I’m slightly out of breath as I do another sit up, only my twentieth compared to Danger’s thirtieth. Keeping up with someone who’s so physically fit is hard work and more than a little confidence shattering. I mean, I knew my fitness levels had taken a beating, but I didn’t realize how unfit I was. I mean, I’m not terrible. I can still do twenty sit-ups in a row and only be mildly out of breath after doing a round of boxing and cardio, so I’m doing okay. But still, I used to be better than this. I’ve really let myself go and I know why.

Katie would have hated this, to see me like this, letting myself become unhealthy over the guilt of killing her and our baby girl. A twang of pain hits me right in the chest and I fall back on the mat clutching at my chest.

“Shit! Are you okay, Ry?” Danger asks rushing over to me.

I open my eyes and take a deep breath. “Yeah, just had a moment. I’m thinking too much, again.”

Danger nods and puts out his hand to help me up. I take it and he lifts me to my feet. “You’ve been thinking about them more lately. That’s strange for you.”

“I know, it’s this fucking health scare, man… and everything else. It’s fucking with my head.”

Danger glances at me sideways. “Maybe if you saw a counselor?”

“No, I’m fine. I just need to be fitter.”

“Well, the more you train the better at it you’ll get, but I do think you’ve done enough for tonight. You’re really red, and I don’t want your blood pressure getting too high.”

I smirk. “Yes, Mom,” I tease. As I start to walk off my equilibrium falters making the room spin, so I throw my hand out and lean on the wall.

“See, Mother knows best. I know you wanna get fit, Ry, but you gotta do it right. You can’t push too hard or you’ll get sicker.”

“Sick if you don’t exercise, sick if you do. I can’t fucking win.”

Danger moves closer, and I can see him clearly now the room has stopped spinning. “Hey, you can do this, and I’m here to help you every step of the way. Me and Lunar, okay?”

“Yes Mom,” I say with a laugh.

“Good. Now do as your mother says and rehydrate.”

With a smirk, I pick up my water bottle and guzzle down half the contents quickly. We walk back inside where Lunar is cooking dinner. Danger moves in behind and begins to kiss Lunar’s neck but she groans pushing him off.

“Eww… you’re all sweaty.” She giggles.

“You like me hot and sweaty,” Danger teases, turning her around and kissing her lips. She chuckles slapping his chest while I laugh with them.

“I was kicking his ass in sit-ups,” I lie.

“I bet you were, you sexy beast,” she chimes.

“You better believe it, sister!” I reply.

She giggles as Danger slaps her ass then she turns back around to stir the pot.

“How far off is dinner?” I ask.

“About a half an hour,” Lunar tells me.

“Cool. I’m gonna shower.”

Leaving the lovebirds to their love fest, I walk off to head upstairs to my en-suite to get cleaned up. My feet feel heavy, the weight of my exercise session now hitting me full force. As I head for my room my muscles are aching.

Opening the door, my bedroom looks the same as always—very bachelor-esk. I changed it all after Katie died. I didn’t want the constant reminder of her in my room.

I wish I hadn’t done that now.

I wish I still had her things in here with me.

I wish I still had her clothes in our closet.

I wish I still had her perfumes in the en-suite.

I wish I still had her.

But none of it is there.

Danger and Lunar now sleep in Maddie’s room, so none of her stuff is in there either. It’s like their memory has been wiped from this house and replaced with other memories. I had to do it at the time, it was easier not seeing them everywhere. But now, now I long to see one of Maddie’s toys or a piece of Katie’s jewelry lying around.

I miss them. Every day. My stomach churns and I shake my head from the thoughts as I strip off, throwing the sweaty gym clothes in the basket and make my way to the shower. It’s funny how after being so in love with someone and then them being taken from you, how you feel like you could never possibly move on. It’s been nine years and I still feel like that even though I’ve had countless women in my bed. But the thought of falling in love with someone scares the shit out of me. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me, or if I even want to, or if I’m even capable of it.

Turning on the shower, I make it as hot as I can possibly stand it. Stepping in, the water cascades over my sweaty and sticky skin. It burns, but the burn is good. I need it to make me feel alive.

My mind wanders, thinking about how Katie would want me to move on, but how I keep stopping myself from finding that person. A person who’s worth it to lay everything on the line for.

Suddenly a face flashes into my mind and I’m shocked briefly.

Tillie.

I can’t help but think about how understatedly sexy she is when she gets grouchy. A flash of her standing in her office wearing only a bra and her skirt, clambering to cover herself as I walked in, bolts through my brain. My cock hardens and my hand inadvertently moves down to stroke it. I let out a groan as it feels good to let off some tension.

Her face flashes behind my closed eyes again as I tug on my cock and I place my other hand against the wall steadying myself. I pull harder bringing myself a pleasure I haven’t felt for a while.

I’m lost in the feelings when Tillie’s face flashes again, and then it’s like something clicks in my brain. I realize I’m jerking off thinking about my arch nemesis. My hand falls regretfully from my aching cock as I let my erection go to waste. My muscles clench and a slight anger seeps through me that she weaseled her way into my brain in a moment when I was feeling good, and now all I can do is plot my revenge for crawling into my brain and invading that space that’s reserved only for Katie.

 

TILLIE

 

I’m walking into the office about to start another day of work on Recoil PR management when Oliver steps out looking right at me.

“Tillie, can I have a progress report, please?”

“Sure, I’ll just grab my stuff and be right in.” He nods with a smile heading back into the boardroom. I swear he spends more time in there than his office.

Moving into my office I grab the Recoil folders and my notebook computer bag then step off down to the boardroom. I take a seat next to Oliver as he sips on his coffee reading something on his cell.

“So how’s everything looking for the band on social media?”

I bring up my folder to pull out the files. Opening the folder, I pull out the right file and a torrent of rainbow glitter falls out everywhere—all over the desk, all over me, all over the floor. “What the fuck?” I spit out.

Oliver looks at me while shaking his head slightly. I grit my teeth and start to try to wipe up the mess by cupping my hand but Oliver reaches out to stop me. “Leave it, I’ll have a cleaner come in.”

Shaking my head, I flare my nostrils. “I’m going to kill Ryan for this.”

“Are the files on your notebook?” Oliver smirks, he actually smirks.

I nod and sigh in relief. “Yes. Thank God. Everything’s backed up on my computer.” I open my notebook carry bag and go to pull out my notebook. My eyes open wide and tense up as panic ripples through me when I pull the notebook from my bag. It’s also covered in rainbow glitter, so I scream out in annoyance. “No. No. No. No. No,” I say as I swipe it off the outside of the lid, and then slowly open the computer to see the glitter has slid in all through the keyboard. I slump in my chair with tears welling in my eyes and sigh. “Wow,” I murmur.

“I honestly didn’t think Ryan had this in him. He must be really pissed off to resort to this level of childishness,” Oliver says.

“You think?” I blurt out harshly.

He winces and looks at me with sympathy. “I’ll buy you a new one. You backed everything up, right?”

Nodding, I sigh. “Yeah, it’s all in Dropbox. It’s just… my grandma gave me this computer before she… died.” A single tear forms in my eye, but I won’t let it fall. I won’t let him get the better of me.

“I’m sorry, Tillie. I’ll talk to him, tell him this kind of behavior is unacceptable.”

“It’s okay. That might make matters worse. I just have to prove how valuable I can be.”

He smiles squeezing my hand. “That a girl.”

“Sorry about the mess, but I’ll try to get a report to you as soon as I’m able.”

“Don’t stress, Tillie. Let me get a new notebook to you this afternoon and you can show me then.”

The guys suddenly appear in the doorway and filter into the boardroom, then they see the rainbow glitter and all pause looking at the mess sprawled across the floor and table.

All but Ryan look shocked—Ryan is trying to hide a smirk.

“Come in guys. We’re just having a meeting about some new ideas for your concerts. Wait for it…” I pause for effect, “… glitter bombs. We can glitter bomb the crowds, have them sparkling under the strobe lights.”

Oliver smirks as Ryan purses his lips.

“Really, wouldn’t that kinda be an Occ Health and Safety Issue?” Nate asks.

“Hmm… yes, probably true. Best keep glitter bombs to a minimum in future, hey boys?” I jibe looking directly at Ryan. He smiles. “Never know what type of priceless artifact you might completely fuck up,” I say a little harsher.

He winces and the smile falls from his face.

“Okay, this conversation has turned officially weird,” Matt suggests, breaking the awkward tension between Ryan and me.

“Excuse me,” I murmur, standing up and grabbing my notebook. It might be completely fucked, but I’m not letting it go. It’s a piece of Grandma, and as I walk out of the boardroom I wonder for the first time if I’m actually cut out for this bullshit.