Chapter Twenty-Five
Matthew
Tuesday
I took a deep, shaky breath, finally doing the thing that I’d been avoiding for about a week.
My phone had been going crazy and not many people knew that number, so I was certain that my email inbox was going to be full messages that I didn’t want to read. My email address was readily available online, so I knew that anyone could get it, including the people that I least wanted to speak to in the world. I had the horrible, sinking sensation that this was where I would find all the things I’d been fearing most, and to be honest, I wanted nothing more than to just avoid it.
But unfortunately, I was going to have to tackle it eventually; it was how I ran a lot of my business. I couldn't just ignore it, not if I wanted to keep the practice running, which despite everything was one of my main priorities.
I closed my eyes, my breaths coming out ragged, and I impatiently waited for the page to load, feeling my heart race like crazy. I felt panicky and a little sick, which wasn't like me at all.
Since the incident with Ashlee and her dad’s funeral, I thought that I’d grown as a person and that I dealt with my issues better, but it seemed that I was wrong. Maybe it was just the stuff that I was deeply, emotionally invested in that affected me that deeply. I knew I needed to work on my coping skills, but today wasn't the day for that.
When I finally flicked my eyes back open again, I found over two hundred messages awaiting me. Two hundred awful, unwelcome messages, screaming out for my attention.
‘Hi, Matthew, I don't know if you remember me, but...’
‘Maybe we should talk about what happened that night...’
‘Hi, Doctor Turner, this is Neil Hamm here from the Walford Gazette...’
‘I hate to reach out like this, but I’m in desperate need for money...’
‘Hey, Matt, remember me? How about another fun night? ;) xxx’
Endless messages confirming my worst fears. People I hadn’t spoken to in years, wanting to hang out. Others begging for money, some wanting to sleep with me all over again, blackmail...endless blackmail.
This was exactly what I hadn’t wanted; this was the exact reason I begged to claim the money without the publicity, but of course, they wouldn’t let me do it. They wanted their story, and they damn well got it, plus a whole lot more. I bet they thought that they’d struck gold when all those women came forward with dirt on me.
I scrolled through them all, making the decision to delete anything that had nothing to with work, which was a long and arduous task, but one that was essential just for my sanity. I felt a little lighter as more and more of them disappeared, like I was finally taking control and doing something positive. That was, until I came across a name that struck a cold fear into my heart.
Terri Holmes.
“What the fuck?” I murmured. What the hell could Terri want now? Weren’t we totally done now? I really didn’t feel like we had anything left to say to one another, which made me very anxious. Why the hell had she decided to email me? That felt so serious. Plus, the subject line was empty, which made me very uncomfortable. I couldn't resist opening it, just in case it was something that I needed to know.
‘Matthew,
I’m honestly still reeling from the shitty way that you’ve treated me, and I don’t know what the fuck I saw in you in the first place. You’re an emotionally-stunted fuckwit with ridiculous commitment issues. On top of that, you don't even have anything going for you. A business that doesn’t make any money, looks that are fading every single day, and a selfish tendency which left me dissatisfied every single time. And I mean every time... I’ve become an expert in faking it.
Despite all of that, I don't know how you didn’t realize that I was developing feelings for you. There’s no way I would have stuck around otherwise. What possible other reason could I have for staying by your side?
Okay, sure, you have the money now, maybe that’s something, but I’ll be happy in the knowledge that you will never ever have an emotional connection with anyone ever again. People will only ever want you for that. Especially Ashlee. She wasn't interested before, but I can sure as hell bet that she’s showing interest now.
Anyway, I would say rot in hell, but I think I describe my feelings very well in my news story, coming soon!
Terri x’
“Fuck,” I muttered to myself, shaking my head. There was so much truth to her words, so many fucking fears confirmed, and I didn’t know what the hell to do about it. I shut my computer down quickly, unable to deal with any more bad news. It was unbearable, utterly overwhelming, and it was driving me insane.
I tried to get myself in the state of mind to go to work, but I quickly realized that it wasn't going to happen. I needed a time out, a mental health day, and I felt the intense desire to get out on the ocean. I’d become accustomed to using the sea air to help me clear my head since my younger days with Ashlee’s father, and I needed that once more.
Luckily, I had a friend that I could do that with.
I put in a call to the office receptionist, telling her I was too sick to come in. It was a shock to her because I’d never pulled a sick day before, but she acted professional all the same. She told me to get better soon, and that she would reschedule all my appointments for another day, for which I was extremely grateful. It gave me the whole day to sort myself out.
For a split second, I wondered what Ashlee would think about me being away, before shaking that thought from my mind. I couldn't worry about her, not right now; I needed to be concerned about organizing my brain space instead.
I called Willy, and luckily for me he answered on the first ring, as if he’d been waiting for me to finally get in touch.
“Hey, dude, you okay?” he asked, concern lacing his tone.
“Hi, Willy, can I come out on the boat with you today? I really need some space.”
He answered positively, lifting my spirits, so by the time I’d hung up the phone, I felt a whole lot better about everything.
*****
The sun beat down on my shoulders, warming me. As soon as the boat got out onto to ocean, I felt my blood pressure lower, the knot of anxiety loosen, and the real Matthew float back to the surface. I couldn't be myself back at the office, around the public, but with my best friend, I could just be me, and that felt incredible.
“So, are you okay?” Willy eventually asked once our lines were in the water. “You’ve been a little...off the grid recently. I’ve been worried.”
“It’s just the fucking money,” I told him through gritted teeth. “I mean, it feels good to have it in my account, and to know that I can do a lot of good with it, but it’s a massive pressure, too. Like, people are crawling out of the woodwork, asking for stuff, piling it all on, and I can’t deal.” I sighed deeply, accepting defeat. “This is the most normal that I’ve felt in ages.”
“It’ll all blow over,” he tried his best to reassure me. “You’ll forget about all this bullshit soon enough, and all that you’ll be left with is the good stuff. That’ll happen; you’ll see.” I nodded at that, desperately hoping that he was right. I needed to get to that stage; this stage was damn near killing me.
“You’ll still have the same people that have always been there.” He pursed his lips thoughtfully, before speaking out once more. “Speaking of which, Ashlee was pretty bummed that you weren’t at the bar last night.”
Urgh, Ashlee...what the fuck am I going to do about her?
My head was still all over the place when it came to her, and Terri had made that worse. Would she only care about me now because of the cash? Would that be all I ever was to her?
“I don't know about Ashlee,” I told him seriously. “It seems like she was only ready to forgive me and actually listen to me once I won the money. I don't know if she actually likes me, or if she just wants me now that I’m rich.”
As I said those words aloud, I realized how damn paranoid I sounded. This wasn't just some random chick: this was Ashlee Baker, the girl that I had such a rich history with, the one that had been there for me for years. What the fuck had happened to me? How had the money already managed to destroy me?
“Dude, don't forget that Ashlee loved you way back when. She adored you back in the day when you could only afford one sock at a time. There’s no way a girl like that would only want you for your money.”
Damn it, it was so obvious. Why couldn't I see it? I imagined how pissed off Ashlee’s dad would be to know that I hadn’t trusted his daughter when she’d given me no reason to be doubtful, and it sickened me.
I was a dickhead. Once more I’d made a total fucking mistake.
“Shit, dude.” I held my head in my hands as everything swirled around me. “Do you think that it’s fixable? I mean, when I screwed up last time, everything fell apart.”
“You were kids back then,” Willy clapped my back and forced me to look up at him. “You’ve both grown up a whole lot. Things are very different. If you both want it to work, then it will.”
Urgh, what a fucking idiot I was. I’d made the decision to shut the door on something that I’d always wanted, just because I was scared. I was afraid Ashlee would turn out to be just like everyone else, even though I already knew she wasn't. I loved this girl, I always had, and it felt like I always would. I had to grasp onto that before it was too late, before I really did lose her forever.
“Look, did you want to go home?” Willy asked me, seeming to sense where my mind was at. “It looks like it’s about to rain anyway, so there isn’t much point in sitting out on the water.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I smiled at him gratefully. “I feel a lot better now; I think it’s just time to get sorted.” Plus, there was still a lot of the good stuff that I needed to do, such as buying Willy his boat, but of course, I wasn't going to say that part aloud. I wanted that bit to be a surprise. “But this has been awesome, even though we haven’t actually caught anything.”
“If it helps,” Willy grinned cheekily. “You will always be ‘one sock’ Matt to me.”
That statement had me roaring with laughter. Of course, not everyone’s opinion of me would change because of the money; I had to remember that. I needed to focus more on the people that had always been there, and that always would be, rather than those who were about to cling on. I had real friends, real connections, and those were the ones that I needed to cling onto.
And that included Ashlee. I should have known that. I had a whole lot of making up to do.