Chapter Seven

Jessica

It should have been the happiest moment of my life. The white dress hanging loosely down to the floor was like a noose around my neck. Marriage was final. The ball and chain were hard to wrestle away from after the priest declared us husband and wife.

The seamstress was making the necessary alterations. I could see my father in the mirror. He looked like he had aged 10-years. I wanted to say something to lighten the mood, but I couldn’t think of one single thing to say.

“I don’t want you to do this for me. I will find a way to pay Coughlin what I owe him. I don’t know where he gets off asking you to marry his son. I know you have a mind of your own, but I insist you stop this foolishness.” He wasn’t feeble-minded, but it wasn’t like I was a little girl asking for his permission.

I had sworn him to secrecy.

“This is a small price to pay for your financial freedom.” It had been three days and I was constantly avoiding Sebastian’s phone calls.

I couldn’t blame Sebastian for being increasingly upset. The tone of his voice had this commanding quality. Sebastian wasn’t giving me room to breathe. He was suffocating me over one night of unadulterated bliss.

I found myself lying in bed looking at the ceiling and reliving those moments one second at a time.

“There’s another way. There’s always another way. We just need to find it. Coughlin can be reasonable. Give me a chance to talk to him.” It was a marriage of convenience to protect my father and give Coughlin’s son a clean slate to his image.

They stood on the platform of being a family oriented company with wholesome values. Timothy had given the family a black eye by cavorting with a stripper. There was no accounting for good taste. This was their way of mitigating the damage. The wedding was going to be an extravagant display for the world to see.

“He has made his position very clear.” Coughlin didn’t want a gold digger sticking her hands in his son’s pocket.

“I don’t know how to repay you for all that you have done for me. I could skip town, but it will mean always looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate to see you unhappy.” I was grieving for the relationship that could never be.

“You have been there for all of my milestones. It couldn’t have been easy dealing with a little girl asking for her mother. I wasn’t old enough to know the finality of death. You did your best and I can’t fault you for that.” He could have run from the responsibility, but he stuck around to raise me in his image.

“I haven’t been the kind of father you deserve. What father would allow his daughter to walk down the aisle with no love in her eyes for the groom? I’m a selfish and despicable man to put you in this position.” The big day was approaching and seeing my reflection in virginal white almost made me burst out laughing.

They claimed I was an idiot savant when it came to learning how to be a refined lady. I soaked everything up like a sponge. It was as if I was born to live a life of luxury. I almost forgot how the man that was going to be standing at the end of the aisle was nothing more than window dressing.

“Don’t beat yourself up over something beyond your control. I’m going into this with my eyes wide open. I could change my mind at the last minute, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’m doing this on the condition you follow through with your treatment. Don’t shake your fist in defiance when it comes to gamblers anonymous.” His guilt was going to help make him a productive member of society.

“I see no reason why I can’t start with baby steps. It’s going to be a long road to recovery. I can’t promise not to slip off the wagon. I will think of your sacrifice and know that you are depending on me to clean up my act.” He hated himself and that was going to give him the courage to try something foreign to him.

The shop was a classy boutique catering to the elite. Coughlin was fitting the bill and using word of mouth to make sure the church was going to be standing room only. It was a public relations nightmare. They had devised the perfect way to sweep the bad press under the rug. It was all about the next big story. This wedding was it.

“Father, I want the best for you. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don’t let people say that you can’t do it. Never let their whispers of discouragement have any power over you.” There were times that I got the impression I was the parent in this equation.

“A father should be taking care of his daughter and not the other way around. Normally, I would go out and find a card game to distract me from my problems. I’m going to refrain for you. My first meeting is in a few hours. I would like you to be there to make sure you put my hand in the fire.” It was a good step in the right direction and I was proud of how hard he was fighting to get his life back.

“I would be honored to accompany you. Let me finish up here and then we can get a bite to eat before the meeting. I know this Thai fusion place.” He looked deflated and the urge to gamble was evident in his eyes.

“You make a beautiful bride.” I got a catch in my throat and nothing would have made me happier than to run down the street screaming.

“It’s too bad it’s not happening for the right reasons.” The seamstress didn’t speak a lick of English.

We could speak openly without worrying it was going to find its way into journalistic hands. The press was everywhere. I had them jumping out of the bushes to ambush me with questions. I was coached on what to say without revealing too much. I claimed we fell in love during his recent stay in rehab.

“I will stand by you every step down the aisle. It’s the least I can do considering the circumstances of this wedding.” Having him to walk me down the aisle was a dream come true for the little girl who planned her wedding down to the minute detail.

The variety of dresses made my head hurt. I couldn’t decide and then one stood out from the rest of them. It was perfect, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to waste it on a sham marriage.

I changed and came out with the glow of acceptance on my face. There was no need to alter its appearance. It fit like a glove and was practically made for my unique body shape.

“I am a very proud father. That is the one. Don’t settle for something that pales in comparison.” I stood and admired the dress from every angle.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Sebastian was wearing a white suit with a blood red tie.

“It’s not a good idea for you to be here. It was a fling and nothing more. I let myself be seduced. I can’t believe you came here.” He was like a dog with a bone.

“This can’t be what you want. Tell me something that will make me understand any of this. What we did couldn’t be your idea of sowing the last of your wild oats. I won’t believe it until I hear it from the horse’s mouth.” I had to be convincing even though I was breaking apart inside by hurting him unnecessarily.

“I was never one for commitment until I met Timothy. He showed me a life without love is no life at all.” Sebastian had his arms crossed and was trying his level best to read something into what I was saying to him.

“You never mentioned Timothy. There was no engagement ring on your finger. He can afford to give you a huge diamond. The family is loaded.” He was waiting for an explanation.

“I was scared and I used you for my own selfish reasons. I couldn’t bring myself to wear his ring. You probably didn’t notice that it was swinging on a chain around my neck. It was always close to my heart. I told him all about you and he forgave me without question.” I was playing with fire with the risk of being burned by my lies unraveling before my eyes.

“Can you honestly stand there and tell me that you don’t feel anything for me? Look me in the eyes and make me believe it.” It was a slippery slope when the only thing I wanted to do was jump into his arms.

“I don’t love you. I never did. I don’t know how much plainer I can make it. I made a mistake and it almost cost me everything. I’m glad my husband to be is forgiving.” The words felt like bile coming out of my mouth.

“You said that with a straight face. You’re either a conniving bitch or you really do believe what you’re saying. I’m not sure there’s anything left to say. I hope your wedding is everything that you have dreamed of. Your happiness is important to me.” It was killing me inside to see him expose his heart with such vulnerability.

“It’s about time it got through to your thick skull. I want you to leave and never come back. I don’t need this drama in my life. This is my chance for a new chapter with the man I love. I can’t have you muddying up the waters.” There was no way that I was going to pull him into my family problems.

He could have easily paid off Coughlin. This wasn’t his mess to fix. That particular responsibility fell on my shoulders. I was destined to pull my father’s ass out of the fire. It was my cross to bear.

My father had vacated the premises and came back in after Sebastian took his leave. He showed his feelings on his face. A confession was good for the soul. I was no fool. Resistance was futile. My fate was to walk down the aisle with only the family and my father knowing the real reason.

“I hope you know what you’re doing. I can tell he really cares about you. Don’t throw this away because of me. I don’t think that I could live with it.” His crestfallen expression had me reaching out and putting my hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture.

“Everybody makes decisions they sometimes regret. This isn’t one of those times for me. I don’t need love to be happy. Curing you of your addiction is the only thing that matters. I walk into this with my head held high. The smile on my face might be a cheap imitation, but I can live with that.” I didn’t choose the dress I wanted and went with a brand name.

“You are deluding yourself if you think Timothy is going to substitute for the one you love. Forget about dinner. I’ll get something on the way to the meeting. I don’t want you to come with me. It will only be a painful reminder of what I’m putting you through. I need some time to myself.” I was going to say something, but once he made up his mind there was nobody that was going to stop him.

I didn’t even have a matron of honor. That position was going to go to Timothy’s little sister. She was oblivious to the machinations of the family. Sheila believed the story of our chance meeting. I had repeated it so much that it was becoming gospel.

To the outside world I was the happiest woman, but inside I was dying a little more each day. The fact remained Timothy was nothing but a way to get out from underneath my father’s debt. The wealth and prestige was a consolation prize.

The big day of pomp and circumstance was going to leave me empty inside.