Chapter 22

Ava

The sound of my parents’ voices talking quietly downstairs over their morning coffee echoed up through the floorboards of my room. They were trying to be quiet. I had called them from the airport a few hours away to tell them that I was coming home in a rental car so they wouldn’t freak out when they heard the front door open.

I didn’t dare keep my phone on throughout the night. I didn’t want to hear Jude’s harsh words because I already felt like shit. He was right, though. I was the fucked-up one. I couldn’t get over Andy’s death. Seeing it…

How could he expect me to get over it, though? While watching those stunts of his, day in and day out? I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand the sound of those fans cheering him on. There were camera flashes all the time. It was a bunch of fantasy and bullshit. They didn’t understand how it felt to watch someone die pulling one of those stunts they all loved to watch so much.

I pulled the blanket over my head with the intention of falling back to sleep after a weeks’ worth of fighting with Jude, traveling around… and the sex, too. My stomach twisted pleasantly at the thought. I would miss that for the rest of my life. Jude had an effect on my body that I didn’t even understand.

The smell of coffee brewing from downstairs drew me out of bed an hour later. I passed by Andy’s room—his door forever shut as usual. I rested my fingers against the cold wood. This was the reason why I had to get away from Jude. I couldn’t stand another room full of dust and stale air in my life because of those tricks.

I spent the next week avoiding Jude’s phone calls and text messages, even though I knew he would eventually figure out where I had gone. Guilt lodged in my stomach as the anger in his text messages eventually changed to sadness. Then, nothing. It was a full week of silence before my phone finally went quiet as well. The only time I picked it up was when Andrew called me from New York to inform me that he was cutting me from his writing team.

“I can still write it, though,” I said, blinking back tears. “Please, Andrew. I just had to get away from it all. That’s all I’m doing right now.”

Andrew sighed heavily into the phone. “Ava, I just got a threatening email from Chuck Ambrose telling me that you breached the contract by leaving. I can’t have this type of shit on me right now. I can’t weather it like some other papers can.”

“Just let me write the draft today,” I said pleadingly. “You can decide from there if you want to fire me, or if you want to publish the article. I don’t need to travel with them to the Games to figure the rest of it out. I’ve been around it long enough.”

“Fine, but you have to turn it in by tonight. If it isn’t in my inbox by nine, then consider yourself out of a job.”

“I understand, sir. Thank you.”

I left my phone to charge while I showered. For an entire week, I had avoided writing this because I knew it meant having to face my own feelings for this sport, and for Jude as well. I had to face the demons of my past to write this damn article if I wanted a good reputation as a freelance writer. I had to write it.

And it had to be damn good.

Tucking my computer into my satchel, I left the house to walk along the sidewalk in the direction of the one place where I needed to be at. School had started early, with the summer weeks waning. It would be fall soon. The trees would change colors, and I’d be stuck in Gypsum to watch the world let go of everything while I tried to figure out the chaos of emotion in my heart. It was utterly quiet as I walked along the flat stretch of dirt road. No one was out here in the middle of the day.

The blood in my veins went cold as I came to the edge of the quarry to look down at the sharp rocks and steep hills. There were a few more places to catch air than I remembered last. Various messages were spray painted along the rocks as I walked slowly along, with the hot air pushing down on me. I could still smell that crisp night air when Dean had informed me that Jude was going to race for the first time since Andy’s death. I had rushed down there to confront of him. I remembered it vividly still…

Various lights were strung out across the quarry. The sound of generators echoed in the night as I rushed down the winding road in the direction of the bikes.

What the fuck was Jude thinking?

Cold rage filled me as I reached the bottom to jog over to where Jude was standing with his crew. All of them were laughing, carefree, while I approached them with fists clenched tightly at my sides.

“Yo, JJ. Your girl is here.”

Jude turned around on the heel of his riding boot to look at me in surprise. His eyes were sparkling wildly as he swept a gaze along my angry face. Guilt flickered along the dark shadows of his face. He knew it, just as well as I did, that this felt like a slap to my face.

“What the hell are you doing?” I shrieked, coming to a halt in front of him. My hand reeled back and I slapped him hard across the padding of his chest plate. “Huh? Jesus, Jude! Andy is dead, and you’re riding again!”

The cold night air blew around us. I glanced up at the sky, expecting to find snowflakes at any moment. Moonlight tried to peer down through the thick clouds. This would be my first Christmas without Andy. Thinking of that brought a fresh wave of grief over my heart.

“It’s not a big deal,” Jude said. “It was just a small race. Andy—”

“Died here,” I shouted, tears streaming down my cheeks. “He died out here trying to impress the fucking lot of you.”

Jude shook his head at me as he took a step forward. He tried to reach out to touch me but I shrugged his hand away with an angry cry.

“This is what I want to do with my life,” Jude said, eyes glittering with anger. “I live to race. Your brother knew that, too. Get fucking used to it, Ava. I’m not going to give this up because of what happened. I actually know what the hell I’m doing out here.”

Smack!

My palm tingled after I drew it back from Jude’s cheek. He reached up to touch his cheek with his fingertips.

“Fuck you,” I whispered. “Go to hell. Never talk to me again.”

“Ava—”

I pushed away from the circle of his friends to run back up the sharp rocks. They cut into the palms of my hands as I climbed up. I could hear their laughter, their encouragements to Jude as I climbed up to the top again. They weren’t going to change. Jude would never change because he didn’t think there was a problem.

And I couldn’t spend the rest of my life watching this stupid shit.

My palms tingled as I came back to the hot summer afternoon. I glanced down to find that my fingernails had cut into my skin. Blood dripped down to the dusty ground on some rocks. I picked up one of the rocks to toss it down into the quarry. A scream, deep from within my chest, escaped as I sank down to my knees, and sobs wracked my body.

I was in love with Jude Jacobs. I knew that I was, but I couldn’t sit back idly while he continued to risk his life every single night. Andy’s death had placed a black mark over my soul. It followed me around wherever I went. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t understand it, even now as an adult. My brother had died doing this. They were just tricks for amusement; no one needed this stuff. It was unnecessary, and he was risking his life for it. Why couldn’t Jude see that?

Wiping the blood from my palms, I tossed one last rock into the quarry before going back down the long dirt road. I went to the small coffee shop on Main Street to sit down in a small booth that needed to be refurnished because of the cracks in it. I ordered a hot cup of coffee while I cleaned the blood from my palms and fingernails.

I came back out of the bathroom to find Emily sitting at the booth in front of my computer. Two large cups of coffees were placed in front of her by the barista as I approached the table. She smiled up at me when I slid into the booth across from her.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked.

“Your mother told me,” she said, shrugging. “I just wanted to stop by for a cup of coffee to talk. She said you might need a friend.”

I picked up the cup of coffee with a sigh. “What is there to talk about? It was over before anything could begin.”

“So, you slept with JJ? I’m assuming numerous times?”

“It was amazing, too,” I said.

I spent the next two hours venting out everything to Emily. She listened to me talk patiently. Emily handed back my phone after scrolling through the photos I had taken.

“I get your point,” she said. “I mean, I don’t blame you for feeling afraid. That’s a lot for a person to deal with.”

“He’s a trained athlete. He’s good at what he does. It’s just…” I couldn’t wrap my head around the danger of it. “I don’t know, Emily. I just can’t sit back and wait for it to happen again.”

Emily shook her head at me. “You shouldn’t have to. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, either. He knows what you went through.” She stood up to give me a long and warm hug. “I better let you get to work. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Thank you. I will.”

I smiled at her as she walked out of the coffee shop. I looked down at my phone, at the photos I had taken of Jude throughout his circuit. Some of them were with his fans who gazed up at him with love and admiration. That was why he continued to do what he did. I could see it in his eyes in the photographs. The love he never received at home, he sought it out through the fans he came into contact with.

I stopped on a photograph of him suspended in mid-air with the bike at his fingertips. He wasn’t just a fifteen-year-old kid doing tricks. He was good at what he did. He had also branched out to do other things in the process, too. He had started his own merchandise line. He had a few energy drinks with his name attached to them. The endorsements from Nike. The future paychecks he would get for just showing up to certain events. He wasn’t a gangly teenager trying to impress his friends anymore. He was a businessman. A very successful one at that.

I understood it then as I opened up my computer to let my fingers dance across the keyboards. His success had nothing to do with danger. It had everything to do with taking risks for the love that he wanted from those around him. I wished that I had a margin of that bravery.