CHAPTER 13
I closed my eyes as my body demanded sleep afterward and couldn’t make sense of what happened. Did I really just have them both? I was more hopeless than I initially thought and I let myself fade as hands touched me and covered me with a soft blanket.
I woke later, naked and warm as I opened my eyes slowly.
It all came rushing back to me, and I clutched the cloth around me. I’d slept with both men, both of them willing to share me. I knew I’d never forget it as I prayed silently for forgiveness if there was such a thing left for me at this point.
The house seemed quiet as I listened and tried to sort through my thoughts. I knew in my heart that today was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. It was a spontaneous moment that none of us could resist, a timing that couldn’t have been planned if we tried. It could affect a variety of relationships but still, I knew that I’d hold it as a precious memory, a moment with the men that meant the most to me.
I must’ve fallen asleep because I woke up later and went to the bathroom to shower. I washed them off of my skin and out of my mouth as I moved slowly under the water, in the best pain that I could ever feel. I dried my hair and pulled it into a ponytail before dressing in leggings and a sweatshirt.
It was now or never. I walked downstairs and found the television on in the living room as Brett watched a game while I looked for Cole. “He had dinner plans with his mom,” I observed him, and he looked calm as I sat down gingerly on the couch. “I want to regret that, but I can’t. I can’t ever forget the way that made me feel.”
“I understand,” I agreed as he looked at me and sipped his beer. “I feel the same way, but I can’t help but to wonder…what now?”
“What now,” Brett repeated as he seemed to mull that over. “I had a long talk with Cole after you fell asleep about that. Once the smoke cleared, he was admittedly angry with the situation that I readily admitted to him, seeing as we were pretty raw in that moment. I saw no reason to lie anymore, though, and once he expressed his anger towards me, he seemed to calm down. He told me that he was your best friend at school, which made me realize that my son was the one that you slept with in the beginning.” Brett shook his head and stared at me. “What a mess.”
“Yeah,” I agreed as I watched him twist his wedding ring slowly.
“I thought about things. None of us regret what happened to the best of my knowledge, but we also know that things can’t go back to how they were,” Brett looked at me sadly as I felt tears in my eyes. “We both care deeply for you, Larisa. My son is in love with you, though, and he told me that he has been for a long time. I feel strongly for you, but I know that this is a bad situation to have you in and I want you happy.”
“Brett,” I said as pain filled me and he dropped his hands.
“It’s best if we don’t continue, something that you tried to tell me. I am going to figure out this marriage and what I want in my life, but I am not going to keep you trapped in this. I’d like to think that someday we could talk. I’ll always hold this close to my heart.”
“Oh, God. How do we get through this holiday?” I asked as the tears flooded my cheeks
“The best way that we know how to,” he replied as he smiled at me. God, he was handsome, and all of the memories played through my mind. “I am not going to mention this to your mom. We had agreed on that before Cole left, but if you two end up working out, then we’ll tell her that. There’s nothing wrong with it technically, and you have a close relationship from what he says.”
I went back to my room and mourned the loss of my older lover, getting it all out before Mom got home. It was a critical and memorable part of my life, one that I’d never forget. I also thought about Cole and what we’d built over the years. I loved him, but I was going to leave this to him to decide. None of us could change what happened, and it seemed like we didn’t want to, but we’d have to move past it.
I stayed in my room and watched television, upset but not as ill as I was at the beginning of all of this. I’d grown up over the last few months, and I knew that I’d survive this.
I heard a knock at my door later that night and looked over to see Cole walk in as he looked at me. I was putting the sheets back on the bed that I’d washed and he helped me lay the comforter over that. I was dressed in pajamas that covered me, but I felt naked as he looked at me with emotions rising in his eyes. “How are you feeling?”
I looked at him. “I am okay. You?”
“I don’t know. That was…intense.” He looked at me as I nodded. “I don’t know why that turned me on, Ris. Nothing like that ever had before. That being said, I never want to repeat it, not with someone that means as much to me as you do.”
“Oh, Cole. I don’t want that either. That was one of the most chaotic parts of my life, probably ever and I will always wonder what I could’ve done differently. I just can’t dwell on that, but he and I did end things. That’s over.”
“I know. We talked about that. Dad loves me, you know. He never wanted to hurt me, but you’re…well, you.” Cole forced a smile, and I gave one back to him. “I want to try us. I know it will be weird after everything and that I have some work to do inside, but I do love you. I always have.”
“I love you, too,” I admitted as I sat down and looked up at him.
I did, too.