Chapter 41
Lucy
The weeks pass and I’ve had no word from Luke. It’s been awful. I’ve left countless messages. All have gone unreturned. My phone rings and I’m filled with the same hopeful feeling only to be disappointed when I check the Caller ID. It’s the front desk letting me know I’ve received a package. I head downstairs to the mail room and there’s a large box waiting that’s marked “FRAGILE.” I look at the return address label and it’s from Cecilia. What did she send me?
I borrow a luggage cart to bring it upstairs. Then I impatiently cut away the tape, desperate to know the contents that are inside. I undo layers of bubble wrap to discover the canvas painting that was hanging in her room: the one of the Palos Verdes Blue butterflies. I fetch a hammer and rummage around my office drawer for a nail. I can’t believe I have one. I step back as I admire the canvas painting that now hangs above my bed. My first piece of art, and it’s perfect.
I look at the butterflies and realize they needed each other to survive. If there was only one it never would have been able to last on its own. Everyone thought they had disappeared. That they were done for. But now an entire species remains. I like to think there were two of them left. Two lost souls who found each other. And out of their strength came an entire population.
They had an epic ending to their story. I wish I could say my ending with James was different. I hate how we left things. I decide I need to change that. If I call him I know he won’t answer. I have a lot to say, more than I could leave on a voice message. I should write him a letter. He’s a good man and I need him to know the impact he had on my life.
Dear James,
I’m sorry doesn’t begin to describe the depths of my regret. I know I hurt you deeply and I have to live with that. But you didn’t deserve it—any of it. When we met I was in a dark place. I was burned by Luke and it left me feeling cynical and jaded. But you managed to see past all that to what lies beneath. You chipped away at my armor until there was nothing left of the wall that I built. A wall to my heart. I let you in, not because you asked, but because I chose to. You earned that place and that spot in my heart will always be filled by you.
When we were together I realized happiness is possible. Piece by piece, you brought me back to life. Until there was only one piece that remained untouchable. I wish I could’ve given it to you. You deserve more. So much more than what I could give.
Every relationship leaves its mark. We go into the next with all the baggage of our prior relationships. I wish we could have started with a clean slate. If we had things would have been different. That’s what I want for you. To start with a clean slate. Don’t let my baggage weigh you down. You have so much heart to give. I hope I only took a little piece with me.
As for Melanie, I know you think I lied to protect myself. But I lied to protect her. I wanted her to find happiness, even at the expense of my own. I’m not making my actions out to be noble, but I wanted you to know I was trying to do the right thing by her. I know now that it wasn’t. And it wasn’t right by you either. When you said I was more worried about Melanie finding out than hurting you, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Because I owe you everything. You helped put me back together. You were the best kind of medicine. But I never treated the root of the problem. It’s a journey I need to go through on my own. I’ve realized we can’t rely on others to fix us. We first need to fix ourselves. And I’m trying. I’ve been trying.
I want you to take all the qualities I love about you and embrace them. Keep your heart open. Don’t let how things ended between us guide your path. Because it’s not the one you’re meant for.
Thank you for everything. And for the forgiveness I hope you’ll someday find in your heart for me.
Lucy
I decide to include a poem. It’s called Sandcastles. It’s about two friends who meet at the beach. They want to build the biggest sandcastle ever. They decide in order for it to stand tall it needs a deep foundation. So they spend the first few days digging. Day after day they meet to work on it, until the sandcastle is taller than the two of them. They are overjoyed until a storm rolls in. All of their hard work is threatened, but there’s no way to protect it. The friends come back the next day to survey the damage. The sandcastle is gone, wiped out completely. One friend leaves, taking her disappointment with her. But the boy’s family stays on. A few days later he makes a new friend. She too wants to build a sandcastle. The boy doesn’t want to, says it’s too much work. But look, she tells him. We can build one right here. She points to the very spot where the old sandcastle stood. She brushes aside the top layer of sand to reveal the deep trench that lies beneath. You see? There’s already a foundation. The boy picks up his shovel and digs.
I wish it were enough. I know it isn’t. Words can never do justice to let him know how much I regret hurting him. But it’s a start. I hope it will lead to a fresh start for him too. Give him some closure so he can heal. I head to the mailbox and drop the letter in the slot. I close my eyes and picture James’s face as he reads it. He might not want to, but I know that he will. He’ll still be upset with me, but maybe he’ll understand me better. And understanding is the first step toward forgiveness. I should know. I’ve been working on it. The first person I need to forgive is me. As I told James, we need to start with ourselves. I’ve been looking inward, doing a lot of soul searching. I’ve come to realize I never could’ve anticipated how my actions would lead to this outcome. I’ve been beating myself up over it, but I never set out to hurt people. I can’t change the past. But I can change my outlook, which might change my future. I had good intentions. I tried to protect those that I love. I know now it wasn’t the right thing to do. Sometimes the truth hurts. And that’s the most painful lesson of all.
I’ve also forgiven Cecilia. I understand she did what she thought was right, just like me. I don’t agree with her decision, but I understand it. She thought it was the only way. And sometimes when we’re stuck we can’t look at the big picture. It’s hard to see all the choices that are in front of us. We only see one.
I resented her for leaving me. I resented her for not being strong enough to stay. My whole life I’ve carried those feelings of anger and resentment. I allowed them to grow and fester, until they were so big they took over. Love and hate became one, entwined together that I didn’t know how to have one without the other. They became an integral part of me and I could no longer imagine a future without them.
I allowed Cecilia’s choices to define me. But I now realize my choices define who I am, and who I want to be. Life is a series of choices. It’s the decisions we make that shape our character. I’ve made my share of wrong decisions. Now I need to make it right. Specifically, I need to make things right with Luke. I’m ready to embrace a chance with him. I wasn’t strong enough before. But I am now.
Not hearing from him has been pure agony. I decide to drop by his office again. Demand that he talk to me.
I head over after work this time. I know he usually works late and figure I won’t be as rushed. When I walk in Cynthia looks up from her computer, surprised to see me.
“I need to speak with Luke.”
“He’s not in.”
“I’ll make an appointment. I just really need to see him. Please.”
“Lucy, have you not heard the news?”
I stare at her blankly.
“He doesn’t work here anymore. He quit.”
“Oh. I hadn’t heard. Do you know where I can find him?”
“WH Media Holdings. He went back to work with his dad.”
Well I’ll be damned.
I walk the few blocks to where I parked my car. As I drive toward the West Loop I think about all the things I want to say to Luke. I can’t believe he went back to his dad’s company. He hated his dad. It gives me an ounce of hope. If he can forgive him maybe he can forgive me. For someone who sees things in absolutes, maybe he’s realizing there are shades of gray after all. I re-park then head into the lobby. WH Holdings is on the twenty-fifth floor. It’s already after six and no one is at the front desk. “Hello?” I call out as I wander down the hall. There’s a light on in the corner office. I poke my head in and Warren is at his desk.
“Lucy! What a surprise.”
“I’m sorry to drop in like this. I was looking for Luke.”
“Luke’s out of town. His first week on the job and he’s already taking the bull by the horns. Trying to close a big deal. Sit,” he says, indicating the chair opposite his desk.
“What a beautiful view,” I comment, looking at the city of lights behind me.
“I bet you didn’t come for the views.”
“No, I didn’t. I came to apologize to your son. He won’t return any of my calls. I don’t know what to do.”
“Luke can be very stubborn.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, how did you do it? How did you get him to forgive you?”
“I gave him the one thing he wanted. My company. Told him he could have it, I’d step down and retire. And I meant it. Every word.”
“Wow. So why didn’t he just absorb it like he planned?”
“He came to see me. He had the papers signed and in his hand. He asked me what I was going to do. I already told him: golf, travel, see the world. And then I told him there was no point in me being here without him. My goal in building this company was to one day hand it over to my son. I didn’t do all this for me,” he says with a sweeping gesture. “I did it for him.”
“But what about Patrick?”
“Luke asked the same thing. Patrick is sharp, don’t get me wrong. He’s smart and studious and good with people. But he doesn’t have what it takes to be a leader. He can’t make decisions when the going gets tough. And let me tell you, it often does. He lets emotion get in the way. Luke knows how to keep things separate. And he’s ruthless. When he wants something, there’s no stopping him.
“I told him all that and he said, ‘Dad, what if I wanted it back?’”
“And I said, ‘then rip up those papers you’re holding and it’s yours.’”
“He looked me in the eye and ripped the contract to shreds. Dialed up his boss and quit on the spot right then and there. Walked away from a seventy-five million dollar opportunity because he said he saw a bigger one here. And by that I don’t think he meant the profits. As I said, he makes tough decisions and doesn’t look back.”
“What about you? Are you staying on?”
“For now. We’re in transition.”
“Good. I’m glad you two have an opportunity to reconnect.”
“And what about you? Seems as though you’re trying to do the same.”
“Unsuccessfully. Luke showed up at my apartment a little while ago. One thing led to another and Melanie found out about it. She told me Luke said some things to her, very personal things he also told me. It made me doubt whether his feelings were genuine or if this was all a game to him. He asked me to trust him. But I couldn’t. And now I’ve lost his. What should I do?”
“Ahh, this was never my area of expertise. But if I know one thing about Luke, he’s stubborn. So he’s likely not listening to a word you say. All he’s hearing is, ‘you don’t trust me.’ So like with the contract, you need to show him.”
“Show him?”
He nods.
I ask about his health and he tells me he’s going to be fine. I’m glad to hear it, and that he and Luke are reconciling.
“I should probably be going,” I tell him.
He walks me out and I thank him for talking to me.
“Anytime. I hope things work out between you. I’d really like a grandchild.” He winks at me as the elevator doors close.
Show him.
I know what I have to do.
I stop at the post office on my way home. Once I have the supplies I need I pop over to Café Lucci and pick up dinner. My mind is reeling with thoughts of what I want to say. After I’ve eaten I sit down in my office and once again I write out a note, this time to Luke. Then I slip the note inside my package and wrap it up. I debate whether I should send it to his work or home address. I decide home. I’d rather he read it when I have his full attention. And there are always distractions at the office.
I head downstairs and walk to the package collection box near the mailroom. I peer inside and while it’s dark, I can make out other packages in there. The package is in my hand but I hesitate before dropping it in. Can I really do this? I can’t. It’s too much. I walk back toward the elevators but stop. I know if I don’t send it I’ll always regret it. Even if my attempt doesn’t work, at least I’ll know I tried. I can live with that. I open the door and drop the package in. I watch it as it slides down into the bin below. There’s no turning back now. This is my final shot. If I don’t hear from him after this, I’ll surrender. Because it doesn’t get any bigger than this. If he doesn’t realize I trust him after receiving the package, he never will.