Chapter 27

Jude

I stared at Ava in disbelief as she turned away from me to gaze out along the quarry where we used to spend all our free time as teenagers. There were a few bikers down below who were riding along the hills but nothing extreme and dangerous like my stunts.

“It’s not a burden,” I said. “Who said it was?”

“You don’t have to say it. You’ll never say it, and I love that about you. The fact that you’re willing to give it all up for me is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. But giving up the thing you love doing will make you resent me. If not today, it will be in a few days. Maybe weeks. After the Games pass—”

“Ava,” I interjected, anger filling me. “I am not giving up my life for you. My career and the money and the deals are not my life. You’re my life.”

Ava turned to look back at me with a sad smile. She reached out to stroke a hand along my cheek, gazing up at me with tears in her eyes.

“But this is who you are,” she whispered. “You aren’t JJ without a bike. You’ve worked hard to be where you are now. I can’t ask you to throw it away.”

“I don’t need you to ask me! I’m doing it anyway.”

“Don’t call Chuck again,” she said, reaching to stop my hand as I went for my phone. “Don’t tell him you’re quitting if you call. Tell him that you’re going to be on the first plane out to head back to the Games.”

Pain erupted in my chest when Ava took a step back from me. Her face was resolute and sad at the same time. She had made her decision, apparently, while listening to Chuck vent out his frustrations over the phone.

“If you’re scared about Chuck threatening to sue you, just know that I’d pay the legal shit to cover you,” I said. “I don’t think he’s actually going to go after you. It’s just me that he’s after.”

“I’m the cause of it, though,” Ava said. “I know that I am. He told my boss that I was a distraction to you.”

“He fucking told your boss that?” I ran a hand through my hair in aggravation. “That bastard. I’ll call your boss to explain to him that is not the case. Your boss is an idiot for turning your article down because of whatever bullshit Chuck told him.”

“I’m not worried about my career. I can go anywhere in the world to do what I want to do. That’s the beauty of it.”

“I can do what I want to do anywhere in the world, too,” I said. “I already told you, Ava. I can’t keep doing this forever. My body isn’t the same as it once was.”

“You’re still young. I don’t believe you when you say that.”

My heart ached in my chest from the emotions going through me. No matter what I said, or even did anymore, Ava would find an excuse to pull away from me. She was still stuck in that damn cycle of fear.

“Am I not good enough for you?” I demanded hotly.

Ava drew back in surprise at the question. “Of course, you are good enough for me. More than good enough.”

“Why are you pulling away from me, then? Again, for the hundredth fucking time?”

She reached out to place her hands on both my cheeks this time. Tears were falling from her eyes as she looked up at me.

“What we had back in high school was the most intense type of feeling I’ve ever known,” she said. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find it again because it’s not meant to last in the real world. We were lost in a fantasy together back then. We still are now.”

“It’s not a fantasy,” I insisted, and to my horror, tears burned the back of my eyes. I pulled Ava’s hands away from my cheeks to hold them in mine. “We are not a fantasy in my head. I never pictured it that way back then, either.”

“We’re not built to last in the real world,” Ava said. “You have a lot people who are counting on you to show up to the Games.”

“I can pay them for their troubles. The arena can bite the bullet on the tickets for my show. I only get a cut of that.”

“That’s not my point. You have a successful career that is only going to get better. I’m building one for myself. Don’t you see how at odds our lives are with one another? We need to be realistic about this.”

“I am being realistic about this,” I said. “I can see us in the real world, Ava James. You’re the one who’s afraid to get close.”

Ava pulled her hands back from mine. “Do you think this is any easier on me? I want to be with you, Jude.”

“So be with me,” I snapped, reaching out to grab her by the forearms. “Stop listening to everyone’s opinion about us. Stop letting fear fuck everything up in your life.”

“I’m not letting fear fuck up my life!” Ava exclaimed, and anger flickered across her face. “That’s the entire point of what I’m doing. I’m trying to move on with my life. This wasn’t a relationship meant for the future. It was meant to exorcise the demons in both our pasts.”

I let go of Ava’s forearms with a frustrated shake of my head. It occurred to me then that coming to Gypsum to confess my feelings for Ava had been a mistake. She couldn’t let go of the past. Even when she tried.

“You know, for the longest time, everyone looked at me like I was the one who was fucked up. Like I’m the one who didn’t know how to be in a relationship. They couldn’t be more wrong about that observation.” I pointed a hard finger in her direction. “It’s you who is the really fucked up one here. Not me.”

Hurt filled Ava’s eyes. A sob escaped her lips, and she turned away from me and jogged down the road in the direction of town. I couldn’t follow her. Not this time. I had offered the ultimate sacrifice to prove that I didn’t see her as a fantasy—my beloved fucking career.

What else could she possibly need? What else could she want from me?

I stomped down in the direction of the quarry where the rest of the bikers were playing around on the hills. The smell of exhaust and dirt filled my lungs. It was comforting in an odd way as I stood there on edge to watch them.

My phone buzzed again. Not sparing it another glance, I tossed it down the side of the quarry. The screen shattered on impact in a pile of sharp rocks. Good fucking riddance.

I went back to the hotel to call the airlines to book a flight for the next morning. No need to stay around here anymore. Not that I really planned on staying in Gypsum in the first place. That image of the future was gone, and even though I had a cushion beneath my ass when it came my career, it felt fucking empty without Ava in it.

Not caring that I had to be up early in the morning to catch a flight, I stalked back down to the local bar to down the rest of my sorrows for the evening. Alcohol was poison in my family. It was the perfect dissolvent. It dissolved my family. It dissolved my childhood. I knew that one was too many. A thousand would never be enough, either. But I needed to try to kill the pain.

“Jude?”

I stopped short when I heard Dean calling out my name from across the street. He and Emily were standing at the trunk of their car, loading what appeared to be groceries. They both gave me a long and searching glance before I twisted sharply on my heel to stalk into the bar. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to either of them about Ava. Especially with Emily right there, who’d defend her best friend with everything that she had.

I took a seat at the bar after ordering Patron on the rocks. The strongest shit that I knew this bar supplied to help ease the fucking hole in my heart.

“Here you go, sir,” the bartender said. “Say, you’ve got some raw talent out there. I’ve watched your shows a few times.”

“Thank you,” I said, sipping at the Patron with a blissful sigh. “It’ll probably be ending soon, though.”

“Oh? Why?”

“Jude.”

I looked up to find Dean standing next to me at the bar. He glanced down at the glass in my hand with a frown.

“What are you doing, man?” he asked. “You know that you really shouldn’t be drinking, given…”

“That my old man is a raging drunk?” I suggested and took another large sip. “Not much of a difference between us, from what I gather.”

The frown on Dean’s face deepened as he took a seat next to me. “What’s going on? What happened this time?”

“Nothing,” I said defensively. “Why would you ask me a question like that?”

“You’re drinking alcohol, which tells me that there is something going on with you,” Dean replied. He looked up when the bartender returned. “Hi, Jack. I’ll just have a beer.”

“A shot of something,” I said.

“A beer,” Dean said, shaking his head at me. “It’s the morning, Jude. I have shit to do this afternoon.”

“I don’t. I have nothing to do this afternoon.”

“Don’t you have a show tomorrow to get to?” Dean asked. “What are you even doing here?”

I twisted around on the bar stool to look at Dean. “Let me tell you why I’m here. I flew all the way down here to tell Ava James that I’m in love with her. I told her that I wanted to be with her, and that I was going to give up everything for her. And you know what she did?”

Dean sighed heavily. “I know it’s hard to understand her perspective—”

“It’s impossible to understand her!” I exclaimed loudly. A few heads turned in our direction but I didn’t care. “I told her that I was going to give up everything to be with her. Why isn’t that enough?”

“It is more than enough, Jude. I know that it is. She’s in love with you, too.”

I scoffed at that. “She broke it off before it could even begin. Who the fuck does that?”

“It’s hard for her to look at you doing what you do. She knows just as well as I do that you can’t give up that sport, even if you try to. She’s trying to be selfless.”

“How noble of her,” I remarked dryly. “It’s nice to know that she’s been talking to you about this, instead of me.”

“I happen to live here full-time,” Dean said. “Don’t get pissy with me. I tried to tell her that it would be okay to be with you, but she’s terrified of you. That’s all it is. Give it time, and I’m sure—”

“No,” I said harshly. “No. No more giving it time. I have shit to do, so the two of us are going to go our separate ways.”

I tipped back the rest of the Patron. Dean’s eyes lingered on me in concern. I wiped at my mouth with the back of my hand.

“What? I have nothing to do today.”

“I don’t think either one of you want that.” Dean got up from the bar stool. “Let’s go across the street and get some food in your stomach before that Patron hits you.”

I yanked myself from his grasp to signal for another drink. “Let it hit me. You can either sit here, or you can go across the street to your wife.”

“Come on, man,” he groaned, sitting back down. “You know that I can’t turn away from you when you’re doing this.”

“Doing what?” I muttered darkly. “Killing some demons?”

“Killing yourself.”

“Yes. That’s exactly what the fuck I’m doing today.”