Molly

I didn’t want to have this conversation, not now. There wasn’t a reason to have it because I knew what it was already. I’d known after a day or two that Chris was going to leave again. This is why I didn’t want to talk about it now. Why did I want it rubbed in? He was leaving and I’d said my goodbyes this morning as I was leaving for the day. I’d known that I wasn’t going to see him when I got home.

Now he was here and wanted to talk. It was the very last thing that I wanted to do.

I asked him what he wanted after he started to get loud in the restaurant. He was underhanded, much like the very reason he was here and I knew that if I didn’t put a lid on it, he was going to be even more over the top.

“I wanted to say goodbye and ask you something.”

“I know what you are going to ask me Chris and you’re wasting your time.”

He had a look on his face like he was angry with me and he most likely was because this had already happened between us before. I wasn’t one of the women that gave him what he wanted. I wasn’t going to give in, no matter how badly I wanted to. I couldn’t. I had to hold my ground, no matter how much it hurt. I couldn’t lose myself, not even for him.

“So you won’t even consider it?”

He looked hurt and for a minute it was easy to forget that he was the one that wanted this. He was the one that left eight years ago and now he was doing it again. Not just that, he was selling out and going to singlehandedly change the whole town for him to get rich and live off in the big city. It wasn’t right and I wasn’t going to talk about it. I had stuck to my side of the bargain, because I was that type of person, but now what he was doing was just rubbing it in.

“I have and I don’t belong there. I belong here, in Nome.”

“You belong with me.”

“I have felt that way before, but you left, so apparently I don’t.”

“But I’m here now.”

“And you’re leaving again. Look Chris, we can go round and round with this, but at the end of the day, you and I are going to be a world apart. I don’t want to be a part of your world and this one isn’t good enough for you anymore. I don’t think there is anything left to say. Please don’t come out here and embarrass me again. I have to stay here and see these people every day. I know that you don’t care because you will never see them again.”

It looked like he was finally getting the hint. I wasn’t going to let him take over my mind anymore. It was fun while it lasted, really fun, but it’s over now and I had to somehow find a way to pick up the pieces, no matter how hard it was going to be.

I watched him leave without another word. Whatever I’d said had gotten to him, but I wasn’t sure which part of it had done it. I would always wonder if things could have been different, but how could I ever be happy in a place that I despised? He had been happy here once, but we’d grown apart and I was just going to have to chalk it up to a nostalgia thing.

Now that it was out of my system, I had to remember that I had a business to run here. It may not be much, but it was mine.

***

The rest of the day went by like a blur. I tried to keep myself busy, but my mind wandered far too much for my liking and it wasn’t long before I knew that getting over him was going to be harder than I liked to think it would be. I couldn’t pretend like he was a man that I didn’t care about. I loved Chris. Always had and always will, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered because neither one of us would give in. he wanted to be there and I wanted to be here. It was that simple.

I kept telling myself that it was never going to work out because of that. We were far too different and where we lived was a big deal. It wasn’t like I was going to be able to change and Chris didn’t want to change. It was all so futile. That’s why I didn’t want to talk to Chris about it because I knew there was no answer. That was the worst part of all. I really think that it would have worked if it we didn’t have such hurdles to go over.

Several people asked me if I was okay and I told them that I was fine. It wasn’t the first time that I had had to wear a smile while I was dying inside. Most people don’t care enough to notice.

I went home with a heavy heart and it got even heavier when I saw no lights on as I pulled up the long driveway. Chris wasn’t here. He’d helped with everything that we could possibly think of and I guess that was his way of making up to me the fact that he was going to be gone again. It didn’t help, but it did give me plenty more memories to keep me up at night.

The door was locked and there was no fire in the fireplace. I had to do it all myself when not but a day ago; I would come home to a warm home and lights on in every room. I missed it already and when I went in, it still smelled like Chris and it made me cry a little.