Chapter 39
Luke still hasn’t returned my call. I try him again before my flight takes off. We’re delayed due to weather, so we sit on the tarmac for a while before we’re finally cleared. It’s hard sitting with only my thoughts for company, not knowing for hours if he’s tried to get in touch. But when I turn off airplane mode upon touchdown it’s clear he’s ignoring me. I think about what my mom said, about how sometimes when you love someone you need to set them free. But I don’t think that applies in this case. I have to believe Luke wouldn’t be better off without me. I made a terrible mistake in not trusting him. But it has to be fixable, right?
I stay late on Monday getting caught up at work. Charlotte filled in for me. How weird is that? And she was totally normal about it instead of being her usual territorial self. On Tuesday I decide to run over to Luke’s office during lunch. I figure he can ignore my calls, but it’s a lot harder to do if I show up in person.
I know it’s risky, and he could be out to lunch, but I give it a shot. A flustered-looking redhead looks up when I walk in and ask to speak with Luke.
“Mr. Harrison doesn’t have any scheduled lunch meetings.”
“I know. I don’t have an appointment. Is he available?”
“Mr. Harrison is really busy.”
“Please, it’s important. Tell him Lucy’s here.”
“One moment.” She slips on a headset and says, “Mr. Harrison, there’s a Lucy here to see you. Uh huh. I’ll let her know.” She turns to me and says, “Mr. Harrison apologizes but he’s tied up. He suggested you make an appointment.”
“I’ll come back another time. Can you give him something for me? It’s rather urgent,” I say as I scribble down a note and hand it to her. I walk toward the elevators and turn around so I can see which office is his. Bingo. I quickly stride across the lobby and open the door without knocking. The redhead is on my heels.
“Mr. Harrison, I’m so sorry. She just barged in. I told her you were busy and to make an appointment.”
“Don’t worry about it, Cynthia.” He looks at me and in a clipped tone says, “You have two minutes before my next meeting. Make it quick.” There is no warmth in his expression. Nothing that would indicate our shared history. His dark eyes that are usually filled with mirth seem flat. I hate that I’ve extinguished the light from them. He quickly assesses me, then he turns toward the window. He’s literally turned his back on me.
It takes me a minute to find my voice. Seeing him takes my breath away, and suddenly I’m at a loss for words. “Luke, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t believe in you. I know you were telling the truth. I made a monumental mistake. Words can’t describe how much I regret it. And how much I regret not following my heart. I choose you. I know it’s the right choice, and I’m sorry I didn’t make it before. What can I do? Tell me, and I’ll do it.”
He’s silent for a minute, which only intensifies my anxiety. I had hoped seeing me in person and hearing my apology would be enough. But I can tell this is going to be a harder battle than I thought. When he finally speaks he doesn’t turn around. “My whole life no one’s believed in me. Not my parents, not even my brother. Do you know what it’s like to grow up without that kind of support? So I slacked off. Wasn’t the best student. I figured, if they don’t believe in me why should I believe in myself. But after I graduated and started working for my dad, I had something to prove. I had to work harder than everyone else. My brother was always the smart one. That’s why he assumed my dad would pick him to take over his empire. As close as Patrick and I are, I don’t think he thought I could handle it. Didn’t believe that I could. And then I met you. You were the first person to believe in me. And I thought we were kindred spirits. We understood one another, you know? But you turned out to be just like everyone else.”
“Luke, no.”
There’s a knock on the door. Cynthia appears and says, “Tyson and Jeffrey are here.”
“Show them in. Lucy and I are done.”
As the two men walk in he has to turn around to greet them. Our eyes meet and I think I see regret.
“We’re not done, Luke. Far from it.”
And then I walk out of his office, wishing with all of my heart it were true.
My heart aches. It feels as though it’s torn in two. The problem is Luke has the other half and I don’t know how to get it back to make it whole. My only solace is I feel a sense of peace now that I understand my past. The urge to share the news with Melanie is overwhelming. There’s no one else who could understand what it means to me. I decide to text her.
I met my birth mother. You’re the only one I wanted to share the news with. I’m sorry. For everything.
My heart jumps as I see the dots that indicate she’s typing.
OMG. That’s huge. We should meet. We have a lot to talk about.
She wants to meet! Finally. We make plans to have coffee Friday morning. I count down the days.
I arrive first. There aren’t any free tables so I order us coffees then wait until someone leaves. I grab a booth just as Melanie walks in. She spots me and heads over. It’s awkward not knowing how to greet her. Instead of our usual hug she slides in across from me.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi. I got you a caramel macchiato.”
“Thanks. So, tell me about your mom. Then we’ll talk about us.”
“She looks like me.” I bring up our selfie on my phone and slide it across the table. She studies it. “You definitely have her eyes. And her mouth. Something in the expression. I feel like I’ve seen you make that face.”
I smile. I like that Melanie sees part of me when she looks at Cecilia. It makes me feel as though I have roots somewhere. I summarize what Cecilia told me and her reasons for leaving.
“Wow. That’s amazing. What did your mom say?”
“I haven’t talked to her yet.”
“You haven’t talked to her since you went to meet Cecilia?”
I nod. “Lucy, don’t you think your mom is dying to know how things went?”
“I’m sure she is. But wouldn’t you assume she’d know I’ve been dying to meet her my whole life?”
“Probably. I’m sure she struggled with the decision. But don’t you think she did what she thought was best?”
“I honestly don’t know. She said she and my dad didn’t want to derail my progress. If anything, hearing about her would’ve helped. It makes me wonder whose best interests they had in mind.”
“I have to think as parents they would put your needs first. I know your mom and I have to believe her heart was in the right place. Maybe she was scared of losing you. Have you ever thought about that?”
“No. I haven’t. Why would she think she’d lose me?”
“Because maybe she doesn’t know the depth of your love for her. You’ve never told her.”
She’s right. I’m thirty-four years old and I’ve never told my parents I love them. How wrong is that? Saying “me too” and “I love you” aren’t the same.
“Talk to her,” Melanie says.
“I will. So…”
“So.”
“I’m sorry, Melanie. I don’t know how else to say it. I know you don’t believe me, but I swear there was never anything between us until that night. I know I should’ve told you from the beginning. But you were so into him. And you’re not the kind of person who fell for a new guy every week. So when I saw the two of you together that first time, my instinct was to protect you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I had James and thought he could make me happy. And he did. But just not in the same way. I never set out to hurt you, in fact, it was the opposite.”
She’s quiet, so I give her time to process my apology.
“Remember that guy, Gavin, who I dated sophomore year?” she asks.
“Yeah, the poet. I remember him because he was the first guy you fell for that I thought had potential. You were so into him.”
“I remember coming home one day and you guys were talking. He was reciting something he had written. He never showed me his work. But I told him you liked to write poetry, too. So I chalked it up to that. You should’ve seen the way he was looking at you. It’s as if I wasn’t even in the room. Then when I realized what he was saying, I knew his words weren’t meant for me.”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“You were oblivious. But it was always like that. He never looked at me the way he looked at you. That’s been the case with us. I’ve always played second fiddle.”
“What do you mean? That’s just one example. And you were probably seeing something that wasn’t there.”
“No. You were always the one the guys wanted.”
“What are you talking about? You were the one with all the boyfriends.”
“But they wanted you first. I saw it in their eyes, in their expression when they were trying to get your attention. You didn’t see it, but I did. You were inaccessible, though. So then they noticed me. And now here we are again. I’m coming in second.”
I ball my napkin in frustration. It’s baffling how she could interpret the same scenario so differently. People were always drawn to Melanie. She’s like this bright ball of energy, and I’m her shadow, watching from the wings. The difference is I’m content being there.
“Melanie, I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re the one people gravitate toward. You have this warmth and openness about you that draws people in. You’re outgoing and funny and kind. I know I’m closed off and opposite you in every way. I have no clue why you befriended me all those years ago. But I swear to you that you’ve always been the most important person in my life. You’ve never been in second place. That’s what made the decision so hard. And it’s why I chose you.”
“I just can’t get past that you lied to me.”
“What would you have done? Had the roles been reversed, and you were heartbroken over some guy I was dating. Would you have told me? Knowing full well I would have broken up with him immediately upon finding out. Because that’s what you would have done. And I didn’t want that for you.”
“I honestly don’t know. It’s hard to put myself in that situation knowing the outcome. But one thing I do know is I would’ve told you. And we would’ve figured out a solution together.”
“I’m sorry. It’s hard to verbalize the depths of my regret. I know what I did was wrong. It seemed right in the beginning, and then I was in so deep I didn’t see a way out. I wish I could take it back. But I can’t. It will always be there between us. But I hope someday with time you can forgive me.”
“I hope so too.”
“I’ll always want you a part of my life, Mel. No matter how small. I’ll take whatever you can give.”
She nods.
“There’s one more thing,” she says as she fidgets with the sleeve of her coffee cup. “I should apologize to you too. I lied when I said Luke told me I made him want to be a better man. He never said those things to me. Trish told me.”
“I know.”
“You know?”
“Yeah, she told me.”
“Oh, I’m surprised you haven’t brought it up.”
“I understand why you did it.”
“I guess I was tired of living in your shadow. In that moment I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. And I knew that by saying it, I would plant a seed of doubt about his feelings for you. But most of all, I hoped by saying it, it would be the end for the two of you.”
I suspected that was the case. It pains me hearing her admit it out loud, that she intentionally wanted to make me suffer. But I’m willing to move past it. I accept that neither of us is perfect—no friendship is. I’m not looking for perfection. I just want some semblance of what we had. It’s rare to find a true friend who knows you better than you know yourself. One who loves and accepts you for all your qualities, both good and bad. And I also know it’s rare to share a history that runs as deep as ours. So even if we could hold onto a small part of it, that would be enough.
“It was the end of us. I told Luke I didn’t trust him. It was a deal-breaker.”
She sighs.
“I thought hearing that would make me happy. But it doesn’t. It makes me sad for the both of us. We’ve already lost so much. What was it all for?”
“I don’t know.”
“I won’t ever condone what you did. But on some level I understand why you did it. I’m sorry,” she says.
“I forgive you,” I say extending my hand as a peace offering.
She doesn’t take it.
“I’m just not there yet. I’m sorry.”
Her words sting. But I didn’t come in expecting everything would be solved over one coffee.
“I understand. Maybe we could get together again sometime? Like next month?”
She nods. “I’d like that.”
We leave, her walking in one direction, and me another. But it’s progress.
I call my mom on my way to work.
“Lucy. It’s so good to hear your voice.”
“Hi, Mom. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“No, honey. I’m the one who’s sorry. I should’ve known how important it was to you to meet her. To know where you came from. I shouldn’t have withheld that from you. What’s she like?”
I tell my mom about our visit and the butterfly mural.
“You always did love butterflies. I started your collection when you were just six years old.”
“You did? I don’t remember that.”
“You were so enamored with them. I said you were like a butterfly. They seem so delicate, but they must be so strong to break free from their cocoons.”
I like that analogy.
“Well honey, I should go. Are you sure you don’t want to come home for Thanksgiving?”
I’m about to say no because I was just home. But I change my mind. “You know what, Mom? I’d love to.” And before she has a chance to say it first, I tell her the words I’ve never been able to. “I love you, Mom. I always have.”
I hear a choked sob and then she says, “I know you do. I know you do, sweetheart. And I love you. So much.”
I’m about to hang up but then she says, “Whatever happened with Melanie and that boy you told me about?”
“Melanie and I are working on things. Luke doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“So make him. Don’t let him get away.”
Luke’s words echo in my ears. Sometimes the best things are what you need to fight hardest for. I’m not done fighting for us yet, Luke. Far from it.