Chapter 33
I’ve been thinking a lot about my conversation with Luke. If Melanie weren’t in the picture, hands down he and I would be together. But it’s not as though I can just disregard our twenty-four years of friendship. And friendship doesn’t even do what we have justice. She’s like my soulmate in the female form. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just come clean from the beginning. I had the best of intentions, looking out for her so she didn’t get hurt. But now I realize my actions may cause others to get hurt in the process. As much as I’d love a way out, I’m in far too deep to ever reveal the truth. And it’s been a burden carrying around this secret, from both her and James.
James. I’ve been thinking about him a lot too. Is it fair for me to stay with him knowing he’ll always come in second? I haven’t wanted to admit the truth, but there it is. On the other hand, no one will ever compare to Luke, so maybe this isn’t just about James. I can’t imagine ever meeting someone that can match the intense connection I have with Luke. Had. So maybe I should stay with James. It’s not that he doesn’t make me happy, I just hope I can make him happy. Because he deserves it. He deserves more than me, more than I can give him.
I don’t sleep well the next few nights. My decision weighs heavily on my mind. Because suddenly it’s as though I have one to make. Nothing’s changed. Yet everything has. James gets back late Thursday and asks if he can stop by after work. I tell him yes, still unsure of where things stand in my mind. I hear a knock at a quarter past seven and let him in. He kisses me in greeting, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. “I’ve missed you,” he says. I look into his warm, brown eyes, and his joy in our reunion is so evident, that in that moment I know what I need to do. He sets his things down and chats about his conference, but I don’t really hear a word he says. He stops talking and I realize he’s staring at me.
“Luce? Is everything OK?”
I nod but then say, “No. Not really. Come sit.” I pat the spot across from me on the couch. “When you think about your future, what do you see?” I ask.
He looks confused. “I see you.” He smiles at me but I don’t smile back. “I see a house with a couple of kids. Three if you’re willing. Why?”
“We’ve never talked about this before.”
“That’s because I didn’t think you were ready.”
“I’m not.”
“That’s OK. I don’t want to push you. I was going to ask you to move in with me a little while ago. But then you seemed different somehow, so I thought it was too soon.”
I hate that he’s making excuses for me. He’s giving me more credit than I deserve.
“No. It’s not OK,” I say gently. “Because you’re ready. The truth is I don’t know what I see. I want it to be you, James. But right now it isn’t.”
He leans forward and rubs his hands over his face. My chest aches knowing what’s to come and the pain I’m going to inflict on the person who least deserves it. He’s silent for a minute, processing what I’ve said.
He looks at me, the hurt evident in his eyes. “Is there someone else?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. No.”
“I don’t know? That means there is.”
“I saw him again.”
“Who? That guy who broke your heart?”
I nod. “Had he never been in the picture there’d be no question in my mind. I care about you—a lot. More than I thought I was capable of. You’re everything I want, James. You’re funny, kind, grounded, and giving. And I know you’ll be an amazing dad someday. But the fact is my heart was already taken by someone else before we met. So I can’t give it to you.”
“Are you getting back together with him?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t understand. It’s like you’re allowing this guy, this guy who hurt you, to ruin your chance at happiness with someone else.”
“It’s complicated. Seeing him made me realize I’m not being fair to you.”
“How long ago did you run into him?” he asks.
“About five months ago.”
“Five months ago! You’ve been having doubts about us all this time?”
“No, I swear.” I touch his arm, willing him to believe me, but he pulls away.
He paces around my living room then stops in front of me. “It’s him, isn’t it?”
“Who?”
“Luke.”
Oh. My. God. I try to keep my voice as neutral as possible. “What makes you say that?”
“Things were great between us. Until that night we met Luke and Melanie. Everything changed after that. And your face when you saw him. It was as if you’d seen a ghost. I guess I didn’t want to see what was right there in front of me. But now that I know the timing, it all adds up.”
I close my eyes and nod. As much as I didn’t want him to find out, it’s also a relief.
“I’m so sorry, James. I really am. I feel like it’s a cruel twist of fate.”
“Does Melanie know?”
“God no. It would kill her.”
“You mean you haven’t told her?”
“No.”
“Lucy. I’ve never taken you for a liar. But that’s what you are.” He walks toward the door.
I panic. He can’t leave like this. “Wait, James. Please, let me explain. It would’ve killed her. She’s in love with him.” The tears I’ve been holding back spill down my cheeks. “She can’t know.”
“Stop. Just stop. You can convince yourself all you want. But not telling her—or me—the truth is as good as lying. And deep down you know it. You know it or you wouldn’t have freaked out when I discovered the truth for fear I’d tell her. I don’t know which is worse: the fact that you lied, or the fact that you cared more about her finding out than you did about hurting me. Well I can promise you this: I won’t tell her. I won’t hurt another innocent party with your fucked up lie. I’ll leave that burden to you. And speaking of promises, I can promise you you’ll never hear from me again. You aren’t the person that I thought you were.”
He closes the door behind him, leaving silence in his wake. It’s so like James not to slam it shut. He always does the right thing because he’s a nice, decent guy. As I said, I don’t deserve him. Everything James said is true. I’m a horrible person and a liar. I’ve lied to everyone, including myself. But I still can’t bring myself to tell Melanie the truth. Seeing his reaction confirmed it.
I wish he’d given me a chance to answer his question. The truth is I’m more upset about hurting him. I truly wish things could have been different and hate knowing I caused him pain. I cry for the injustice of it all, for James, and for the life I could’ve had but never will. After a while I dry my tears, put on a pair of my comfiest pajamas, pop a bowl of popcorn, and pull up Scandal on my DVR. How fitting—it’s what my life has become.
I don’t know how to break the news to Melanie about my breakup with James. But I obviously need to tell her. I decide to go with the truth, just leaving out the part about Luke. I call her on my way home from work Friday afternoon.
“Luce, what’s up?”
“I broke up with James.”
“What?”
“I broke up with James.”
“I heard you. I just thought I was hallucinating. Where did this come from?”
“I don’t know. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. When I thought about my future, I just wasn’t sure if I could picture him in it.”
“Wow. But you haven’t been together that long. Couldn’t you have just waited to see how things went?”
“Yes. But I know he was in a different place. He was going to ask me to move in with him. And I wasn’t ready for that step. I should’ve been. I honestly think he deserves better than me.”
“Lucy. Don’t ever say that. He was lucky to be with you. Is this because of Mr. Anonymous?”
“On some level, yes. No one compares to him, Mel. It’s not fair to James. I know. But I can’t help how my heart feels.”
“I understand that. But you’re letting some fictional guy fuck up your reality. Mr. Anonymous isn’t here. He walked away from you. I’m sorry to be so blunt. But he chose not to call you. And now you have a gem of a guy who you’re walking away from. A guy who adores you and who’s a good match for you. I’ve seen the two of you together. I think you’re just scared.”
“Maybe I am scared. I’m scared to give my heart to someone again. But I’m not scared of James. I know he’d never hurt me. So that tells me he’s not the right guy.”
“I want to talk about this more in person. Luke is supposed to stop by tonight but I’ll cancel and come to you.”
“No. Don’t cancel. I kind of want to be alone with my thoughts, OK?”
“OK,” she relents. “But this isn’t over yet. I’m not letting you off the hook so easily.”
“Fine.” I agree to get her off the phone. Then I call Trish and ask her to meet me for a drink. I could sure use one.
Fortunately she’s free and we agree to meet at our favorite martini lounge. I arrive first and have our drinks waiting. Well, at least hers. I’ve almost finished mine.
“This is new,” she says when she spots me. “It seems our roles are reversed.”
“It’s been a rough week.”
I tell her the whole story, including that Luke is Mr. Anonymous. When I’m done some of the burden I’ve been carrying lessens.
“Lucy, I get why you didn’t want to say anything. For the record, I’d never judge you or your decisions. You’re my friend and I’ll always support you, OK?”
I wipe my eyes and nod.
“Let’s start with James. I think he’s awesome. I liked him right away when we met that night at Ravinia. So did Dax. We both wanted things to work out for the two of you. But you never talked about him the way you talked about Luke. Sometimes it felt as though you not only needed to convince me of your feelings, but yourself as well. I think you did the right thing breaking up with him.”
“You do?”
She nods. “You can’t help the way you feel. He wasn’t the one for you. I’m not saying that Luke is, but James wasn’t. Look, I’m not denying he’s a great catch and a great guy. Just for someone else.”
I’m relieved that she understands me.
“So what are you going to do?” she asks.
“About Luke? Nothing. I’ll suffer in silence. For now my plan is to get rip-roaring drunk.” Anything to help me forget.
After my second drink I decide to call it a night. Getting wasted isn’t my thing. Really it just felt good to talk about my decision and have someone on my side. As for Melanie, I haven’t changed my mind that silence is still the best policy. I can live with not telling her and suffering the consequences. Because I’m only hurting myself. But I can’t live with stringing someone else along when my heart isn’t in it. Who knows? Maybe there is another Luke out there for me. James is the first guy I’ve dated since. And he was an amazing man. Just not the right man. Hopefully someday I’ll find him.