In Search of Mr. Anonymous by J B Glazer (38)

Chapter 37

Lucy

I’ve been thinking a lot about fate and if our actions can change what’s meant to be. Even though it was years ago, I remember my conversation with Marci, the fortune teller from Taylor’s Sweet Sixteen, with complete clarity. She told me I’d lose something precious. It’s funny, my whole life I’ve been terrified of that premonition. It shaped both me as a person and my career path. Essentially I became highly organized, thinking I could prevent the inevitable. But I always thought she meant I’d lose something. A piece of jewelry, my journal—all things. I would never have anticipated that she actually meant someone. She didn’t want to tell me the truth. I still remember her hesitation and the look on her face when she held my necklace. The necklace to which Melanie had the other half. Could it have already been written in the stars back then? I guess things were always meant to happen this way. Maybe she figured it was unavoidable, so when I pressed her she told me. I don’t know why she’d reveal that information to a highly impressionable sixteen year-old girl. I think she realized her mistake by my full-on panic. So to soften the blow she said it would find its way back to me. What she didn’t tell me is that I’d lose it—again. Perhaps that was where her fear stemmed from. How could she have told me I was destined to lose not once, but twice?

It’s a cruel twist of fate. Having something you want so badly right in front of you, but knowing it can never be yours. I’ve lost all right. Not only my lover, but my best friend. I’ve lost everything that matters most.

Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. I’ve played with every verb that ends in “ed.” Tortured. Destroyed. Shattered. Wrecked. I’m all of those things. The weeks pass and I go through the motions of life. Waking up, going to work, buying groceries. But it’s as though I’m in a fog and all the edges are blurred. I assume it’s because I try not to focus too hard on anything. I’d rather float by and keep my interactions to a minimum. I haven’t told anyone about my situation. I’m sure Trish suspects something because I’ve made excuses every time she’s called to get off the phone. I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Because to admit it out loud would make it real.

I sit in my apartment and stare at the blank walls. At my butterfly collection, which used to bring me joy. I stare at the Palos Verdes Blue that James gave me. It’s ironic that I tried to get rid of it, yet here it is again. A survivor. But I sure don’t feel like one. I have nothing left to fight for. I’ve tried reaching out to Melanie. She refuses to see me. My calls and texts go ignored. I showed up at her apartment and she wouldn’t let me in. I don’t know what to do. So for now I’m giving her space. But I’m not giving up on her.

Work is my only respite. I can get lost in the monotony of my routine and do my tasks without thinking. I need that because I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts. They remind me that I had a chance to do the right thing. That’s what I set out to do, in the beginning. I was motivated by trying to do right by Melanie, but everything turned out so wrong.

Don’s called a meeting to review plans for Rob and Veronica’s wedding. I didn’t realize Trish would be coming in person, so I’m surprised to see her in the conference room. I attempt to stay focused, but my mind keeps drifting. I sense her eyes on me as I doodle broken hearts and butterflies in my planner. Afterward she follows me to my desk.

“What’s going on?” she asks as she plants herself in a chair. I hope she doesn’t plan on staying long.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been ignoring me.”

“I have?” I say as I put some papers in my file.

“Yeah, ya have.”

“Sorry. I’ve just been busy with the last minute Robica details.”

“OK. Let’s hang out after work. Catch up.”

“I can’t. I’ll be here late tonight.” I boot up my computer, hoping she’ll take the hint.

“Tomorrow then,” she says as she stands up.

“Fine,” I say to get her off my back.

After work I head home and attempt to ignore the dishes in the sink, the mail that’s accumulating on my counter, and the pile of clothes that need to go to the dry cleaner. It’s so unlike me to leave a mess, but I don’t have the energy to deal with them. Instead I throw on a pair of pajamas and pop a bowl of popcorn, which is dinner tonight. Just as I turn on the TV there’s a knock at the door. I have a full on anxiety attack, but when I look through the peephole it’s only Trish.

“I thought we were doing something tomorrow,” I say as I open the door.

“And I thought you had to work late. Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Normally I’d freak out if someone saw such a mess. Well, normally there’d never be one in the first place.

“Now you’re going to tell me what’s going on,” she says.

“Why do you think something’s going on?”

“Come on, Luce. It’s just me. I know you. And I know something’s not right.”

She’s the first one who’s noticed. Or maybe she’s the first one who had the guts to call me out on it. Suddenly I can’t hold back any longer. I’ve been suffering in silence and the weight is too much to bear. I burst into tears.

Trish seems shocked, but she leads me to the couch and puts her arms around me. She holds me while I cry, rubbing my back and saying things like, “It’ll get better.” I actually appreciate those words. I don’t know if they’re true. But I’m glad she didn’t tell me things will be OK. Because they won’t. Believe me, I’ve thought through every scenario. And there’s no fixing what I did. She hands me a tissue. “Blow,” she instructs. When my breathing calms down she asks me what happened. So I tell her the whole sordid story.

“I’m a terrible person. I’ve lost everyone I care most about.”

“First of all, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re not a terrible person. You just made a terrible mistake.”

“Choice,” I correct her. “Mistake implies it was an accident. And I knew full well what I was doing when I agreed to let Luke in.”

“OK. So you made a bad choice. We all do sometimes even though it’s not what we set out to do. And as for losing everyone,” Trish continues, “you haven’t lost me.”

“Sorry, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I wish you would’ve told me sooner. I could’ve helped you through this. You shouldn’t have to do it alone.”

I shrug. “I guess I felt like I didn’t deserve it. But thank you for being here and always supporting me. It means a lot. I’m so lucky I have you.”

I rest my head on her shoulder as tears slide silently down my cheeks. It’s cathartic to unload my feelings to someone.

“Luce, I’m not sure if you want to hear this. But there’s something you should know.”

“What is it?” I hastily wipe my tears as I sit up and face her.

“After things ended that first weekend you spent with Luke I was really worried about you. Melanie was too and she reached out to me. She arranged for me and some of her friends to meet and come up with a plan. You know, to brainstorm ideas to help you through it. After everyone left she and I stayed and talked for a while. We shared tidbits you had told us about Luke, trying to make sense of what happened. I told her about what he said, about wanting to be a better man for you. She knew. I think Luke was telling the truth.”

“Oh my God.” My mind is reeling. “Luke was telling the truth. Melanie lied to me. “I can’t believe she flat out lied. Well, I guess I can considering what I did. But now I’ve blown it with him.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. He asked me to trust him and I said no. He once told me he could never be with someone who didn’t put their trust in him. It’s a deal breaker. Those were his exact words.”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out. You need to talk to him. Apologize.”

“What if he won’t accept?”

“Then at least you know you tried.”

I nod.

After Trish leaves I clean up then head out for a walk. Walking always clears my head. I can’t believe Melanie lied to me. I know I lied too, but my intent was to prevent her from getting hurt. Her lie was to deliberately hurt me. Even though it was malicious on her part, on some level I understand why she did it. I think about Luke and know I have to reach out to him. He looked so hurt when I said I didn’t trust him. Hurt is putting it mildly—broken is more fitting. Once again, I chose Melanie over him. But not this time.

When he asked me what I saw when I thought about my future, my answer is him. It was always Luke. I know I’ll never find another man who I have that kind of connection with. He’s my soulmate. There will never be another man like him, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can never measure up. I’d be settling, and when it comes to love I don’t want to settle. It’s funny how I spent so much time searching for him, knowing nothing and yet everything about him. And now that I’ve found him, I don’t want to let him go. I can’t help the way my heart feels. But I can control my actions, and they’ve ultimately led me in this direction.

I have to believe the three of us aren’t meant to be unhappy. Life is filled with hardships and difficult choices. I had the right intentions when I made my choice, but it was the wrong one.

I don’t know if Melanie will ever forgive me. But I could never forgive myself if I let Luke walk away.

People say all’s fair in love and war. But what if you unknowingly marched into battle against your best friend? What then? And what happens when the enemy turns out to be you?