Chapter 27
Lucy
Things hit a turning point after James’s cousin’s wedding. It’s not because I met his family. I opened up to him about my desires. Sex with Mr. Anonymous was insanely good. I was wild and free and did things I never thought I was capable of doing, or wanting. Being intimate with him was different from all my previous experiences, and it made me discover things about myself. With James I’ve been more reserved. I thought that’s what he expected from me. But I’ve also been holding back. When I got tipsy it just came out. I admitted he doesn’t need to be so gentle with me. And I’m glad to say he obliged. I think he was surprised that I liked it rough. That’s not to say I don’t like it when he’s romantic and makes love to me. But sometimes I want to let go of my restraint and have passion take over. I want to be in the moment and so filled with lust that I lose all control. It’s the only time I’m willing to relinquish it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with James. Mainly, am I in love with him? The answer isn’t that simple. In my Psych 101 class I remember learning about the triangular theory of love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed there are three components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Each relationship is based on different combinations of these three elements, with the most successful having at least two out of the three. I know the commitment is there, and we’re definitely intimate. Where I struggle is with passion. I think it could be there. I got a glimpse of it this weekend. But there’s something—or someone—that’s been holding me back. I know I haven’t fully given myself over to James. Put my trust in him, or myself for that matter, and just be free to surrender to my desires. The last time I totally gave myself over to someone backfired. And I’m scared to let it happen again.
Do I think I could have all three with James? Yes. But I also didn’t choose to give myself over to Mr. Anonymous. He willingly took from me. And I let him. So I have to ask myself, why won’t I let James? And the answer is because he’s not him. He has everything going for him except that he’s not Mr. Anonymous.
I know he never will be. So I need to let go of Mr. Anonymous if I ever want to have a relationship with anyone else.
I call Melanie to tell her about my weekend with James.
“I’m near your place,” she says. “Can I come up?”
“Of course!”
She knocks on my door a few minutes later.
“What were you doing by me?”
“I had lunch with Sydney and I was on my way back from dropping her off.”
I fill her in on the wedding and meeting James’s family.
“I can’t believe you met his family. That’s huge. I realize it was because of a wedding, but I’m happy for you.”
“I want you to meet him.” I know I’ve already introduced him to Trish. But that was only because they just happened to be in the same place we were. This is different.
“Lucy, I would love nothing more!”
I let out a relieved breath. Not that I ever thought she’d say no. But now it’s out there. And this is a big step for me. Melanie knows it.
“I’d love for you to meet Luke too,” she says. “We can make it a double-date.”
“Can you believe in all the years we’ve been friends we’ve never been on a double date?”
“I know. Crazy,” she agrees. “Although you don’t date much, and well, you know my track record.”
“Sounds like things are changing. I assume things are going well with you guys.”
“Amazing. Whatever doubt I had is gone. He’s confident, charming, charismatic, and passionate. He’s one of those guys who knows what he wants and goes for it. It’s sexy as hell. Hell, he’s sexy as hell. And very good in that department. Good doesn’t do him justice. He does this thing with his tongue—”
“Eww. Don’t say any more.”
She laughs. “Sorry, I’m just head over heels in love with him.”
My eyes grow wide at her revelation. I didn’t know things between them were this serious. “Really? You never told me.”
“I know. But you’ve been in such a fragile state that I didn’t want to say anything. And even though you’ve been with James you still seemed unsure. I didn’t want to talk about my relationship until I knew you felt secure with yours.”
“Mel, you can always talk to me about what’s going on in your life.”
“I know. But things are different this time. He’s different. I think he could be The One.”
“Oh my God. How do you know?”
“I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. You know me. I always have crushes. But this time I’ve fallen. Hard. And when I think about my future, I picture him in it.”
“This is a huge step.”
“For us both,” she says.
“I’m so happy for you,” I say as I lay my hand over hers. Especially in light of her parents’ recent separation, I’m glad she still believes in love. Tears well up in my eyes and I do my best to hold them back. But when I look at Melanie her eyes are moist as well.
She pulls me in for a hug and for once I hold on tight.
“I hope they like each other,” I mumble in her sleeve.
“They will,” she says confidently.
“How can you be so sure?”
We have great taste.”
We both laugh as I reach for a box of tissues.
Melanie texts me she and Luke are running a few minutes late. We decide to order our drinks because a few minutes for Melanie is really equivalent to twenty. James hands me my cosmopolitan and we try to scout out seats. Unfortunately there are no empty booths, so we carve out a space at the bar. At least we’re facing the door so we’ll be able to spot them when they arrive. James gets a text message and shakes his head.
“What?”
“It’s from Sawyer. Something to do with Megan and he wants my advice.”
“Everything OK?”
“I hope so. He’s been acting weird these past few months. I’ll deal with it later.”
He slides his phone back in his pocket then entertains me with a running commentary of the couples around us.
“And them,” he nods his chin toward a couple on my right. “First date. It’s not going well. Those two women over there, scouting potential sugar daddies.” He looks around. “Three o’clock. This is their third date and he’s hoping to get lucky.”
“Why do you think that?”
“She’s on her third drink and he’s on his first.”
“So.”
“So, he wants to be able to perform.”
I laugh and tell him he has great detective skills.
“Those aren’t my only skills,” he says as he leans in close.
“I know.” I whisper in his ear that he can show me his skills later. He smiles at me like I’ve made him the luckiest guy in the world, and I can’t help but smile back. In that moment, I feel truly happy. Somehow he’s managed to chip away at the armor I’ve built. James has been nothing but patient, kind, and understanding. He’s warm and funny and I know he would never do anything to hurt me. For so long I’ve been comparing him to someone else. Someone who willingly let me go. I realize now I need to let go of this fantasy lover if I want to hold onto something real with James. And I do. He gave me space when I needed it and never put pressure on me for something I wasn’t ready to give. But now I am. For the first time in a long time I’m open to letting love in—with James. It just took me time to realize it.
“What are you smiling about?” he asks.
“You.”
“Oh, why’s that?”
“You make me happy.”
“You make me happy too, Lucy. In fact, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
“It’ll have to wait. Melanie just walked in. Told you, twenty minutes.”
Melanie spots me and heads in our direction, pulling Luke in tow. She looks radiant, and by that I mean her happiness is coming off her in waves. As for Luke, all I can tell is that he has a nice head of hair because I can only see the back of his head. He’s looking over his shoulder at the TV, likely trying to catch the score of the Cubs game. He turns around and our eyes meet. In that moment, time stops. The air leaves my lungs and I literally stop breathing. It’s as though someone hurled a bag of bricks at my chest and I’m suffocating beneath its weight. I squeeze my eyes shut and grip the bar for support. I try to quell the rising panic inside me by focusing on pulling air in and letting it out. I have to tell myself to breathe. Just breathe.
“Lucy?” James looks at me with concern and asks if I’m OK. I open my eyes and watch his lips moving, but it’s as if someone turned on a mute switch. I don’t hear a word he says. The room is spinning, but Melanie and Luke are in sharp focus, moving toward me as though in slow motion. My martini glass slips from my fingers, spraying tiny shards of glass in a pool at my feet. I don’t feel the slice as the jagged edge pierces my skin. I don’t feel the cold contents of my drink running down my leg. Or the warm trickle of blood the glass left in its wake. I don’t feel a thing. How can I when I’m numb?
“Lucy!” Melanie exclaims, rushing to my side. “Are you all right?”
No. I’ll never be all right again.
I’ve found him.
It’s Luke.
Luke
Is
Mr.
Anonymous.