In Search of Mr. Anonymous by J B Glazer (32)

Chapter 31

My second year at summer camp was better than the first. Melanie and I were in the same cabin again, and I was becoming friends with the other girls. We learned there was going to be a talent show and brainstormed ideas as a cabin about what we could do. Someone suggested a skit and everyone liked that idea. But we couldn’t agree on what it would be about. I came up with the idea of impersonating our counselors. Everyone thought it was a great idea, and I was put in charge of doing the writing. They saw me as some kind of expert. I wasn’t, but by then I had gotten more serious about it. And I took up writing poetry as well. I guess you could say Melanie inspired me.

I was so excited about the skit. It was like I came into my element. The script was really good, everyone told me so. I couldn’t wait until the talent show. Until that moment I hadn’t ever felt passionate about anything. It was a good feeling.

My parents would send me packages while we were away. Food wasn’t allowed, especially in the cabins. But I had complained to my mom about the food, so she would sneak me candy bars. When I opened a comic book I found a Hershey Bar taped to the inside. She did this often, and I always looked forward to her packages. Hershey Bars were my favorite. Melanie knew that. I didn’t tell anyone about the candy bars, not even Melanie. I would tuck them under my waistband and hide them until I got to the bathroom.

One afternoon mail came late, and I didn’t have time to eat the candy bar. So I left it on my bed hidden away inside a magazine. When we got back from activities there was a raccoon in our cabin. It found my candy bar and apparently invited some friends. Someone must’ve left the door open. Our cabin was a mess. The director was furious and said whoever was responsible would not be going to the talent show that evening. I was crushed. It was the first time my work was going to be on display, so to speak, and I wouldn’t be there to see it.

The director held up the now torn Hershey Bar wrapper.

“Who’s is this?” she asked.

Her question was met with silence. My heart pounded inside my chest. It seemed so loud I worried she could hear it. Melanie looked at me and the tears welling in my eyes.

“It’s mine,” she said.

I shook my head at her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize it was there. My mom must’ve sent it for my birthday.”

“You’ll stay here and clean all of this up, young lady.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I’ll help,” I offer.

“No. Melanie does this on her own.”

I felt terrible. We never spoke of the incident. But that day I learned a lot about loyalty.

Luke hasn’t contacted me since our meeting at Starbucks. He’s stayed true to his word and hasn’t mentioned anything to Melanie. I know Luke doesn’t understand. But he doesn’t have the faintest clue about how deep our friendship runs, and the lengths I’ll go to in order to protect it.

It’s been eating away at me, carrying around this secret. Melanie and I have no secrets between us. At least we didn’t. So I throw myself into work and focus on moving forward with James.

After Labor Day things pick up significantly. I’ve been so busy between Robica wedding details and the stream of new business that’s come in as a result of it. I’m not usually stressed, but my plate is full and the Luke/Melanie situation is wearing on me. I’m definitely hitting my limit. Melanie and I take an annual trip in November a few weeks before Thanksgiving. I decide now is a good time to plan where we’re going. And my ideal destination involves relaxation.

I text Melanie and she immediately suggests a beach vacation. I was thinking more along the lines of a spa getaway. I try to convince her to go to Aspen, as I always do. It’s a dream destination of mine, but Melanie wants to go somewhere warm. We settle on Arizona. There’s still beautiful mountain views, warmer weather, and plenty to do if we want to venture out. She volunteers to look into options, which is fine by me.

I can’t believe the Robica wedding is just under four months away. It’s my next major event, aside from my birthday. And that I don’t like to classify as a major event. I prefer to keep things as low-key as possible. It’s hard to believe I’ll be thirty-four in just a few weeks. James has already booked us a dinner reservation. He wouldn’t tell me where—he wanted it to be a surprise. James is a few years older than me. Frankly I’m surprised he hasn’t brought up our long-term plans. We’re both not getting any younger. And his brother Sawyer recently got engaged. Apparently that’s what he wanted to discuss with James that night at the bar: the proposal. I imagine it’s not far from James’s mind either. But perhaps he’s giving me the space that I asked for. When I picture my future I could see him as a part of it. But I feel as though I couldn’t commit right now if he asked. So I’m glad that he hasn’t.

My mind drifts back to my conversation with Dr. McGuire about freezing my eggs. I’ve never asked James if he wants kids. I’m sure that he does. Maybe I should’ve kept that literature. In theory I do want children though I worry about what kind of mother I’d be. James would make a great dad, of that I have no doubt. And I think Luke would too. Luke. Why do my thoughts always steer themselves in his direction? I wonder if he and Melanie have talked about their plans for the future. She hasn’t said anything, and I have no intention of asking. Some things are better left not knowing. Ignorance is bliss.

The following week Melanie calls me on my commute home.

“What are we doing for your birthday?” she wants to know.

“James is taking me to dinner. I’m not sure where though, he wants to make it a surprise.”

“I did say we. You didn’t think I’d let you off the hook. How about Luke and I join you? We haven’t all been out since the night I introduced you.”

“That’s true.” The thought of going on a double date and spending my birthday with both Luke and James fills me with dread. “What about something bigger?” I improvise. “We can rent out a room at Lyle’s Supper Club and do drinks and apps.”

“Really?”

“Why not? People at work have been bugging me about it too.”

“Luce, this is so unlike you. James has been pushing you out of your comfort zone. I love it,” Mel says. “What date are you thinking?”

“I have no clue. I’ll look into it and let you know. It will depend on when they have a room free.”

“Why don’t you call now and check availability? Hang on, I’ll just look up the number.”

I guess there’s no getting out of this one. Then it hits me. Trish and Luke cannot be in the same room together. She would see him with Melanie and the gig is up. Trish would surely recognize him from that night at The Tin. She’s the one who picked him out for me, after all. I trust Trish and could tell her, but I’m not ready to go there just yet. The fewer people I implicate in my lie the better. Now I have a dilemma. I already broached the topic with Melanie, but there’s no way I can have a party and not invite Trish.

“Luce, are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m just thinking about dates. I’ll call you right back.”

I pull up my schedule and realize Trish and Dax are going out of town at the end of September. I’ll have to plan it for when they’re in Mexico. I know she’ll be mad, but I’ll tell her that was the best date for me and we can celebrate another time. I call Lyle’s and check if they have availability on Thursday, September twenty-ninth. The room is free, so I book it. I call Melanie back to tell her the news.

“Great! I’m putting it in my calendar. Hopefully Luke won’t be tied up with work. He’s been so busy lately. I hardly see him. Now that I think of it, he said that he wanted to get to know you better.”

“Really? When?”

“Shortly after that night out when you got sick. And he asks about you from time to time. Did I ever tell you the double date was his idea?”

“No. I don’t think so.” I would’ve remembered.

“It was. We were looking at pictures and I pointed you out. He said he knew you were important to me and suggested we meet.”

“How thoughtful of him.”

“He is thoughtful. I think it’s cute he wants to get to know you because you’re my bestie. Some guys don’t care about that sort of thing, but I think he understands that knowing you is like an extension of knowing me. He’s coming by tonight to help me prepare for a big presentation. I should probably go. My place is a mess. Should I bother making my bed? It’s just going to get unmade. We’ve had a bit of a dry spell, but I intend to rectify that tonight.”

Not wanting to go there, I tell her I have to go too. We hang up and I try to push the thought of her and Luke hanging out at her apartment from my mind.

My birthday celebration has turned into a small bash, much to my chagrin. I ended up inviting Trish and Dax, who obviously declined, Don and Lucia, my work colleagues, and Lexi and Jake. When some of my vendors learned about it they essentially put themselves on the guest list. I normally don’t like big gatherings, but in this case the more people the better. I need buffers from Luke. It’s funny how I wanted to keep my birthday a low-key affair, and now I’ve resorted to throwing myself a party to avoid time with him. It’s a lot easier to justify my decision when I don’t have to face him. Seeing him is pure agony. It brings back memories of our weekend together. Memories I spent so long trying to forget. Now my head and my heart are in constant battle. I’m still trying to wrestle with my feelings. I really like James, but then there’s Luke. I’m with James and Melanie is with Luke. But Luke wants to be with me. Melanie is my oldest and dearest friend. So he’s untouchable. It was much easier hating him when I thought he abandoned me. But now I know he wanted to find me. As I said, seeing him is hard. So, we’re back to temptation. I guess it’s a theme with me and Luke.

If that means I have to throw myself a bash to avoid him, at least I was able to get a good deal. Trish has a connection at Lyle’s, which is why I thought of it. I’m limiting the bar options to wine and beer only and I’ll have an assortment of appetizers. And it being on a Thursday helps because I figure people will drink less if they have to go into work the next day. I was also firm in telling people no gifts. Their presence is the only gift I need.

A few nights before the party I get a call from a number I don’t recognize. I pad over to the bathroom so I don’t wake up James. Who’s calling me after midnight?

“Hello?”

“I miss you.”

It’s Luke.

“Luke, do you realize it’s after midnight?”

“Did I wake you?”

“Kind of.”

“Sorry. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Luke, please don’t do this.”

“I’m trying to stay away like you asked, but it’s so hard.”

His speech sounds slurred.

“Are you drunk?”

“No. I can handle my alcohol just fine. It’s not being with you that I can’t handle.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I miss you,” he says again.

I don’t say anything.

“I miss the way you smell. I miss the way you taste. I miss the moans you make when I touch you. The look on your face right before you come, and then when I made you come. God, I loved seeing you when you let your guard down. You bring me to my knees. I’d give anything to touch you again. Anything. Don’t let that be our last time together.”

“Luke, this is highly inappropriate.”

“It doesn’t have to be. While you may have asked me to stay away, you can’t take away my thoughts. And I think about you all the damn time. I try not to, but you’re in my head. Tell me it’s not one-sided. Do you ever think about me?”

I close my eyes.

“Remember what our agreement was. Only the truth.”

I remember.

“I don’t think I should answer that.” That’s as close to an admission as he’s going to get.

“We belong together. And you know it.”

Then he hangs up on me.

“Who was that?” James asks as I crawl back into bed.

“No one important.”

I close my eyes, but now sleep won’t come.

The night of the party dawns. Things are going well until he walks in. Mel runs over and envelops me in a hug. “Happy birthday!” she says, handing me a small wrapped package.

“You didn’t get the memo,” I joke, attempting not to look at Luke who is standing directly beside her.

“Of course those rules don’t apply to me.”

“Thanks,” I say, tucking it into my purse.

“Happy birthday, Lucy,” Luke echoes. And he too pulls me in for a hug. I try not to breathe—just the scent of him makes my mind go in a dangerous direction. His breath is warm in my ear and he wraps his arms around me tight so I can’t move. I close my eyes as a picture forms of my hands bound above me, hot wax dripping over my body, Luke’s breath a whisper on my skin. I quickly pull away. Being this close to him wreaks havoc on my body and my mind, but above all, my heart.

“Thanks. Why don’t you guys go get a drink?” I say, motioning to the bar. Anything to get him far away from me. I go find James and stay glued to his side while I mingle. He links his fingers with mine and I hold on tight. I try not to focus on Luke, but I’m acutely aware of where he is at all times. Our eyes meet across the room and his travel down to our joined hands. He seems pained then looks away.

I manage to do a good job avoiding him until the end of the night. I slip outside to get some fresh air and he appears moments later. “You shouldn’t be here,” I tell him.

“I know. I just wanted to give you this.” He hands me a flat manila envelope with a card taped to the front.

“Luke, you shouldn’t have.” I make no move to grab it even though I’m curious to know what’s inside.

“Please, just take it,” he says. “You’ve made your feelings about us quite clear. Even though I don’t agree I’ve respected your wishes. So do me this one small favor. It won’t change anything between us, it’s just something I wanted to do for you.” Reluctantly I take the envelope from him as he walks back inside.

“Luke,” I call out after him. He pauses but doesn’t turn around. “Thank you.”

I stash the envelope in my bag next to Melanie’s gift then head back in. It pains me treating him this way. But I know that I have to maintain some distance or everything will fall apart. And the fallout will be greater than just the two of us. The rest of the night passes in a blur. I know I shouldn’t care, but I’m dying to know what Luke got me. Around midnight everyone clears out. I settle the bill then head back with James to his place.

“Happy official birthday, Lucy,” he says. He leads me upstairs and as he makes love to me I try to block out thoughts of Luke. But they cloud my mind, blurring the lines between reality and fantasy.

“That was intense,” James says as he lets out a breath.

I nod as he pulls me in for a hug, grateful he can’t see my guilt.

After a few minutes he says, “I’ll be right back.” He returns holding two boxes: one large and one small. “Open the big one first.”

I tear at the paper then lift the lid.

“It’s Tupperware. Actual Tupperware!” I say, delighted. “Where did you find it?”

“Online. Look, the lids are interchangeable.”

He got me a variety of sizes, just like his set.

“It’s perfect,” I tell him.

“That’s your practical gift. Now open this one,” he says, handing me the smaller box.

I open it and nestled inside of the tissue paper is the Palos Verdes Blue butterfly.

“It’s for your collection. You said it was your favorite, but I remembered you didn’t have it.”

“Thank you,” I say, pulling him in for a kiss.

It’s just like the one I used to have before I smashed it to pieces. I look at James and realize this man has been key in putting me back together. I vow not to let Luke ruin that. This time when we make love, James is the only face I see.

I wake up with a start around two a.m. The manila envelope. It’s still in my purse, unopened. I turn toward James to confirm he’s sleeping soundly. I tiptoe downstairs and find my bag. I pull out the envelope and tear off the card. I trace my fingers over his handwritten note, Luke’s brief words that are heavy with meaning.

I take a deep breath then run my finger under the glue flap of the envelope and pull out what appears to be a certificate. It’s from the Star Naming registry. He’s named a star after me. I gasp, taking a minute to process the information. The certificate has the name of the star—Lucy Chalmers, the date it was named (he put my birthday), and the coordinates where you can find it in the sky. There’s also an astronomy booklet and sky chart, which I’ll read through later. It’s the most perfect gift I’ve ever received. Tears fill my eyes as I carefully tuck the papers back inside. I return the envelope to my bag then slip upstairs and into bed. As I stare at James a pain fills my chest. He’s perfect for me in so many ways. He’s incredibly kind, funny, and giving. But his only flaw is also his biggest: he’s not Luke.