Chapter Fifteen
Matthew
Saturday, Day Of The Lottery Drawing
I couldn't face breakfast alone in my sad, lonely apartment where memories of Ashlee were all over the walls, so I headed to the local coffee shop, instead. Everywhere I looked, all I could see was her: that gorgeous body, her beautiful face contorted in ecstasy, and it was killing me inside. I hated the fact that things had gotten so weird between us all over again, especially considering the way it had gone last time. It was the worst case of déjà vu I’d ever experienced in my whole, damn life.
Why could things never just be simple between us? Why couldn't we just seem to make things work? I didn’t like to think of it as a sign that we simply weren’t meant to be, but how else could I view it?
If I was to learn now that we were never going to make it work, it would mean everything had been for nothing. All that hurt I’d held onto for all those years, all the women I’d hurt just trying to fill up the massive, gaping hole that she left in my heart, the small glimmer of hope I’d clung onto despite myself... It would all come to nothing.
I sipped the hot coffee and took a bite of the toast that was slowly getting colder with every passing moment, wishing desperately that things could be different. I hated the fact that it was Peggy’s illness that had brought me and Ashlee back into the same town, and it was even worse because I’d seemingly screwed things up all over again.
For a split second, I allowed my eyes to slide shut as I thought about how simple things were back when we assumed we had it all going for us. I remembered her lilting laugh, her pouting lips when things didn’t quite go her way, the way her hair fell past her shoulders, growing increasingly messy as the day went on.
I’d loved her so innocently then, so wholly. There was never any of this second-guessing, this confusion, which was making it even more difficult to comprehend. Before Ashlee’s father died, I never had to try and work out what she was thinking or how she was feeling; she always just told me. I wished we could be like that once more.
“Hi, Doctor Turner,” a voice burst out, dragging me from my thoughts. “It’s unusual to see you here on a Saturday morning.”
“Oh, hi, Mr. Smith,” I grinned at him. I knew that we were out of the clinic, and that I could have called him by his first name, but it felt like we had a mutual respect and I wanted to keep that alive. “How are you doing today?”
“Well, I’ve been writing all week,” he told me quite seriously. “Trying to get my book finished, but today, I’m focusing solely on the lottery numbers... Gotta hope again! You never know.” That comment reminded me of my own ticket which I’d slipped into my wallet before washing my pants the night before. “I’ve played my lucky numbers again.”
“You have lucky numbers?” I smiled bemusedly at him. “How did that happen?”
“I played these numbers thirty-five years ago, on the instruction of my late wife June, and I’ve just been doing the same ever since. They’ve never actually been lucky for me, but I figure they must be at some point, right? And today, when the winnings are so high, well, I’m hoping that this is going to be the one for me.”
“Wow,” I nodded happily at him, examining his ticket closely. “Thirty-five years with the same numbers. You are definitely due a win.”
“Well, as it’s on tonight, this might be the last you see of me. I’ll be off if I win the billion dollars, exploring every inch of this wonderful planet,” he joked, which had me laughing loudly. “If not, I’ll see you next week, okay?”
“See ya then!”
As he shuffled off, I glanced around the coffee shop, wondering how I would feel if I won. Would I be as desperate as Mr. Smith to get the hell out of Florence, or would I want to stay among the people that I’d known my entire life? I couldn't imagine living anywhere else, existing with other people, which may have made me a little closed minded, but that was just the way I preferred to live my life. Travelling around and living everywhere might have been Mr. Smith’s idea of happiness, but mine was right there.
Of course, I could have been a whole lot happier, but I was trying not to think too much about that one.
*****
The television was playing in the background as I set about cooking a sad meal for one. I used to think that only having myself to truly worry about was awesome and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it seemed that now that Ashlee was back, my entire view had been shifted, and everything that had once pleased me no longer did.
Maybe if we’d just met now and we didn’t have our complicated history, if we’d just met in the bar and she’d come back to my place, she would be with me, cooking alongside me, making jokes, laughing at me, generally making me happy.
Or maybe I would have simply viewed her as another one night stand, not worth my time for anything more serious...
“...and this week’s rollover lottery number are...”
I was half listening to the draw, but not as intently as I probably should have been. Instead, my mind was flickering all over the place, picturing different scenarios with Ashlee, wondering what would have been best for us.
“...seventeen...”
As I did that, I stirred idly, trying ensure my food didn’t burn. I’d been known for leaving food to bubble over and burn more than once because of outside distractions and I wasn't in the mood for that. I felt mentally and physically exhausted, and all I wanted to veg out and not think anymore.
“...four...”
My brain was so busy thinking over everything, dissecting absolutely every detail, and I almost couldn't handle it anymore. I just wanted to forget.
Wait...
Seventeen and four – I was sure that I had those numbers. Maybe I was about to win something, after all! I grabbed hold of my wallet and searched frantically for the ticket, finally feeling the first burst of excitement about what could actually be.
“...thirty-two...”
“Shit,” I muttered, noticing that I had that one, too. My heart thundered loudly in my chest as I realized that this was the closest I’d ever been.
“...fifty-two, thirteen, twenty-three...”
“Fuck,” I fell backwards, a buzzing so loud in my ears that I almost couldn't cope. I had all those numbers. I’d damn well won it, and my life was about to change forever.
I was about to go from small-town doctor to billionaire. My debts could be sorted, I could continue to run my practice for the people, I could afford to pay Ashlee if she decided to work for me, and I could even help Peggy with her treatment if she let me.
But then a horrible, cold sensation began to creep right through me as I considered the reality of being a lottery winner. I’d seen a documentary on it once, and it had haunted me for a very long time after, a feeling that was coming back. The winners always said that the money and the publicity that came with it had ruined their lives. People always crawled out of the woodwork, whether they were begging for money, blackmailing you, or selling stories about your sordid secrets to the press, which was something that I couldn’t handle.
Suddenly, all the women I’d slept with in my one-man mission to get over Ashlee flooded my mind, and I imagined them telling the world about me. Some of them I’d done some very kinky things with; on occasion, I’d fucked them in my doctor’s office, and I’d always treated them just a little bit like shit.
What would happen to my practice if that all came to life? I felt like I would lose everything, and that terrified me. Sure, I could have a whole load of money, but I loved my job, I relished my business, I wanted to help others, and I didn’t want that taken away from me.
No one would want to see the doctor who had been involved in a threesome, or who had explored the joys of anal sex with one very willing young lady. Of course, now I could see that I had been just pushing life’s boundaries, trying to stop the pain from eating me alive, but I highly doubted I could get the rest of the world to see that.
I remembered Talia, the sexy model who was just passing through town. Riley, the cougar librarian who had been surprisingly wild. Sara, the baker who had caused an argument with her husband, just to have a quick, back-alley screw with me.
I pictured all of them flooding back into my life, demanding things, yelling at me, making me feel awful, and a panic attack started to form in my chest, making my heart hurt under the pain of it all. I couldn't cope with my past mistakes coming to light; I never wanted to think about them ever again. As soon as I was done with those women, I wanted to just forget about them, and up until that moment, I’d managed to do that quite successfully.
Headlines and images of what my life could become filled my mind, and I stuffed the lottery ticket back into my wallet, where I never wanted to look at it again.
In the space of one second, it had gone from something utterly freeing to the heaviest weight on my shoulders I would ever experience. If I never claimed the money, my life wouldn’t change, but since I was fairly happy, that wasn't too bad. If I did claim the money, everything would be new, and I wasn't quite sure that I could handle that.
I needed to get out; I couldn't stand being indoors for another second longer, so I switched off the food I’d been cooking, abandoning it completely. I desperately needed a beer, even if it would be by myself, so I decided to head to the bar and eat there. Being left alone with my thoughts was dangerous at the best of times, but now it was positively lethal. No, I couldn't be left alone.
Maybe… Could I give the ticket to Ashlee? After all, I knew that she needed it, as did her mom. But then I thought about it, and I really considered the sort of person that she was and I knew for a fact she wouldn’t take it. She would see it as charity, as the easy way out. Plus, there was no way she’d want all the publicity, either…
“Willy?” I said into the phone as soon as he answered. “Meet me out for a drink tonight?”
“What’s wrong, dude? You sound fucking awful,” he asked, laughing lightly at me.
I half considered telling him, just to hear what he thought, but I decided against it at the very last second. I just needed one more night being the man that I’d always been, the Matthew Turner he’d always known. If I did make the decision to take the money, everything would change, so I just wanted to be myself for a little while longer.
“Just a shit week at work,” I told him quickly, figuring I would make up some lies about that later. Although, to be honest, there were a lot of true stories I could throw in there, so maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. I could even tell him about how things were going tits up with Terri. When I considered what I could be hearing, an “I told you so” didn’t seem so bad. “Just meet me there.”
“Will do,” he replied, just like I knew he would. Willy could always be relied on in my hour of need, however pointless it was. “See you in five.”