. A far more dangerous one.”

Great. Just great, I thought, as I said stiffly, “It was on a need to know basis.”

She took a step back, hurt in her eyes. “I-I – you knew? You knew there was a second hybrid who was after me and you decided not to say anything? What happened to us being partners? What happened to our contract? Was that just for show?”

I didn’t answer.

Kesari turned, walking away and I hesitated before following her.

Catching her arm, I turned her to face me and growled, “It was to keep you safe.”

“Look how well that worked out,” she shot back, jerking free and glaring up at me.

“Hell, Kesari, I didn’t think after the first time it happened you needed to be told to watch your back. Told to be cautious and careful,” I snarled sarcastically, my head and heart pounding. “I mean you only have me as a bodyguard, or Finni or Fortune and Wrexler around all the damn time.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry you’re stuck with me, Roy,” Kesari said, eyes bright.

“So am I.” The words were out before I realized it and I sucked in a breath as she jerked away from me, pressing herself flat against the wall and glaring at the floor. “Kesari, no, I didn’t mean that.” I wished I’d listened to Obi. “I did not – I’m sorry, I’m upset and starving. You know how I get,” I said lamely. “I didn’t mean it…”

"You did mean it," Kesari said in a low voice. “At least admit that much.”

Placing my hands on either side of her head, I leaned in and said, “I did not.” She didn’t flinch or look up. “Kesari, I swear I did not. I’m upset and I apologize for saying that.”

“Just leave me alone,” she said, still not looking up at me.

“I will not. I cannot,” I said harshly. “And not just because it’s my job, but because-because–” I trailed off with a frustrated noise.

“Because why, Roy?” Kesari demanded, her head flying up and hazel eyes meeting mine.

That’s why.

For a moment, I groped after words helplessly, then I slowly said, “I won’t lie and say I’m not furious with you, but I did not mean it. I am sorry, though. I should not have said that. No matter how hungry I am.” She didn’t look up or laugh. “I’m sorry.” Pulling her away from the wall, I crushed her against me. “I am so sorry. It was a lie. I wanted to make you mad because I was scared for you, Kesari. I wanted you to understand that, but I did it in a terrible and manipulative way.”

“I don’t believe you,” Kesari said in a muffled voice, trying to push me away.

"We chased that thing for hours," I said slowly. "I knew it was fruitless and I kept going because I hate that you are not safe. I am afraid in some split second or a moment when my guard is down, something is going to happen to you.” She was silent and I murmured, “And then it did.”

Kesari went boneless against me and her arms looped around my torso. “Oh.”

“Do you believe me now?” I asked. “Do you forgive me?”

“Yes,” Kesari said. “Although now I think it might be a case of you forgiving me. I’m sorry.”

“I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” I whispered into her hair. “But please, Kesari, you have to be more careful. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you.”

“Everybody’s gotta go sometime,” she rejoined, sounding more like herself and I let out an angry huff. Her entire body vibrated with laughter and she said, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

“You’re going to pay for that, Iyer,” I murmured.

“You’re right, though. I didn’t want to admit I keep messing up. I did forget about the bodyguards – about everything. I was so in my own head…” She let out a bitter laugh. “That should be my theme song, warning all those who come into contact. Behold, the screw-up.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” I growled protectively, arms tightening. “You’re not a screw-up.”

“I've been working on the same stupid vial for two days and I'm not close to solving it."

“Is that why you snuck out the window?” I asked, half-amused, half-exasperated.

“Maybe.”

“Kesari,” I groaned. “Just like with training – you’re so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be perfect or solve everything in the fastest time possible. Learning everything instantly and be an expert at it. These things take time. Besides all that, you’re still one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever met.”

“I’m okay,” Kesari muttered back.

“Who figured out the formula to stabilize Hunter?” I demanded. She was silent. “Who’s been churning through deconstructing the compounds?” Still no answer. “Who saved my life?”

“But that was my fa–”

“That was not your fault,” I said, wanting to shake this girl. “If anything, it was mine.”

“Roy!” Kesari said in stern protest, pulling back and glaring at me.

“See?” I retorted. “Now you know how I felt.”

My stomach growled and Kesari gave me a small grin. “You do get grumpy when you’re hungry.” She pulled back further, hiding her gaze under long lashes and I reluctantly let her go.

“You want something to eat?” I asked, locking my fists at my sides as I looked at her.

“Sure,” she said, moving around me.

In a few minutes, everything seemed back to normal, but I couldn’t help noticing Kesari was fidgeting more. Biting her lip, playing with her hair and tapping her foot. I wasn’t sure what that was about, but then I realized I was tapping my foot and messing with my hair as well.

 

Hours later, in my own bed, I twisted among the blankets and stared up at the ceiling. For the last few weeks, I’d been telling myself to think nothing of the relationship between me and Kesari. Simply because there was nothing to think about.

Even if sometimes it was odd and a little intense. But I was sure it was the close quarters. The life and death events. The cold.

If anything, it was nice to have a girl like her by my side, especially a good friend.

Friend.

Is that why I could still feel the way she’d felt against me? The softness of her hair under my fingers? And the soft rise and fall of her chest?

It’s nothing, I told myself. You’re exhausted and overtired. You’re losing it.

Why could I still smell her then? Rolling over, I buried my face in the pillow and bit it, groaning out my frustration. When had I even allowed myself to become friends with her? Wasn’t I going to ignore her? And when it had become working with her, training her, and laughing with her?

Embracing her and worrying about her?

Noticing how pouty her bottom lip could become. How bitable. I put my hands over my face. A sigh escaped me now and I flopped onto my back. The way her eyes flashed gold when she was delighted or angry, green when she was sad or serious. Her long, slender legs in yoga leggings.

Brain too exhausted to keep it back, I let those images wash over me. Kesari bouncing into the kitchen, on the hunt for her third cup of coffee. Kesari perched on a chair in the office, rattling off who knows what. Kesari, flat on her back in the basement, her face twisted in cute frustration.

Kesari, lying in the snow, gasping for air.

Squeezing my eyes shut tighter, I willed sleep to come for me.

 

Stirring, I tilted my head up to the window over the bed and saw the pale gray sky of dawn. Rising up on my elbows, I blinked and my mouth went dry. Kesari was sitting on the edge of my bed, wrapped in a towel and watching me.

“Kes, what are you doing?" I asked. My heart was thudding in my chest. Her wet hair fell around her face as she leaned in and I saw a drop of water trail down her arm. "Kesari?”

Her hand landed on my bare chest above my heart and her fingers stretched out. “Looking… Just looking.”

“Huh?” I asked, bewildered and overwhelmed. She’d stopped and was staring down at me. “Please tell me what you are doing,” I said weakly. “I don’t know if I can…”

My hand rose and pushed through her wet hair, strands dancing between my fingers as a breath shook from my lips. She pressed her cheek into the base of my hand and her eyes closed.

I sat up, lifting my other hand, but she drew back and I couldn’t catch her.

"Nothing there," she said, giving me a backward glance and a cold smile as she left the room.

“Kesari!” I yelled after her, trying to get up and chase her, but I couldn’t. I was trapped. “Of course there is! You are!” It burst from me and I stopped. “You are…”

Scrambling up, my chest cold and empty, pierced with pain, I tried to leave the room but everything was becoming incandescent and blurred at the same time.

“You are, Kesari," I said.

 

“Kesari?” I heard myself say as I sat up in bed. The light was bright in my room and I blinked, forcing myself to wake up. My jaw and neck were aching and tight, probably from clenching them all night, and my heart was racing. It was only a dream.

A dream where Kesari had been in a towel. Looking down at my right hand, I swore I could still feel her wet hair. Smell her soap and warm skin.

At that moment, I realized I was also stiff between my legs, but before I could acknowledge it, there was a knock on the door and it was opening.

Grabbing a pillow, I placed it on my lap and leaned on it as Kesari came in.

“Oh, you are awake!” She was carrying a tray and smiling, her hair in a small ponytail, with wisps escaping and framing her face. “I thought I heard my name earlier. Did you call me?”

I was accepting the tray and trying to place it on the fat pillow without being obvious, so it took me a second to respond. “Did I what? Oh, no.”

“Here,” Kesari said, tugging the pillow away and the tray landed on my lap. I hid the wince with a smile at her.

“Thank you,” I said. “You honestly did not have to do this, Kesari.” Really.

“It was my pleasure,” Kesari was beaming and sat down on the edge of my bed.

I froze and stared at her. It was uncannily like my dream, minus the towel. Clearing my throat, I picked up the fork and stabbed a berry. “Hey, you didn’t come in here earlier, did you?”

“No,” Kesari said. “I was cooking. Why?”

“Nothing,” I muttered, beginning to eat rapidly. “Weird dream.”

“A dream about me?” she asked, eyes dancing.

“No,” I burst out. “The door and the room, it wasn’t you. No.”

“Okay,” Kesari said, raising an eyebrow. “Well, I’m gonna go get ready.”

“Thanks again,” I said.

Left alone, I found myself gripped by panic coupled with pure terror. I had to fight this, I had to set myself rules and focus on being friends only. This couldn’t happen.

“Roy, I forgot your coffee,” Kesari said, appearing again and I smiled at her.

As soon as she was gone again, I dragged a hand over my face.

Oh, I’m in for it.