Chapter 24

Ava

“This is a really good article, Ava. I’m impressed.”

I smiled in appreciation at Dean’s compliment as he handed the article back to me from across the booth the three of us were crammed into. I tucked it back into my leather satchel that I had brought for them to read.

“I think Jude is going to appreciate it,” Dean continued, smiling at me. “He’s always really cared for you, Ava. You know that, right?”

Emily looked at her husband with arched eyebrows. “I have a hard time believing that JJ has the ability to care about anyone besides himself.”

“He does care about other people,” I said. “I know it sounds crazy, coming from me, but I realized a lot of things about him while we were traveling together.”

“Like what?” Emily asked curiously.

I cradled my cup of coffee close to my chest to absorb the warmth. “For starters, he said that he couldn’t ride his bike for a long time after Andy’s death. He couldn’t get the accident out of his head, either.”

“I knew that,” Dean said quietly. “He came to me a few times about it. He just couldn’t get on a bike without seeing Andy’s death in the back of his head. It fucked with him for a long time.”

“It got to all of us in different ways. Jude wasn’t any different. He tried to talk Andy out of it.”

“As compassionate as that is,” Emily said, “I just have a hard time looking past that cocky asshole part of him, you know? I feel like what he does is an insult to you and your family.”

“I used to think that, too. I really did for a long time.” I took a long and deep breath. “He made a good point to me that we all have to start moving forward with our lives. Andy wouldn’t have wanted him, or any of us, to keep lingering in the past. I didn’t want to hear that and admit that he’s right, but he’s got a point.”

“So, if you see his point, then why are you here right now?” Dean asked. “You want to move on from Andy’s death. Which is great. But it means accepting Jude’s career.”

“That’s the hard part,” I said, running a hand through my hair. “I had to let him go. I can’t watch it. And I don’t want to get in the way of the fame he deserves.”

“You deserve a man who loves you,” Emily pointed out, shaking her head. “If JJ truly cared about how you felt, then he would take a step back from the circuit. He just doesn’t want to give it up.”

“I’m not asking him to,” I added firmly. “I love my career just as much as he loves his. Sometimes, it’s just better to go separate ways. Who knows?” I shrugged. “Maybe we will meet a few years from now. You just never know what is going to happen.”

Dean motioned for the waiter to bring us the check. He held out a credit card for the waiter to take before looking back at me with a comforting smile.

“Well, I don’t care what Andrew says. You’re a talented writer. Your passion doesn’t get you into trouble, so I think you should publish this.”

“I think I’m going to see what people have to offer me,” I said. “This is a big story. I don’t care what Chuck Ambrose threatens to do. I only care about what Jude thinks.”

“That’s all that counts,” Dean said. “What’s your game plan, now that you are back here in Gypsum?”

I smiled at them. “Pack up my room. Pack up Andy’s room, too. Start moving on fully from the past.”

“Your parents are okay with that?” Emily asked. “I mean, they’ve kept Andy’s room the same since…”

“I know,” I said. “That’s the point. They don’t know that I’m doing it but I think they need to be encouraged to let go, too.”

Emily reached across the table to squeeze my wrist with warm fingers. “If you need anything, call me. Don’t hesitate to reach out.”

“I will. Thank you both for reading the article.” I smiled thinly at Dean. “I needed a good friend to tell me I’m not crazy for it.”

“You’re not crazy,” he assured me. “It’s honest. It’s raw. I really don’t think Jude would’ve wanted it any other way.”

Once the waiter returned with the receipt and Dean’s credit card, the three of us embraced before I walked slowly in the direction of my parents’ house. Their SUV was parked in the driveway next to my rental car. Sprinklers clicked away lazily in the front yard as I walked along the stone pathway to the front door. The doormat was askew from someone wiping their shoes on it.

I reached down with the intention of straightening it when a pair of child hand prints caught my attention from beneath the rug. Scooting it off to the side, I smiled when I took in Andy’s handprints next to mine in bright blue paint. I traced Andy’s small fingers with the pad of my index finger. He was still here in little ways. Like a distant summer breeze. You could feel him, but not see him.

I placed the mat off to the side before stepping inside. The smell of coffee and baking cinnamon buns filled my nose as I kicked out of my flip flops to walk down the foyer in the direction of the kitchen. My mother looked up from the paperback novel she was reading at the breakfast bar when she heard me come inside.

“Hi, sweetheart,” she said, smiling at me. “What are you doing?”

“I was just meeting Emily and Dean for coffee this morning,” I said and took a seat next to her on the bar stool. “Where’s Dad?”

“Upstairs in his office, I believe. He is going fishing later this afternoon with a few buddies of his, if you’re interested in going with them.”

“I can’t. I have to do some work and pack up, too.”

“Pack up?”

I met my mother’s startled eyes with an even and pointed look. “Yes, Mom. It’s time to pack up the rooms. It’s time the James family starts to move on from the past.”

“How do you suggest we do that?” she asked, flattening her book down in front of her and focusing fully on me. “Just throw everything into a box and place it in the basement?”

Bitterness filled her voice. I reached across to wrap an arm around my mother’s shoulders as they quivered with the emotions I felt deep inside of me, too. The thought of putting the past in a dusty box in the basement was excruciating, but we had to do it. We had to let it go because Andy would’ve wanted us to. He would’ve done it himself if he could have. We couldn’t keep living in the past.

“You know that Andy would want us to pack his room,” I said softly. “You know that, Mom. I think we all know it’s time we get some motivation to go forward with our lives.”

She dabbed at her eyes with a napkin. “I know you’re right, sweetheart. It’s just so hard to think of letting go of you kids.”

“You’re always going to have us. I mean, Andy is still here. I feel him whenever I walk through here. I don’t think he’s going to care if we pack up his old things. It’s the memories that count.”

“It’s the only way that I get to be with Andy after all this time.” An exhausted sigh left her as she picked up her coffee mug. “The group your father and I go to encourages us to pack up his things as well. Not live around a shrine if it is causing us pain.” She gave me a strained smile then. “Your father has been wanting to pack up Andy’s room for a while. I just never felt ready to do it.”

“Well,” I said, grasping her hand. “I am here to help you do it. We’ll do it together. Okay?”

“Okay.”

We spent the next couple of hours sitting in Andy’s room while we laughed and cried over the pictures he had saved. We packed up his trophies on the dusty dresser while we pulled out clothes from the drawers. It was well past ten at night when both my parents retired for the evening after placing what boxes they could part with downstairs—mainly his clothes that smelled dusty and his bedding. The pictures, they kept in a plastic box. After taping one of the remaining boxes up, I pushed it up against the wall for my father to gather up in the morning. I opened the closet door next to find his motocross gear hanging there, as if he were going to pull it on any minute.

Tears filled my eyes as I reached out to gently grasp the padded sleeve. A picture fluttered to the ground from the shelf above when I let go to shut the door. I crouched down to gaze at the glossy photo of Andy and Jude standing next to one another with their arms wrapped about each other’s shoulders. Their grins were cheesy and forced because I had taken the photo.

I smoothed a hand over Andy’s face. “I miss you, Andy. More than you’ll ever know.”

Placing the photograph in the front pocket of the padded shirt, I closed the closet door on it before clicking the lights off to Andy’s room. It felt empty but a good empty. Peaceful.

I padded down the hallway to start the process of my own room. I was halfway through placing books in a box when the sound of a rock tapping against the window caught my attention.

I pushed the curtains back to gaze down at the front lawn. Shock registered through me when I recognized that raven hair beneath the hood of a sweater. I opened the window quickly to stick my head out to look down at him. “Jude? What the hell are you doing here?”

“You know what,” he whispered, taking a step back to look up at me. “Come down. We need to talk.”

“About what?”

“Just come down here. You’ll see.”

I hesitated for a moment, not sure what game Jude was trying to play. Curiosity won, though. There had to be a good reason for Jude to be back in Gypsum with the Games in a few days. I pushed the window open all the way to crawl out to the lattice alongside the house. I turned to face him as he frowned at me.

“You could’ve used the front door,” he said.

“I don’t want to wake my parents,” I said. “We cleaned out Andy’s room today. I didn’t want to wake them up with you at the front door.”

“Good point.”

Silence stretched between us. The entire town of Gypsum was quiet, aside from the sound of sprinklers in the distance. The moonlight brought an ethereal quality to Jude’s eyes as he gazed up at me.

“I read the article,” he said.

Nerves tugged at me. I crossed my arms over my chest to keep myself from fidgeting underneath the intensity of Jude’s eyes.

“I know it wasn’t what we agreed upon,” I started.

“I think it’s wonderful,” Jude interjected passionately. “Why didn’t you tell me all of this before, Ava?”

I kept my eyes focused on the ground. “How am I supposed to tell you?”

“Everything in that article, you could’ve told me. I would’ve stepped out a long time ago if you told me all of that.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I couldn’t ask you to do that, Jude. My fear can’t hold you back.”

“That’s my decision to make,” Jude said readily. “I’m here because I want this to work out, Ava. I want to find a way to make it work.”

My heart pounded in my chest. Here I was, terrified of getting close to Jude when he was offering to give up the one thing in his life that he loved the most. He had flown back to Gypsum the second he read the article. That intensity provoked an entirely new type of fear in my heart. I never knew how it felt to have someone who was willing to give up everything to be with me.

“Let’s go for a walk.” Jude held out a hand for me. “To the cornfield where we used to go. I don’t want your parents waking up to hear us talking out on the front lawn.”

I reached out to take his hand as he led me down the street in the direction of the cornfield, directly alongside the neighborhood. Neither one of us spoke until we were ducking through the rows. The entire night was motionless and breezily warm. I let go of Jude’s hand as we walked along the rows of corn.

“What is it going to take for you to be with me?” Jude asked. “I’ve done everything that I can think of to make it clear that I want to be with you.”

I swallowed thickly at the question. “There really isn’t anything you can do, Jude. I can’t ask you to give up what’ve you’ve been doing with your life.”

“That’s what you’re afraid of?”

Moonlight poured through the corn stalks as we walked slowly along. I ducked into the next row to hide the tears in my eyes because I couldn’t bear the thought of staying with Jude if he continued to pull dangerous tricks for a living.

“I’m terrified of the risk,” I whispered. “I can’t stand it, Jude. I really can’t stand the risk of loving you and losing you.”

“You’re right. It’s dangerous. I can’t lie about that.”

“And I can’t ask you to give up the one thing you live for,” I continued on, shaking my head. “It’s your passion. You live for it every single day. I can see it in everything that you do.”

“You’re wrong.”

Those two words stopped me right in my tracks. I heard Jude stop next to me.

“It’s not motocross that I live for,” he said. “I live for you. I love you, Ava James. I’ve loved you since I was a little boy. It took me a long time to figure it out, but that’s why I’m here. I’m in love with you. I wasn’t just riding that bike to get away from my parents. I was riding it to you.”