The sickness isn’t leaving and I’ve been struggling to get out of bed. I don’t know if it’s from everything that’s happened but I feel so depressed as well. Connick hid things from me, yet again, and still he’s on my mind. I wish I could banish all thoughts of him as easily as I have been throwing up, but that isn’t happening.

We both have secrets, there’s no doubt about that. I thought I could ignore them, his secrets. Do I even know all of them? I feel that there’s so much more and I don’t know the real him. I know so much about him. Yet he hides parts away and secures it all within a shell of steel. One that’s impossible to crack.

He owns businesses, this much I know, but what did he do before? Why does he want to own so many? These are all things I don’t know.

I’m not one to judge, we all have issues, and sometimes those issues can be overlooked, especially when we both have them. I snap a few more photos with my photographer instructor telling me which angle is best. He knows I’m tired and isn’t pushing me hard today, it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning. By the time I’m finished, I want to sleep. I’m not giving this job my best, and that pisses me off because I love it. I love the way the natural lighting hits each spot perfectly, and the way everything zooms out from the camera in your hand like you’re looking through into someone’s life that you didn’t even know you had the privilege to.

Finishing up, I make my way to Serena’s, she’s having a lingerie party. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to go home to sleep but she insisted. She hasn’t been working either. Sometimes when Von is desperate, he calls her and she caves, a bit like Connick and I, I guess. We have an invisible string that keeps on pulling us in, and we can’t do a thing to stop them.

Serena’s house is full of ladies when I arrive. Serena eyes the car but doesn’t comment on it. I forgot she hasn’t seen it yet. What do I do about the car? I really like it now, and don’t want to give it back, but I know I should. The only thing is he took my old car and I need something to get to and from work. It’s a problem that I’m not sure I can solve.

“You’re going to love this, so many gorgeous outfits.” She pulls me into the room where everyone is sitting, some ladies smile and wave, some just look. The demonstrator starts pulling out lingerie for us to check out and passes it around. “This, this one is you.” She gives me a black set, thigh high stockings in black, a black lace bra with a matching G-string.

“I don’t wear any of this stuff.”

“Come on, you need to try it. I’m buying it for you as a gift.” Serena stands and walks away, leaving me sitting watching everyone.

My cell starts ringing, so I excuse myself and answer without looking at the caller ID.

“Milanka…” His voice does things to me that aren’t natural.

“Connick…”

“I’m sorry.”

Lifting the cell away from my ear, I look to make sure this isn’t a joke. This man has never uttered an apology since I’ve known him. “Sorry, what did you say?” I heard him, but I need to make sure it’s right.

“I’m sorry, Milanka.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For everything.”

“Is there more, Connick?”

He is silent for a second. “No.”

“Okay.”

“Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?”

“A date.”

“Do we have to use that word?” he asks.

I want to laugh, but I refrain. “I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t expect you to. Let’s just try. If we don’t succeed, we don’t.” He sounds genuine.

“Okay.”

Shit! Why am I agreeing to this? Shouldn’t a normal girl be running away, far away? Pity I’m not normal.

“How’s the car, Milanka?”

“It’s good, thank you. How much was it so I can pay you back.”

“It was a gift. I sold your old one and kept the money.”

“How much was it, Connick?” I ask again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Milanka.” I hear the smile in his voice as he hangs up. Walking back inside, I have to run to the toilet, my stomach contents are about to come back up. Pushing the door open, I just make it to the bathroom in time. Pushing my hair back, I throw up again. Serena must have seen me because she’s passing me a glass of water.

While thanking her, I stand when it feels safe. Before I can stop her, her hands are reaching out and she grabs both of my boobs and squeezes. “Oww,” I scream, slapping her hands away. Her eyes go wide, and she turns, slamming the door while at the same time reaching for her cell in her pocket.

“You have to see a doctor… today.”

“What? It’s only a bug.”

She stops dialing and looks to me. “You’re pregnant, I bet my right hand on it.”

“No,” I tell her, shaking my head.

Serena talks fast on her cell then hangs up smiling. “He can fit you in an hour. So clean yourself up and get ready.”

“I’m not pregnant.”

“You are.”

“Am not,” I argue back with her.

“Last time you had your period?”

“I don’t know, I don’t keep a calendar.”

Shit! I can’t remember the last time. Was it before our vacation?

“Your boobs are sore, that was always my sign. Plus, you’re spewing, that’s another sign.”

“My boobs are always sore.” That’s a lie, they’re only sore that time of the month.

“Is it him, Mil?”

“Connick?” I ask.

She nods her head.

Closing my eyes, I answer her, “He’s all I’ve been with for months. I can’t be pregnant, Serena. He doesn’t want kids. I don’t want kids.”

She places her hand on my shoulder, and her eyes go soft. “Let’s just go and see what he says.”

Walking out, she tells everyone to leave while handing me a black bag, and inside it is the lingerie she’s bought for me. How did I luck out and find a friend like her? How did it take me so long to find her, or even talk to her?

* * *

The pee test comes out positive. The blood test will come back tomorrow. The doctor gave me a list of dos and don’ts. It feels like so much too fast. This can’t be happening to me. I cannot be pregnant. I never wanted a baby. Connick, as far as I know, doesn’t want kids. What am I meant to do?

Dropping Serena off, she hugs me hard, knowing what’s going through my mind right now and the possibilities of what I’m going to do. Something good comes along, I change my life and find the best job, then something has to land in my lap saying a big ‘fuck you,’ you can’t have what you want, you aren’t that lucky.

I’m afraid I will be like her. That’s the main reason I don’t want kids. What if I end up like her? My mother hated me. She never loved me. Could it run in our genes? Could we both be the shittiest parents to ever exist? Then comes the part of how am I meant to tell Connick. I wouldn’t even know what to say to him. He will hate me, thinking I’ve done this on purpose. I may have never had friends or serious relationships, but I have seen enough fights in pubs that start with pregnancies. That will not be me.

Walking up to my house, there’s a parcel on the porch out front, as well as a bunch of pink roses. They are beautiful. Bending down, I pick the box up with the flowers and read the card.

Walking in with the box in my hand is like walking back into that funeral home. Odd. Why was this sent to me, and what could possibly be in it? It’s small, roughly the same size as my box I keep my memories in, almost the size of a shoebox.

Placing the flowers on the counter, my hands freeze on the top of the box. Can I open it? What will I even find in there? I hardly knew the woman who was my mother. Why would I feel any different about what is possibly in there? Taking a deep breath, I tear the top off fast like a Band-Aid, and inside is something I don’t expect. It’s photos of me, scattered with small keepsakes. It starts with a bunch of photographs of me when I was a baby, to my latest photo before I met Connick.

Was she keeping track of me?

How did she even have recent photos of me?

Did Connick give these to her?

A baby tag sits at the bottom with my name on it. Why does she have all this if she didn’t care for me? Now I can never get my answers. Now I will never know who my mother really was. Maybe it’s for the better. She never liked me. I was what she wanted to be, yet a path took her down another road—one that was full of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I’ve stayed away from all bar one of those things—sex. I haven’t been able to and now I’m possibly pregnant the same way my mother was. Will I now turn to the drugs and alcohol the same way she did?

Can I save myself?

From what… that is the question, though. I already have issues to deal with and adding to them won’t help me in the slightest.

Is Connick an issue that will be added? Or a prize? I still haven’t been able to work it out.