Chapter 24 – Lila (Monday)
Oh, God… oh, God… oh, God…
This wasn’t good. Terror twisted and turned through my body with no sign of slowing whatsoever. I had woken up in an absolute state of panic, made worse by the fact that I knew it was justified. I had every reason to worry, and my body was taking full advantage of that. My lungs felt small, my chest tight, I had a tingling sensation trickling up and down my spine...
I didn’t think that Kyle was trying to torment me by waking up playing his new song, but he was having that effect on me nonetheless. I was acutely aware that I hadn’t yet written any lyrics for the song yet, despite the endless inspiration I should have had. And today we had to go into the studio to record.
What the hell am I going to do?
I sat bolt upright in my bed and chewed on my nails like crazy, fear racing through my body like there was no tomorrow. Why didn’t I have anything yet? What the hell was wrong with my brain? I’d had romance, I’d had a wonderful night of passion. There was no reason for my mind to be so frustratingly blank.
This was no good. I was only going to get myself totally worked up. I needed to go out and speak to Kyle before I made myself more of a mess. My legs shook so hard I wasn’t sure they’d support me as I made my way into the other room to get my reassurance.
“Morning, you okay?” Kyle smiled lazily, none of the fears that I had plaguing him one bit. It didn’t seem fair that I was the only one freaking out, but then again, why would he panic? He’d completed his part of the song! It was only me struggling.
“I don’t know.” I sat down beside him and flung my head into my hands, letting out a pathetic whimper as I did. “I’m still struggling to write this song, and now we have to go into the studio. I’m gonna make us both look like idiots if I don’t have anything to record. You know that, don’t you?”
“Oh, don’t be silly. Xander and Michael aren’t like that,” Kyle replied reassuringly. He wasn’t worried at all; it was crazy to me. “They’ll be understanding. There are probably other bits for us to record anyway, and I can get the music done. We can do it separately, like we’ve done before.” I nodded slowly, my body starting to calm down. Maybe Kyle was right, maybe this didn’t have to be so bad after all. “It’ll be okay, you’ll see.”
“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” I breathed a little slower, Kyle having had his soothing effect on me once more. “Yeah, okay, maybe today I’ll be able to work it out a bit more.”
I patted his back and stood up to make some coffee, all the while my thoughts coming in a little more rationally. Maybe this wasn’t so bad; maybe I could sort this out somehow. Stranger things had happened!
“So…” Kyle turned back to the piano and played a little more, this time the keys sounded nice rather than terrifying. “How are things with you and Xander?”
I smirked to myself at the memory of Friday night, before that weird, squishy feeling about Saturday overtook me. How could I tell Xander without sounding like a crazy stalker that the first time I asked to meet with him was fake? I only did it because I wanted to spend more time with him. I had been intrigued and wanted to get to know him better. I’d justified it to myself by planning to ask questions about his company, on the pretense that I was there for company business, but I just wanted to hang out with him on a more personal level.
I’d gotten lucky – we’d managed to have a great day at the orphanage where the topic hadn’t come up until the end, where I’d managed to bypass it by playing it cool. But when he asked me in the car after our second day at the orphanage, I’d felt too idiotic to lie again. Then again, I couldn’t tell him the truth, either, not without freaking him out.
“Yeah, things are good,” I replied evasively, sliding into the kitchen. “He is a great guy. It’ll be good to see him today at the studio.”
“It’s going well, isn’t it?” Kyle sounded happy, which made me smile, but that was the exact reason I didn’t want to fail. I couldn’t let my brother down; he deserved all the good things that were happening to him. “I’m pleased. And, the money we’re making is amazing.”
I couldn’t deny it – the extra cash was great. It felt so incredible to not have to fight to pay every single bill. It was amazing to be able to pay them off without even thinking about it. “Yeah, I know. Soon we’ll be living the high life.”
But as I brought the coffee out, I could see that Kyle had an intensely thoughtful look on his face. “You know, it might be time to start thinking about moving out of this apartment, out of this area, now that we have more money. We could get somewhere a little bigger, nicer. If this takes off, who knows what we’ll be able to afford.”
“Really, you think?” Moving out of this crappy apartment was a pipe dream that I hadn’t even allowed myself to dare think of. “That would be so amazing, could you imagine it? Maybe I’ll start looking tomorrow.” God, a better living arrangement, what could be better than that? “Anyway, I’m going to get ready. Let’s get going in a minute.”
***
“Are you ready for this?” Kyle asked me as we neared the studio. “I don’t know about you, but I always get nervous going in. I know that we’ve done it a few times, but it still feels brand new to me.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I murmured, my heart racing in my chest. “It’s still a little crazy.”
But I wasn’t thinking about recording. I was recalling what Xander had told me at the orphanage. I just couldn’t believe he was a foster kid, too!
It made sense. It explained why he was at the fundraiser in the first place and why he donated so much money to the very worthy cause – he understood it just as I did. But I couldn’t work out why it had taken him so long to tell me. I’d told him about me and Kyle working our way through the system. Why hadn’t he just opened up then? Didn’t he trust me?
Rationally, I knew that it wasn’t always a topic people liked to discuss. Because of the family complications that landed kids in care and the way they’re often looked at while growing up, it was easy to become ashamed of where we’d come from... But surely Xander knew that I wasn’t the judgmental type. Even if I hadn’t gone through it all myself, I would never be that way.
I was going to have to get him to open up more to me at some point, when the time was right.
“Anyway, let’s go in.”
As soon as we got inside, Xander found us and instantly got dragged into a deep conversation with Kyle about the music. I was glad of the distraction, of the moment alone to adjust my own thoughts, because I felt so afraid to admit that I still had nothing to sing.
Luckily, just as Xander turned around to face me, to bring me into the conversation, I burst into a very unexpected round of coughing. I was extremely annoyed to be showing any signs of illness again. But at the same time, it was well timed because it meant that I could blame my need to record separately on my voice not being totally up to scratch.
“Sorry, I’m only here to observe today,” I managed through the coughs. “The stupid virus has come back again. I hope that’s not too much of a problem.”
“No, not at all, as long as you’re okay?” I nodded in a way that I hoped was convincing. “You can come and sit in the recording booth with me, see where all the magic happens.”
“Sounds great, thank you.”
***
I had an interesting day in the sound booth with Xander. I learned a whole lot, and I got to see just how incredible Kyle was from a new perspective. He brought the whole studio to life with his music; he was the most talented person I knew.
Okay, so I still wasn’t any further along with my lyric writing, but it didn’t feel like a wasted day. I got to be near to Xander, and that overshadowed everything else.
“So, when are you going to let me take you out again?” He grinned happily at me, just as we were packing up to finish recording. “You won’t make me wait until the weekend, will you?”
How could I resist that? He had my heart bubbling with excitement, my emotions spilling over the edge. He wanted to spend time with me, he enjoyed my company as much as I did his, and it felt incredible. It couldn’t even be just to get me into bed, either, because he’d already done that. Twice. Maybe his feelings ran as deep as mine did.
“How about Thursday?” I burst out before I could say anything crazy. “Are you free Thursday night?”
“I am for you.” He looked me up and down, his eyes fiery with desire. I felt like he might kiss me there and then, if it wasn’t so unprofessional. Of course, we’d crossed over that line before, but there hadn’t been anyone else in the building when that happened.
“That sounds great; do you want to text me or make plans now?” My voice sounded a little hollow, but that was only because his thumb was rubbing circles on my hip and it was making me feel that powerful electricity all over again. The spark between us was off the charts!
“I want to do both,” he whispered, desire lacing his tone. I had a deep need for him to pulsate within me, which was frustrating because there wasn’t any way that we could act on it now. “I want to pick you up at eight, to do whatever the hell you want, but I want you to text me all week long, too.”
I nodded sharply, getting the distinct impression that the messages we would be sending one another would be for our eyes only. “Okay, sounds good.”
“Are you ready to go?” Kyle burst into the room, shattering the magic of the moment. Xander’s hand dropped away from me as if he’d been electrocuted, and I immediately missed him. His touch made me feel whole, and without him, I was cold and lonely.
“Sure, let’s go.” I nodded at Kyle, but I wasn’t listening to his words. “See you later, Xander.”
But as we walked away, I shot one long, lingering look back to Xander, my heart racing painfully in my chest. If it was later in the day, and he didn’t have more clients coming in to record, if I wasn’t aware that Michael was around somewhere, I might suggest that Kyle go by himself. I might angle for a repeat performance of the other night, but I couldn’t. Much as I wanted to, I had to be smart.
I was just going to have to wait, however hard that would be. Thursday wasn’t that far away now, was it?