We finish dinner and Ryan is still absent. His shower shouldn’t have taken this long and I’m a little worried as to why he hasn’t come back downstairs yet.

“Should someone check on Ryan, he’s been gone a long time?”

“Danger and I are going to clean up, so why don’t you go see if you can find him?” Lunar asks as Danger eyes her sternly, but she smiles at me and nods her head toward the stairs.

“Umm… okay, sure,” I say and stand taking a deep breath while I head for the stairs.

Each step takes me an inch closer to Ryan, but with each step the butterflies in my stomach flutter around causing me to feel nervous and ultimately slightly sick. But the higher up the stairs I ascend, the more I can hear the gentle strumming of a guitar, and as I reach the top I turn to hear it coming from what I’m assuming is a bedroom. My feet feel heavy as the somber tones from the acoustic guitar echo from behind the closed door. I gently knock and the music stops as Ryan’s voice sounds, “Come in.”

The door handle clicks as I turn it and I pop my head around the open door to see him sitting on his king-sized bed wearing only a pair of loose fitting joggers and no shirt.

“Are you okay?”

Ryan half-smiles while he places his guitar on the bed near his pillows then he nods. “Yeah, just didn’t want to embarrass you by being around at dinner.”

“I would have been fine, and you should have come and eaten with us.”

He nods picking up his guitar again and starts to strum it softly. The melodic tune is delightful and yet somber to my ears as he plucks at his strings delicately. I walk in and over to the bed sitting down on the mattress next to him.

“That’s beautiful, what is it?”

“It’s While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison.”

“It sounds so sad.”

He nods. “It is.”

A soft quiet falls over us for a moment. I wonder what to say to Ryan, when I turn slightly facing him and take a deep breath. “You know, I’m really not the enemy.”

He tenses and places his guitar down gently on the pillows again closing his eyes briefly, before slowly looking up at me. “I know, it’s just hard having you around.”

Furrowing my brows I tense up. “Why?”

He stiffens. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Can you try?”

“No,” he says bluntly.

I raise my eyebrows. “No? Just no?”

“Yeah! I can’t open up to you, Tillie.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t, all right!”

Huffing, I stand up breathing harshly through my nose. “Fine, don’t talk to me. I don’t know what I did to make you despise me so much, but I’ll keep away from you from now on.” I turn and head for the door. Tears well in my eyes as I reach for the door handle but his grip on my shoulder stops me, then he spins me around to face him. Ryan pushes my body against the door with his, locking me in position. His eyes bore into mine while his hand comes up to the side of my face caressing my cheek. His other splays out on my hip. My breathing hitches and my heart gallops in my chest.

“Problem is… I don’t despise you, Tillie. As much as I tell myself to keep away from you, my body and mind won’t listen to me.” He inches closer, the smell of his freshly showered body mixed with mint from his breath sends warmth over me.

I shudder as his fingers gently caress my cheek. “Ryan,” I murmur.

He leans in so close, I think he’s going to kiss me. I close my eyes and purse my lips, my body aching for the contact. Sparks shoot between us as the magnetism pulls us so close every inch of us is touching. His warm breath is hot against my lips. I part them… waiting, but then his soft lips divert, and gently kiss my cheek. My body slumps, half in delight that his lips are on me and half in sadness that they’re not on my lips. My eyes flutter open as I look into his emerald green eyes and they’re glassy like he wants to cry but is holding back. The sight shocks me slightly as his hands drop, leaving me feeling cold. He steps back and nods grabbing the door handle, then he opens the door behind me.

Guess that’s my cue to leave.

Swallowing hard, I turn without saying anything and walk out of his room. I make it out in the hallway and I hear him close the door behind me with a slight thud. Taking a breath, I chew on my bottom lip wondering what the hell just happened as I descend the stairs.

Lunar looks up at me as I enter the kitchen, and she must see the puzzled look on my face as she takes me in. “You okay?”

Nodding, I fake a smile back at her the best I can. “Yeah, but it’s been a long day. I think I’m gonna head home.”

Danger looks at me and frowns. “Did he say something to you?”

Shaking my head a little overzealously, I grab my bag and pick up Hunter’s cage. “No. I just need to go. Thanks for dinner, though. See you when I see you,” I say and make for a speedy retreat.

“Tillie,” Lunar calls out as I race toward the front door, but I ignore her and walk out heading straight for my car to go home to cuddle Piper and cry into my pillow.

 

RYAN

 

A light knock on my door startles me and I sit up on my bed.

“Come in.”

The door opens and part of me hopes it’s Tillie, but the rest of me hopes I never have to see her again.

Bright pink and yellow hair falls through the door and Lunar’s bright blue eyes look up at me. “Hey.”

I pat my bed and smile. “Hey.”

She comes in closing the door behind her and walks over sitting down next to me. “So, the fun loving guy I know seems to be taking a bit of a back seat to this broody, snappy guy. Where’s Ryan gone?”

I shake my head. “Fucked if I know. This health scare, and Tillie showing up has really messed with my head.”

She leans into my side cuddling into me like the sister I never had. “Ry, I know you’re working on your health, and we’re all here for you with that. You’re doing so well and already losing weight. The doctor said your diagnosis of pre-diabetes is looking less likely now, and your blood pressure is slowly coming down. Give it a little more time. It'll be okay. I promise.”

I swallow hard and shrug. “But what about Tillie?”

She looks up at me and half-smiles. “You like her?”

Scrubbing my face with my hands, I groan. “No. She’s my nemesis.”

“Right, so what happened up here to make her bolt faster than Flash Gordon?”

I sigh and clasp my eyes shut remembering her beautiful lips puckered up waiting for me to kiss them. “We nearly kissed, but I dodged it and kissed her cheek instead.” My eyes flick open and I look to Lunar who is watching me closely.

“You like her!”

“You said that already.”

“Last time it was a question, this time it’s a statement.”

“Fuck! I don’t know, Lunar. I can’t do anything with her.”

“What? Why not?”

“Well, because I’m supposed to dislike her for one.”

“Pfft… plenty of enemies become lovers.”

“Like who?”

“Romeo and Juliet.”

I snort. “We all know how well that fucking ended!”

She laughs. “True. Bad example. But still, it’s okay to like her, Ry.”

“It’s really not.”

“Why?”

“Well, we employ her for starters.”

“You employ me too technically, and I’m dating the lead singer, that argument is null and void.”

“Urgh… well, I don’t want to hurt her.”

“I can’t imagine you hurting anyone, Ryan, you’re too loyal.”

Shaking my head, I exhale. “I don’t mean by cheating or whatever, I mean physically.”

She jolts her head back in shock and furrows her brows together. “Ryan, you would never hit a woman?”

Shaking my head quickly from side to side, I groan. “God no! Fuck! That’s not what I mean. I’m bad karma for people who love me. I’m bad news. I’m no good. I don’t want Tillie to end up like…” I pause not being able to finish my sentence as a lump catches in my throat and breathing becomes difficult.

Lunar pauses. “Okay. I’m not going to push. I can see you’re upset, and there’s obviously something I don’t know about here. Just know you can talk to me. At any time, Ryan. I’m your go-to girl... or Danger, he’ll always be there for you if you need to vent.”

“Thanks. You know… I kinda love you, right?”

She smirks. “I kinda love you right back… Do you want me to hang around for a bit?”

I shake my head. “Nah, go be with Danger, he’s more fucked up than I am.”

She smirks. “Hmm… debatable at this point, my friend. How’s your chili infused junk?”

I laugh and smile for the first time in a while. “It’s fine… was a bit hot there for a while but a cold shower fixed it.”

“No permanent damage then?”

I smile. “Nope. My cock will live on to fuck another day.”

“So you can fuck all you want, just not fall in love, right?”

My smile falls and I nod. “Exactly.”

She hums under her breath. “You sound like a certain lead singer we both know and love.”

“Okay, I’m tired.”

“It’s only eight thirty. But I get it, you want to wallow alone, right? Just remember we’re here for you, Ry. Always.”

“Thanks.”

She leans in and kisses my cheek, gives my knee a squeeze then she stands up and walks to the door. She turns back to look at me, but I notice she slumps her shoulders. “You know… sometimes we have to let go of the painful past to have a pleasant future.” She turns and walks out of my room closing the door with a soft click behind her.

I feel bad for the way I left things with Tillie. We’ve almost kissed, twice, and both times I’ve pulled away. That’s got to eat at her confidence. I don’t ever want her to think she isn’t good enough. The problem lies solely with me. I’m so irreparably damaged, and to top that off I’m bad karma for those who get too close to me. Having Tillie around makes me think about Katie a lot more, and I swore to myself I’d only think of her and Maddie one day a year. Just the one day, so I wouldn’t wallow in self-pity and loathing so I wouldn’t become who I am becoming.

I’ve been okay for nine years.

Nine years.

No one has made me feel anything for nine long years. Then in walks Tillie, all nerdy with her black rimmed glasses framing her sexy face and her feisty, take no shit attitude, showing me who’s boss and it only makes me more interested.

Fuck!

Lunar’s right—I do like her.

And that scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

I’ve not liked or loved anyone other than Katie. She was my first girlfriend, then my wife, the only woman I swore I would ever love, and yet here I am developing feelings for another.

It’s crazy.

It’s ridiculous.

I almost feel like I’m cheating on Katie. Sure, I’ve fucked an array of beautiful women in the last nine years, but I’ve never had any sort of connection with them.

That’s what scares me.

Actual feelings.

Of course it’s not love, but she’s smoking hot and she fights me. She’s immune to the power of the rock star persona and I like that. Plus, the way she looks at my body when I’m naked makes me think she likes me just as I am. Which is kinda nice. I know I’m not Jabba the Hut, but I’m not Danger quality either, so the fact she still finds me attractive without all the abs says more about her than most girls.

Fuck.

I’m in way over my head and I need to find an even ground between us.

Do I keep going with the friendship or do I put space between us?

That’s something I need to figure out, and quickly.

 

TILLIE

 

My bed although warm and comfortable gives me no comfort as I cry softly into my pillow. Today’s almost kiss followed by tonight’s almost kiss and then Ryan’s utter rejection has left me feeling cold and completely self-conscious.

I hate that he’s made me feel this way.

I hate that I’m letting him make me feel this way.

But I like him and all I want is for him to accept me into his life.

My cell buzzes on the bed next to me, vibrating on the mattress. I sniff as Piper gently raises her head and looks down at me from the end of the bed but quickly puts her head down to go back to sleep. Sighing as I wipe my eyes, I pick up my cell and swipe to check the message. My stomach flips when I see it’s a text message from Ryan. Nibbling on my bottom lip, I take a deep breath and tap the screen.

 

Ryan: I’m sorry about tonight, I hope you’re okay. Ry.

 

I swallow hard, reaching out for a tissue from the box I placed on my pillow and blow my nose. Shaking my head as my stomach settles, I type my reply.

 

Me: I’m fine, I’m not in bed crying or anything lol. I hope you’re okay, I’m here if you need me.

 

I hit send and instantly wince hoping he doesn’t take my lame attempt at hiding my sadness seriously. Why do I have to be so stupid in texts?

 

Ryan: Please don’t cry, I know you were trying to come off funny in the text but I think you might actually be crying. I’m sorry for upsetting you. Let me make it up to you?

 

Opening my eyes a little wider, I read the message four times to make sure I’ve read it right. Typing back with shaky fingers, I smile slightly.

 

Me: Okay, what do you have in mind?

 

His reply comes in quickly.

 

Ryan: Nothing fancy, you, me, on the rooftop for an early breakfast at the office?

 

Smiling, I wipe a tear from my cheek and sniff.

 

Me: Sounds great. What time?

Ryan: Before sunrise, I wanna watch the dawn of a new day with you.

 

My eyes shoot open at this sudden romantic side of Ryan that he’s showing me. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but I like it.

 

Me: That would be lovely. See you in the morning.

Ryan: Sleep well.

 

Taking in a deep breath, I roll over as Piper stands up and walks up the bed to me. She nuzzles into me, her chocolate fur tickling my arm and I cuddle into her.

This is a turnaround, let’s just hope he doesn’t freak out again.