Chapter Two
Ashlee
Thursday
I loved my office, I really did. It was the one thing about New York that I truly adored. Sure, my apartment was okay and the city was nice enough, but it was really my office that did it for me.
It made me feel like I’d made it. It was a whole room to myself – one with massive, floor-to-ceiling windows that allowed me to enjoy the huge expanse of world stretched out in front of me. I could look out of that window and see the hundreds of people walking below. I often lost myself in wondering what their lives were like, and that was something that I hadn’t ever wanted to give up.
When I moved to the city in a hurry, I hadn’t expected to land on my feet quite so quickly. But much to my surprise, the first job I applied for as a speech therapist turned out to be the one for me. I was hired on the spot at the interview, and that was where I’d stayed ever since.
To be honest, I thought I would always work at the same job for the rest of my life, but because of circumstances out of my control, I was having to leave it all behind – the job, the apartment, New York... But it was my office that I was going to miss the most. That and the friends I’d made working in it.
“Come with me,” my friend Eileen grinned at me, shrugging lightly. “Come on, you knew that it was going to happen. You knew the guys weren’t going to just let you leave without doing something for you; just act surprised, okay?”
I followed behind her with an odd fluttering occurring in my heart. No one knew the reason why I was leaving except for my boss, and I was certain that I’d have a million and one questions flying my way about it – questions I would have to keep batting off if I didn’t want to break down. There was no way I could tell these people what was going on with my life and still hold it together; it just wouldn’t happen.
To be fair, I’d managed to keep it to myself ever since I’d handed my notice in a few weeks before, so a couple more hours shouldn’t be too hard. People just couldn't understand why I was leaving behind a life that I seemed so happy in, and to be honest, I was struggling with it myself.
“Surprise!” they all yelled, bursting out from odd places in the canteen, and although I was expecting it, it did make me jump, so at least my reaction was somewhat real.
“Oh my God, guys,” I was already tearing up; this wasn't going well. “This is so nice.”
“We baked you a cake, too,” someone told me excitedly, and I made my way over to the table to spot a suspicious-looking cake that had clearly been created by someone who didn’t do it all the time and laughed loudly at the words written across it.
‘Gud luck! Wheel miss you!’
They were obviously making fun of our job, and that made me feel very happy. I was glad I’d made close enough friendships that they felt like they could tease me... I was just sad to have to leave it all behind.
“That’s great. Thank you so much, everyone.”
As I looked at all their faces in turn, I had to really force myself to remain strong. This didn’t have to be forever. I might have been moving back to Oregon, but that didn’t mean I couldn't come back and visit. I could come and see these people whenever I wanted, and it would be even better because we would all make an effort to really hang out and have a good time.
But even as I tried to convince myself of that, I knew it wouldn’t be the case.
I wasn't naive enough to not understand how things worked. People were always friends with their colleagues during the time that they worked together, but once that was over, the friendship would slowly die. You would quickly find that you never had anything in common with them except for your job, and over time, things would simply fizzle out...and that was when you remained in the same city. I was going to a whole new state. This really was the end of an era.
*****
I did my best to enjoy the small talk of the next hour, but I was already starting to feel a segregation, a sense that I no longer belonged. It wasn't purposeful, not by anyone, but things were already becoming different.
My mind wandered as some of the girls discussed a new patient coming their way in the following weeks, and I started to think about all that I still needed to do. I knew I wouldn’t be able to pack while I was still working; I spent far too long burning the candle at both ends to even attempt it, which was why I’d agreed to leave a few days earlier. I figured that having some time to do nothing but get organized would be good for me, but now that it was time, the prospect was almost overwhelming.
How the hell was I supposed to just up and move my entire life? I had everything there, all my belongings, and that was going to be a bitch to get right all the way across the country.
“Hey, Ashlee,” Eileen nudged me playfully. “Maybe you’ll find love in Oregon! Maybe that’s where all the good guys are these days; they certainly aren’t here!”
Of course, this brought about a conversation centered on all the bad dates that everyone had been on recently, which was just another chat I couldn't get involved in. When I first moved to the city with a broken heart, I had tried to get out there and to find someone new, but it quickly became clear that I was a lost cause, so I had given up. I stopped going on dates, but the thought of restarting that in Florence was even more terrifying than doing it in New York.
At least in New York I could remain anonymous; in Florence, most people would remember me, and the ones that didn’t would know my name soon enough. It was a fishing village where most people were born and didn’t leave. Maybe that would have been me if things had been different, but of course, I’d moved away without any intention of coming back.
The emotion suddenly became too much for me and I needed a moment alone, so I stood up sharply and made my way to the bathroom, hoping to be able to get a break, but before I could get there, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Oh, I’m...” I started, but as I spotted my boss Dan standing in front of me, I allowed the façade to slide just a little bit. He was the only one who knew the truth about why I was leaving, so I no longer needed to act like everything was okay.
When I got the news that my mother was sick and I made the decision to go and be with her, despite the fact that she was returning to the place where I thought I would never end up again, I had to tell him. Dan was an amazing and understanding man, so I knew he would be a good listening ear, but it was more than that. I felt like I owed him the truth about why I was turning my back on such an amazing job.
“Can you come into my office for a second?” he asked with concern in his eyes. “I just want a little word before you leave us forever.”
I followed closely behind him, glad to be able to have a moment alone to say goodbye to him, even if it did mean that I would have to delve into the emotions I was doing my best to keep at bay.
I sat in the seat on the other side of Dan’s desk, like I had done a million times before, knowing it was going to be my last time.
“I just want to check how you are,” he started inquisitively, giving me a look that suggested he wanted to see deep into my soul to work out what the hell was going on with me. Well, he would have a job with that one; I wasn't even sure myself. “And to see what’s going on with your mom.”
“Well, we don’t know any more than last time. She’s just about to see a new doctor, so I’m sure she’ll have more information for me soon.” I sighed sadly, allowing my head to fall a little bit. “But I’m sure it’ll all be fine... After all, she’s put up with me for twenty-eight years. She won’t let a little bit of cancer defeat her.”
I sent Dan a weak smile, but he clearly wasn't falling for it. “Okay, just know that I’m always here for you if you want to talk, and that there will always be a job for you here if you need it.”
“Thank you,” I replied appreciatively, leaning forward in my seat. “I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me and that’s great lovely of you to say.” I didn’t know how much of it was the truth, but it was nice to hear all the same. It made feel an internal sense of gratitude, especially when I thought of how it could have turned out when I came to the city.
I could have ended up jobless, homeless, and having to return there with my tail between my legs. At least now things were different. I was successful, stronger, and over it all. I could go back now with my head held high and my heart intact.
He could have gone by now, anyway. I had purposely not learned anything about his life, so he could have been anywhere else in the damn world. I just had to hope that he was because if I saw him again, I might end up reverting to the young girl I was all those years ago.
“How is it going to be back in your home town?” Dan asked curiously. “Will it be good or really weird?”
I pushed my chair back and stood up, ready to leave. This was not a conversation that I felt comfortable having, but I also didn’t want to blow Dan off, either, not when he was being so caring. After a moment of silence, I replied, instantly noticing a coldness to my tone.
“Some places are better left a memory.”
And Florence, Oregon was one of those places, but I was going to have to push that aside for now for my mother’s sake. Some things were more important than some stupid, ancient history that no longer affected me.
At one point, it had bothered me for every damn second of every day, but that time of my life was over. Now I knew I could tackle it. Sure, it was going to be a little difficult going in, but as soon as that initial awfulness was over, everything would be okay.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you soon,” I smiled at him. “Or... Well, I’ll speak to you soon, anyway.”
With that statement, I walked out of his office to say goodbye to everyone else. The time had come to leave my colleagues behind and to bid farewell to my office, too...and I already knew that was going to be the most difficult goodbye of them all.