DANGER

 

Danger.

That’s the name I go by.

My life so far has been a series of events. They range from catastrophic lows to unimaginable highs.

As I think back now, growing up as the son of two hippies was never going to be easy. But finding my peace in music was the only way I could survive through to maturity. In music I found my haven, my place to belong, my inner peace.

Forming my band Recoil was something that came as a natural progression. At school, I met twin brothers, Matt and Nate. Ryan joined the band not long after we left school. Our foursome was tight, our music solid, our sound electrifying. Everything was going great. We’d found our niche and were able to tour with the world’s greatest and number one band, Slayed.

Touring and playing alongside Staked—Slayed’s kids’ band—as their backup that’s when everything changed.

That’s when I met… her.

Ella Slade.

Daughter of Colter Slade, the world’s biggest rock star, who herself was an up and coming rock goddess.

I’m your typical lead singer—broody, selfish, arrogant, rude, egotistical, womanizing, the list can go on for ages—but then Ella swooped in changing everything about me. She made me realize that belonging to one woman is maybe not such a bad thing. That living your life with and for that one person—that means everything to you—is actually pretty fucking special.

And Ella is that, pretty fucking special, and she’s everything to me. So much so that I’ve left my band Recoil in the States to be with Ella full time. I’ve left my life, my career, and my one shot at fame to be with her in England. Sure, some might say that’s a dramatic step—to leave your country for a woman—but my Ella’s worth it. She’s the light of my life, and even though we’ve had our ups and downs, believe me, she’s definitely worth everything in my eyes.

When I asked her to marry me, it was the best day of my life. I arrived on her doorstep after some time apart, and she had no idea I was even coming. She said yes, of course, and we’ve been in blissful sync ever since.

We live in a quaint little house near Ella’s parents’ manor on the outskirts of Oxfordshire, and her dad has arranged for his band mates and Ella’s band mates to spend a holiday together in Hawaii.

Now while this might sound like a dream to most people, to me it sounds like hell. Purely because Chad fucking Everly will be there and he’s been a thorn in my side ever since I met Ella. It’s not bad enough that they’re in a fucking band together, but his undeniable love and adoration of her is unwavering.

And now? Now we’re going to be holidaying together.

Ella constantly reassures me that she loves me and that there’s no feelings other than friendship from her toward Chad. But I know before I came back and proposed that they had something going on. I know this because he was here when I arrived and he left very pissed off. She never told me if they had something more than a friendship going on, but I suspect they definitely shared some intimate moments.

God knows while I was gone I certainly wasn’t a saint, so I guess Ella must have struggled with it too. We don’t talk about the past—the past is exactly that, in the past—we only discuss our future. We’ve decided when we get back from Hawaii we’re going into full wedding planning mode.

I’m hoping Ryan, Matt, and Nate will come over for the wedding but I’m not sure they will. They’ve been distant since I left the band, and I know they’re dirty on me for leaving them without a lead singer right when we were starting to really get somewhere.

But my heart is with Ella, not Recoil—I had to be with her. I know they don’t understand, but maybe when they find a true love like mine they will get it.

I’ve been in the UK for about a year now and I needed a job. I still love music, so Colt, Ella’s father, managed to get me a position with Rob, their Agent. I’ve been helping him with a range of things, and because of that I’ve had to stay back an extra day while the two bands flew off to Hawaii on their private jet. I know they should have touched down before my flight departed, and I tried to get a hold of Ella before I boarded but to no avail.

I’m now arriving at the hotel in Honolulu to meet up with everyone. There’s a flurry of activity surrounding the hotel and there’s reporters everywhere. I figure they obviously know that the world’s two biggest bands are in town, so I don’t take too much notice of the chaos and mayhem as I continue through the crowd into the hotel.

It’s early morning, so I don’t know what the paparazzi are expecting? I doubt Slayed and Staked are going to come down and give any of them interviews. Idiots.

I check in and make my way to the elevator. When I arrive at my floor I stare down the hall to see Aston, Ella’s sister’s boyfriend. “Hey Ast,” I call out.

When he turns around his body slumps and he visibly sighs. He looks like shit to be quite blunt. I furrow my brows wondering why his skin is so pale and the bags under his eyes are so vibrant. He steps up to me frowning and flares his nostrils like he’s having trouble holding it together.

“Shit dude, are you okay?”

He winces shaking his head. “You don’t know?”

I tense instantly raising my eyebrow at him in curiosity. “Know what?”

He exhales loudly. “The jet… um, yesterday… on landing… the landing gear failed… the plane crashed. Chad’s parents and the air hostess were killed. Everyone’s a mess.”

My stomach churns and my heart races frantically as I look around the hall. “Ella?” I ask breathlessly.

“No, she’s fine. Just shaken up. We all are. Poor Chad, though, he watched as his parents were sucked out the side of the plane into a wall of fire. It was…” he trails off.

As much as I hate Chad for loving my girl so deeply I do feel sorry for him in this moment. No one should have to witness that.

I shake my head. “Shit! Umm… I have to find Ella. Make sure she’s okay.”

He nods as I pat his shoulder in a comfort gesture and then I turn heading for our room.

All I want to do is to get to Ella, check over every inch of her beautiful body and make sure she isn’t hurt in any way. I want to hold and comfort her, make sure she’s all right.

I feel sick with worry knowing that Ella will want to be there for Chad.

Of course, she will.

But I’m also worried she’s hurt or injured in some way. I need to see for myself that she’s fine because right now I’m kind of freaking out. My hand swipes the keycard and I walk in expecting her to be in our room but it’s empty. Her luggage is nowhere to be seen and the bed definitely hasn’t been slept in. I draw my bottom lip into my mouth with my teeth and gnaw on it furiously wondering where the hell she is, but knowing in my heart where she probably is and that thought terrifies me.

Grabbing my cell I dial her number and it rings out. I try again, and again, then groan with frustration. After the seventh time of no answer—then ringing her parents and them not knowing where she is—I start to pace the floor running my hands through my hair in utter panic.

The click of the door makes me look up as it opens and I notice Ella walking through. My entire body sags and I almost break down because I’m just so happy to see her—not only alive, but in one piece. Instant relief floods me when I notice she isn’t hurt in any way—she just looks pale and emotionally wrecked. Rushing up to her, I drop my cell to the floor and pick her up swirling her around. Her blonde hair fans out around the room like a fucking super model. Even when she’s a mess, she’s beautiful. But she’s stiff in my arms even as I hold her tight.

“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you for ages. I heard about the crash and no one knew where you were. Your cell kept ringing out. Jesus Ella, I’ve been so fucking worried. I’m dying here.” I hold her so tightly I’m sure I’m squashing her but I can’t bear to let her go just yet.

“I’m sorry, I have no idea where my phone is. I was with Chad all night looking after him…” she replies and trails off.

Those few words are all I need to let her go. Hearing she was with Chad sets off insane jealousy and I really hate myself for it.

I want to trust her.

I do trust her.

But I don’t trust him.

She walks over to the bed and sits down so I follow and sit next to her, the mattress dips just enough that we slide together and our legs touch slightly.

“You okay? It must’ve been really horrible witnessing Chad’s parents…” I trail off this time and start again, “... Aston told me all about it. Chad must be really hurting.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders as she bursts into tears. It makes my chest squeeze to witness her this upset, and I fucking hate it anytime she cries. “Oh, hey Sugar, I’m here for you,” I tell her pulling her to me, but she wriggles away shaking her head.

“I can’t do this,” she murmurs.

I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion. “I know it’s hard to lose people. Especially two that you’re so close to. But I’ll help you get through this, Sugar.”

“No, I can’t do…” she waves her hand between the two of us, “… this.”

My heart stops in my chest as all air leaves my lungs.

“What do you mean?”

Ella looks down to the floor avoiding my gaze. “I’m not in this one hundred percent, Danger. I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” she declares.

That little statement is like a thousand volts running through my heart. It causes me to instantly stand up and pace the floor. “You need to be very clear right now, Ella. What are you saying?”

“I’m saying we need to break up,” she whispers.

My throat closes up, my stomach lurches wanting to expel the breakfast I had on the flight over. Taking a loud intake of air through my flared nostrils, I run my fingers through my hair in frustration. “I gave up everything for you, Ella.” My voice is calm as I try to hold it together, but all I want to do is scream and stamp my foot on the floor like a spoiled child.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “You’re sorry?” I repeat and throw my hands in the air. “I love you. We’re getting married for fuck’s sake,” I yell the last part.

She bites her bottom lip and looks down at her engagement ring. Sliding it off her finger she hands it back to me so casually like it means nothing and isn’t breaking the very foundations of my fucking soul.

My entire body slumps as my eyes flood with tears, but I blink them away.

I can’t lose her.

I just can’t.

I’ve given up so much to be with her.

I love Ella more than anything in this world. I need to fight, so I kneel in front of her wrapping my arms around her waist. “Baby, please don’t do this. Ella, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I’ve given up so much. I’ve changed who I am so I could be with you. You’re everything to me. Please don’t do this,” I beg.

She shakes her head closing her eyes with finality. “I have to. My heart isn’t in it, Danger. I can’t keep lying to us both.”

My tears don’t fail me this time as they flow down my cheeks. I’m not ashamed to cry for something I love as I place my head on her lap and sob into it. My heart is being ripped to shreds, and all I want is for her to make me feel better.

She’s my salvation and she is my ruin.

Her fingers run through my hair, but it doesn’t ease the pain. All it does is enhance it by showing me that I won’t have this again. She doesn’t want me, even after everything, she doesn’t want me.

“I love you so much. My life’s in England now. What am I meant to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m going to do, Danger. But we’re young and life is short. That’s painfully obvious to me now. So I can’t keep living a lie. I’m very sorry I’ve hurt you,” she says as I look up at her. She strokes my cheek and then it dawns on me why this is all happening.

I stiffen and grit my teeth. “Chad, right?”

She scrunches up her face. “I don’t know. I don’t know where the road is taking me, Danger. All I do know is that I can’t continue on it with you. I can’t pretend like we’re good for each other.”

Needing some distance from her, I stand up while the realization sinks in of what she’s just said—it hits me hard.

She’s leaving me for fucking Chad.

I look around the room aimlessly as if it will help me find something to make me feel better, but I come up short. “What about the house?”

“You have it. I’ll go back to the manor,” she says.

I turn to look at her. “You know this is only happening because you’ve been through trauma, right?”

She shakes her head. “No Danger, I’ve been feeling it for a long time. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

Running my hand through my hair, my body slumps as understanding pounds into me like a semi—she never truly loved me. Certainly not like I do her.

“God Ella, if you were so unhappy why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve been better for you? I could’ve tried harder. I thought I was doing everything right.”

“You were. You were doing everything right, Danger. You haven’t done anything wrong at all. I know this is going to sound like a cliché but this is all me.”

I groan at her words. “Goddamn it Ella, you’re fucking breaking me right now. I gave up everything, every-fucking-thing for you. Do you not get that? I left my life for you. I changed the person I was for you. Fuck! How am I not enough for you?” I storm back over and take her head in my hands forcing her to look at me. “I love you, Ella… with everything in me, I love you. You know that, right?” I slide my thumbs to wipe away the tears falling down her cheeks.

“I love you, too. Just not enough, Danger. I’m sorry.”

Again it’s like a knife to the gut, the pain is so immense. I let her face go forcefully, but lean down and kiss her forehead. My chest is rising and falling hard as I linger on her skin a little longer than necessary and then walk over to my suitcase.

“You’re making a massive mistake, Ella… and you’re fucking breaking me in the process. I know you’ve been through something traumatic and life altering, but making huge decisions like this right now isn’t the right thing to do. I’ll give you some time to really think things through… to really think about us, because I don’t want to give up on us. I adore you too fucking much to let you go. But I’ll give you the time you obviously need—”

“I don’t need time, Danger. I’ve made my mind up.”

My chest thuds again as my eyes fill with more unshed tears.

Jesus this seems really final.

“Fuck Ella! Don’t do this. Please! I fucking love you. I can’t function without you.” Tears slowly flow down my cheeks as I stare at her.

She wipes the tears from her pale cheeks with a sniff and shakes her head. “And I can’t function without him.”

A wave crashes over me—more like a tsunami—washing away every ounce of strength, and in the process purges any ounce of energy I have left to fight. My chest heaves dramatically with pain while a deep throaty groan escapes my throat. My fist clenches and I punch my knuckles straight through the plasterboard wall. I don’t have time to register the pain in my hand before I turn my anger toward a lamp hurtling it across the room, while another throaty yell explodes deep from within my lungs.

While hyperventilating, I feel the blood pulsating through every inch of me as the air rushes through my lungs quickly. Blood pools and then runs down my fingers onto the carpet from my busted up knuckles as I turn to take a last look at Ella. She cowers away from my outburst, but I don’t care how scared of me she looks right now. So I stare her down with a harshness so cold and distant I hope she feels horrid.

“I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved in this world. I have nothing now. You’ve taken everything from me. I hope you’re damn happy.” I grab my luggage and storm out of the hotel room with anger eating me alive, as well as a sadness that might well devour me whole.

For some reason my body seems to be failing as I hobble to the elevator. The doors open and Annie—Ella’s sister—and Aston walk out instantly spotting me. They furrow their brows while I attempt to avoid all eye contact with them.

“Danger… are you okay?” Annie asks.

I think about her question and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

No, I’m not fucking okay.

The love of my life just left me for another man. I’m a mess.

And with that thought, my body seems to lose all function and I fall to the floor bringing my knees up to my chest.

“She doesn’t want me,” I whisper out.

“What do you mean?” Annie asks.

“I mean she just fucking broke my heart.”

Annie winces and squats down beside me as I breathe harshly through my nose trying to stop my head from spinning, but that just makes the head spins worse.

“She broke up with you?”

I simply nod, the pressure in my chest is too much for me to be able to form words.

“Shit man, I’m sorry,” Aston offers clasping my shoulder.

I glare at him. “Are you? Are you really ‘cause I don’t think any of you will be that upset by this. You all wanted her to dump me. You all wanted her with Chad. Well, guess what? Now you fucking have your wish. He can have her. I can’t play second best to him anymore,” I blurt out.

Annie winces as Aston exhales and chews on his bottom lip.

“We never wanted you guys to break up, Danger. What makes you think that?”

“Just… leave me the fuck alone.”

“I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Aston murmurs looking across at Annie.

I shake my head suddenly finding the inner strength to stand back up. Swallowing hard, I start to talk. “She doesn’t want me, fine! I don’t fucking want her either!”

I turn to walk off but Annie calls out to me, “You don’t mean that.”

“I’m done, Annie.”

Spinning back around to face her, I scowl and flare my nostrils. “I gave up everything for your sister. Every. Fucking. Thing. If she thinks she can break me, she has another think coming. I’m going to bury myself so deep in pussy I’ll be like an apprentice to Hugh fucking Hefner. Just you see. This won’t break me… she won’t break me. She can fucking go off with Chad and have her happy little life, but I’m not going to wait around and wallow. Fuck her! Fuck Ella Slade…” pausing, I yell, “You won’t break me, Ella,” as I storm off toward the elevator slamming my finger on the button continuously.

The door bings and opens. Quickly I turn back looking at the life I had, the life I loved, and step into the elevator, the door closing on the life I gave everything up for.

Everything I’ve just said was a front to the agony in my chest. I gasp for air as the walls close in around me. I try hard to find the air I need but it’s not coming.

She broke me.

Ella fucking broke me.

Every. Fucking. Single. Inch of me.

I want to hate her.

So bad.

Every part of me is itching to curse her name and burn her photos, but I fucking love her so much.

The fucking bitch.

The doors open too damn slowly, so I push past them dragging my luggage behind me. I step out into a crowded foyer while people stare at me falling apart while making my way outside to a cab. After throwing my suitcase in the trunk the cab driver looks at me but doesn’t say a word as I slide into the back of the car.

“Where to?”

“The airport.”