Chapter 30

Ava

I woke up on Saturday morning with my father and Tanner on my mind. There was so much going on in my life, and I couldn’t find the ability to sort it out myself. I felt slightly broken, worn down from the stress of fighting with my father, the emotional roller coaster that was my relationship with Tanner, and the fact that I wasn’t sure what to do about MJ. My career was really important, but I was smart enough that I didn’t need to stress out so much about it. Tanner was the biggest thing on my mind. My father was about to find out that I’d lied to him again, and though it was still uncertain as to where my future with Tanner was going, I knew that I loved him, and I needed to try to get to the point where we could figure it all out without the stress of sneaking around and worrying about the lies in the background.

I shuffled out of my bedroom and walked into the living room, plopping down on the couch and looking out of the window. It was sunny, but from the chill in the apartment, it must be cold outside, something I really loved about autumn in New York. I could break out the sweaters and boots earlier than most other places. However, at that moment, I only wanted hot coffee and a warm blanket and maybe a really good conversation with my father. I leaned over and grabbed my phone, dialing my father’s number, expecting to leave a message. To my surprise, he picked up and seemed cheerier than normal.

“Hey, Daddy,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“I just got to the city,” he said happily. “I was thinking about you.”

“You want to come over?”

“That sounds perfect,” he said kindly. “I’ll be over soon.”

We hung up the phone, and I grabbed the fleece out of the closet, not wanting to turn on the heat just yet. The day was fresh and there was a good likelihood it would warm up into the sixties outside later, which would raise the temperature of the apartment to a comfortable seventy-four or seventy-five degrees. This was the time of year I could save some money on the crazy electric bill that New York weather produced. I lay there bundled up on the couch for quite a while, my head on the pillow, and my eyes gazing out at the tree in front of the window. There were people out walking their dogs, taking their children to the park, and doing other normal Saturday activities. Part of me was jealous, wanting to have that kind of life as well. However, in order to do so, I needed to get through this first part of things, telling my father the truth.

I was pretty sure my father was going to show up with either coffee, breakfast, or both, which was fine with me since I had completely forgotten to buy coffee or groceries for that matter. Everything had been a mess recently, so much that I was thankful I had remembered to brush my teeth everyday much less keep up with the grocery shopping. I got up and bounced to the door as soon as I heard the knock, opening the door and hugging my father. I took the bags from his hands and walked over to the table, sitting down and unloading the breakfast. He sat down a coffee in front of me and smiled.

We started talking immediately, having our normal chitter chatter about the city and the weather before talking about anything else. My father seemed happy, something I hadn’t seen in a really long time. He was always so stressed out when I was growing up and part of that had to do with my mother and her constant nagging.

“You know what I thought about the other day?”

“What’s that, sweetie?” He leaned back in his chair.

“The time Mom and I went upstate to that amusement park,” I said smiling. “Neither one of us like roller coasters, so we spent all day eating candy and riding the Merry Go Round.”

“That was when I couldn’t get off work,” he said laughing.

“Yeah,” I replied. “It was such a good day. What happened to Mom?”

“The same thing that happens to almost everyone,” he said sighing. “You pass on life experiences over and over, and then one day, you’re terrified that you missed out on life. That was what, or is what, your mother is going through.”

“But she’s hurting everyone else around her,” I said, “which kind of sounds like someone else I know.”

“Oh, sweetie,” he laughed. “You are not going through the same thing. You’re young, and you’re testing the waters. You’re figuring out who you are and what you want.”

“It’s funny how I want both sides of the fence,” I said, looking down at my sandwich. “I want the career and the personal life. I don’t want to have to make a choice like you and Tanner had to. I want it all.”

“And you can have that,” he said laughing. “You are much smarter than me.”

“Dad,” I said, thinking about Tanner. “What you and I have, how close we are, is extremely important to me. I’d go to any lengths to keep it intact.”

“I would too, baby,” he said kindly.

“That being said, my relationship with Tanner is just as important to me,” I said, looking up at him and waiting for a reaction.

I waited for a moment as he played the words over in his head. He tapped his finger on the glass tabletop underneath his hand, and slowly his face softened. He sighed and smiled slightly, and I let out a deep breath. He chuckled slightly and took a sip of his coffee, obviously not surprised at all about anything I’d said. I was confused, but I didn’t want to ask any questions. I just wanted to hear what he had to say about it.

“I already knew all of this,” he said with a smile. “Yesterday afternoon, I met with Tanner. We hashed a lot of things out. And before the lunch was over, he was extremely honest about how he felt about you. I know when that man is lying, but I saw tears in his eyes when he talked about how important you are to him and how much he loves you. So, I gave him my blessing, as long as you felt the same way.”

“Oh,” I said, taken back by what he was saying.

We continued talking for a couple of hours, but my mind was back on Tanner. I should be ecstatic, seeing that my father was on board with us dating, but I wasn’t. Tanner had gone behind my back and talked to my father, and didn’t say anything about it to me. We had just gotten done promising each other a fresh start, a clean slate, and a relationship with no lies. Here I was again, finding out that what he told me was not the truth. How could he go and do that? I knew he did it to make my father feel he could trust him again, but still, the partnership I thought we had was not going to happen the way I wanted it to. Instead, I was sitting there thinking about how he had betrayed me again.

My father didn’t seem to notice that I was upset, which was good, because I didn’t want him to be involved in any of this anymore. He had come to terms with my job, my relationship, and the fact that I had lied to him. From there on out, it was going to have to be me dealing with Tanner the way I thought was best. I couldn’t figure out why my heart wanted to see him but my brain was screaming at me to be angry. Everything was complicated all over again, and I was really looking forward to getting this over with and moving on, with Tanner and I receiving the opportunity for a fresh start. It was all too good to be true from the start, and I should have been prepared for something like that. Again, I was left dizzy after being sideswiped by the man I loved. It was starting to get annoying how much I had to deal with.

“All right,” Dad said, stretching his arms out. “Can I help you clean this up?”

“No,” I said snapping back to the present. “I got this.”

“I’m going to head out,” he smiled. “I have a tennis match with a few guys from the office. Gotta keep myself in shape.”

“Okay,” I said happily. “Thank you for breakfast and coffee.”

“Anytime, sweetheart,” he said. “Anytime. You just call me.”

“I will,” I said walking him to the door.

We embraced, and he kissed me on the cheek before walking out. I closed the door and locked it, standing there staring and thinking about what I had just found out. I sighed and walked back to the table, cleaning up the trash and wiping it down. When I was done, I grabbed my cell phone and laid down in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I dialed Brianna’s number and laid there, waiting for her to answer.

“Hey, girl,” she said happily.

“Hey,” I sighed.

“Uh oh,” she replied. “What happened? Tell me all about it.”

“I went to work yesterday to apologize to Tanner, and we ended up making up,” I explained. “We promised each other no more secrets and no more lies. The last thing left was to break the news to my father. Well, Dad came over today, and I told him that Tanner was important in my life.”

“And your dad freaked out?”

“No, actually the opposite,” I replied.

“Okay,” Brianna said confused. “So, what’s the problem?”

“He felt that way because Tanner took him to lunch yesterday and told him about his feelings for me,” I said. “He didn’t even warn me that he had done that.”

“And you are angry over this,” she said without emotion.

“Of course, I am,” I scoffed. “He immediately went out and betrayed my trust again.”

“Ava,” she said with a sigh. “You need to get your shit together. Tanner didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just mad because you don’t have any more excuses.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Yes, you do,” she said. “You are being a pussy, and the longer your father is upset with Tanner, the longer you can wait to tell him exactly how you feel about him. You’re scared. But Ava, your fear is completely ruining your life.”

“What am I supposed to do? This was not in my plans,” I said with emotion.

“When is love ever in the plans? You need to tell Tanner how you feel, lay it all out for him, and then see where the chips fall,” she said. “Stop being so scared. it’s your biggest hindrance. Everyone who knows you knows that. You’re just too scared to see it yourself.”

We talked for a few more minutes before hanging up. I sat up in the bed and replayed her words over in my head, chuckling arrogantly as I attempted to blame away her response. However, as the thoughts of how I handled us that whole time played in the back of my mind, I realized that she might be right. Maybe I didn’t spill my guts every time I had a feeling, but that was what was keeping me going. I had amazing walls that even Tanner couldn’t completely knock down. The problem was, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let that guard down.