Chapter Four
Ashlee
Thursday After Work
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
I rolled my eyes while I waited for my mother to pick up the phone; did she always have to take so damn long to do it? It was a cell phone, for crying out loud; it should have been on her person at all times. Why did it feel like she was crossing the damn ocean every time she went to answer it?
“Hello?” she eventually said, sounding out of breath, proving my point entirely. “Ashlee, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom, just walking back from work. How are you?”
I wasn't sure why she was bothering to ask me how I was doing when she as the one who was sick, but that was typical of her. She had always been a big-hearted woman, which I loved about her, but honestly, I felt like she should have been thinking about herself for a change. “How have things been?”
“Okay... I mean, I am a little tired, but I’m not as bad as I could be.” I hated the fact that she had cervical cancer; it felt fucking horrible to even think about, but she was dealing with it so well. And if she could be strong, then so could I. I didn’t have any damn choice. “Was it your last day today?”
“It was,” I confirmed. “And, everyone threw me a little party. It was sweet, to be honest. Eileen came and got me and told me to act all surprised, but it was obvious what was going on. They’d baked me a cake and everything.”
The emotions bubbled up inside of me once more, and I found myself a little too close to tears. It was hard to say goodbye to this life; I’d worked damn hard for it and I felt bad to have to give it all up, but I had to be there for my mom. She’d helped me through so damn much in my life, and I knew that she would never ask for me to be there, but that was the reason I had to be.
I was scared. Deep inside, I was absolutely fucking terrified that something bad might become of this, and I didn’t want to regret anything. I wanted to be there, just in case this shit took a turn for the worst, and there wasn't anything that could be said to change my mind.
“You really shouldn’t have handed your notice in,” Mom replied in a stern voice. “I never wanted you to do that. I can handle this on my own, you know. I’m a big girl. You have a life in New York and I don't want you to have to-”
“Oh shush, Mom,” I scolded her. “Don’t be so silly. I want to do this; I have to do this.” She remained silent, which made me feel like I had to defend myself further. “Everything is already done now, anyway. I have a job interview set up already, my flight on Saturday is paid for, I’ve already organized the movers... I’m coming home, Mom.”
I was just glad that when Mom had left Florence, she didn’t sell our family home. She rented it out with the thought that she might return there one day, and now that day had come. It meant I would still have somewhere to stay while I got myself sorted.
I was both keen and nervous to return to my childhood bedroom. Sure, everything had been stored in the attic while other people stayed in the house, but it wouldn’t take long to have that all back out again. It would be back to normal soon enough.
“I understand all of that,” Mom said in her overly patient tone of voice; the one that she knew drove me crazy. “But you can make more money where you are; for your career, you are much better off in New York.”
“Mom, not everything is about money. I’m doing what I want to do, and nothing you can say will change my mind.”
“Even if I refuse to let you in the house?” she joked. “Will you live outside with all your stuff?”
“You know it!” I laughed, finally reaching my apartment.
As I stepped inside, it hit me again how much I had to do. Over the years, I had managed to acquire a whole lot of stuff and boxing all of that up was going to be a real pain in the ass.
“Okay, well, I’ll call you tomorrow,” Mom finally said. “After my appointment. I’ll be going to see the doctor in Florence tomorrow, a new guy to see what he suggests. I think his name is Doctor Turner.”
Turner?
That name struck a cold, hard fear into my heart. It was the one name that I didn’t want to hear, especially in association with Florence. It was a small place. There was only one family with that name, and only one man that I knew was heading into the medical profession. It seemed like he’d achieved his goal.
If my mom was going to see Matthew Turner, that meant that he was still living there. It was unlikely I would be able to avoid him in such a small place, and that was even truer considering I wanted to go with my mother to her appointments. I wanted to understand more about what was going on with her.
It seemed like I was going to have to simply suck it up and get the hell on with it. It wasn't about me and him anymore – and it never would be again.
That was all ancient news, stuff that had happened years ago. I’d moved past it and simply gotten on with my life. Seeing him would be a bummer, but that was it. I could handle it no problem now... Well, I was going to have to. I didn’t have a choice anymore.
“Yeah, okay, Mom,” I replied distractedly. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow. You take care of yourself, all right? Love you.”
“And you. Love you, too.”
As soon as she hung up the phone, I slumped onto my couch while my mind reeled. Despite the fact that I didn’t really want to think about him, I couldn't damn well help myself now. I suppose that I needed to come to terms with the past a little more anyway, especially when I was about to be faced with it.
Matthew Turner...
What the hell was it going to be like seeing him again? The last time we’d spoken to one another, it had been very bitter and angry, so it would be interesting to see if that was still there. Would he have simply gotten over it and moved on, or would there be a small part of him that just couldn't let it go? I wasn't sure exactly which category I fit into, and that was something I didn’t want to examine too closely.
I thought for a second about our past and how we’d ended up how we did, and it made my heart flutter a little too excitedly. When I moved to Florence and nervously joined a new school, I didn’t think that I would end up with any friends. As a very awkward preteen, I had assumed I was far too old to meet new people, so of course, that negative mindset transcended into my body language from the get go. Because I didn’t think that anyone would want to speak to me, I shut myself off, which in turn meant no one did.
Well, except for Matthew.
He sat next to me in math class and instantly made a joke about my hair. It was something so stupid, something so small and insignificant that I couldn't even remember what it was now, but it had made me laugh. It broke the ice and helped me to thaw enough to let him in.
We became firm friends, almost inseparable, which was awesome. In my old school, I’d only ever been friends with girls, so it was a brand new, intoxicating world for me. I fell hard and fast for Matthew, there was no doubt about that, but I did my best to push all those feelings down to allow me to continue being his friend.
Of course, it didn’t exactly work out as well as I’d hoped in the end, but I did try my best.
He was cute even then. He had short, brown hair, hazel-colored eyes, and dimples that cropped up every time he smiled. It certainly wasn't only me who noticed his gorgeousness, which made me wonder where he might be now. He could have a girlfriend, or even a wife. Maybe even kids... I knew he always wanted to be a father, so that was possible. How would I feel if I spotted him in the supermarket or something with a family in tow? Would it bother me? Would I wish that it was me be his side? Or would I simply see him as just another person? I wondered.
Since I’d left, I hadn’t tried to get in contact with him, not even with the explosion of social media. Sure, the temptation to look him up on Facebook had cropped up from time to time, particularly after a few glasses of wine with the girls, and once after a particularly bad day with a man named Buzz who always referred to himself in the third person, but it wasn't an urge that I’d ever followed through on. I just never knew where it was going to end up leading, and that scared me enough to keep me away.
When I left, I told myself that I would put it all in a box at the back of my mind, and that I would never, ever think of it again. I’d always tried to stay true to that promise. When someone tore your heart out, splitting your chest apart, you don't want to go back to that.
Yet here I was, doing just that.
I sighed deeply to myself and stood up, making the decision to start packing. I couldn't simply sit around and feel sorry for myself, not when I still had so much to do. I needed to get all the shit organized and wrapped properly so the movers didn’t have to do a lot.
It had to be better than thinking about damn Matthew Turner anyway. Anything was better than that.
I decided to pack my bookshelf up first, figuring it would be a good, easy place to start, but I quickly realized just how wrong I was. Not only did I have more books than any person should ever need in their whole damn lives, but I also had some that took me right back into the past. Books I didn’t even realize I had there with me, such as my high school yearbook.
Despite the warning bells ringing loudly in my brain, I flicked through the pages quickly, already knowing the image I was looking for, and soon enough, I found it. My fingers ran lightly across the picture as I drank it all in. It was me, sitting on Matthew’s back, and we were both laughing wildly at something he’d just said. I loved the picture because it was filled with a pure, carefree joy, but it was also a little sad, too, because now with hindsight, I knew where this would end up.
That love in my eyes, that hope in my heart, it would all be dashed soon enough, and that was bittersweet.
I rolled my eyes and slammed the book shut, a hot fire coursing through my body. This was just fucking great; already I was a mess and I hadn’t even seen him yet.