Chapter 30
Lucy
It was a long weekend and I welcome the distraction of work come Monday. As I’m booting up my laptop I notice the message light flashing on my phone. I put on my headset and discover I have only one. And it’s from him.
“We need to talk. Meet me at our Starbucks at seven.”
That’s it. He didn’t even leave me his number, which came up as blocked. Probably so I couldn’t call him back and tell him I have no intention of meeting him, which I don’t. What if I had something going on tonight anyway? Why does he assume I’m free? I am, but that’s beside the point. The hours tick by slowly. Suddenly the clock is my enemy. By noon my stomach is so full of knots I can hardly eat. All this time I’ve been looking for answers. Now I have the chance to get them. As much as I’d love to tell him to F-off, I need to know, especially now that he’s dating Melanie.
Melanie. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Luke is her boyfriend. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to get used to the idea. Or if there will ever come a time when seeing them together doesn’t make me physically ill.
I spend the afternoon waffling back and forth on my decision. As much as I want answers, the thought of seeing him again fills me with dread. The humiliation of his rejection still stings. It’s hard to grasp that he misled me, but I’m angry that I allowed myself to get swept up in emotions. Me, the girl who’s always in control decided to let go and got burned. Never again. I head to the bathroom to freshen up. My hands are shaking as I pull a brush through my hair. Determined not to let him know he got under my skin, I take several deep breaths and push down the last traces of nervousness. He’s going to get cool, calm and collected Lucy, the version he met before I let him past my walls.
I arrive ten minutes late but he’s there, waiting for me at a table outside. My heart hammers in my chest and I break out into a cold sweat, cursing my body for betraying me. He stands up when he catches my eye and I cross my arms as I make my way toward him. We stare at one another as I approach, those soulful eyes of his imploring me to understand things I’m not ready to forgive. The feelings I tried so hard to bury resurface, and the pain is just as raw as it was the day I realized he was never coming back. He offers a sheepish smile and he hands me a coffee—a tall skim latte—my drink of choice.
“How about we take a walk?” he says.
“Fine.”
It’s then I notice the dog at his feet.
“This is Martin,” he says. “Full name, Chris Martin.”
I want to laugh that he named his dog after Coldplay’s front man. But our situation is anything but funny. “I thought you once said you didn’t do well taking care of living things.” My tone is accusatory and I realize it will be hard to mask my hostility.
“I don’t. But after you left I found myself in need of a companion.”
“After I left? You might want to rephrase that.”
“Sorry, after things ended. But that’s why I asked you here. To explain.”
I don’t say anything. Instead I sip my coffee and keep my eyes straight ahead.
He stops walking and puts his hand on my arm. “Lucy, please just hear me out.”
I yank my arm away and say, “So start explaining.”
“I was delirious when I left your apartment. I was going on little sleep, I had a big meeting I hadn’t prepared for, but all I could think about was you. I took out my phone to check my messages, but I must’ve fallen asleep. The driver woke me when he was in front of my office. I was so out of it that I got out of the cab but left my phone behind. I called the cab company but they never found it. I got a new one that day, but your number wasn’t in my contacts. I guess it didn’t have time to get backed up in the cloud or whatever. That’s what the sales guy kept explaining to me when I was frantic about not seeing you under ‘A.’ I scrolled through every letter, but there was nothing. No trace of you.”
I cross my arms, unmoved by his speech. “So that’s your excuse? That you lost my number?”
“It’s not an excuse! It’s the truth. I didn’t know your name. I didn’t know where you worked. I knew nothing about how to find you. So I went to your apartment building. Every day for a week. I asked your doorman about you. His name was George. He wasn’t happy that I couldn’t tell him your name or unit number. I only knew what floor you lived on, but by then he was suspicious. He told me if he saw me hanging out around the building again he’d call the cops. I went to our Starbucks, I went to Cusp, hoping you’d try to find me there. I went to The Tin. I tried, Lucy. I swear to God I tried. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, but I know I did. And now I plan to spend every single day making it up to you.”
I want to believe him. But he could be lying to placate me knowing I’m friends with Melanie.
“Lucy, if there’s one thing I’ve never been good at it’s acting. I can’t fake the depth of my feelings for you. And I know you felt it too.”
I close my eyes to think. He knows George! George wasn’t working the weekend he was at my apartment. And I spent most nights that week working late because I didn’t want to face going home alone. So it’s plausible I wouldn’t have seen him hanging around the building. Oh my God. He’s telling the truth! I can’t believe he was searching for me too. That’s why George offered to punch him out. He’d never seen me with a guy before, but I thought nothing of his comment. All this time I’ve made up endless scenarios about what could’ve happened. Losing my number was never one of them. Of course I had to be coy and suggest we keep things anonymous. If I had given him my name he could’ve found me and we wouldn’t be in this predicament.
“Say something. Please.”
“I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m still processing the fact that you didn’t willingly walk away.”
He takes a step closer so he’s standing right in front of me. “I would never willingly walk away from you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“What about Melanie?”
“Melanie who?”
“I’m serious, Luke.”
“So am I. There’s no one but you.”
I let out a frustrated sigh.
“I’ll break up with her right now.”
“No! You can’t do that,” I insist as I shake my head.
“What do you mean?” He looks confused.
“You can’t break up with her. She’s in love with you.”
“But I’m in love with you.”
His confession takes my breath away. I’m shocked by his words, this man that I dreamt about reuniting with for so long. And how I wished they were true, and that his feelings matched mine. But now that he’s said the words out loud, I want nothing more than for him to take them back. We can’t go down this road.
“Don’t you see? It’s a sign,” I whisper.
“What’s a sign?”
“All this. We’re not meant to be together. The night you two met, I was supposed to be there. I asked Melanie to go in my place because I wasn’t up to attending a party. If I had gone like I was supposed to, none of this would’ve happened.”
“Lucy, no—”
“Look. I’m with James now. And I’ve never seen Melanie happier. Promise me you won’t break up with her over this.”
“I can’t. Do you know it tortures me? Knowing that another man is putting his hands on you. I keep picturing him kissing you. Touching you. And I want to slam my fist into a fucking wall.” His jaw tenses and his hands clench into fists at his sides. He takes a minute to compose himself. “You were supposed to be mine,” he says in a gentler tone.
“But I’m not.” The sad reality is I never was. “Please, Luke. Promise me you won’t hurt Melanie,” I say more forcefully. “It’s the only thing I’ll ever ask of you.”
He rakes a hand through his hair and paces the sidewalk.
Martin thinks it’s a fun game, which only seems to heighten Luke’s irritation.
“You don’t know what you’re asking of me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not sorrier than I am. Why would you want her to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love her?”
“Because Melanie’s never found happiness. I had it, even it was only brief. And she deserves that. She’s happy with you. So please try to stick things out, if not for her then for me.”
“You’re putting me in a horrible position. I’m the kind of person who sees things in black and white. Lying to her is wrong. Period.”
“But us getting together at her expense is also wrong. This isn’t so clear cut, Luke. Sometimes you need to realize there are shades of gray in between. Please, do this for me.”
“For the record I don’t agree with it. But fine. I’ll stay with her—for now. But only because you asked me to.”
“Thank you. I know I’m asking a lot.”
“Not a lot. Everything.”
I think a small light inside of me just died.
He’s still pacing. It’s making me more nervous, if that’s even possible. He stops and stands in front of me, so close that he’s invading my personal space. I take a step back. He’s already taking up too much space in my head.
“So are things serious with you and James?”
“They could be.”
I hear his sharp intake of breath.
“How do we do this? Go on pretending like nothing happened?”
“That’s exactly what we do,” I say.
“Don’t you think it would be better to tell the truth?”
He presses the point again but I stand firm.
“No. I know Melanie and it would kill her.”
“But what about you?”
“I’ll survive.”
“I don’t know that I will,” he says. “Goodbye, Lucy.” And with that he walks away, leaving me to ponder his words.