The office is quiet. Danger isn’t here obviously, he’s off on his honeymoon with Lunar. Nate’s at the gallery, and I have no idea where Ryan is. But Oliver is in the boardroom, and he nods to me as I pass down the hall. Tillie’s in her office as I make my way past her too. Her head down studying her notebook and she’s typing furiously as she stares at the screen lost in marketing I’m sure. She works so hard. We’d be lost without her.
I continue walking the halls down to the studio. The lights are all off, and as I walk in, I see my bass sitting in its usual spot on the amp. I take a deep breath feeling a little calmer for just being near it. Music soothes me at all times, but especially when I’m feeling on edge. Like I am now. Disagreements are never something I like, and when I have them with people I care about it irks me even more.
Flicking on the main light, the room brightens with a warm ambiance. I love this place. It’s a second home away from home. The guys and I have spent so much time here together, but I’ve spent equally as much time here alone, just playing and working on tracks without them. It’s where I come to think and just be. Although, with Alex around a lot more lately, I’ve been here a lot less. I found a calm place in her that I had here, but now she’s gone, I guess I’ll be spending more time back here again.
Sighing, I move over to the mixing board and open the screen, looking for what song I might want to jam along to. Ryan has obviously been in here because the last tracks that are on the list are from Luminous, and he always likes to jam to their stuff. I often wonder how the girls are doing back in Australia. I should check in on them from time to time. Using the touch screen, I scroll through the list of songs trying to find a playlist I want to jam to. Then I see it and know instantly that it’s exactly what I need right now. I hit sync for it to load into the system and then take the remote with me over to my bass.
I pick it up from the top of the amp and throw the strap over my shoulder. I switch the amp on, knowing all the setting are in the right position for where I like them, and I take a seat on top of the amp. Taking a deep breath, I strum through the four strings feeling the deep bass tones echo through the room. The vibrations from the amp run up through my thighs and into my ass making me weakly smile. This gives me peace. A sense of calm in my chaotic day.
With the remote, I hit play and ‘Kiss Me’ by Ed Sheeran starts to play over the sound system. Instantly, an image of Alex singing at the fire pit springs to mind and my stomach sinks. My fingers settle into place, and I position them over the strings. First plucking at the D chord, then A, then Bm then back to A, and so on as the verse continues. Ed’s voice sings the song perfectly, and although I love his version, I can’t stop thinking of Alex’s, as I play to the song that never really meant anything to me, but is fast becoming one of my favorites. And as I listen to the lyrics, I wonder if they hold more meaning to me than I realize. I don’t sing along, just listen to the words as I strum, the warmth of the lighting shining down, as the vibration hums through me.
Music floods the room, filling the space with the vibrant energy that I love. It’s like a melancholy epiphany, this song could be about Alex and me in another time and place. The song is slow and melodic, even though my mood is somber and reflective, I still get a small thrill from the sound. Like every time I play my bass. But it could also be from the living color memory of Alex and the fire pit.
Mixing the two together could be a toxic combination for me.
Is it possible that even though I only just saw her, I miss her?
I feel like I’m mourning for her. Knowing that I could possibly never see her again is making me feel anxious, and as I play my bass my chest squeezes, and my jaw clenches tight as my teeth grind together. The song plays out in its entirety, and I close my eyes shut tight as they well, before the wall breaks and the tears fall.
I’m stronger than that.
I just need to hold it together.
I know I’ve fucked up.
I hurt her, I know that.
I just want Alex to feel better. ‘Give Me Love’ begins to play and I can’t bring myself to strum the chords as I sit here with my eyes shut just trying to hold it together. I know I won’t cry, I’m stronger than that, but I’m feeling pretty fucking shit all round.
“Jesus Christ, you look like your puppy died. Plus, you’re listening to ‘Give Me Love,’ are you going soft?” Ryan asks, making me snap my head up. He’s standing shirtless in the doorway, sucking on a popsicle dripping in sweat.
Raising my brow as I take a deep centering breath, I clear my throat, hitting the pause button on the remote and pull my bass off over my head as he walks in and takes a seat on the stool next to my amp. “Why are you so sweaty?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Was working out,” he says matter-of-factly.
I glance to the sugary popsicle he’s devouring and grin. “And you spent all that time doing crunches, and now you’re eating that? With your health history?” I ask, and he looks down to the treat, his tongue half-way out, and shrugs again.
“Don’t tell, Tillie. I stole it from Lunar’s freezer. It tastes like a Pina Colada!”
“Oh, so it’s sugary and alcoholic. Jesus, Ryan,” I berate, rolling my eyes.
He chuckles. “It had a two-star health rating on the packet,” he defends.
I chuckle. “Ryan, five is good, so therefore two is bad.”
He slumps his shoulders and frowns. “Oh, shit… oh well, I did twelve extra sit ups today that should cover it, right?”
I chuckle. “Doubtful. But don’t have any more, okay?”
He nods taking a long lick up the stick like an adolescent child. “So, enough about me, why are you in here being a mopey Mandy?”
I scoff. “Am not.”
He snorts and licks his popsicle again. “Are too. Dude, you were nearly having an emotional meltdown when I walked in here.”
Sighing, I slump and rub my hands over my face. “How did you know when you’d fucked things up with Tillie?”
He chuckles. “When she threatened to leave. She was packing up and getting the hell out of here because of me. Fuck man… that makes you feel like fucking shit when the woman you love is walking out. Don’t ever let that happen to you, Matt. The panic you feel when you think they’re leaving and not knowing if you’re ever gonna see them again. Fuck. I grew up quick smart right there in that moment.”
Nodding, I gnaw on my bottom lip. “I don’t think I have to worry about her leaving, but I’m not even sure what I feel for her. How do you know when it crosses from friends to more than that?”
He bumps his shoulder into my leg seeing as I’m sitting higher than him. “That’s a tough call that only you and Alex can make, man.”
I open my eyes wide and cough. “I never said it was Alex.”
He chuckles. “Don’t have to. She’s the only female friend you have besides Tillie, Lunar, and Ria, and if you’re crushing on any of those girls, you’re in for a whole new world of hurt, my friend.”
“Yeah… I did something stupid,” I admit, and his eyes brighten as he smiles wide.
“Oh, please tell.”
“I slept with her, then told her we’re still friends and she took it hard. I’m pretty sure she wants something more from me, but I just don’t know if she’s the right woman for me. Plus, we were friends, you should never date your friend. That’s like common law or something.”
He snorts, throwing his head back with a giant grin. “That’s dramatic, Matt, lots of friends end up being in long lasting relationships. You just have to see if the chemistry is there. Which with you and Alex it is from what I’ve seen and heard.”
“What do you mean from what you’ve heard?” I ask, and he tilts his head while squinting at me.
“You think your brother doesn’t talk about you when you’re not around? Especially, when you and his little coworker get along so well. He sees the way you two are with each other. Nate picked it months back that you two would end up in the sack together.”
Jolting my head back, I take a lung full of air at this news. I had no idea. Nate never said anything to me. “Well, if everyone can see us together, how come I haven’t seen it?”
Ryan sighs and slaps my leg. “Sometimes we’re so focused on our path that we’re blinded by the destination.”
Smirking, I try to hold in my laugh. “Ryan, that’s way too insightful for you.”
He chuckles. “I know. It was on one of Tillie’s journals, but in any case, I think it’s fitting right now. Just think about what you want. Think about what Alex wants, and if it is the same thing, then fuck being friends and go the fuck for it I say. She’s hot as fuck, and man, you need to get laid again ‘cause you were totally about to cry like a little bitch just then, you pussy,” he teases shoving my side and I laugh as I almost fall off the amp.
“Fucker… thanks. I need to call her, don’t I?”
“Yes, you do, and send flowers or chocolates or something she loves. Make it up to her, Matt, show her you want to make it right.”
I nod and pull out my cell as Ryan licks the last of his popsicle. He stands up and slaps me over the head as he walks out of the room. “No more sappy music, cock head, you’re a rock star. Act like it,” he says and walks out with a smirk as I dial Alex’s number. My chest tightens and my stomach sinks. I feel sick, but I need to tell her I’m sorry and make things right.
It rings… it rings… it rings, and eventually dies out.
I swallow hard as I sink into myself. Maybe she just didn’t get to her cell in time. So I try again. I ring, and it rings twice, and then it clearly hangs up. My body tenses and all my muscles go rigid. So she’s really pissed at me. Bringing my foot up I kick the stool Ryan was sitting on, it tumbles to the floor, bouncing a couple of times before rolling slightly then settling. It didn’t help.
“Fuck.”
I wanna message Nate, but without Ria being there he might not be able to read my messages completely, and ringing him with Alex there might piss her off even more. So I decide to leave it for a few hours and try again. I’ll wait until she’s well and truly home for the night, and then I’ll maybe message or try and call when she isn’t at work.
Jumping off the amp, I place my guitar back on the top and switch it off, walking over to the sound system and flicking that off too. I’m going to head home for now, and get lost in more ice cream and maybe work out a bit to try to burn off some of this frustration.