Chapter Thirty-One
Matthew
Wednesday
“Ashlee?” I replied, just as surprised to see her as she was me. “Is that you?”
As far as I knew, Ashlee hadn’t been to see her father’s grave since the funeral. I just assumed that it hurt her to do so, a sentiment which I fully understood...especially when she moved away, making it impossible for her to come on a regular basis.
That, plus my guilt for not attending the funeral, had me coming there all the time, needing to pay my respects.
As Ashlee turned to face me, I was shocked to see the tears streaming down her face. I hadn’t seen her cry in a very long time, and it honestly made my heart wrench for her.
All I wanted to do was reach out and hug her, to hold her close to me and to give her all the comfort that she so clearly needed, but I knew I couldn't. She wasn't quite there yet, she wasn't ready for it, and I had to respect that. I needed to be patient. I was acutely aware of what was likely to be happening with her mom, and however helpless that made me feel, however much I wanted to do something and couldn't, it had to be a million times worse for Ashlee.
“What are you doing here?” she snapped back, eventually spotting the flowers in my hand. She didn’t look as happy as she might have under normal circumstances, which meant that things had to be bad. I sucked in a deep breath, expecting the worst because that rage had to go somewhere, and I was about right because the next words that left her lips were dripping with temper. “Why are you bringing Dad flowers when you didn’t even come to his funeral?”
And there it was. The confrontation that I’d been expecting for a very long time. It had finally arrived, and honestly, it didn’t feel as good as I expected it to, to have the chance to get my side of the story across. “I was there,” I told her quietly. “You might not have seen me, but I was there.”
“What do you mean?” she gasped, clearly taken aback by my admission. At the time, I never planned to tell her as much, but there didn’t seem to be any point in trying to hide it now. Not when the truth could serve to set us both free from a past that had spent a decade holding us back. “I didn’t see you.”
“No, you weren’t supposed to.” I pointed to a tree over in the distance, her eyes following my finger in confusion. “I might have missed the bit in the church, but I was here the whole time. I hid behind that tree, watching you come out with the coffin, I saw him go into the ground... I was here the entire time.”
A range of emotions crossed her face, which I was expecting. Of course, she would be confused about my choice. I didn’t quite get it myself even now, even after all that time. “Why... Why didn’t you just come and join us?”
I sighed deeply, preparing myself to give the shittiest excuse of all time. “Look, your dad was more of a dad to me than anyone else. I mean, I love my biological dad, but he didn’t understand me in the way that your dad did. He never tried to connect with me in the same way.”
I held my head in my hands, slumping my body to the ground beside Ashlee, the despair getting to me all over again. “When he died, it damn near killed me. I didn’t know what to do with myself, never mind how to help you. I know that I acted stupidly by going out to that party and getting stupid drunk when you needed me, I guess that I just needed to forget... I don't know, that sounds so ridiculous.”
I sucked in a few, deep breaths of air, trying to calm my racing mind. This statement was so important and I didn’t want to fuck it up by not getting it out in the right way. “And then we fought, and we both said some terrible things... I guess I just assumed that you didn’t want to see me again. I already knew that it was going to be the most horrible, most stressful day of your life, and I didn’t want to add to that. All I could think about was the idiot I’d been when I was wasted, so I guess that I was too embarrassed, as well.”
“I needed you,” she admitted to me, giving me a serious look. I could tell that she wasn't trying to make me feel bad by saying this, but that she just wanted to be honest with me, and that felt good. It felt like we were finally taking a step in the right direction. “I wanted you there with me, despite all the other bullshit, and I hoped that we would be able to see past that to get through that day.”
“Urgh, I know, and I’m sorry.” I pumped my fists, angry at myself for being such a tool back then. “I guess in my naivety, I just couldn't see that.”
“Don’t worry,” she replied kindly, lightly touching my hand as she spoke. “With hindsight, I can see all of that now. I was lost in my grief, constantly pushing you away, and that made you snap. I couldn't see past my own sadness. I didn’t even consider that you were hurting, too, so I’m as much to blame as you are for where things went wrong between us.”
“No,” I started, but she held up her hands to silence me.
“Look, it’s done now. It’s behind us. Dad wouldn’t want us fighting, not speaking for a decade over this. He lived in the moment, he always did, and he would want us to put it all far behind us.”
I remained silent for a moment, lost in my own thoughts before I finally figured out what to say next. Ashlee was hurting, dying inside from the loss of her father, which she’d never properly come to terms with, and her mother being sick. She didn’t need to circle over the past again and again, dragging up stuff to cause her even more pain.
What she needed was to talk about something happy, something more upbeat, something to remember him by in a light-hearted way.
“Did your dad ever tell you about the first time that he took me fishing?” I asked her, a small smile playing on my lips. “When I dropped the fishing rod into the water, and he tripped over the bait bucket, spilling maggots everywhere?”
I never told Ashlee about it at the time because I was still at the stage of wanting to impress her. Back then, I only accepted the invitation to go fishing because I assumed that she would be there, too, but I found myself pleased when she didn’t come because it gave me the chance to find that strong, male role model that my life had been missing – a man I could talk to when things got rough.
“No,” she chuckled lightly, brushing the tears away from her eyes. “But after you’ve told me, I have to tell you the story of how he reacted when he very first found out about us.”
After that, we went on to exchange all our happiest memories about her dad. It was the sort of thing that we should have done right after he died, and maybe if we’d been older when it happened, I would have thought to do so. But in my young, stupid mind, I didn’t. In fact, I did the complete opposite.
I could tell that this was cathartic for her, that it was helping her to come to terms with things, and it made me realize just how important she was to me. I’d always know it, of course, it was obvious, but to have her sitting in front of me, allowing me to make her feel better, it hit me hard.
She needed me, and I wanted her to.
I wanted to be her shoulder to cry on, her rock to rely on when things got tough. I wanted to be the first person she thought of when she needed someone to talk to, and I hoped that through all of this, she would allow me to be that person.
“I’m always here for you,” I told her calmly, when we finally had a moment of silence. “You know that, right?”
She nodded tightly, clearly overcome by emotion, and I watched in horror as the tears trickled down her face once more. She was spending too much time trying to be strong, holding it all in, and it seemed like she’d finally gotten to a point where some things were beginning to spill over the edge.
I refused to hold back any longer, no longer wanting to second guess myself. That was the mistake that I’d made before. Ashlee needed me, and I wanted to be there, so I pulled her body closer to me, enveloping her in a hug.
“Is there anything I can do now?” I asked her quietly, practically whispering into her ear. “Is it your mom? Do you want me to come and see her?”
I knew that I was stepping into dangerous territory, but I was also sure that this was what she needed. She probably didn’t want me to ask because she didn’t want to step on any toes, and also because she didn’t want to hear any bad news, but I had no intention of giving her that. Deep down, she knew what was going to happen. I would just come with her and see if there was anything that I could do...anything that Peggy would allow me to do.
Ashlee was silent for a beat too long, causing my heart to race in my chest, but after a while she nodded against my chest, finally conceding to my request. “She’s sick,” she gulped, pulling back to look at me. “And, she keeps talking like it’s the end for her. I just don't know how to cope with that. It’s making it very difficult for me to look after her.”
I didn’t know how I would deal with that, either, but I had to be strong. I needed to do this, however emotional I got. I’d been a doctor for many years in a small town where I knew everyone; I should have been an expert in hiding my own emotions when it came to giving bad news, but that was the one thing that I hadn’t been able to master just yet and it didn’t seem to get any easier.
“Come on,” I held out my hands to her before pulling us both upright. “Let’s go and check on your mom now. I want to make sure that she’s okay.”
Just as Ashlee turned to walk away, I placed the flowers down on her father’s grave, like I’d been doing every week for the past ten years. Usually I stopped to have a chat with him, too, but I felt like I didn’t need to tonight; I felt like he’d probably seen enough.
I will look after her, I thought in my mind, not wanting to leave things completely unsaid. If she allows me to remain in her life, I’ll help her to get through anything. Okay, so the cancer beating her mother was going to be a tough one to begin with, but if it came to that, I wouldn’t run away again. I’d learnt that the hard way last time. I won’t let you down; I promise.