Chapter Twenty-Four
Ashlee
Monday Night
My heart pounded with excitement as we stepped into the bar. Sure, Matthew had seemed a little confused when I talked to him back at the office, but I got the impression that his head was elsewhere entirely. He was probably coming to terms with the fact that his life was completely changing. I hoped it was that anyway; I was trying not to take it personally, at any rate.
The fact that Matthew had decided to hire a new nurse suggested he wasn't planning on selling and leaving the town behind any time soon, which of course meant I was going to be able to keep my job. It also meant I might just get another shot with him.
For a brief flash, I wondered if he thought my turnaround was more to do with his money than anything else, but I quickly shook that thought from mind. Matthew knew me; he’d known me when we were kids, and he knew for a fact that I wasn't like that. My change of heart had been about discovering the truth when it came to him and Kerri, and I was sure he would know that.
“You look really nice tonight,” Kerri grinned at me, flicking her eyes over my outfit. I was wearing a turquoise dress, black heels, and I had my hair hanging wavy and loose. I’d really tried, hoping Matthew could see that I was really trying, and I couldn't wait to finally have a decent chat with him.
“Thank you,” I replied, blushing. “You look lovely, too.” Again, Kerri looked heart-stopping, but for the first time, I didn’t feel too intimidated by that. I felt kind of good about myself, and that was awesome. I had a confidence flowing through me that hadn’t ever been there before.
“I think you guys both look beautiful,” a distinctly male voice spoke out behind us, causing us both to snap around in shock. Behind us, we saw a sheepish-looking Willy.
My first thought as I smiled at him was how good-looking he was. Beneath all the gruffness, underneath all that awkwardness, he was a handsome guy. Kerri should have given him a real chance. Just because he wasn't her usual type, it didn’t make him a bad guy. He’d stuck around for over two years, for crying out loud. I didn’t know any other guy who would do that.
The second thought was that if Willy was there, Matthew had to be, too. He’d actually come. But as I discretely looked behind him, I could see that his table had only one empty pint glass on it. My heart sunk a little, but I tried not to get too disheartened. Maybe he would come along later.
“Would you girls like a drink?” Willy asked, indicating towards the bar. “You can come and sit with me, if you like.”
I nodded, even though I didn’t want to, just in case Kerri and Willy started making out again. I wasn’t in the mood to be a third wheel, not that night of all nights. But at the same time, I didn’t want to stand in the way of my friend’s happiness. I had the real feeling that they were meant to be and that she was the last one to see that, so I would sacrifice my own feelings for her.
As we sat down at the table, I couldn't stop myself from asking the one question that I really shouldn’t have. I knew that it was going to be a bad idea, and that it might make me look a little stalker-ish, but I couldn't seem to resist.
“So...is Matthew coming tonight?” I stammered a little over my words, feeling my face heat up. “He just, he said that he might.”
Willy shook his head, and I couldn't help but notice the look lingering there behind his eyes. He was worried about his friend, which meant that I should be, too. “No, he said that he couldn't come tonight because of work, but I really think that there might be more to it than that.”
“What do you mean?” I leaned in closer, desperate to know more. “Has something happened?”
“He’s just been a little...strange ever since he won the money. I think that all the news stories coming out about him have affected him badly, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore.”
I’d read some of the stories, of course, but they’d been too personal for me to go too far into detail about. I didn’t want to know about his very adventurous sex life; that made me extremely uncomfortable when I hadn’t been through anything like that in my own life. I also didn’t want to know the bitter stories about how Matthew had treated them afterwards.
It was difficult to decipher the truth from the sensationalism anyway, but it was more than that. The man who I knew was nothing like the one written about, and I didn’t want my view tainted – especially when not all of it was the truth.
I tried to put myself in Matthew’s position for a moment, wondering how I would react to having my private life splashed all over the papers, and it made me crawl inside. No wonder he didn’t want to come out, to be bombarded in public. I couldn't have imagined anything worse.
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I mumbled to Kerri and Willy, needing just a little time out. “Just give me a second.”
I staggered out of the room, needing to suck in just a few deep breaths of air to calm myself down. I hated to think of Matthew going through all of that by himself. I knew firsthand what it was like to want to shut the rest of the world out, and I wanted to help him. But of course I couldn't, not if he didn’t want to.
Come on, Ashlee, I thought to myself, staring at my determined reflection in the mirror. Just get out there and have a good night out with your friend. There’s nothing you can do until Matthew wants help.
It was an ironic role reversal. I shut Matthew out when my dad died, and he went out to party; now, I was out while he needed help. I could see how easy it was to want to shut problems out until the other person wanted to talk, which put the majority of the blame for our split on me.
As I got back out into the bar, I noticed Kerri standing there alone. “Where’s Willy?” I asked her.
“I sent him away; I think this needs to be a girls’ night,” she replied quite seriously. I could tell she wanted me to talk, and I found myself wanting to, just a little bit. I’d had something of a revelation in the bathroom, and I wanted to discuss it with my friend.
But before I got the chance to speak, a couple of douchey-looking guys came along, putting their arms over our shoulders in unison, clearly pulling a move. I tried to shake one off, while rolling my eyes at Kerri, who also looked pissed off.
“Can we buy you ladies a drink?” the guy who was standing closest to me said in a smarmy voice. “You look lonely over here.”
“No, thank you,” I replied sharply, really not in the mood. I knew these types of guys; they were chancers, hitting on as many women as possible until someone finally agreed to go home with them. I had no intention of wasting any time on them, leading them on when it was never going to go anywhere. Not only was I not that kind of woman, I also didn’t need any more complications in my life.
“In fact, Kerri, shall we go home? I’d much rather have a beer out on the porch.”
Kerri giggled and slung her arm through mine before we stalked out of the bar together. The night might have been a bust, but if I had my best friend by my side, it really didn’t matter.
“So,” Kerri started, as soon as we were sitting outside my home. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Yeah,” I admitted with defeat. “I need to. I’m really seriously confused when it comes to Matthew. I don't even know what to do.”
“Oh God,” she groaned in a joking manner. “It’s high school all over again.”
“Well, to be honest, that’s a big part of it,” I told her honestly. “I instantly shut Matthew out, well, everyone out, as soon as I left town. That was because of our big fight. I was hurt by how he reacted after my dad died, I was upset because he went to that party when I needed him, and I didn’t give him a chance.”
I sighed deeply, seeing all my mistakes through adult eyes. “Now I can see that he just didn’t know to cope. He was dealing with his own pain, and I didn’t acknowledge that.” I hung my head, guilt flowing through me. “Now he’s going through his own suffering for whatever reason, and I’m the one that’s shut out.”
Kerri leaned forward and grabbed my hands. “Babe, I know that this sucks at the moment, but I really feel about the pair of you now the same way that I did back then. You’re meant to be together.”
Her words flowed through me, striking a chord in my heart. That was the way that I’d always felt, too, however much I tried to ignore it. “Sometimes I want to bash your heads together to make you see it, but I know you will eventually.”
“I hope so,” I mumbled, forcing out a weak smile. “And, I also hope that you see how great Willy is. I know you find him embarrassing, but I think he’s great.”
“I know,” she admitted, looking sheepish. “I am starting to see that myself. I think I’ve been stupid, shutting him out because of my own, shallow stupidity. I guess in a way, because I’ve never left this town, I clung to a high school version of myself, too, making me no better than Harry.” She flushed bright red, and I could tell that it was hard for her to accept. “I just... I don't know how to get out of that loop now. How do I just say, ‘Sorry, Willy, I’ve been a dick. I want to be with you?’”
“Erm...just like that,” I told her, laughing. “Honestly, I think Willy adores you. I think he would love you to say that. If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that life is too short. And not only that, but silence gets you nowhere. I was silent for far too long, I ran away for ten years, and look where it got me.”
“You’re right,” Kerri answered sadly. “I know you’re right; it just isn’t that easy.”
Never had I heard a truer statement. Talking things through wasn't easy; it was a whole lot easier to just ignore it, but that also got you nowhere. I was living proof of that. As I said my goodbyes to Kerri, and I wandered up the stairs, I allowed all the times I’d been too quiet flow through my mind. With the past in mind, I grabbed hold of my high school yearbook once more, wanting to relive it through all those images.
If I was going to make a change in my life, one as huge as actually saying what I was feeling for a change, then I wanted to spend one more moment in the past.