Chapter Eight
Ashlee
Monday, After The Appointment
I couldn't stand to go in the house, not with this new information swirling through my mind. I mean, I knew Mom was sick, but I had no idea it was this bad.
Stage-four cancer sounded so...terminal. What the hell was I supposed to do about that? I couldn't survive without my mother; I couldn't cope if she died. She was all that I had left, she was the only family I had. What would I do if I ended up totally alone in the world?
I didn’t mean to go down such a morose train of thought, but I couldn't help remembering how bad things had been when my dad died. That was different in that it happened suddenly, none of us were expecting it, but I was sure that the aftereffects would be the same.
Mom had barely coped with losing Dad, and I knew for a fact that was the reason she’d left as soon as I did, but I didn’t think I would be able to do that. I’d already run away once, all the way across the country to New York, and I’d just given that life up to come back here. I didn’t know if I could handle another escape.
Then again, would I be able to stay if my mom wasn't around anymore? It didn’t bear thinking about.
I heard a car pulling up into the driveway and I flicked my eyes up in shock, wondering who it might be. After that totally bizarre, and, quite frankly, inappropriate moment in Matthew’s office earlier, I had the horrible feeling that it was going to be him... But luckily, it was the one person I could tolerate at that moment: Kerri.
Ever since we’d seen one another again, it was as if our years apart had been literally nothing. We’d simply slipped back into our friendship so well that it made me regret ever letting her go.
When I ran out on Florence, I’d wanted to cut ties with literally everything to give me the fresh start that I so desperately needed, but now I could see how stupid that was. Kerri was an amazing person, and if she’d always been in my life, maybe I wouldn’t have been feeling the insane mess I was.
“Hey,” she smiled sadly at me, pulling herself out of the car, showing me that she already knew some of what was going on. “Your mom called me. She told me you were feeling sad.”
Just as I was about to launch into my whole tirade about everything that was going on, unloading all my emotions, she moved across to the other side of the car and unhooked her son.
“Oh, this must be Grant!” I exclaimed in shock. “It’s really nice to meet you, little man.”
We had a little play for a while, and I was surprised to see how well I got along with him. I had loved kids and wanted a family of my own, but I’d never been around any children to know that I would be any good at it. All my friends in New York were dedicated career women who didn’t have any time for nonsense like being pregnant.
“He’s a great kid,” I told my friend honestly. “You’ve done a really great job with him.”
“Thank you.” She smiled that motherly smile at her son; the sort that was filled with such a pure and unconditional love that it made my heart melt. That was what I wanted for myself: love, a family, a future. In New York, I’d been wholly focused on just getting by, so I hadn’t allowed that sort of stuff to fill my mind, even for a second. “It hasn’t always been easy, doing it by myself, but I think we do okay.”
The question was there, hanging in the air, about who Grant’s father was, but since she seemed reluctant to tell me before, I could only assume she genuinely didn’t know. Either that or it was someone embarrassing, someone I knew. In this town, where people didn’t tend to leave, that could have been anyone we went to school with.
As Grant played with a ball in the yard, Kerri turned to look at me with concern in her eyes. “So, your mom mentioned she got some bad news today.”
I sighed deeply before telling Kerri all about it. Having that little time out to play with Grant was good because it took my mind off things for a moment, but now, delving back into it was almost even more painful.
“It seems like her cancer is really bad, almost at stage four, and at risk of spreading.” My heart fell a little as I had to say those words aloud; it almost made it more real somehow. “I mean, the doctor gave us all these pamphlets filled with treatment options that I think might help, but it’s almost as if she’s resigned to her fate. I can’t help but feel like she’s just...giving up.” Tears threatened to fall, but there was a block in the way, as if a numbness had set in with the goal of protecting my heart a little.
“That doesn’t sound like the Peggy Baker I know and love,” Kerri joked, obviously trying to make me feel a little better. “She’s a fighter, your mom. I can’t see her just giving up like that.”
“I think she’s accepting her fate because of money,” I confided quietly in her. “I think she’s afraid because she doesn’t feel like she can afford it. I mean, that’s why she came back here – because the treatment was so expensive before. I guess the doctor here is doing it for a better price.” I still couldn't stand to say his name; it made me feel a little sick. “I wish that I could help her, but I just don’t have anything. In New York, I was making just enough to get by because it’s such an expensive city, and I don’t even have a job here yet. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Kerri put her arms around me, pulling me in for a comforting hug, and for a moment, I simply fell into her embrace, allowing her to at least attempt to reassure me. “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself,” she insisted. “I know you want to help, but you have to remember that your mom is a grown woman who can make her own decisions.”
I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but the result was actually worse. How could I just step aside and let her die? How could I just accept that was what she wanted to do and just be okay with that? This affected me, too; I would be the one left behind with my life in tatters, so didn’t I get a say? Or was that just me being selfish?
“Maybe we should get out for a bit tonight,” Kerri continued. “I could get a babysitter for Grant and we could head out to the bar for a few drinks. You look like you could use a time out, a bit of space to blow off some steam.”
“But Mom-” I started, indicating towards the house.
“Your mom will be just fine without you for a few hours,” she jumped in firmly. “I insist.”
“Okay,” I finally conceded, seeing no way out. “Sounds good.”
*****
It was strange heading to the local bar because before I left Florence, I was much too young to drink alcohol. I’d been in through the doors before, and at the time I thought it was the epitome of awesome, but now with wiser eyes, I could see that it was a simple, family-run bar with a cozy atmosphere. Compared to the cool, swish bars I was used to in New York, it was kind of dull... But I liked that. It made me feel more at home.
“Are we too overdressed?” I hissed at my friend, glancing down at our dresses dubiously. When we headed up to my wardrobe to find something to wear, Kerri had instantly pulled out a couple of my fanciest, knee-length dresses, begging to borrow one, which of course I agreed to. It had all been a good laugh back at my house, with mom egging us on to go out and have a good time, but now I felt silly now that we were out there. I was in a black, sweetheart-neckline number, and Kerri was wearing my bright-red skater dress, and we looked totally out of place.
“Of course not,” she laughed. “Well...maybe, but I don't care. I’m a mom now; I never get to go out anymore. I want to make the most of it.”
I attempted to adopt her carefree attitude, but I couldn't seem to quite find it, however hard I tried, so instead, I slunk behind her up to the bar, where I listened to her order us a couple of glasses of white wine. Maybe I would feel a little better with a bit of booze in my system.
Out of a need for something to do as Kerri flirted with the bartender, I allowed my eyes to scan over the bar, just to see if there was anyone else there I might remember. I tried to recall another face I’d like to see, but honestly, there wasn't anyone. Everyone else had been ships, merely passing through my life, I didn’t think there was any reason to reconnect with them. None of them would ever be as important to me as Kerri.
And then my eyes found him, sitting in the corner of the bar with another guy, a pint sitting in front of him, and a pale shock to his face as he stared back at me, too. Crazy bolts powered through me, rendering me frozen to the spot, simply staring at him like a mental person.
Why can’t we seem to avoid one another? Why does this keep on happening?
As I stared at Matthew again, this time in a more social environment, I couldn't stop my brain from going back to that horrifying moment, the one that changed absolutely everything.
It was the day I’d gotten my college acceptance letter, a happy moment in a time of my life that was so incredibly bleak. My dad had died only a few days before in a terrible motorcycle accident. I loved my dad; he was the center of my universe, so to lose him like that with no warning, it totally crushed me. With the rug of my life pulled out from beneath me, I didn’t even know what to think, never mind how to act.
How are you supposed to carry on when you’ve lost the most important person in your life?
With a whole range of emotions coursing through me, I had raced to Matthew’s home to tell him the good news. We’d always intended to go to college together, so I couldn't wait to find out where he had gotten into, as well, so we could finally discuss our future. Damn it, I needed something to look forward to! I knew my dad would want me to go, I knew how proud of me he was, so all I wanted to do was get the hell out of town to a place which didn’t hold any memories.
But when I got to his front door, his mother sadly informed me that he’d decided to go out to the party the rich kid in our year was holding. That information totally crushed me. How could he go out partying when my life was falling apart? Did I mean so little to him? And what the hell was I going to do now?