Dez

 

“Any questions?” I asked, glancing around the room, trying not to notice the glaring absence of one of my students. “No? Good. See you all on Wednesday.”

I sighed after the door closed on the last student and sat down at the front of the room. My eyes landed on Mya’s usual chair and I shook my head. Don’t even go there, Dez.

It had been bad enough that a week ago I'd done something that could have cost me my job. It was worse, too, that during the following week, I'd gone out of my way to be nice to Mya. She'd been quiet and withdrawn, blaming a cold whenever any solicitous peer asked her if something was wrong. During our time in the office, she'd barely spoken, almost cold if I asked her a question.

It was clear she didn’t want to be reminded of what had happened at the café. And I should have respected that, I should have let it go. But I couldn’t.

Which was why I dug out my laptop and looked up her home address.

You’ve lost your mind, Dez, I thought as I got to my feet and got ready to go there.

I stopped at the Trader Joe’s on Beacon street to pick up a few supplies for her, ignoring the churning in my gut that told me to leave it alone. I was taking too many risks and for a student.

But I couldn’t forget the look in her eyes as we’d parted ways that cold Sunday.

Gratitude and a flicker of contentment.

I’d done that and a small swell of pride went through me at the thought. I was sure, worst case scenario, I could spin a story to the school if I got in trouble.

Walking up to her apartment, I kept my hood up as I buzzed her number. To my surprise, she buzzed right back and I went in. Did she know it was me or was she expecting someone else?

Mya’s narrowed eyes when she opened the door answered my question. “You’re not my soup.”

“No, but I brought you soup,” I said, trying to smile and failing.

“Professor Devoy, what on earth are you doing here?” she hissed, glancing around the hall and then jerking me inside. “I appreciate that you’re worried, but I’m fine.”

“Then how come you weren’t in class?” I asked, glancing around her small apartment with interest. It was three rooms, as far as I could tell. A small living room sharing a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a door to a bedroom with a messy bed. “Listen, Mya, if you need time to recover from what happened and extensions, we can talk to your advisor–”

“Please don’t worry about it,” Mya said in frigid tones. “Thank you for the care package, but I have to insist this is the last time you’ll doing something like this, Dez.”

“I can’t promise that,” I protested. “I’m worried about you.”

“You don’t get to be worried about me,” Mya said in a flat, hard tone that didn’t quite suit her. “Goodbye, Professor Devoy.”

With a sigh, I tugged out a packet of paper from my bag. “At least take this. It was the handout from today. I wouldn’t want you to fall behind.”

“I don’t need special treatment, but thanks,” she said caustically.

I stared her down. This girl, with her messy curls, hoodie and pajama pants. “Your pride is wounded, that’s what this is. You don’t like that I saw you vulnerable.”

Mya’s nostrils flared and she pointed at her door. “You can leave now.”

“Do you let anybody in?” I asked, suddenly getting irritated myself. “Or do you try to hold it all together in hopes it won’t crush you? It doesn’t work you know. It only makes you hard and cold.” Like Roy, until he stopped being a Runner, exacerbated by Kesari forcibly thawing him out.

She blinked at that and her face softened. “I’m sorry. I’m having a bad day. Honestly, Dez, I appreciate it, but I don’t want you to get into trouble. What if someone saw you and reported it?”

“Oh well,” I said with a shrug.

“Dez,” Mya chided. “Don’t say things like that.”

I nodded, then went to move to the door when I stopped and started.

There, on the table, was the folder I’d given Shadow. Eyes wide, I stopped and my eyes went to a photograph on the bookshelf. Familiar faces stared at me and I sucked in a hard breath. 

Balt, grinning as Piper leaned into him, along with Enele, Kai, and Talori. All of them laughing and their hair tossed by the wind. With the woman behind me standing the middle, a huge smile on her face and her hands thrown out as though trying to pull the viewer into the picture. Into her heart and her endless joy. I stopped breathing.

I turned back to the woman standing behind me, her eyebrow tilting up and her gray eyes regarding me with a mixture of annoyance and trepidation. How had I not seen it before?

“Dez? Something on your mind?” she asked dryly.

My sister is gorgeous, I recalled Talori saying. She doesn’t really look like me or Enele, we take after the Lafi side. She’s my mom through and through. Big, round gray eyes and sharp cheekbones.

She has the best taste in clothes, Isla had recounted wistfully.

The whirlwind of high heels and heartbreak? Balt had asked Piper. Are you a sadist?

Standing right in front me, I didn’t know how I didn’t see it before. Had I willingly been blind? Did I not want Shadow to be someone I knew, even peripherally?

“Soraya,” I said and her eyes went huge. “Soraya Lafi.”

She went pale, her lips parted and I saw the silver come and go in her eyes.

“I’m leaving now,” I said curtly.

But Soraya had moved too fast and blocked me. “How… How did you figure it out?” I gestured sarcastically to the picture and she muttered, “Oh my God, am I an idiot.” I went to push past her, but she threw out her arms. No, Dez, wait.”

My pulse was pounding thickly, as both fear and anger swirled up through me. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to know how close she was or if she had figured out I was King.

"You have to listen," Soraya said, holding up her hands. "I get that you're probably pissed."

“You think? Why should I?” I snapped, trying to get a grip on myself. “Why are you spying on me? Did the Order send you and enroll you in my class? What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Soraya said in a soothing voice. “Dez, I’m not here for you, no I swear.” I shook my head and folded my arms. “There’s something else going on in this city.” Her voice became rueful. “Something really bizarre, I can tell you that much.”

“How am I supposed to believe that? You’ve spent the last month pretending to be someone else. Pretending to be my friend.”

“Hey!” Soraya protested, hurt. “I am your friend. I don’t have to tell you any of this, but I am. Listen, I’m not sure how I even ended up in your class, but I did. If I had to guess, maybe Piper or Balt pulled some strings. They’ve been worried about you – everyone has.”

Guilt burrowed into my chest, but I bit out, “So, you have been spying for them?”

“No, Dez, I didn’t tell them anything. You honestly think if I had, they wouldn’t have come swarming in? Kesari and Roy?” she asked and I made a face. “I respected that you needed space from Anubis. That’s part of why I didn’t tell you who I was.”

“And the other part?” I demanded.

“I needed space from them, too. I mean, yes, I’m undercover, but you know enough that it would have been okay to loop you in.” She walked away from me, hugging her elbows. “And it’s not exactly glamorous to be shunted from the frontlines to the sidelines.”

That piqued my curiosity. “What do you mean?”

Soraya glanced over her shoulder, back at me and I couldn’t help seeing her in a new light. At the same moment, I suddenly realized who the best friend was that she’d lost.

Faye.

“It’s bad out there, Dez. Frost is all over the place, pulling that same Bear Valley stunt over and over, never in the same place. We were following her, stopping the outbreak, administering the golden bullet, Kesari’s new cure, if you didn’t know, and keeping the calm. Hiding what happened.

“But, then, the same day the twins were born – you should have been there by the way,” Soraya scolded and I almost smiled. "I get sent here. No rhyme, no reason. I think they didn't trust my mental state if I’m being completely honest. I’ve been moving fast – I didn’t want everything to catch up to me.” She looked awkward. “You know.”

I nodded, even though I should have been getting out of there. Far, far away from Soraya Lafi. Yet, from what I could tell, Soraya had no idea who I really was.

It’s only a matter of time, whispered an urgent voice in my head.

A crazy idea darted through my head. Should I come clean? Tell her everything? I can trust her, right? We’d both kept secrets from each other and this would be a fresh start.

But perhaps it wasn’t only her mental state that had brought her here. Maybe the Order had realized the one person who was poised to bring about my downfall was a perfectly placed Lafi. I didn’t know her like I knew the rest of them. And she didn’t know me.

“Dez, I’m sorry,” Soraya said again and I blinked at her. “I should have told you who I was. I thought it would compromise my assignment, but I know now it wouldn’t have.” She paused. “You’re already friends with the rest of my family. I think it’s time we closed the loop.”

Her face was open and smiling, but her gaze was unreadable.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I heard myself say, though I sounded reluctant. “Right now, I can’t ignore this.” I paused. Those words were sadly inadequate and I cast around for something else to say. “Um, I hope you feel better and see you in class on Wednesday.”

Soraya bit her lip, nodding and stepping back. She didn’t utter a word as I left, but I thought I heard her let out a frustrated sigh as the door closed behind me.

But that was nothing to the swirl of emotions going on in my chest.

I should have never trusted that Anubis agent. What was I thinking?

Oddly, however, even now I was having trouble reconciling Shadow and Soraya. To me, they were still two different people. But then again, I suppose that was because I didn’t know either of them. That thought alone decided me as I stepped out into the ice-cold afternoon.

I had to do this alone.