Chapter 35
Lucy
It’s pure bliss. One minute I’m sinking my teeth into the most delectable cupcake, and the next I’m experiencing the most sinfully delectable kiss. With Luke. I don’t even try to pull away. When I agreed to a bite, I knew what I was signing up for. I’ve deprived myself for so long, and the temptation was finally too great. The taste and smell of him is overwhelming. I kiss him with everything I’ve got, pouring my pent-up passion into the kiss. It seems he’s doing the same. In one foul swoop he pushes aside everything on my kitchen counter and hoists me on it, his lips never leaving mine. The cupcakes spill out from their box on the floor, a casualty of our impatience. I tear at his belt buckle while he shimmies my shorts over my hips, yanking them the rest of the way down. The counter is cold and hard, but I don’t care. My bed would’ve been much more comfortable, but it’s all the way down the hall. And right now it’s a matter of urgency—we can’t move fast enough.
He lies me down then pulls himself up so he’s hovering over me. He pauses, searching my eyes for confirmation to take things further. Thoughts race through my mind of Melanie and how we’d be committing the ultimate betrayal. She’s the reason I’ve held out so long; she’s like a sister to me so how could I do this to her? But he’s the only man that’s ever made it past my walls because he’s the only man I’ve ever wanted to let in. I’m in love him. I love them both, so how can I choose?
My hips have a mind of their own and buck up against him, desperately wanting what he’s offering. My head and heart are at war, and while my internal battle rages he pushes open my legs with his knees. In that moment my body wins. I know it’s wrong, but it feels so right. I nod and without hesitation he pushes himself inside of me. It’s so familiar yet so new at the same time. I don’t think about anything but this moment. I focus only on him and how complete I feel when we’re together. Both of us cling to each other, his thrusts becoming deeper and harder. He pulls me closer and presses my body against his, leaving no space between us. He tells me to open my eyes. “I want you to look at me,” he says. So I watch his face; every expression he makes and every bout of pleasure he’s feeling is evident in his features. His face looks to be a mask of my own. He takes my hands and entwines his fingers with mine, bringing our arms over our heads. We stare into each other’s eyes and there are no walls between us.
It’s as though we’ve walked through the desert and have finally found water. I drink him in as much as I can. He’s demanding yet gentle, giving and taking. I meet him thrust for thrust until I can’t take anymore. I squeeze my eyes shut as my body tightens, begging for release. I scream out his name and open my eyes so I can see his face. The awe that’s reflected in his leaves me breathless. He pours into me and I thank God I’m on the pill. He’s the only one I’ve been with where I get so caught up in the moment I forget to use protection.
“Lucy,” he pants, “you don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear my name on your lips. It was my undoing.” He kisses me again, his mouth crashing down on mine. After a few minutes he hops down and pulls me to a sitting position. Then he picks me up and I wrap my arms around his neck, not wanting to let go. He finds his way to my bedroom and the first thing I notice is the picture of me and Melanie on my nightstand. The picture I had tucked away the first time he was here. I never did take it in to be repaired—I figured I could glue it myself. And it’s held. He lies me down and reality rushes in, the betrayal I’ve committed that I can’t take back. Tears spill down my cheeks and I weep for the unfairness of it all. But mostly for the terrible sin I’ve committed against the person closest to me. Luke brushes away my tears then gently showers my body with kisses. We lie together in silence for a while, some part of our body always touching, before he turns to me.
“Can I stay the night? Please.”
If I wanted this to be a one-time slipup I could tell him no. Walk away and we could pretend that it never happened.
But I don’t. This time he makes love to me. And I let him. All night long.
I’m a mess come morning. I don’t know how to explain this connection between Luke and me. It’s as if when we’re together everything just fits and I only see him. My practical side doesn’t exist—I somehow manage to push aside reason and give into the moment and my deepest desires. Our passion is insatiable. Every time we’re together it only gets more intense that I think the next time won’t compare, but it always seems to get better. Now in the light of day, my bliss at being with Luke again is quickly overshadowed by my conscience, which is heavy with guilt.
He opens his eyes and smiles at me, placing a tender kiss on my lips.
“What are we going to do?” I whisper.
He props himself up on one elbow and gazes down at me. “I’ll do whatever you want. Say the word and I’ll do it. Except walk away. Please don’t ask that of me. I can’t do it again. It’ll kill me. Honestly.”
“I don’t want you to walk away. I just don’t know what to do. What if you broke up with Melanie? Then we wait a bit for her to get over you, meet someone new. Then we can say we bumped into each other and one thing led to another.”
“Does that mean I can’t be with you in-between?”
“I don’t know. I guess we could spend time together on the DL.”
“I don’t like it. But I’ll do it if that makes you happy.”
“It doesn’t. I can never be happy knowing I’ve betrayed Melanie. But I could never be happy if I wasn’t with you either.”
“I’ll tell you what. I’m going to run a nice, hot shower. It always helps me relax. Why don’t you join me?”
“OK. I’ll be right there.”
I hear the water turn on and take a minute to think without him clouding my judgement. Just his presence alone is enough to influence my decision-making, and I need a clear head. Suddenly, I hear a key turning in the lock. I quickly locate a shirt and throw it on along with my shorts from last night. I have no idea where my underwear is. Not caring about my appearance, I hurry into the hall.
“Melanie! You gave me a heart attack. What are you doing here?”
“Sorry. I called a bunch of times and you never answered. I wanted to make sure you were OK.”
“I’m fine. Just slept in, that’s all.”
“I can see that.” She narrows her eyes at me. “You have sex hair.”
“What?” Oh God, she knows.
“Is James here? Did you have wild makeup sex?”
My relief is instantaneous. “You’ve got me,” I lie. “Listen, he’s in the shower. Can I call you later?”
“Sure. Sure. I knew things weren’t over between you guys.”
I usher her to my front door.
“Lucy, I’m really happy for you. James is a great guy and you’re so good together. I wish Luke and I could be like you guys.”
“We’re by no means perfect.”
“I know. But I see the way James looks at you. Luke never looks at me that way. I wish to God he would. I’m just so crazy about him. It’s starting to feel very one-sided.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“I didn’t come here to burden you. I know you have company so we can talk later.”
Normally I wouldn’t let her leave when she’s upset, but I need to get her out of my apartment pronto. Thankfully she’s about to leave when Luke strides out of my bathroom, rubbing a towel through his wet hair.
“Why didn’t you join me?” he says before he spies Melanie and falls silent. He quickly wraps the towel around his waist.
“Nothing I haven’t seen before,” she says in a calm voice. Too calm. Then she explodes. “WHAT. THE. FUCK?” She turns to me. “You slept with Luke? How could you do this to me?” she screams.
Oh my God. My heart is racing and I feel as if I might throw up. I knew all signs were leading in this direction. But I chose to ignore them.
“I can explain—”
“Yeah. Cuz I’d love to hear you explain away how you’ve been fucking my boyfriend behind my back!”
“This was the only time, I swear.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Melanie, it’s him. Luke is Mr. Anonymous.”
She looks to him for confirmation and he nods his head. Then she laughs hysterically. “My boyfriend is the guy who essentially broke you? Who you gave your heart to and then never called you? Who you pined over for months on end so I spent countless hours of my life consoling you? Until you met James. Your perfect boyfriend who worshipped you. Who you walked away from so you could go fuck my boyfriend? Or did he find out and dump you?” I’m about to speak but she holds up a hand. “It doesn’t matter. You’re a liar, Lucy. If Luke is Mr. Anonymous you should have told me the night I introduced you. But you didn’t. You pretended that you’d never met. When clearly you’d already been very well acquainted.”
“I didn’t know what to do. You were so happy with him, I didn’t want to ruin that. I figured I’d suffer in silence. I did this for your benefit, I swear.”
“Don’t you dare say you did this for me. This is about you and the truth you withheld for the past six months.”
“I’m sorry!” I can’t stop the flow of tears, but Melanie is unmoved.
“He’s a liar too, you know. He just wants to win. Everything is a game to him. He’ll do whatever it takes, no matter the cost.”
“Don’t listen to her, Lucy,” Luke says.
But I have a sick feeling.
“He has this way of making you feel like you’re the only girl who understands him, am I right? I bet he’s told you he feels this insane connection, this pull he doesn’t feel with anyone else. That you’re the only girl he’s loved since Callie.”
I don’t believe he’s told her those things. She could’ve picked up on pieces of conversations I’ve shared with her.
“Did he tell you about his abandonment issues? Make you feel sympathy toward him because his mom left? And his dad was hard on him but that’s where he gets his drive from? To be better than him. As I said, he wants to win and will twist things around to his advantage. And toying with two friends is apparently how he gets his kicks.”
Luke told me he didn’t tell Melanie about his issues with his dad that day we visited him at the hospital. He flat out lied to me. A sense of dread washes over me. We said we’d always tell one another the truth. What else has he lied about? As though Melanie senses my confidence wavering, she delivers one final blow.
“Did he tell you he’s ruthless and only cares about himself? Until he met you. That he finally found someone he wants to share his life with. That you make him want to be a better man? To be the man you see?”
I blink several times. That was the best compliment Luke gave me during our first weekend together. I’ve replayed that conversation over in my mind, and even when I doubted his intentions after he left, that always made me feel as though what we had was real. But now I don’t know about any of it. Like a bullet that’s hit its mark, the pain rips through me with the realization that everything I presumed to be true is coming undone. And the people I trusted most have deceived me.
“He told me all of those things. He said that I was the one for him and I believed him. We were happy until recently when he started pulling away. Maybe being close to someone freaks him out. Maybe he’s the one who ended things with Callie, not the other way around. Maybe he tired of me and he’s onto the next thing. Maybe he just likes to win. And once he has what he wants, he throws it away. You should know.”
Luke crosses the room until he’s standing in front of me. “Lucy, trust me. I never said those things.”
I shake my head. “I never told her those things,” I whisper.
“Look at me. I love you, Lucy. I would never lie to you.”
Oh God. I can’t believe he said he loves me, as if pulling out his trump card could fix this. And I can’t believe he did it with Melanie here.
“Trust me,” he says again. “Just trust me.”
I know I have so much riding on this moment. I look at Melanie, my best friend for the past twenty-four years who knows me better than anyone. Then I look at Luke, a man I spent only a weekend with, but who I know I want to spend a lifetime with. His eyes implore me to believe him. Either way I’ve lost. But I have to try to salvage my relationship with at least one of them.
“No.” I tell him. “I know I never repeated that conversation.” I know because I was worried it would upset Melanie. She was down at the time because of Brett so I was careful about what I shared. And I thought it was such a big statement that it would be too much.
“Well, it looks like you two are meant for each other. You’re both liars. I’ll leave you to figure things out,” Melanie says before slamming the door shut behind her. I swear the walls vibrate from the force.
Luke goes to my room and gathers up his clothes. I notice the picture of me and Melanie has fallen off the dresser, likely from the force of the door slamming. The piece I had put back is lying on the floor. It looks as if the glue wasn’t strong enough.
“For the record, I told her about my dad after we visited him at the hospital. She knew something was up because I was on the phone with a Doctor getting a second opinion. She wanted to visit him but I said no. So I had to tell her about our issues. But I never told her that she made me want to be a better man. Only you,” Luke says. I meet his gaze and see the devastation reflected in his. It mirrors my own.
And then he walks out of my life once again. The silence is deafening.