Last night was a good time, but I do feel slightly off as we head into the office. I know I’ll be seeing Tillie today and that doesn’t help my unsettled stomach.

We got a text message from Oliver this morning saying we have a meeting first thing. So Danger, Lunar, and I are headed straight for the boardroom right now. Danger and Lunar are lost in each other as always as we walk the hall toward the boardroom, while I stew in my own thoughts of seeing Tillie in a few mere seconds. I feel sick and hate that I have to still work with her. In a way it would be easier if she just left, but then I’d never see her again and that would be unbearable. This is a lose-lose situation.

My spine tingles, my hairs stand to attention, and just like that I know I’m near her. I grit my teeth as we round the corner and walk through the door into the boardroom. Tillie’s working aggressively on her notebook, tapping the keys like they’re her worst enemy, and I furrow my brows at the stern look on her face. She doesn’t even look up when we enter. Matt and Nate are already seated as Oliver looks up and gives a curt nod.

“Sit down please, guys,” he says in a strong voice like he’s more than a little pissed off.

Danger and Lunar sit down next to Tillie, and I sit at the end of the table.

“Okay, I’ve called you all in here because there’s currently a media uproar regarding Ryan’s healthy living. His following, of course, knew he was in hospital two days ago being checked over for liver problems and then last night, Miss Texas, uploads a Snapchat of her and Ryan to her followers and they’re both holding glasses of what appear to be whiskey.”

I tense as I look up and see Tillie, her eyes beneath her glasses are watery and stern like she’s mad as hell but too upset to say anything.

I sigh and shrug. “I had one drink with Lilah. Is that a crime?”

“When your liver is recovering… yes!” Tillie yells, and we all look at her as she takes a deep breath composing herself again and goes back to her computer.

“Is this about the alcohol or the girl?” I ask.

Her head snaps up as an awkward silence fills the room. “The alcohol you idiot. How could you be so stupid? Not only for your health and wellbeing, but also for your fans? They’re invested in your recovery too, Ryan. They want to see you get to your optimum health and fitness level, not throw it all away on a one-night bender.”

I roll my eyes. “Relax, it was one drink.”

“Fine, kill yourself, you obviously don’t care. It’s just me that has to clean up your fucking mess!”

“If you don’t want the job… then leave!” I yell and everyone shifts uneasily.

Tillie purses her lips shutting her notebook. “I won’t let you push me out of my job as well as your life… go fuck yourself, Ryan,” she chides standing up and dashes out of the boardroom. My heart races fast at the pure hatred that was in her eyes and in her words. But it had to be done.

“Well, that was useful,” Nate says.

“Shut up, Nate,” I throw back.

“Ryan, be nice to Tillie, okay? She’s struggling as much as you are,” Oliver says.

“Doubtful,” I say and stand up and walk out of the boardroom to head up to the fire escape to get some much-needed fresh air.

 

***

 

Lunar and Danger were being far too loved up at home. I couldn’t stand being around them, so I left. Told them I was going to see Matt and Nate.

I wasn’t.

I made my way to a quaint little pub, found a nice comfy stool on the dimly lit side of the bar and started wasting my night away. I didn’t want to deal with couples, people’s sympathetic looks or their fucking criticisms. I just wanted to find a place to come and forget everything. It wasn’t my intention to drink. That’s not why I came to a pub. But after being here for an hour, the smell of liquor got to me and I thought, one wouldn’t hurt.

Now I’m so many in that I haven’t kept count. My head is foggy, my stomach is heavy and my throat is burning, as I sit at the bar with my head on my arm just trying to keep breathing.

I’m wasted.

“Excuse me, have you got a light?” a smooth sexy voice asks.

I glance up, my eyes roll back in my head and I hiccup slightly, as I take in the two, no, one… wait two, no, there’s one woman in front of me. I think! As my eyes clear, I realize she’s a bombshell—red hair, smoky eyes, flaming red kissable lips and a tight as fuck red dress. Everything screams ‘fuck me.’ I lick my lips as she stands with a cigarette hanging between her two fingers while she smirks at me.

I shake my head and sigh. “Sorry love, no flame to light your fire.”

She tilts her head to the side. “Shame, you’re a looker. Would’ve been nice to roll around the sheets with you.”

I scoff out a half laugh. “Honey, I’m too drunk to even know if you have a twin standing there or if I’m just seeing double right now.”

She giggles shaking her head. “Wow! You really are wasted, and you don’t look so good. How about I help you to a cab? There’s some photographers outside, I think they’re here for you,” she offers as my stomach churns.

“Shit! Thanks, I’d appreciate the help.”

She assists me up from the seat and I wrap my arm around her shoulders as I wobble on the spot. “Easy sailor.”

As I try to right myself, I chuckle and she supports me while I stumble out to the front. When we reach the door the cameras start flashing and going berserk. The lights blind me, making me falter and flounder as the woman helps by keeping hold of me. People call out my name making my head fuzzy. Everything is a thick fog. I feel sick as she moves me to the taxi rank. The girl opens the back of the cab and I accidentally fall backward grabbing her which causes her to fall with me into the cab. She drops on top of me with a squeal, our faces just inches apart. We both laugh as I sweep her hair from her face, mainly to get it out of my face, as we both laugh at the silly mistake.

“It was nice to meet you, but you need to get home,” she says sitting up. She pulls me with her so we’re both sitting up in the cab then she steps out and bobs her head back down to look at me.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Drink water.”

I chuckle. “Yes ma’am,” I say with a two fingered salute as she shuts the cab door. I fall back down on the seat closing my eyes and quickly tell the driver the address before I start to fade in and out of consciousness. I make it home just in time to race to the bathroom and throw up the night’s efforts of my drinking woes. Which continued into the wee hours of the early morning.

 

***

 

A harsh coldness against my face startles me as I jolt awake. My back twinges and my stomach muscles ache. My eyes flash open and shiny white porcelain stares back at me, I furrow my brows wondering what the hell I’m looking at. Blinking my eyes a few times, I try to gather my bearings. My body’s aching in the most horrendous way. My head pounds, my muscles smart. Everything is disobeying my brain. My mouth is fuzzy and dry, and as I take a deep breath a foul odor hits me. My stomach churns and memories flood back hitting me like a tidal wave.

Me.

Heaving.

In the toilet bowl last night.

I’m in the bathroom.

And as I glance up I realize the porcelain is the base of the toilet bowl and I’ve passed out in the bathroom last night. I slowly pull myself into a sitting position and press my back against the wall. There’s mess everywhere. My clothes are half on me, half off. There’s something on the floor that I don’t even want to hazard a guess as to what it is, and the toilet stinks. I fucking made a mess of myself and this room is the proof of it.

My hand flops to my side and a clink alerts me to something there, so I turn to see a giant glass of water and a box of painkillers beside me. Sighing, I rest my head against the wall thinking how stupid I was last night.

Popping out two pills from the painkiller box, I swallow them down with some water. The water feels heavy in my stomach making me want to vomit all over again, but I keep the pills down. Somehow I manage to stand up and gather myself enough to head downstairs, even though I feel like I’m stumbling and my head is about to explode.

Danger and Lunar are in the kitchen making some coffee and they spot me as I make my way to them. Both turn to look at me and sigh saying nothing.

Lunar stops me as I nod and attempt to walk past. “Did you take some painkillers?”

I exhale, I thought it might have been her who put them there. “I did, thank you.”

She simply nods, but Danger purses his lips. “Ryan, man, you gotta stop drinking. Like now.”

Clenching my eyes shut, I rub my temples and nod. “I know. I’m just so… damned depressed.” I open my eyes to see them looking at me and frowning.

“Well, maybe that’s because of Tillie?”

I huff. “I’m better off just seeing her at work, and not being romantically involved.”

“Bullshit! You’re meant for each other. You’re just being a fucking scared little boy. Grow the fuck up!” Lunar almost yells and storms off pushing past me as she goes.

Okay, so that’s new. I’ve never seen Lunar that angry with me before.

Danger sighs as I lean back against the fridge door.

“Do you think I’m scared?” I ask.

“Honestly? Yes, you’re scared of history repeating… and in the action of being scared, of losing something great, you are losing something great. You’re being a fool, Ryan. Wake up to yourself before it’s too late.” He walks off leaving me reeling in the kitchen.

Shit! He’s fucking angry too.

Maybe I am being an idiot?

Maybe I’m not seeing this how it should be seen?

But I just don’t know if I could handle another loss like Katie.

 

***

 

Even though I’m hungover as fuck and really wanted to spend the day wallowing in my own self-pity in bed, Oliver called an emergency meeting. So Danger drove Lunar and me into the office so we can get this over and done with.

We make our way to the boardroom, even though I can barely walk, let alone function. I’m not looking forward to seeing Tillie today. She’ll know I’ve been out and not looking after myself, but more importantly I hate the fact that she’ll be angry with me. So I’m not looking forward to the berating I will get from her. But as we approach the boardroom, my spine doesn’t tingle and my hairs don’t stand on end. I don’t get the feeling that Tillie is near and as I walk in that feeling is confirmed.

She isn’t in here.

I furrow my brows and take a seat while Oliver glances up from his computer. He takes one look at me and shakes his head. I wince slightly and slump into my seat as Danger and Lunar sit down. Nate smirks while Matt doesn’t give a shit and continues to play with his cell.

“Okay, let’s get right to the point. Tillie had to go into PR crazy mode to cover a story that Ryan hired a hooker last night. He was seen leaving a bar in a cab with her.”

Opening my eyes wide, I gasp. “Whoa! Whoa! What? A hooker? I swear I went home alone. Tillie knows that, right?”

Oliver shakes his head. “She’s telling the world exactly that! But I don’t think she believes one word of what she’s having to release to the world, Ryan.”

I stand up so fast the seat falls out from under me. “Where is she?”

“Packing her things… she’s resigned. We’re interviewing new PR candidates, today.”

“What?” everyone says as my heart sinks and I flush red hot. My stomach churns and a sticky sweat covers my entire skin. Shaking my head, my feet act before I can even think and I bolt out of the room.

I rush around the building to her office to find her.

She can’t leave like this!

She can’t think I hired a hooker.

I can’t have her thinking I’d do that to her.

As I continue down the hallways racing to her room, my spine starts to tingle and my hairs stand up the closer I get to her door. Out of breath as I look in, she’s wiping her nose with a tissue. Her glasses are off. Her hair is down and sweeping around her face as she packs things slowly into a box. Tears run in rivulets down her cheeks and the sight breaks my heart. My chest squeezes and I flare my nostrils that I’ve done this to her.

As if she senses me, she gasps, and her head turns to look right at me. Her breath stops and her nostrils flare while she throws one hell of a glare my way. She swallows hard then turns back and continues packing without saying a word. It cuts me deeper than any knife could have.

“Tillie—”

“Don’t Ryan.”

“Let me explain—”

“How you hired a hooker on a drunken bender and then I had to cover it up?”

“It’s not like that—”

“Oh really?” She turns to look at me, picks up a book and throws it at me. It smacks me right in the center of my chest as she starts to really cry. “Then explain to me how the fuck is it?”

“I was drunk. She asked me for a light. I said no. I was too drunk. She agreed and then helped me to a cab. When I got to the cab I was so wasted I accidentally fell. She fell on top of me. But I swear, Tillie, she got out and I went home… alone. Ask Danger and Lunar, they can tell you I spent all night in the bathroom by myself.”

She stops packing and stands there looking into the box like she’s thinking on that for a moment. I take a step closer but she puts her hand up to stop me. “Don’t. You’re the reason I’m like this, Ryan. You’ve ruined me. So don’t come in and try to make it better.”

My stomach sinks and I wince wanting to burst into tears myself at seeing her like this. “Tillie, I never meant to hurt you—”

Her head snaps up and she glares at me with vicious intent. “You never meant to hurt me? Then why go out of your fucking way to hurt me, Ryan? Explain that? Everything you do lately feels like some kind of personal stab at me and I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did to make you fucking hate me so fucking much!”

My stomach churns and I want to puke all over again. I hate that she thinks that. “I don’t hate you, far from it—”

“Funny way of showing it.”

I risk another step closer, she lets me this time. “Don’t leave.”

She exhales shaking her head slowly and turns away from me packing more of her stuff into the box. “I have to go.”

“Why?”

She glares at me again. “Because I can’t watch you with other women and continue to clean up your PR messes. Covering your ass is just too painful.”

“So you’re just going to leave?”

She scoffs. “You don’t want me, Ryan, so why should I stay? You win! You always wanted me gone, so you got it, baby. Now, I’m gone!”

Something inside of me clicks. I see my future without her and it’s horrifying. Being without her is something that scares the shit out of me. I can’t let her go, if having her and having the risk of losing her means I get to have some sort of life with her, then I’d rather take the risk than not have her at all.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I love her.

I need her.

I don’t want to spend another minute—nay another second without her in my life.

Fuck the risks!

“Tillie, I’m sorry. There’s something I’ve been keeping from you, something from my past. Something that’s been holding me back in our relationship. But if you’re willing to let me tell you, I want to open up to you. I want to prove to you that... I love you.”

She stops throwing things into the box and slumps her shoulders like she’s relieved. She glances at me as a single tear rolls down her cheek. Her bottom lip trembles and she simply nods.

I take a deep breath knowing this is my one and only shot at making her stay. At getting her back into my life.

I reach out for her hand and she lets me take it. Our fingers intertwine and a spark so intense jolts through me making me gasp. I notice her breathing hitch too, and I swallow hard as we start walking off down the hall. I don’t even have to tell her where we’re headed. She seems to read my mind as we head for the fire escape.

We step up the stairs and the crisp midday air hits my face. It’s getting close to December and it’s pretty crisp up here these days. She wraps her arms around herself as we walk to the edge of the building and sit down on the seat. We’re quiet for a moment, but I don’t want to let the silence get a hold of us.

I want to tell her about Katie.

I’m ready.

I turn to face her and grab both her hands holding them securely in mine. Taking a deep cleansing breath I start. “So, I know you’re wondering who Katie is,” I say, and she sits up a litter taller and nods.

My chest tightens slightly, but I push through my memories and thoughts. “Katie was my childhood sweetheart. We grew up together and basically knew we were going to end up being together for the rest of our lives.” I smile at the happy memory. “We were eighteen when I asked her to marry me. We were young, yes, but we’d been together since we were pretty much twelve-years-old, if you can even have a relationship that young. But Katie and I, we were inseparable.”

Tillie chews on her bottom lip while furrowing her brows slightly.

“We got married not long after I asked her, and then two years later we had our little girl, Maddison.”

Her eyes open wide and her brows furrow like she’s completely confused, but she doesn’t say anything just tightens her hands in mine.

“Anyway, we were a happy little family. I loved my girls more than anything, but then that night happened.” I tense up, stopping and taking a second to compose myself.

Her breathing quickens and her eyes start to glisten like she’s on the verge of tears. “You don’t have to tell me anymore if it’s too painful,” she offers kindly but this isn’t about me. Tillie needs to know. She must know everything if we are to go on from here if we have a future together.

I shake my head and fake a smile. “No, it’s okay, you need to hear this... I was driving. Katie was the front passenger, and of course, Maddie was in her booster seat in the back. We were on our way out for a family dinner. Maddie was crying. I was distracted, trying to make her happy, you know being the goofball dad that I was. I just wanted my baby to feel better. So I had her binky and I was playing with her when I should have been just, fucking driving.”

My eyes well up and I have to swallow hard the lump that’s formed in my throat. I can’t risk looking at Tillie, but I can hear her sniffing as my eyes mist up completely.

“I looked back for a moment, just to try to ease Maddie. The light just turned green so I drove straight through, but a truck driver on his cell wasn’t paying attention to his red light.”

I gasp as a slight sob leaves my throat and Tillie squeezes my hands tighter. The tears don’t fail me as they burst through and slowly slide down my cheeks. I don’t care if she sees me cry. There’s one thing I’ll cry for in this world and it’s my dead family. I’m not ashamed of that.

“It’s the sound of the metal crunching that never leaves you, you know? I don’t remember hearing the glass shattering, but the metal crunching I’ll never forget…”

I risk looking up at her and she’s looking at me with such sad eyes. My chest hurts as I gaze over at her thinking that it all could have happened again when she had her accident. I could have lost her, and instead of spending every precious moment with her, I pushed her away. I’m such a dick.

“They didn’t make a sound, not one. I was moaning and groaning, but I couldn’t hear anything from either of them. The truck hit the passenger side and it was crushed right in. When I looked up, Katie…” I wince and trail off as I remember the disfigured body of my wife. Tears stream down both our faces as Tillie’s bottom lip trembles uncontrollably.

“I didn’t dare look back at Maddie, but I knew. I could feel it. Her booster seat was on the passenger side at the back. There was no way… no way she’d survive.”

“Oh God,” Tillie murmurs and then reaches out and hugs me tightly. “I’m so… so sorry. I get it now. Why you pushed me away after the accident. I can’t even imagine… all the memories… everything that must have brought up for you. I’m so sorry. But you know the accident wasn’t your fault.”

“Then why do I feel like it was?”

She shakes her head and caresses my face. “It wasn’t Ryan. You went through on a green, you did nothing wrong.”

“I was driving, I was distracted by Maddie… if I was paying more attention I would have seen him running the light. I could have saved them—”

“Hey! There was nothing you could do if it was a truck, you wouldn’t have been able to outrun it. There was nothing you could do, Ryan. Stop blaming yourself and pushing people out. Let me in, I’m here for you if you’ll let me be?”

I pull back from her and look her in the eyes wiping the tears from her face. “I want you to be… please don’t leave.”

She sniffs, shaking her head. “I’m not going anywhere. Although, if you do this again—”

“I won’t… promise,” I interrupt. Leaning in I press my lips to hers tenderly, and she kisses me back with such a fierce intent my knees feel weak even though we’re sitting. A spark so strong shoots through every atom in my body. I know Tillie is right for me and I’m aware she’s the one to bring back the balance in my life. I know she’s my safe place, my home.

I pull back from her slowly and look into her beautiful eyes, even though they’re puffy and have cried enough tears lately to sink a battleship, she’s still the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth. “I love you, Tillie.”

She presses her forehead to mine taking in every inch of me. “I love you, too, Ryan.”