My lips are sore, my body is still aching.

How did he get my car?

Did Derrick give it to him?

Thinking of that man makes me sick to my stomach.

Opening the front door to my house, nothing has changed, yet somehow everything has changed. I’m not the same woman I was when Derrick took me. I’m not the same woman who was carried out in the arms of Connick. It hurts everywhere, not just physically but emotionally as well.

Sending a message to Marina, I ask about seeing her. She doesn’t respond straight away, and that alone is odd. She’s always very prompt and is there for me every time I’ve needed her to be.

Changing into my work clothes because I don’t want to be alone right now, I get ready to head out. Today is a day I’m meant to be doing a shift. What do I say to them, though? How do I explain why I disappeared again? I love my job, and they won’t take me back again with no notice of leaving. This time I have to try, though.

Yes, I want to somehow change my life, but in order to do that, I need money.

Driving back to work feels like an ordinary day, except it isn’t. Yesterday, I was held hostage, today I stabbed a man that I love. How is this my life? How did I fall so far to end up this way? I didn’t expect to. I’ve tried to live normally, to have a normal life. Yes, I didn’t account for love, because I never thought I deserved it. Because I’ve never received it.

Stepping out of my car hurts. My ribs are painful from where Nicole beat me. I am literally covered in bruises everywhere on my body. My face is easier to cover with makeup, the rest I covered as much as I could with my clothes.

Opening the front door of the bar, I see Von first. He doesn’t smile when he notices me which isn’t unusual, and he doesn’t kick me out which I take for a good sign.

“Milanka, why are you here?”

Looking around I spot Serena, which is odd because she quit. She sees me and runs to give me a hug in her safe arms. I let her hold me, even though it hurts to have her arms around me.

Pulling back and looking at me, she starts to talk. “I had to cover for you. Connick said you had to go away for a family emergency.” Looking over to Von, I see he’s also waiting for my answer. The last time I spoke to him, I said to him if I went missing again to worry and call the police. I guess Connick covered for me on this one.

“Yeah, I just got back. I’m so sorry.”

She waves her hand and unties the apron from around her waist. “It’s no problem.” Handing it to me she turns facing Von. “I quit.” Then she walks out with a wave. Looking to Von, he looks like he’s about to blow his gasket, his lips hold in a tight line while his eyebrows scrunch together.

“I’m sorry… again.”

Von waves me off without a word, walking out the door she just left through.

I start behind the bar cleaning up, when a hand slaps down on the countertop. Looking up, a fifty is there and a woman. She’s a beautiful woman, stunning actually. Her arm is covered in tattoos. She has a nose ring, full red lips and is staring straight at me.

“You like to stab men often?”

A cough comes from behind her, and Von’s eyes are wide. I pretend to laugh and look back to her when Von walks out the back. She’s smirking, and the smile is still etched on her lips.

“Excuse me?” I ask her politely. She rolls her eyes at me before she points to the scotch, so I start pouring the yellow gold, waiting for her to speak.

“You’re kind of what I imagined you would be, and yet not. I thought you’d have more of a bite to you.”

“Do I know you?”

She takes the tumbler from my hand before I can even offer it to her. “You don’t, pretty lady, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know you.” Her words confuse me, I have no idea what she’s talking about. Taking her money for the drink, I give her the change then go to walk away to serve the next person. She watches me as I do so, sipping her drink, garnering attention from the people around her. Men try to speak to her, but she brushes them off casually as if they’re flies. “I’m not sure what they see in you. Derrick, on the one hand, is crazy. Are you crazy?” She looks me over then shakes her head as I stop in front of her on my side of the bar. “Connick, on the other hand… he is a business man. An excellent one. So, what does he see in you?”

“You’re friends with them?”

She laughs at me, placing her drink back on the bar. “With one, yes, the other not so much.”

“What do you want?”

She clicks her tongue at me. “You knifed my friend, I came to check you out.” She places more money on the counter, leaving the change where it is.

“So it’s Connick then?”

“Of course it is. I wanted to kill that other scum long ago, but Connick won’t let me.” She rolls her eyes, then takes the next drink I’ve made for her.

“You should… kill him, I mean.”

“You would like that, wouldn’t you? I know what he did to you. Heard all about it.”

My body freezes and my eyes go wide, but before she can say another word, I walk away and straight out the back into the cool night air. My hands drop to my legs, my breathing becomes heavy, and I wish I could go back in time and change everything. Including never meeting Derrick, for a start.

“I wasn’t sure how to take you. On the one hand he hides his feelings for you. On the other, you’re actually stronger than you seem.” Her voice is smooth as it comes from behind me. She starts to move, and the click of her heels is heard on the pavement.

Looking around, I see how she’s dressed—tight shorts and revealing top, with sky-high boots.

Who is this woman?

“Sexy… aren’t I?” She puckers her lips up using a kiss motion. “You know about sexy. You use it to your advantage as well, don’t you?”

Looking her dead in the eyes, I fire back at her. I have a feeling she’s trying to scare me in some way. “Why are you here… what’s your name?” I ask leaning forward.

“The name’s Harlin. And yes, it matches me. I am a harlot. One you don’t want to fuck with, to be exact.” She offers me her hand and I take it to shake. “You like sex as well, don’t you? You just like to hide behind that quiet exterior you have going on.”

“Sex is natural, everyone likes it.”

She leans in close, so she’s right near my ear. “Not as much as we do. It’s our power trip, much like addicts. We get high from it, and when we come down, you don’t want to be around us. Am I right?” Her breath touches my ear then she steps back.

How would she know that?

The only person who hasn’t made me feel dirty is Connick. He’s never made me shower for hours on end to remove everything from my body including my skin.

“Harlin,” a voice booms from behind her, and I know whose voice it is straight away.

She turns on her heels, places her hands on her hips, drops her head to the side as she faces him. “You’ve come to ruin my fun. I was being nice, you know.”

Connick looks to me then back to her. “Why are you here, Harlin? I never asked you to come.”

“I was bored and I had to actually meet her, instead of listening to you all. I’m not your pet you can keep hidden, because I will jump from the box and fuck you all up.” She waves at me with her hand as she heads for the door we came out of. The door slams shut behind her, and we’re left standing together, doing nothing but staring at each other. My hands start to fidget, and I hold back from digging my fingernails into my palms.

Connick doesn’t say anything and neither do I, so I go to walk past him to leave when his hand stops me at my waist. Looking down at his hand, I want it to hold me in more ways than one, but shake my head and step back.

“You’re blocking, aren’t you?” he asks.

“Blocking what?”

Turning to face him, his eyes are dark as he watches me.

“I see what you are doing, Milanka. You’re blocking it all, aren’t you? I suspect you have gotten good at that… hiding from what’s happened.” His words hurt because they speak the truth. I don’t want to remember him, or what he did, because if I do remember every aspect—especially the first night—I’m afraid I won’t be the same. The same Milanka.

How fucked am I?

“Fuck you.” Pulling at his hand, I attempt to move it, I try, but it doesn’t budge. My nails start to dig into his arms, hoping he’ll remove them. He doesn’t.

“You say words from your lips, yet you don’t want me to touch you.”

He’s referring to my love for him. I may love him. I may be in love with him, but I am not stupid either. And I won’t be a fool.

The moment I move to try and free myself, my stomach hurts. Forgetting about my sore ribs, a squeal leaves my lips, and I instantly stay still. Connick immediately drops his arm from around my waist and steps in front of me, his hands touch my face, and his finger runs over my split lip.

“Come back with me. Stay with me.” Shaking my head, his hand drops. “I can keep you safe. I can get you help.”

“You can’t. You can’t help me, Connick. No one can. That’s the beauty of being me.” Walking past him, I head straight inside. Going back to the bar, the money from Harlin is still there on the counter, but there’s no sign of her. Connick steps back in a few seconds later and sits silently exactly where she was sitting. I try my best to ignore him, and not serve him at all, but it’s hard when all he does is watch me.

Walking up to him, I stop in front and pour him a water. “Who is she to you?”

“Harlin?” he asks, and I nod my head. “I don’t have words to describe her,” is all he tells me.

“Have you fucked her? She seems pretty invested in you.”

He laughs at me, and I raise my eyebrows at him.

“No, Milanka, I have not fucked Harlin. And I never intend to fuck Harlin. The only woman I intend to fuck in the future is you.” His words shock me and I can’t seem to come up with something to reply, so I walk away and serve a customer, coming back when I’m done. He isn’t done with me, though. “To describe Harlin’s part in my life, you have to understand who I am.”

“I don’t know who you are?”

He shakes his head at me. “You don’t… and you never fully will. So, you need to accept that.”

I laugh at him. “I don’t have to accept anything. I told you already…” pointing to myself as I lean over the bar, “… I come first. Me. Do you understand that?” He goes to speak but I cut him off. “Goodbye Connick. Don’t come back ‘til you’ve figured that out, and stop keeping all your stupid secrets to yourself.”